Chapter 67 #2
Too close to her, he retreated as far as he could in the small room—to the wall beneath the port window. He dropped his gaze, wishing he were dead.
“Why not?” she asked, strong and firm, though the wobble in her chin betrayed her. “Why can’t I love you?”
“Because—” His body, which had survived a lifetime of assault, suddenly felt too inadequate to get the words out.
“Because what?”
“Because—” Airik’s body shook, overwhelmed by the crushing weight of fear. A burning pain shot down his spine into his legs. They buckled, and he dropped to his knees.
“Because—” his voice cracked. He scratched at his chest. Maybe if he tore it open, it wouldn’t hurt so much.
His heart, under strain for so many days—his whole life, maybe—begged to be allowed to burst. To release this terrible agony that drove him to breathe, to hope that he’d be allowed to exist in the same world as someone like Nora.
By Ulliel’s grace, this must have been the Madness—the same that had ensnared his father.
He remembered it now—kisses between them in a world that lacked a word for it.
Hundreds of brands burned into his father’s skin.
For loving his mother. For Airik’s very existence, for which they’d sacrificed everything.
“Because,” he forced himself to say, “anyone who has ever loved me…has died.”
The air grew extremely still. He could only hear his uneven breathing ravaging his chest and belly until his body tightened, exhausted. With a gasp, he collapsed forward onto his hands.
Nora came to him then. If he had the strength, he would’ve crawled away. But he didn’t and couldn’t. So when she placed a single, delicate finger under his chin, he was forced to lift his gaze to hers. “I love you,” she said.
A pitiful moan escaped him.
She wrapped him in her arms, his cheek pressed to her heart. It thudded, beating infinite little calls to his soul.
Airik. Airik. Airik.
Nora. Nora. Nora. He wanted to answer.
“No.” He tried pushing away, but that only made her tighten her embrace.
“I’m not letting you go,” she said—an ultimatum. After a pause, she then added, “And…don’t say no to me again.”
Against his will, his heart forced him to bury his face in her belly, his arms wrapping around her back. “Please don’t—please don’t love me,” he begged. “I will do it alone—enough for both of us. I…I already do.”
Her fingers wove into his hair. “It’s too late. I love you.”
“You do not,” he insisted. “You are scared—”
“I love you, and I’m not scared.” Her fingers twisted in his hair so tightly that his scalp tingled.
“Even though I should be fucking terrified—after everything that’s happened to me and will probably happen—I’m not scared.
Not really. Because you found me, and I know you won’t let anything bad happen to us.
And because…I fucking love you.” She laughed a little, as if she couldn’t believe her own words.
Airik looked up, her dark eyes catching the moonlight, a reddish glow only he could ever see. “I won’t—I won’t survive it if I lose you, too. You’re the first light I’ve seen in so long. You’re—” His throat seized, and the rest of his words came out in agonized coughs.
She didn’t let him look away, instead wiping his tears. Nora tilted her head and smiled. Her unbound hair fell over his face like a veil. “You won’t lose me. Why would you think that?”
“You don’t understand our world,” he said, again trying to push away. “I am chased by death. Even now. And you’ll be caught first. Loving me is not worth—”
She drew him back to her, her unwavering gaze holding him, fierce in its certainty. “I love you. I love you. I love you.” Each declaration pierced his heart, stitching the endless bleeding together with the string of three simple words.
A furry mass crawled up on his legs from behind and settled in the crook of his knees, purring loudly.
“Lucky loves you, too,” Nora said. “Not as much as I do, of course, but…enough.”
A heat expanded in Airik’s chest, stilling him. Yes, this was the Madness, but once, he had known it by another word.
Arezai.
Love.
A forbidden word in the ancient Voraki language. Erased and never replaced in the common language. The last time he’d heard it had been in a quiet voice. A small boy pretending to sleep, pressed between two bodies that had held on to him tightly. Whispered words.
Nora stroked his hair. New tears burst free with the memory. He couldn’t remember who had said it—his mother or his father. Perhaps it had been both. Maybe they had said the word to him or to one another. It didn’t matter.
Airik let out an odd, short laugh. Entirely out of place, but neither Nora nor Lucky flinched.
Despite everything he was—who he’d been forged into and whatever he’d been forced to commit—the best, most divine parts for the universe were with him. In this small room, on a planet that should no longer exist.
The impossible smell of iilas berries filled his nose. He didn’t bother looking for the source. There wouldn’t be one. Because now he knew what it was.
Mother. Father. Are you here with us now?
Deep, shuddering sobs took hold of him, dragged from the depths of memories he’d fooled himself into thinking he’d destroyed.
Do you see her? She’s giving me back everything I’ve lost. Please.
He held Nora tightly, his face pressed against her bare skin.
Please keep her safe, from wherever you are, so I can keep her forever.
I will take care of her. I will become the man who deserves her—who you would have wanted me to be instead of who I am.
The shadows in the room moved as she held him, like they were among the stars.
He cried for so long that, eventually, sensing their exhaustion, Lucky nudged them toward the cot.
Nora dangled her legs over the edge, cradling Airik’s head in her lap as he knelt on the floor.
Whether it was madness or love, Airik didn’t care. He wanted this.
His breath returned. His muscles relaxed enough so that he could kiss her thighs and hands as she told him everything would be all right.
“I should go,” he said, with no intention to move. But…something nagged at him that he had forgotten something, and that had been why he’d said it.
“But I want you to stay,” she said.
Concern for whatever he had forgotten vanished, along with the last of his tears. “Are you keeping me with you? A prisoner?”
Nora laughed, then scooted back on the cot. “I am,” she said. “Your punishment for saying no to me.” She took his hand, guiding him in with her like a goddess animating a clay statue to do what she pleased.
He crawled up to her, his body trembling with a joy that, at the moment, felt too large for his heart to hold. “What will you do to me?” he asked, pulling her into his arms.
“What do you want me to do?”
She yawned, and he responded with his own.
“I want you to listen. I will teach you a word—a very old word, demon eyes. And then we really should try to fucking sleep.”