Chapter 9 #3
“I’m…fine.” I turn on the couch to face him properly and ignore the losing game.
When he looks at me, I continue, “This week has been amazing, as much as I don’t want to admit everyone was right.
Playing yesterday afternoon? Everything was fine.
Zero issues. Yeah, I need to work on my technique, but I wasn’t hesitating.
My shoulder felt fine, no tightness or twinging.
I had fun, and I remembered why I love the game.
And I can’t believe I’m sitting here instead of on the field with them, running for my life to fix Peter’s mistakes. ”
Liam frowns and averts his gaze, and I realise what I said.
I lift his chin. “I’m glad I’m here. I am so glad Daisy told me about her friend who had a spare room in Wānaka, but I can’t help thinking how this injury is imaginary, and I’m not there with them when I feel okay.” I smile. “But then I wouldn’t have met you.”
“And you wouldn’t be feeling as good as you do now.
You felt like shit when you got here. It’s only the last few days you’ve actually gotten some space from it all and relaxed.
” He’s right. I only managed to stop thinking about it when I distracted myself with him.
Liam puts his arm on the back of the couch.
“If you were with them, you would still feel like shit and would be beating yourself up when your body didn’t perform as well as you want it to. ”
I consider his argument and imagine being there with them, having never met Liam.
Not hiked, or read, or kissed Liam. He’s right.
I’d be holed up in my hotel room, hating life, thinking about losing my position with the team.
“You’re right. I’ll be better next week because of the break.
It’s just hard watching the game”—a glance confirms we’re still losing and yellow cards have been shown—“when I feel good now. But I’m worried—” I shake my head and lift Liam’s hand from his lap to fiddle with his fingers.
“Worried about what?”
“I’m worried I’ll arrive in South Africa, get on the field, and I won’t feel any different.
My shoulder will feel off and the fun and excitement I found yesterday won’t translate at all.
What if I’m worse?” I rub a hand across my mouth.
“And if we lose this game, it means I’ll arrive to a shitshow where I have to play well, otherwise we’ll lose the cup.
Playing with you felt normal, easy. What if it isn’t when I leave? ”
Liam laughs, and I meet his blue eyes. “Hemi, it was easy with me because I’m shit at it.
It should be easy with me because you’re a professional, and I’m a writer who hasn’t touched a rugby ball since I was seventeen.
The team should challenge you. That’s a good thing.
Being so stressed that your body thinks it’s injured is bad.
You need to take breaks and focus on something besides dropping a ball.
This week gave you balance and breathing space to remember your other interests and hobbies.
Doesn’t your coach say half the game’s mental? ”
“Yes, but—”
“But nothing. You’ll get to South Africa and practice with the team and relax in the hotel room instead of spiralling about everything.”
I stand and pace in front of the TV, too anxious to sit. “But what if I get there and I can’t even throw? Let alone tackle. Liam, I don’t think—”
Liam stands and strides to me and cups my cheeks, forcing me to look at him.
“Hemi, you are on the team because you’re fucking good at your job.
You’re going to fly to South Africa, train with the team, have check-ins with Daisy, and talk to the team psychologist. And if it gets too much, you’ll call me and I’ll tell you to read a book or watch The Lord of the Rings or talk to me about it if you want to.
You’ll show up at the game next week and win it.
I know you will because you work hard. The fact that you needed a break says nothing about your skills as a player.
All it means is your body needs a break. That’s it.”
Liam brushes his thumbs over my cheeks. “It’s the same when I have a block writing. It means I need a break. So I play a video game or read a book or text Daisy to give my mind something else to do while it sorts itself out in the background.”
I blink at him, his blue eyes soft and encouraging, the confidence he has in me vibrating from him, and I nod. “Okay.”
“Okay,” Liam repeats.
“I can do this. I’ll see the team again and everything will be fine, and if it isn’t, I’ll work on it or call you.” He can’t take back what he said. He’s given me permission to call him, so I will until he gets sick of me and blocks my number.
“Exactly. Because you have people who care about you. You have a support system, so you better call me. Or Charlie. Or your mum.” Liam stares at me seriously.
“I will,” I swear. My hands reach up to clutch his wrists, and I shift my head to press a kiss to his hand.
“Good. Now let’s finish watching this game and pray they pull themselves together.”
The team pulled themselves together. Barely. With three yellow cards and more blood dripping down faces than usual. At least I won’t be walking into a stressed team, but that doesn’t stop the tightening in my chest.
I inhale Liam’s scent and tuck myself closer to him, resting my chin on his hair, and pull the covers tighter around us.
We didn’t stick around after the game ended for the interviews.
I think Liam wanted to stop me from spiralling into my anxious brain after the messy win, but getting back into bed with him for a nap when I know we have to leave in a few hours so I can catch my flight to Auckland, away from him, when I don’t know when I’ll see him again, is not helping anything.
The only thing helping is his scent surrounding me and the heat of his body against mine.
But even that will be gone soon, and I cling to the fact he said I could call him.
He wouldn’t have said that unless he meant it and wanted to hear from me again after I leave.
Right?
He wouldn’t have said that just to stop me feeling bad about myself. I don’t think he would, at least. I shake my head to dislodge the anxious thoughts. He said to call him, so I will until he tells me not to.
I huddle closer to him and close my eyes even though I know I won’t sleep. Not when sunlight peeks through the curtains.
Especially not when my shoulder has started throbbing.
I don’t want to leave. I want to stay here with Liam and ignore everything else, but I have a job to do, and I owe it to the team and myself to play the game to the best of my ability.
I hope what Liam said is true and that I can do it.
But there’s a persistent thought looping in my mind saying a week won’t fix anything.
And I guess I’m about to find out.