Trinli 6
“Then the traveler in the dark,” I sing softly to the boys as they lay cuddled together, rocking Noemi in my arms. “Thanks you for your tiny spark.” Smiling to myself at the sounds they make as they drift into sleep, I run the backs of my fingers down their chubby little cheeks.
“He could not see which way to go, If you did not twinkle so. Twinkle, twinkle, little star, How I wonder what you are!”
Paddy had moved into his own home more than six months before and took with him any compulsion Darragh felt to assert his ownership.
The swelling of my belly was like a brand.
Darragh started drinking more often, sometimes disappearing for days at a time.
I do not know where he slept and with whom and I do not ever care to know.
His absence had the opposite effect, however, driving Padraig and I closer.
The boys love him, accidentally calling him da.
I love him. And I cannot do a damn thing about that love.
It resides inside me, embedded in the very marrow of my bone, a part of me as dear and vital as the blood that flows through my veins.
The times when I could not find the darkness to hide from Darragh’s violent touch, I would picture Padraig.
He would treat me well, respectfully, reverently.
He would wield his physical strength for worship rather than harm.
He is honorable, and so am I. It can never be anything more than what it is right now.
The most important friendship of my life, sunshine in a dreary sky.
Momentary warmth in a perpetually bone-chilling cold.
The morning I went into labor, Margaret and the others helped with the boys, and Alice came to guide me through the delivery. Not that I had forgotten the last three births, but it is always nice to have someone there in case something goes awry. Pain. Screaming. And a big mess.
When Padraig rushed into the house and straight to my side, I momentarily forgot I was actively pushing a child from my body, I was so shocked.
Darragh was never present; it was four days before he realized Riordan had been born.
Yet, here was Padraig, a man who by all rights had no reason to be at my side, encouraging me, wiping the sweat from my brow, and holding my leg up.
His tears mingled with my own when Alice placed my precious baby girl on my chest. I looked up, his eyes glittering with wonder and joy, and asked, “What should we name her?” It felt natural to ask his opinion, though we were both surprised by my question.
A soft smile tipped his lips as he stared intently at my daughter. “Noemi.”
“Noemi.” I repeated it back, liking it more each time I tried it out in my head. “It is wonderful.”
“It is my mam’s name.” Alice worked quietly, urging me to push the placenta while she clipped the umbilical cord and cleaned me up.
“You did so good, a mhuirnin.” He pressed his lips to my forehead, letting his touch linger longer than decent, but I could not find it in myself to care at that moment.
His down time is often spent corralling my boys, changing diapers, and preparing modest meals, even after I fully recovered.
I have always managed on my own or with limited assistance from other women.
Padraig’s constant presence has spoiled me.
Unfortunately, it has also reinforced that good men exist, but I am not fortunate enough to have one to call my own.
Men are capable of great things, and I have been forcibly tied to a man who chooses to do nothing.
I cannot do this again. Four children in 6 years is a heavy burden on my body and mind.
I step away from my babies and walk downstairs.
Anxiety fills me, glancing at the window, noticing the creeping darkness in the sky.
Padraig is usually here by now. Perhaps he is not coming over.
Maybe he is working. Or…or maybe he is finally venturing into town for a different type of companionship.
My stomach roils at the thought of him sharing his body with someone.
And it shames me to even think it as I am a married woman.
And I have laid with my husband many times since Padraig and I met, the fact that they were forced on me is irrelevant right now.
I was hoping—the door slowly opens and as if I called him forth from sheer will and want alone, Padraig appears with a small bouquet of wildflowers in his hand.
Tears fill my eyes as I move quickly to close the distance between us.
He shifts the flowers out of the way before I crush them, wrapping my arms tight around his waist. He is here. With me. Where he belongs.
Making a humming sound that rumbles in his chest beneath my ear, the weight and warmth of his embrace calm me quickly. I will feel guilt and shame later for my untoward actions, right now, I settle into his arms and breathe fully for what feels like the first time since he left last night.
“A mhuirnin, are ye alright?”
“Yes. I apologize.” I drop my arms to step back but he holds me tighter and tuts. I smile into his shirt and stay where I am.
“I could get used to a welcome such as this.” I could too.
But we cannot. And with that depressing reminder, I force myself to separate and retreat a few steps.
With a smile, I reach out for the flowers.
“For Noemi.” Giggling, I shake my head and bring them to the kitchen area to find the cup to put them in.
“Sure. My 3-month-old appreciates the fresh flowers you bring weekly.”
“Of course, she does.”
He glances up at the second floor. “I would guess by the quiet that I missed bedtime. I am sorry, Trin, I had to stay later. We had an accident.”
“Is everyone safe?”
“A few minor injuries. Then I had…I had a word with Darragh.” He hesitates but I wave him to spill. “He has headed into town for the night.” I nod unsurprised. “I just do not understand why he would rather—” I raise my hand to stop him.
“Trying to make sense of Darragh Byrne will give you the runs.”
“Fair.” He chuckles with a shake of his head. “What was tonight’s tale?”
“Are you hungry?” He nods, eagerly eyeing the covered dish of supper I saved for him.
I slide it over to him and he greedily tucks in.
“Scott Squirrel was quite busy this evening. He battled a fearsome bear foe that bled beer after it attacked Scott’s beloved mutti.
He had help from Spud Skunk. Then mutti laid out a feast to convey her appreciation for besting Beer Bear. ”
Paddy chuckles as I tell him details from Jakob’s imaginative bedtime story. “He is a special kid. He needs to start writing these down.” His eyes dart up to mine, the tips of his ears flushing red as he mumbles, “It would be a good time to change some of the names.”
I drop my head back to my shoulders and laugh heartily. “It bothers you so much and I do not know why I find that so funny.”
“Scott. There are so many other names he could choose that sound just fine with the surname Squirrel. Why does it have to be Scott? What does Scott have that, let’s say, Seamus does not?”
“Paddy—”
“He is a good Irish boy; he does not need anything from Scotland.” The distaste in which he spits Scotland is highly entertaining. “Glad ye find it funny, cailin.”
“I do; I needed that.” Paddy’s smile falls away instantly.
“Has something happened?”
“No. Yes. Not really.” I suck in a sharp breath and force myself to explain. “I do not wish to put you in a troublesome position; however, do you have a connection to a trusted physician…not employed by the coal company?”
He stands up quickly, resting his hands on my shoulders and squeezing as he looks me over. “Are ye ill?”
“No. A few of the wives…” This is harder than I thought it would be.
I do not shy away from difficult or tedious endeavors, but Padraig could get in trouble by aiding us, and I do not want to even think of the consequences that await the other wives and I, if we are caught.
“Our husbands are only faithful to their sins. We require a proper physician with access and a willingness to help. Or the supplies to make our own.”
“Make your own what, cailin?”
“Contraceptive diaphragms.” Padraig stares at me for several long moments. He does not blink and it unnerves me. His mouth opens and closes but produces no sound. I startle when a loud, boisterous, uncontrolled laughter bursts from his chest.
“Jesus. Mary. Joseph. And all the wise men.” Wiping under his eyes to catch the tears, he grins at me and the sight of it steals my breath. “Ye never been a timid girl a day in your life, have ye?”