Chapter 7
“Everything’s Fine.”
“But you have no evidence that your spouse is cheating on you.”
There was that annoying word again. Evidence. Lara rolled over on her therapist’s couch, wondering who he bought it from. It’s comfortable. I want it. She wanted a lot of things.
“Does evidence really matter when my gut tells me something is wrong?”
“Perhaps something is, in fact, wrong or amiss.” Her therapist was an elderly gentleman who was rumored to have single-handedly solved the Clintons’ marriage.
What he was doing in this God-forsaken city of the rich and powerful, Lara had no idea.
Sucking my money dry, that’s what. The man charged thousands an hour.
Not even “rich” people could afford him.
He'd better fix me. If he could do it without pills? Even better. Lara had watched pills destroy her mother’s personality until she was nothing but a vapid shell who nodded politely, then went back to her jigsaw puzzles while guzzling orange soda.
I’d rather die than become her. Sister Inid was already on that path with her shitty husband and brood of kids.
The therapist cleared his throat before continuing.
“That doesn’t mean she’s cheating on you. All you’ve mentioned is a suspicious young maid mooning over your spouse’s stationery. Otherwise, isn’t everything as it should be? No other problems? Money? Business? Your own personal sex life?”
“Everything’s fine.” They were rich. Business was always good.
And sex? When were they not going at it like rabbits?
The other night notwithstanding. Unfortunately, Lara still had a chip on her shoulder after they got home from Midnight.
Kennedy tried seducing her before they went to bed, but she shrugged her off.
I wouldn’t even touch her. That was a big deal for them.
“Perhaps that’s the problem. Everything is too fine. ”
“You’re used to a certain level of chaos, aren’t you?”
“I don’t know if I would say that, but…” Lara chewed on the inside of her cheek, wishing she had some gum, a mint, anything to keep her tongue and teeth preoccupied with something other than talking. “Things always change, eventually. Something always gives.”
This was a truth in life. Nothing stayed nice and quiet forever. At some point, some business deal would flatline, somebody would go broke, someone would cheat and divorce, or, in her mother’s case, someone would have a nervous breakdown and get doped up on benzos.
People died. Marriages ended. Children were born and created strained relationships for others.
Houses were sold. In comparison to other people they knew, Lara and Kennedy were too quiet, wild sex life aside.
They seldom disagreed regarding money and business, and if they did, it was sorted out rationally within a few days.
When it came to sex, they were always on the same page, even if tastes changed.
But at our core, it’s business as usual. It was always business.
“Ten years is a long time with someone,” the therapist said. “Perhaps you’re antsy?”
“I would believe that if we didn’t have the kind of relationship we did.”
“Do you still love her?”
“Of course I do!” What kind of question was that? Would she be here trying to sort out her insecurities if she didn’t love Kennedy? “Do I really have to spell that out?”
“I merely wanted to confirm, Lara.” The man was more patient than Kennedy. Especially with someone as high-strung as Lara. “Do you believe she still loves you?”
“She says she does every day.” How many women could say that after a decade of marriage?
Only a lucky few, in Lara’s experience. “She doesn’t treat me any differently.
We have a lot of sex. Three, four times a week.
Sometimes more. Less if we’re apart or sick, but that doesn’t happen often.
” She glanced at her therapist. “I’m including non-penetrative sex with that.
” Oral and manual sex always counted in Lara’s book.
Otherwise, she would’ve lost her virginity at sixteen and not fifteen, and she did love numbers with a multiple of five.
“All right.” The therapist typed something on his tablet. “Now, Lara, I want to ask you something that may make you a bit defensive…”
She waited.
“Do you think you may be manufacturing this illicit affair between your maid and your spouse?”
Lara turned toward him again. “Why would I do that?”
“Well, from the sounds of it, you’re uncomfortable with how seemingly simple your relationship is after a decade.
If your instincts tell you that things fall apart after a certain period of time, then you will start looking for signs that may not even be there.
Things that did not bother you before will now.
You’re looking for reasons to think that your wife is cheating, because you’re looking for reasons to end your marriage.
You said so yourself that you fantasize about divorcing your spouse. ”
“I don’t know if I would say fantasize…”
“It’s completely normal, Lara. You are far from the first woman, let alone person, who harbors ideas of ending something perfectly fine for the sake of ending it.
In this day and age, we are conditioned to want something new every five minutes.
Even if you have an open marriage, you may still crave someone new to call your own. ”
“I would never cheat on her.”
“Even so, our subconscious can sabotage even the best of things because of what it believes is necessary. And for your subconscious, it may think that a new relationship, a new marriage, is in order. Therefore, you want a divorce, but you also need a reason for that divorce. You look for signs that your partner is cheating on you, one of the only reasonable grounds for divorce you can think of.”
Lara sat up and swung her legs over the side of the couch. Her fingers gripped the edge as she stared at the plush, beige carpet. So neutral. So boring. Like her life could be sometimes, even for all its adventures. “So what do I do?”
“Well, first of all, you need to talk to your spouse and tell her your fears and concerns.”
Lara shook her head. “I couldn’t tell her that I thought she was cheating on me…”
“You don’t have to. Simply tell her that you’re concerned about feeling uninspired and in need of something different.
Whatever that means for you two. It may be necessary to brainstorm ideas on how you can eventually feel better and more confident in your marriage.
” The therapist paused, glancing at his ceiling in thought. “Your second honeymoon is coming up?”
“Yes. After our anniversary.”
“That’s an excellent opportunity to explore new facets of your relationship. It’s also a chance to have these talks, since ten years marks a change in your relationship, no matter what.”
She didn’t want to cry. She definitely didn’t want to cry in front of her therapist, whose office was decked out for Christmas and sporting pictures of his happy family.
Did this man have the same concerns for his life that she did for hers?
Was he the type of man to build up signs that weren’t there, so he would have the excuse of ending a perfectly good marriage?
I don’t want to lose Kennedy… Yet her instincts…
Lara grabbed a tissue and dabbed the corner of her eye. “I can’t ignore my instincts. They’ve never failed me before.”
“Then you really need to talk with her. If necessary, we can schedule a session with her.”
Boy, that would be a trip and a half. Lara couldn’t even imagine what that kind of conversation would be like.
She did leave the office that day with a new resolution, however.
Don’t fall for your own mind games, Lara.
First, she treated herself to that spa day since she happened to be downtown.
Lara was pampered by the best masseuse in the region and had her toenails painted a bright, cheery pink that would delight her every time she looked at them.
She wasn’t thrilled about having half her hair ripped out of her body, but she ignored the pain by talking to the esthetician about the latest gossip around town.
Lara considered these temporary improvements to her skin, nails, and muscles as a new lease on her attitude. From now on, I’ll calm down. She strolled down the chilly city streets, sipping a latte and trying to enjoy the moment for what it was.
Her partner loved her.
She loved her partner.
They had everything they could ever want, including each other.
Lots of people may not care much for them, for whatever reason, but those same people were jealous of how strong they were as a couple.
Lara could not let anything come between her and Kennedy, including her irrational insecurities conjured by her pesky subconscious. Her therapist was right. She was manufacturing these ideas for the sake of drama. No wonder some people found her insufferable.
She detoured to the downtown office where Kennedy was working that day.
In true real estate mogul fashion, the Anderssens owned their own renovated building that they used for their business and to sublet to others.
Yet the top few floors were all theirs, and within those currently empty halls was her spouse’s downtown abode, where she spent way too many hours a week dealing with grumpy investors, running numbers, and responding to concerns posted by current tenants and those looking to buy and sell other properties. All in a day’s work for those two.
“Yes, thank you.” Kennedy’s voice echoed through the inner chambers of the private office the moment Lara entered. She quietly closed the door and tiptoed toward the sound of her partner’s voice, intending to surprise her. “I love how willing you are, Chloe.”
Lara stopped. So did her heart.
Color? What color? She didn’t need any color in her face.
Kennedy wasn’t talking to the maid back home like an employer.
She leaned back in her large leather chair, knee resting against the desk as she spun herself to and fro with the dumbest smile on her even dumber face.
Fuck me. Fuck her! That voice… that was the voice she used when talking sweetly to Lara. To her wife.
“When I think of you, Bunny, I can’t help but sound like this.” That’s what she told her years ago, when Lara first asked why she spoke so softly like that.
Lara was going to kill her.
“That’s fine. Go ahead and put it on my desk. I’ll put it all away later.” Laughter. “I’ve gotta go. I’ll talk to you about it later.” Kennedy leaned forward, bending her elbows on her desk. That stupid smirk would not leave her face. “And I’ll see you soon.”
She hung up.
Lara remained in the archway, undetected. She stared at her spouse – the woman who supposedly loved her above all others. The woman she took a vow to always be open and trusting with. The woman who was definitely cheating on her.
The therapist was wrong. So. Fucking. Wrong.
It wasn’t all in Lara’s head.
It was right here in front of her, and its name was a tale as old as time. My wife is screwing the help.
Maybe not just screwing.
Romancing.
That was one boundary they never crossed: romancing other partners. They would seduce, but they would never make it emotional. That route led to nothing but tears and terror. Like now, as Lara faced her crumbling marriage before her very eyes.
“Kennedy.”
She was doing it. She was confronting her.
Kennedy turned in her chair, surprised, but not shocked. The woman had no shame! Here she was, getting off the phone with the real mistress while the wife walked in and caught her practically red-handed. If Lara didn’t kill her, her lack of shame would.
“Bunny,” she said, using that same voice she used with Chloe over the phone. “I wasn’t expecting you.”
No shit. “Thought I’d drop by,” she replied. “Was in the neighborhood.” Asshole.
Even though Lara stood in front of her like she was about to rip off her head, Kennedy remained completely unfazed.
How dare she be so composed? Didn’t she realize what her wife had witnessed?
“It’s always a pleasure to see you, Wife.
Did you drive down? We could go get dinner later.
I hear there’s a nice new Italian place a few blocks from here… ”
Lara cut straight to the point. “I heard you on the phone with the maid.” She paused for emphasis. “Anything wrong back home?” Like your hands in the wrong woman’s sheets?
“Oh? That?” Here it came. The lies. “Nothing of any concern. Chloe called to say that a package I’ve been anxiously expecting arrived. I told her to leave it in my office to look at later.”
“Hey, baby, let’s check out my package together… in my office.” Gag.
“You sounded awfully familiar with her, Kennedy.” Lara continued to stand like an anxious soldier waiting for her orders. Kill. Those are my orders. Hell hath no fury…
“Why shouldn’t I have been familiar with her? She’s been working for us for months now.” Finally, Kennedy frowned. “What is this about? I’m telling you the truth, Bunny.”
Lara lowered her arms, nearly letting her purse fall off her shoulder. I want to believe her. Why wouldn’t she? She just came out of therapy, declaring how much she loved her spouse and how much she wanted to believe that everything she’d been imagining was a lie. “Kenny…”
“Come here.” Kennedy patted her lap.
She wanted to go. She wanted to flee – to go back to her therapist’s office with this brand-new information. But I want her. Lara took one tentative step forward, afraid that she would fall for her partner’s demeanor once again.
This woman wouldn’t really cheat on her, right? It was all in her head, right? What was Lara to do? Did she trust her gut, which sent up a million red flags? Or did she trust her heart, which didn’t care what her spouse did as long as she treated her as she always did?
Your gut, stupid. What did her heart know?
It made her go and sit in Kennedy’s lap, laughing away her worries because how dare she?
Her heart was stupid. Couldn’t she see that her wife going behind her back and romancing some young, insignificant woman was treating her like shit? Even if inadvertently?
It was days like those that not only caused a war within her body, but also proved how sad, stupid, and careless this drama queen really could be.