CHAPTER EIGHT
Jessica
Natalie’s guest room had pale blue walls, white curtains, and exactly one decorative pillow.
Jessica appreciated the restraint. She had seen guest rooms designed by people who apparently believed visitors enjoyed excavating beds from beneath fourteen cushions before they were permitted to sleep.
She sat carefully on the mattress while Natalie placed her overnight bag on a chair.
“You need anything?”
“A different body.”
Natalie smiled. “Pain meds are on the table. Water. Blood pressure cuff. Charger.”
“You are disturbingly efficient.”
“I run a middle school.”
“Elementary.”
“Same number of sociopaths. Smaller shoes.”
Jessica laughed and immediately pressed a hand against her abdomen. “Don’t make me laugh.”
“Sorry.”
Natalie sat beside her. For the first time since leaving the hospital, neither of them spoke. Jessica looked around. Temporary. Everything felt temporary. This room. Her body. Sophia’s incubator. Her marriage. The last thought settled heavily.
Natalie touched her hand. “You okay?”
“No.” Jessica looked at her sister.“I hate this. I hate being here.”
Natalie pretended offense. “My thread count is excellent.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I do.”
Jessica’s eyes filled with tears. “I want my baby.”
Natalie put an arm around her.
“I should be home with her.”
“You will be.”
“I should be in her nursery.”
Natalie said nothing.
Jessica closed her eyes. “And I want Alex.”
The confession came out so quietly she almost hoped Natalie hadn't heard. Natalie’s arm tightened around her.
Jessica laughed through tears. “I’m an idiot.”
“No, yu’re not.”
“I’m furious with him and I want him.”
“You’ve loved him for twelve years.”
“Eleven married.”
“I counted dating because I’m generous.”
Jessica wiped her face. “It would be easier if I hated him.”
“Probably.”
“I don’t even know if I want a divorce.”
“You don’t have to know.”
Jessica looked at her. “I feel like I should.”
“You had surgery four days ago. Your baby is in intensive care. Maybe you don’t need to make permanent legal decisions before lunch.”
Jessica sighed. “I hate when you’re reasonable.”
“It’s why they pay me.”
Alex was already in the NICU when Jessica arrived that afternoon.
She spotted him through the glass. He had changed.
Not physically. He wore dark trousers and a white shirt, still handsome enough to irritate her.
But something in the way he moved had altered.
Slower. More careful. He stood beside Sophia’s incubator listening to a nurse explain something about feeding.
He was taking notes. Actual notes. Jessica stopped outside.
Natalie almost walked into her. “What?”
Jessica nodded toward the bay. Alex washed his hands again before reaching through the incubator access point. The nurse smiled at something he said. Then Alex bent toward Sophia. Jessica couldn't hear him. She knew he was talking to her. The sight hurt.
For years Jessica had imagined Alex as a father.
Not abstractly. Specifically. Alex asleep with a baby on his chest. Alex building impossible furniture.
Alex pretending not to cry on the first day of school.
Alex teaching a daughter to draw buildings badly while Jessica corrected him.
She had imagined all of it. Now he was a father.
And he was good at it. Jessica hadn't planned for that to make leaving harder.
Natalie touched her elbow. “You want to wait?”
“No.”
Jessica entered. Alex looked up. His face softened immediately. Then the softness disappeared behind restraint.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
He stepped away from the incubator. “The nurse said she gained a little.”
“I know. She told me this morning.”
“Right.”
Jessica moved closer to Sophia. Alex didn't fill the silence.
He had always filled silence. With plans.
Questions. Solutions. This new restraint made Jessica suspicious.
Also curious. The nurse eventually helped Jessica sit beside Sophia.
Alex remained nearby. When Jessica looked at him again, he was watching Sophia.
Not Jessica. Not waiting for approval. Just watching their daughter.
“She likes your voice,” Jessica said.
Alex glanced at her. “Does she?”
“She moves when you talk.”
A smile appeared. “Probably trying to escape.”
“Definitely your child.”
For one second they were themselves. The ease arrived so naturally Jessica forgot to guard against it. Then she remembered. Her smile faded. Alex noticed. He didn't try to recover the moment, neither did she.
An hour later, Jessica found him in the hospital cafeteria. She had gone downstairs because Natalie threatened to report her to Dr. Jackson if she skipped lunch again. Alex sat alone with coffee and a sandwich he had barely touched. Jessica should have kept walking. Instead she stopped.
He looked up. “Hey.”
“Is this seat taken?”
Surprise flashed across his face. “No.”
Jessica sat. Alex pushed the untouched sandwich aside. She opened the soup Natalie had insisted she buy. They ate in silence for several minutes.
Then Alex said, “Natalie told you about the nurse?”
Jessica looked at him.
“She did.”
“I canceled it.”
“Thank you.”
“I also stopped the meal delivery.”
She lifted one eyebrow.
Alex looked embarrassed. “You did say no purchases.”
“I did.”
“I’m learning.”
Jessica took another spoonful of soup.
He rubbed his thumb over his wedding ring.Jessica noticed because she noticed everything. Alex still wore it. Part of her had expected him to remove it after she removed hers. That would have hurt. She resented being relieved.
“How’s your incision?”
He asked the question carefully.
“Painful.”
“Normal painful?”
“So they tell me.”
“Pressure?”
“Better.”
“Headache?”
“Alex.”
He stopped.
“Sorry.”
She sighed. “I have follow-up instructions. Natalie knows them. I know them.”
He looked down. “I don’t know how to talk to you without asking if you’re okay.”
Jessica’s anger softened despite herself, she looked out toward the hospital lobby.
“What happens with Sophia?”
“What do you mean?”
“When she comes home.”
“We do whatever the doctors tell us.”
“I mean us.”
“You’re her father. This marriage is separate from that.”
Alex’s jaw tightened.
“You’ll have time with her. You’ll learn everything I learn.”
“I already signed up for the discharge classes.”
Jessica blinked. “What?”
“The nurse gave me the list.”
She stared.
Alex looked almost defensive. “I’m not expecting you to teach me.”
That sentence struck somewhere deep. Jessica hadn't realized until then that she had expected exactly that. She would learn. Then translate. Make lists. Explain. Remind. Carry the invisible part because mothers did. Because wives did. Because she did.
“You signed up.”
“Yes.”
“For all of them?”
“Yes.”
“Infant CPR?”
“Yes.”
“Feeding?”
“Yes.”
“Safe sleep?”
“Yes.”
“Alex.”
“What?”
“Stop saying yes like you’re being interrogated.”
His mouth almost curved. “Sorry.”
Jessica looked down at her soup. Something inside her shifted. Not forgiveness. Not trust. This was fatherhood. He was doing it without asking for applause. Maybe because applause had become a complicated subject.
Two days later, Alex arrived during Jessica’s NICU visit carrying nothing. No flowers. No folders. No expensive solutions. He scrubbed his hands and came to Sophia’s bedside. The nurse asked whether one of them wanted to change Sophia.
Alex looked at Jessica. “Your turn.”
“I did it this morning.”
“Then mine?”
“You don’t need permission from me to change your daughter’s diaper.”
Something passed through his eyes. Pain. Maybe shame. He nodded. “Right.” He moved to the incubator.
Jessica watched. His hands had become surer.Still careful, but not frightened. He spoke quietly to Sophia while he worked.“Your mother says I’m bad at this.”
“I have never said that.”
Alex looked over.“You thought it loudly.”
“I was judging your technique.”
“Same thing.”
Sophia made a tiny irritated sound.
Alex looked offended. “See? She agrees with you.”
Jessica laughed. It surprised them both. Her hand went immediately to her stomach.
Alex’s attention followed. “You okay?”
The question came out instinctively. His face changed. He began to apologize.
Jessica shook her head. “I’m okay.”
He stopped. Not because she said it quickly. Because he looked at her for an extra second, as though allowing room for another answer. .
That evening Natalie brought takeout into Jessica’s room at home.
“This is good.”
Jessica looked suspiciously at the container.
“Why?”
“Because I have taste.”
“You brought this three nights ago.”
“No, I didn’t.”
Jessica stared.
Natalie busied herself opening another container.
“Natalie.”
“What?”
“Where did this come from?”
Her sister sighed.
“Alex.”
Jessica put down her fork.
“I told him you forget to eat when you come back from the hospital.”
“Natalie.”
“He arranged a standing order with that place you like. He asked me not to tell you it was him.”
Jessica opened her mouth. Closed it.
Natalie leaned back. “You don’t have to forgive him because he bought noodles.”
“I know, it’s just ....”
“You don’t have to go home because he remembered you like the dumplings. You also don’t have to treat every decent thing he does like a conspiracy.”
Jessica glared.
Natalie shrugged. “You married me into this emotional disaster indirectly. I get an opinion.”
Jessica poked at the noodles. “He shouldn’t be doing things for me.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to owe him.”
Natalie’s expression softened. “You don’t.”
Jessica looked up.
“You can accept dinner and still leave him.”
The truth of it hurt.
Natalie reached across the table. “And you can notice he did something kind without deciding the marriage is healed.”
Jessica looked down.
“I know.”
“You said that like it physically hurt.”
“It does.”
The following afternoon, Jessica entered the NICU alone. Natalie had dropped her at the entrance and gone to take a work call. Alex stood at the sink. He had removed his suit jacket and rolled his sleeves to his elbows.
Jessica stopped. This was ridiculous. She had seen Alex’s forearms approximately nine thousand times. She had slept wrapped around the man for eleven years. Nothing about his body should have surprised her. Yet watching his hands move beneath the water made a wave of memory rise without permission.
Those hands on her hips. Against the back of her neck. Moving slowly over her stomach before Sophia was born. Jessica looked away. Her body had become a traitor. Pregnancy had made sex complicated near the end. Nausea. Exhaustion. Fear.
Before that, she and Alex had never struggled for physical intimacy.
Even when they were angry, attraction remained annoyingly robust. Apparently separation hadn't killed it either. Jessica watched him for long moment before entering the room. He was bent close to the incubator talking. He hadn’t noticed her some in.
“Your mother is the bravest person I know.”
Jessica looked away quickly.
Alex didn't know she had heard. He continued talking softly to Sophia. “She thinks being scared means she’s failing. Don’t learn that from her.”
Jessica’s eyes filled.
Then Alex’s voice changed. “And definitely don’t learn from me what to do when somebody you love is scared.”
Jessica stopped breathing.
Alex rested one hand near Sophia. “I’m working on that.”
He straightened. Only then did he see Jessica’s face. His own changed.
“Jessi.”
She wiped her cheek. “I’m fine.”
Alex looked at her.
He didn't correct her, didn't tell her she was obviously crying, didn't ask what he should do. He simply waited.
Jessica looked back at Sophia. “Don’t stop talking to her.”
Alex swallowed. Then he continued.
A week later, the neonatologist used the word discharge for the first time.
Not tomorrow. Not even this week. Soon. Jessica’s heart leapt and then immediately filled with terror.
Soon meant Sophia leaving monitors. Nurses.
People who knew what every sound meant. Soon meant home.
Except Jessica no longer knew where home was.
After the doctor left, Alex found her staring into the incubator.
“She’s getting out of here.”
Jessica smiled through tears.“She is.”
“You terrified?”
She looked at him.“Yes.”
“Me too.”
The admission came easily. No reassurance. No promise that everything would be fine. Just truth.
Jessica nodded. “I’m looking at furnished places closer to the hospital.”
Alex’s face changed. “You’re leaving Natalie’s?”
“Eventually.”
“Why not come home?”
The question was quiet. Jessica stiffened anyway.
Alex lifted one hand. “You don’t have to answer.”
“I’m not ready.”
“I understand.”
“Do you?”
He considered the question. “I’m trying to.”
Jessica looked at Sophia.
“Do you want help finding somewhere?”
“I found one already.”
Another flash of hurt.“You signed a lease?”
“Short-term.”
“When?”
“Yesterday.”
Alex rubbed his thumb over his wedding ring. “Is it safe?”
She lifted one eyebrow.
“Sorry.”
“It’s safe.”
“When she comes home, I’d like to be there. Not stay,” he said quickly. “Just help the fiirst night. If you want. And you don’t have to prove anything to me. I’ll be close. If you want me there, call. If you don’t, don’t.”
Jessica studied him.
“Okay.”
He nodded. Then stepped back.
Alex left a few minutes later. Jessica watched him go.
She should have felt relieved. Instead an uncomfortable truth settled into her chest. She missed him.
Not his money. Not his competence. Not the meals he arranged or the rides he offered or the thousand small inconveniences he knew how to erase. She missed Alex.
The man who made dry jokes when she was nervous.
The man who sang badly in the shower. The man who had once built a blanket fort because she admitted she never had one as a child.
The man who had broken her heart. All of them were the same person.
That was what made leaving him so much harder than hating him.
Jessica looked at Sophia.
“I know,” she whispered when her daughter made a tiny sound.
“I’m confused too.”