Chapter 24
Lottie lifted the saddle onto her horse. She was going after Jameson. That’s all there was to it.
She reached for the cinch to fasten it, but then dropped it and took a step away from her horse.
No. She couldn’t go. How pathetic would that be? Especially when she’d told him she couldn’t be with him and had to do the right thing by her marriage to Dray.
She pressed her back against the stall boards that Jameson had fixed. They were so solid and sturdy—just like him.
“Well?” Kace stood at the stall entrance watching her, the late-afternoon light filtering in through the open window behind him and highlighting his blond hair. Bo was beside him, and neither had stopped bothering her about Jameson since they’d awoken earlier in the day and realized he was gone.
Gone.
Her heart had dropped when she’d arrived at the barn with his coffee shortly after daybreak, only to discover he wasn’t there. Enrique had been quick to inform her that Jameson had left well before dawn and hadn’t told him where he was going.
At first, she’d assumed maybe he’d gone on an errand or ridden into town. But when she’d examined his usual area of the barn more closely, she’d realized none of his belongings were there. He’d packed up everything. Which meant he didn’t have plans to return.
He wasn’t coming back.
The thought had been echoing in her head all day as she’d herded the cattle with Enrique. She’d finally left him to finish and had returned to the barn, desperately hoping to find Jameson there.
But he wasn’t there, and the boys hadn’t seen him all day.
“You’re going after him, aren’t you?” Kace asked more pointedly.
“Yes.” She stepped toward her horse again but then stopped. What could come from searching for Jameson? They couldn’t be together. Not when she was still married.
It wouldn’t even be appropriate to have him around. Not when she desired him the way she did, not when she couldn’t stop wanting him, not when she loved him more than she’d ever loved any other man.
Was that why he’d left? Because he’d sensed it wouldn’t be proper to remain? Because he was trying to respect her?
Whatever the case, he could have said goodbye.
What had Beckett said that day when he’d visited? Jameson left the Double T before dawn without saying goodbye. He ran away from his problems, just like he always does.
Maybe he’d left because he’d decided he’d had enough of the problems here with her. Maybe he didn’t want the hassle of dealing with her and the boys now that Dray was back in their lives.
She wouldn’t blame him. Her life was messy. And most people ended up leaving her. Why not him too?
She reached for the saddle and lifted it down.
“What are you doing?” Kace asked.
She sighed. “I have to let Jameson go—”
“No.” Kace shook his head.
“No.” Bo did likewise.
“Jameson said he loves us.” Tears welled up in Kace’s eyes. “If you tell him you love him too, he’ll stay.”
Was that the issue? That she hadn’t told Jameson she loved him?
Why hadn’t she been honest about her feelings when she’d had the chance? Would that have made a difference in his wanting to stay with them at the ranch?
She held the saddle, the weight of it growing heavy. “It’s more complicated than that, buddy, with your father not dead the way we thought he was.”
“Me has two fathers.” Bo spoke hopefully. “Right, Kace?”
“Right.” Kace’s expression was earnest. “Jameson can live here and be with us, and our other father can visit us when he wants to.”
If only the situation were that easy. But Dray wouldn’t be satisfied until he got whatever he wanted from her. What would satisfy him the most? The ranch or her money?
He was a seasoned cowboy and knew the ins and outs of ranch life, but he’d never particularly enjoyed being at the Longhorn and working with the livestock. If she offered him the ranch, he’d likely turn around and sell it for the profit.
If she gave him part of her inheritance, would that satisfy him more?
He knew she’d inherited a sizable amount from Waverly, so even if she gave him some now, he’d likely come back for more later.
Unless she had Mr. Dickinson write up a contract that outlined the terms of their agreement—that Dray would divorce her and let her have the children in exchange for a portion of her inheritance.
Should she do that?
Even though she felt like more of a failure for considering divorce, could she really stay with Dray?
She knew down to her bones that he didn’t want her or the boys, that he was using her now the same way he had all along.
He didn’t care about making amends or working on their marriage.
He would get what he wanted from her and leave again the way he always had.
He didn’t deserve a second chance or a single moment more of her consideration.
Her heart thudded with the pain of missing Jameson in only the one day he’d been gone. How could she go on without him in the days to come?
“See,” Kace said as if the truth was evident for all of them. Maybe it was. “You have to find Jameson and tell him that we don’t want him to leave.”
“I don’t know.” She was tempted to put the saddle back on her horse.
She hadn’t fought for their relationship, but neither had Jameson.
In the face of hardships, he’d run away the first chance he’d had.
He was probably already halfway across the next county by now, moving on to a new ranch where he could start over and not have to think about all her problems.
Would he have left her eventually anyway? Was that just the way he was? Was she better off that he’d decided to go now rather than later?
“I can’t go after him, boys.” She hefted the saddle up and finally placed it back on the padded post.
“I’ll go then.” Kace’s tone turned belligerent.
“No, we’re not going anywhere.”
Kace stomped a foot. “That’s not fair.”
She slid down into the hay and held out her arms to the boys. “Come here.”
Bo ran to her and launched himself at her. She wrapped her arms around him and snuggled him into one side. She beckoned to Kace with her free hand. “Come on, buddy.”
He held himself stiffly for another moment, then his shoulders dropped, and he dragged his feet as he made his way to her.
She hadn’t taken into consideration how the boys had felt the last time they’d gotten upset, and she didn’t want to do that again. As devastated as she was about Jameson’s leaving, she would never neglect her children over a man. In that way, she could be different from her mother.
Kace allowed her to draw him down to her other side. Once he was situated, she pressed a kiss to his head and then to Bo’s. “I haven’t told you enough lately that I love you both and that you mean everything to me.”
Bo peered up at her with his adoring eyes. “Me love you too.”
Kace sighed. “Me too.”
“Thank you,” she whispered.
The last of the resistance seemed to slip away from Kace, and he relaxed against her.
She squeezed them both tighter and lifted a silent prayer of gratefulness for the two of them. She’d meant it when she’d told them they were everything to her. They were. She’d give up the ranch or her inheritance to Dray if that’s what it cost her to keep them.
The truth was, Jameson meant everything too. And she had to figure out a way to let him know she wasn’t ready for him to leave and that she wanted to be with him in whatever way was possible.
She leaned her head back against the stall wall. “I’m not sure how everything will work out with Jameson. But I promise you that I’ll find a way to let him know we want him to come back.”
“Really?” Kace pulled away and studied her face.
“Yes, really. He’s a good man, and I don’t want to lose him.”
“I don’t want to lose him either.”
“I’ll do my best, okay?”
“Okay.” Kace curled up against her willingly this time.
If she could have another chance with Jameson, she wouldn’t give up on them so easily. She would fight to keep him the same way she planned to fight for the boys. She would do whatever it took to be with the man she loved.