Transcript of the Cockatrices v. Stymphs Match, June 1, 2026
Interlude
Courtesy of Complete Carriwitchet: Minor League Coverage
Basil Tumberhatch: And they’re off! Soaring out of the stables and onto the pitch are the Dunanaird Cockatrices, Scotland’s pride and—
Helena Hedgecomb: Embarrassment. Embarrassment, darling. You can say it.
Basil: Er, some might say. Well, it’s a rainy day here in Dunanaird, but the NCL Cockatrices are clearly ready to face their opponents!
Look at their Wingeds circling the pitch as their riders jog out!
There’s Captain Jillian Bart, waving to the, uh, rather meager crowd!
Last season’s victory against the NCL Stymphs was Bart’s first win as captain—and the team’s first win in two decades.
Today, we’ll see if the Stymphs are ready to make a comeback! What do you think, Helena, dear?
Helena: I’m not quite sure, Basil. One of their Robbers, Samara Heaton, recently left the team.
We have no word who they’ve replaced her with…
or if they’ve replaced her at all. After an abysmal two seasons, things are looking very bad indeed for the NCL Stymphs.
They’re on the verge of dissolution; a team’s worst nightmare.
We could be witnessing their very last game.
For Stymphs fans, it’s a very somber day indeed.
Basil: Well, you know what they say, Helena!
Speak of the devil, and the devil comes knocking!
The stable doors are bursting open, and out strides Captain Kion Locke of the NCL Stymphs, followed by fan favorite Knox Tanaka.
Look at these birds take to the sky! Look at—Wait.
What, er, what the bloody hells is that?
Helena: That, Basil darling, appears to be a very old and very decrepit stymph.
Basil: …
Helena: …
Basil: What the actual [CENSORED]?
Helena: Wait a second, dear. Wait. Who’s that it’s landing in front of?
Basil: Oh, my days. Oh, my days, is that—is that Taissa Cho? Helena, I think that’s Taissa Cho!
Helena: It appears, ladies and gentlemen, that here in Dunanaird, we are witnessing the reappearance of disgraced player Taissa Cho! She’s here with the NCL Stymphs, with boyfriend Kion Locke, about to ride a bird that looks like it’s on the brink of death!
Basil: Goodness, oh, goodness! I can’t believe this! She’s standing next to Kion Locke on the field, and if I’m correct, she’ll be taking Samara Heaton’s place as a Robber! Folks, this is mad! Taissa Cho was the Robber for the NCL Wyverns before she was exposed for cheating! OH, MY DAYS—
Helena: Oh hush, hush, calm yourself, darling. Think of your blood pressure. We’ll now commence the riddle portion of the match. Mind-to-mind, the Wingeds will pose their riddle to their witch or warlock…
Basil: There we go! And it looks like Cockatrice team are off, speedy riddle-solvers that they are! Given permission to mount, they’re hopping on, as are the NCL Stymphs…all but one player. Taissa Cho seems to be in some kind of argument with her Winged! Will she solve the riddle or not?
Helena: The former, it seems. Now, Cho is…Well, that’s interesting. Cho’s steed refuses to bow to her, necessitating a maneuver known as the High Mount! Look at that running start. Well, here we go, folks! Cho finally takes to the sky on her gerontological bird! And the game is on.
Basil: HA! I never get tired of seeing how these cockatrices’ heads wobble. There goes Jillian Bart into a Solomonari Formation, and there’s Taissa Cho in a picture-perfect Echelon with James Ridgeshaw and her sweetheart, Kion Locke. The Stymphs are determined to get those draconian jewels…
Helena: And it looks like Cho and Locke have scored weapons from the third tier of the tower! Not a bad start for the Stymphs. Not a bad start at all, is it, dear?
Basil: Uh…Looks like we have a bit of a spat out on the field…
Helena: Oh? Oh…Yes, darling, it looks like there’s a verbal altercation happening on the pitch! Cockatrice Robber Hamitch Mill seems to be shouting something at Taissa Cho…
Basil: It sounds like he’s shouting, “Cheater!”
Helena: Now, I would encourage Cho to turn a blind eye, but it seems like the witch is shouting something back!
Basil: Oh, my, that’s some strong language. Some very, very strong language. I don’t know what half of those words mean! Is that Gaelic?
Helena: And…the referee has given Taissa Cho one purple card. Kion Locke seems to be having some angry words with her. Tensions are running high. We all know the rules about purple cards, collected for strong language, foul play, spitting, and the like…
Basil: Two more purple cards, and the Stymphs are immediately disqualified. Something they can’t risk this season. As we near halftime, it’s looking more and more like Taissa Cho might just be a liability…
Helena: The Stymphs are getting frustrated, and you can see it in their playing. Sloppiness. Oh, that’s a nasty blow that Bronte Rihowl took by the Cockatrice’s defense, isn’t it, darling?
Basil: OH! Oh, dear! Did James Ridgeshaw just crash into the siege tower?
Helena: It appears so…
Basil: Things are only going downhill for the Stymphs!
This reminds me of dominoes, Helena, with one collapse after the other.
Watch Kion Locke. He’s rushing back to his side with weapons in hand…
And there it is. He drops a handful of swords—NEARLY DECAPITATING ADRIEL POLLACK!
Oho-boy. Nearly killing your own defense, well, that’s not a good look, is it?
Helena: Not only that, dear, but turn your attention to Knox Tanaka on offense. He’s hanging out of his saddle upside down! It seems he can’t get back up despite teammate Bronte Rihowl’s help…
Basil: …and Rihowl has just been landed a nasty blow from the Cockatrices’ defense! It seems that Tanaka is now not the only one hanging from his saddle!
Helena: Well, this is certainly a sight! As the weather worsens, so does the Stymphs’ playing.
Basil: Well, the Stymphs had better right themselves quickly! The Cockatrices have snatched one draconian jewel, that’s one draconian jewel! There are only two left to nab from the Stymphs’ side, and the game is Dunanaird’s…
Helena: Kion Locke doesn’t seem too happy about that.
Basil: Even I’m feeling bad for Taissa, getting shouted at like that by her partner. Dear me, Helena, if you shouted at me like that I fear I might weep.
Helena: Well, darling, she is shouting back. I’d be surprised if Kion Locke isn’t on the verge of weeping himself. What’s that hand gesture she’s giving him? I don’t recognize it, but it looks quite crude…
Basil: Wait. Wait…Something’s happening. Helena, Helena, look.
Helena: Oberon’s teeth! The—the Cockatrices! They’re…No, it can’t be.
Basil: They’re falling from the sky.