CHAPTER SIX
Jessica
By the second morning after Sophia’s birth, Jessica had learned there were humiliations unique to recovering from surgery.
Needing help standing. Needing help showering.
Needing someone to hand her underwear. Having nurses ask about bodily functions that civilized people had agreed centuries ago not to discuss over breakfast.
Her body belonged to medicine now. People examined it. Measured it. Pressed against places that hurt. Asked her to rate pain. Checked blood pressure. Checked the incision. Checked everything except the part of her that felt as though it had split somewhere much deeper than the surgeon’s cut.
Jessica sat on the edge of the hospital bed, breathing carefully.
Natalie stood in front of her holding a robe.
“I can do it.”
“I know.”
“Then stop looking at me like I’m eighty.”
“I’m looking at you like you had major surgery less than forty-eight hours ago.”
“Basically the same thing.”
Natalie held out the robe. Jessica took it. Standing hurt.Not an alarming hurt. The normal kind everyone had warned her about. Normal had become a strange comfort. She slipped her arms into the robe.
“I want to see Sophia.”
“You saw her a few hours ago.”
“I know.”
“She’s still there.”
“That is not comforting.”
Natalie sighed. “Wheelchair.”
“I can walk.”
“Wheelchair.” Natalie said firmly.
Jessica sat.
Natalie pushed her into the hallway. They were halfway to the elevators when Jessica spotted flowers.
Not one arrangement. Several. They crowded the nurses’ station.
White roses. Peonies. Hydrangeas. Something enormous in a silver vase that looked as if it had been stolen from a hotel lobby. Jessica knew before the nurse smiled.
“Mrs. Kane? These are for you.”
Natalie stopped the chair.
Jessica stared. A card sat among the roses. Alex’s handwriting. She didn't need to read it.
“Can you give them to someone else?”
The nurse blinked.
“Jessica,” Natalie said quietly.
“I don’t want them.”
The nurse recovered. “We can remove them.”
“Could you give them to the other mom’s in the ward, instead.”
“Of course.” The nurse smiled.
They continued toward the elevator.
Natalie waited until the doors closed. “He’s panicking.”
“I know.”
“He called me six times.”
“That sounds like a Natalie problem.”
“He also arranged for a private postpartum nurse to come to my house when you’re discharged.”
Jessica looked at her sister. “What?”
“He asked me if you’d be comfortable with it.”
“No.”
“I told him I’d ask.”
“No.”
Natalie nodded. “Then no.”
Jessica looked at the elevator doors. “I don’t want him buying things. Like that can make everything okay.”
“I know.”
“I don’t want a nurse he chose.”
“Okay.”
“I don’t want a meal service or a driver or a special bed or whatever else he’s currently trying to purchase.”
Natalie pressed the button for the NICU floor.
Sophia looked different every time Jessica saw her. Perhaps because Jessica was learning how to see past the equipment. The first time she had noticed wires. The second, the breathing support. Then the monitors.
Now she noticed Sophia’s mouth. The shape of her nose. The tiny bit of dark hair beneath the cap.
“She has Alex’s nose,” Jessica whispered.
Natalie leaned closer. “Poor child.”
Jessica smiled. Her incision pulled. She pressed a hand against the robe.
A nurse helped position her beside the incubator.
Jessica had imagined holding her daughter immediately after birth.
Skin to skin. Alex beside her. A picture they would keep forever.
Instead she was learning motherhood through holes in clear plastic.
She placed her hand carefully near Sophia. “Hi, baby.” Her voice trembled. “I’m here.”
The words hit differently now. Jessica closed her eyes. She wouldn’t cry. Not every time. She was exhausted from crying. A movement near the doorway caught her attention. Alex.
He stood outside the bay in dark trousers and a blue shirt with the sleeves rolled to his forearms. He didn't enter. He looked at Jessica first. Waiting. The realization irritated her. It also relieved something she didn't want relieved. Jessica looked at Sophia. Then nodded once.
Alex came in. He stopped on the opposite side of the incubator. “Morning.”
“Morning.”
Natalie looked between them. “I’m getting coffee.”
Jessica almost asked her not to go. That annoyed her too. She was thirty-six years old. She had been married for eleven years. She shouldn’t need her sister to supervise a conversation with her husband.
Natalie left.
Alex kept his eyes on Sophia. “How are you?”
Jessica nearly laughed. “Which answer would you prefer?”
His jaw tightened. “The true one.”
“I hurt.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m tired.”
“I know.”
“No, you don’t.”
He nodded.“You’re right.”
The easy agreement irritated her more than an argument might have.
“You sent half a florist to my room.”
“I did.”
“I gave them away.”
“Okay.”
“And I don’t want a private nurse.”
Alex looked at her.“Natalie told you.”
“Yes.”
“I thought it might make things easier.”
“For whom?”
His face tightened. “You.”
“Then ask me.”
“You said you needed space.”
“That doesn’t mean make decisions about my recovery through my sister.”
“You’re right.”
Again.
Jessica looked at him.
“Stop doing that.”
“What?”
“Agreeing with everything.”
Alex’s brows drew together. “I’m trying not to fight with you.”
“I’m not asking you to fight.”
“What are you asking?”
The question was too close to the one that had followed her through the pregnancy. What do you want? What do you need? How serious is it? Give him parameters. Give him something measurable. Something fixable.
Jessica looked back at Sophia.
“I don’t know.”
Alex was silent.
Then, “Okay.”
She hated how tired she was. How weak her body felt.
How badly she wanted him to put his hand on the back of her neck the way he always had when she was overwhelmed.Her body hadn't received the memorandum that her marriage was in ruins.
The realization made her angry. At him. At herself.At biology for being so vulgar.
A nurse entered. “Mrs. Kane, ready to try some skin-to-skin time?”
Jessica’s whole attention changed. “Yes.”
The nurse began explaining what they would do. Jessica tried to stand from the wheelchair. Pain stopped her.Alex moved instinctively.
Jessica looked at him.
Alex had already stopped moving. Waiting again.
The nurse looked between them. “I can get someone else.”
“No.” The answer came too quickly. Jessica looked at Alex. “You can help.”
He stepped closer.His hands settled at her waist. Familiar. Warm.
Steady. Jessica’s breath caught.
Alex noticed. His grip loosened immediately. “Too tight?”
“No.” She hated the softness in her voice.
He helped her stand. For several seconds, they were close enough that she could smell his cologne. The same one he had worn the morning Sophia was born.
Jessica looked away. Alex helped her into the chair the nurse had prepared. Then he stepped back without being asked.
The nurse placed Sophia against Jessica’s chest. Everything else disappeared.
“Oh.”
The sound came from somewhere deep. Sophia weighed almost nothing. Yet Jessica felt the entire world settle against her skin. Tears came instantly. Alex stood several feet away. When Jessica looked up, his eyes were wet too. The sight nearly broke her.
They had wanted this together. For years.
They had cried over tests together. Argued over treatment plans.
Held each other after loss. Painted the nursery.
Debated names. Alex had talked to Sophia through Jessica’s stomach every night.
Now their daughter was here. And there was a distance between Jessica and Alex large enough to swallow all of it.
Alex wiped one hand over his face.
Jessica looked back at Sophia.“She’s perfect.”
“She is.” His voice cracked.
The nurse smiled and gave them a few moments. Alex moved closer to the chair. Not close enough to touch Jessica.
He looked at Sophia.“I missed it.”
Jessica’s eyes closed. “Alex.”
“I know this isn’t the time.”
“No.”
“I just...”
He stopped.
Jessica opened her eyes.
Alex stared at their daughter. “I’m sorry.”
The words felt too small for the room.
Jessica looked at him.“I know.”
“I should’ve been there. I should’ve come the first time you asked.”
“You should’ve.”
His throat moved. “I thought...”
Jessica waited.
Alex looked down. Whatever explanation he had intended to offer died.
Good. She had heard enough explanations.
After a moment he said, “I was wrong.”
Jessica looked at Sophia again. “You were..”
That afternoon Alex arrived at Jessica’s room carrying a folder. She was eating soup. Natalie sat by the window answering emails from work.
Jessica looked at the folder.“What is that?”
Alex stopped.“Information about a home nurse.”
“No.”
“I’m not asking you to hire her.”
“No.”
“I only thought you could look at the options.”
“Alex.”
He closed the folder. “All right.”
Jessica put down her spoon. “I need you to stop.”
His face changed. “I’m trying.”
“That’s not what I mean.”
Natalie quietly stood.“I’ll go find coffee.”
“You drink too much coffee,” Jessica said.
Natalie kissed her forehead. “Today I’ve earned it.”
She left. Alex remained near the door.
Jessica looked at him. “Sit.”
He did. That annoyed her too. Everything annoyed her.Probably because anger was easier than grief.
Alex put the folder down.. “Tell me what you need.”
Jessica almost laughed. “Do you know what I needed?”
His gaze held hers. She pointed toward nothing. Toward two nights ago. Toward an operating room. Toward the space beside her bed where he should have been.
“I needed you Tuesday.”
Alex’s face went pale. “I know.”
She shook her head. “You know what happened Tuesday. You don’t understand what you did yet.”
He said nothing.
“You keep bringing me things.”
“I’m trying to make this easier.”
“You can’t.”
“I know that.”
“Do you?”
Her voice rose for the first time. “Because you keep acting like if you can find enough specialists or buy enough flowers or rearrange enough logistics, then eventually I’ll stop hurting.”
“That’s not what I think.”
“Then why are you doing it?”
Alex looked at the folder. For once, he had no answer.
Jessica’s anger faded as quickly as it had arrived. Exhaustion replaced it.
“I don’t want you managing me.”
“Okay.”
“I don’t want you calling Natalie to arrange things for me.”
“Okay.”
“I don’t want flowers.”
“Okay.”
“And I don’t want you coming to my room without asking first.”
That one hurt him. She saw it.
Alex nodded anyway.
Jessica swallowed. She had imagined leaving Alex dozens of times over the past two days. The imagined versions were clean. Strong. She packed. She walked out. She made declarations. Reality was uglier.
She could barely stand without bracing herself. She needed pain medication on schedule. Her daughter lived in another part of the hospital. Her sister was handling her laundry. Leaving didn't feel powerful. It felt terrifying.
Jessica looked down at her left hand. Natalie had brought her jewelry that morning. The wedding ring sat in the drawer beside the bed.
“Alex.”
“Yes?”
“I meant what I said.”
His gaze moved to her.
“I’m not coming home.”
He sat very still. “I can leave the apartment. Jessi, you shouldn’t have to find somewhere to recover.”
“I’m going to Natalie’s.”
“Her house has stairs.”
“She has a guest room downstairs.”
“I can hire...”
Jessica stared.
Alex stopped. “Right.”
“I’m going to Natalie’s. That’s final.”
“For how long?”
“I don’t know.”
“And Sophia?”
“She’s not leaving here anytime soon.” His expression tightened at the reminder.
“When she does?”
“We’ll figure it out.”
“We?”
“You’re her father.”
Alex’s shoulders lowered slightly.Jessica saw it. The relief. She understood what he had feared.
“You thought I’d keep her from you.”
“No.”
“Alex.”
His eyes closed for a moment. “I don’t know what you’re going to do.”
Jessica’s voice remained quiet. “Neither do I but I would never take Sophia from you. But being her father does not mean you get to be my husband.”
Alex looked at her. “I am your husband.”
The answer came automatically.
Jessica felt strangely calm.“Legally.” She held his gaze. “I want us separated, Alex.”
His jaw tightened, but he didn't interrupt.
“Not to punish you. Not to scare you into changing. I need enough distance to figure out what I want when I’m not also managing how much my answer hurts you.”
Alex looked down at his hands. “Okay.”
For once, Jessica didn't soften the truth for him. “And I need you to understand that being good with Sophia will not decide what happens between us. You are her father no matter what. My husband is a separate question.”
Alex looked as though she had struck him. She almost apologized. The reflex was immediate. She bit it back.
He stood slowly. “I’ll call before I come tomorrow.”
“Thank you.”
Alex reached for the folder and stood. At the door he turned. “I love you.”
Jessica looked down at her hands. She loved him too. That was the worst part. Alex left.
Jessica waited until the door closed before opening the bedside drawer. Her wedding ring rested inside. She picked it up. The indentation around her finger had faded. The ring would probably fit again soon. Jessica stared at it for a long time. Then she closed her hand around it.
When Natalie returned, Jessica held out her fist. Natalie looked confused. Jessica opened her fingers. The ring lay against her palm.
“Keep this for me.”
Natalie’s face softened. “Are you sure?”
“No.” Jessica’s voice broke.“That’s why I need you to take it.”
Natalie did.