Chapter Nine
Danny
Fuck me, I was kissing Ezra. And it wasn’t like a soft, gentle, “are we actually doing this” kiss. It was a “shove your tongue down my throat, we’re getting nasty” kind of kiss.
And it felt good.
My whole body was tingling, and my brain had shut down. All I had left was instinct and experience. Because yeah, I’d never been super into fucking girls but I had. And I’d made out with even more, mostly kind of hoping I’d feel something, so I knew how to kiss. I was a good kisser.
And I was going to show Ezra exactly what he’d nearly missed out on by being so demanding. I mean, why did I have to say please? Why couldn’t he have just kissed me? He definitely wanted me, so why had he insisted on being such a dick about it? It was fucking rude.
I was ignoring the fact I’d kind of liked it. That it’d been fun to push his buttons and see what he did.
Maybe I’d do it again next time, just to see what happened.
Because, yeah, there was going to be a next time.
Ezra’s hand slid around the side of my neck as his mouth moved against mine, his tongue licking across the seam of my lips. His kiss had eased from taking, to something gentler. Like he was letting me know he was there and he was into it. As if that hadn’t already been obvious.
Was he worried or something?
Should I be worried about something?
Because I couldn’t think of anything.
Mostly because my whole focus was on the fact that Ezra was kissing me and it felt better than any fucking kiss I’d ever had in my life. Was this what kissing was meant to feel like?
I groaned as Ezra’s tongue swiped over my bottom lip, my fingers tightening on the front of his fancy shirt as I tried to drag him closer. But instead he pulled away and raised his hands, like he’d been caught doing something illegal. But there was nobody else here.
“What the fuck?” I asked, my voice raspier than I’d intended. How had that happened? “Where are you going?”
“We shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Says who?”
“Me.”
“Why not?” I asked defiantly, putting my hands on my hips. The same way Jade always did when she was pissed at me. It always worked, so I figured it was worth giving it a try.
“I’m a fucking mess, Danny. I’m not good for you.”
“So? I’m not asking you to date me. I’m just asking you to fuck me. It’s not that serious.”
“Jesus Christ,” Ezra muttered and scrubbed his face with one hand, saying something else under his breath that I missed.
“What did you say? I missed it.” Because I wasn’t having someone talk about me right in front of my face without knowing what they’d said.
“I said I need a drink,” Ezra said with a scowl, but he was still sort of smiling. Like he was amused by my antics. Good. If he thought I was funny or cute, then he might keep talking to me. And I wanted his attention so badly it felt more like a craving than a need.
“All right, then let’s go and get one.”
He chuckled wryly and shook his head. “You’re really not going to let this go, are you?”
“Fuck no, especially not after that.” I gestured at the space between us with my hands. “And I haven’t gotten an answer I like yet, and I’m not leaving until I get one.”
He sighed and walked back to his desk to grab his stuff, but he still looked amused, so I was taking that as a win. “You really are like a puppy.”
“Puppy? I’m not a dog! I mean I know I’m cute, but—”
“Exactly,” he said, cutting me off before I could get any further. “Cute, naughty, won’t let things go, no manners at all, and yet completely irresistible.” He picked up his bag and walked back to me, putting a finger out to lightly tap my nose while smirking. “Puppy.”
“Ugh, you’re a dickhead.”
“Tell me something I don’t know.”
“You’re a good kisser,” I said, the words falling out of me before I could stop them.
Ezra’s eyes sparkled and his smirk widened, the expression doing funny things to my stomach. “Like I said, tell me something I don’t know.” He turned and walked towards the office door, glancing at me over his shoulder. “Come on, puppy, I thought we were leaving.”
“Stop it!”
“No.”
I scowled and pouted, wishing I wasn’t holding my bag so I could fold my arms across my chest. “Where are we going then? If we can’t talk here.”
Ezra thought for a moment. “You can come to mine. We can talk there.”
“Okay. Are you driving? I can follow you.”
“Fine.” He cracked the door open then sighed and looked back at me again, only this time he seemed more sad. “I’ll warn you now, my place is a piece of shit. But it’s clean and there’s vodka.”
It was a strange thing to mention, but I didn’t have time to ask him about why he’d brought it up before he stepped out into the corridor.
His head twisted sharply from side to side as he checked to see if anyone else was around, but I didn’t think they were.
I was pretty sure I’d seen Clive, Tommy, and Gavin all heading for their cars with the rest of the team.
Although I guessed there was no guarantee they hadn’t come back or that one of the site managers or cleaning staff wouldn’t spot us. And I didn’t fancy doing any explaining before I’d even had a chance to figure out what the fuck was going on.
I followed Ezra down the stairs and outside, noticing he was parked a lot closer to the building than me. “I’ll see you in a few minutes,” I said with a grin before sauntering towards my car, hoping I looked more relaxed than I felt.
In reality my head was a mess, not to mention my insides, and as I climbed into the front seat and shut the door, a wave of panic crashed into me.
Shit the bed. What had I done?
I’d fucking made out with someone. With a man. And I’d liked it.
Fuck, I’d liked it so much I was now going back to his place to talk about what we’d done because I didn’t know how to let things go. I really was a first-class knobhead.
My hands began to shake as I hit the ignition button, my stomach twisting and bubbling, reminding me of the time I’d eaten too much candy floss and then ridden the rollercoasters at the local fair. I’d thrown up everywhere afterwards and I really hoped I wasn’t about to do the same now.
I let out a deep, shaking breath as I reversed my car out of its spot and followed Ezra onto the road.
Nothing bad was going to happen to me for making out with Ezra, I told myself.
Nobody was going to know, and even if they did, they probably wouldn’t care.
Charlie might be upset I hadn’t told him, maybe a few of the others might say they’d already known—in which case, fuck them, because it would’ve been nice if they’d told me—and the rest…
I didn’t think it would even register as unusual.
Unless…
There were quite a few gay and bi guys on the team already. What if I was one too many? The Knights wasn’t a specifically LGBTQ team. Maybe there were quotas for this stuff? I didn’t think it worked that way, but maybe there was some rule somewhere in the fine print.
Although, since there were no rules anyone could find about teammates shagging each other, it didn’t seem likely that they’d thought of this. You never knew, though. And I didn’t want to be the one who tipped the balance and made people uncomfortable.
“Fuck’s sake,” I muttered to myself, shaking my head as I tried to dislodge all the other voices trying to share their opinion. “Leave me alone!”
I reached for the volume dial on the centre console, turning my music up so loudly I could feel the bassline vibrating through my seat.
It wasn’t the best distraction, but it was all I had since I couldn’t exactly start doing housework, which was the main thing I used to switch my brain off.
There was nothing more satisfying than deep cleaning my kitchen when I wanted to forget about things for a while.
The drive seemed to take forever but when we parked on the street outside some large, old, terraced houses, I couldn’t remember how I’d gotten here. My body had done the whole journey on autopilot, following Ezra’s number plate like some sort of yellow plastic beacon.
There was a knock on the window and I startled, catching the horn with my elbow as I twisted at speed in my seat, and the harsh blaring made me curse as my heart leapt into my mouth. Ezra, who’d been the one knocking, jumped back onto the pavement and tripped, landing on his arse.
“Fuck, are you okay?” I asked as I threw open my door and scrambled out, narrowly avoiding catching my foot on a cracked paving stone and joining Ezra on the floor.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Ezra said, sitting up and resting his hands on his knees as I dropped down next to him. “Nothing wounded but my pride. And maybe my arse.”
“As long as that’s it. We can fix those.”
“You’re very concerned for someone who regularly gets trampled for a living.
” He smiled, his soft eyes meeting mine as I knelt in front of him.
He had really long lashes and a little scar on the side of his nose, like he’d had a piercing there and it’d closed up.
For some reason, that made me smile more than anything.
“Yeah, well, I get paid to do that. And I’m fast, so it only happens if I get caught.”
“And how often does that happen?”
I shrugged. “More than I’d like to admit, but have you seen some of these guys? It’s like trying to run through fucking mountains.”
Ezra chuckled. “I’ll take your word for it. I don’t fancy trying it myself.” He looked around. “We should go inside instead of having this conversation on the pavement.”
“Yeah, probably.” Another flash of panic bubbled hot in my stomach at his words.
“What’s wrong?” Ezra asked, his eyes narrowing.
“Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me,” he said sharply. “I hate liars.”
“Sorry.”
“No, it’s fine.” He sighed. “My ex-husband lied. A lot. So, don’t lie to me. Please. It’s the one thing I’d ask.”
“Okay,” I said with a nod, desperately fighting back the urge to ask what he’d lied about. Not because I needed to know, but because I wanted to.
“So, let me ask you again, what’s wrong?”
“I don’t know. I mean, I do. I just dunno if I have the words for it. It’s kinda complicated. And not really something I want to talk about out here.”
He nodded. “Still want to come inside? It doesn’t mean anything. We can talk and you can tell me about these complicated feelings.”
“Do I have to?” I didn’t know if I was ready for that.
I didn’t even know if I knew how to explain what I was feeling.
Saying I was a fucking mess felt like an understatement and felt like it’d lead to Ezra asking even more questions.
And I didn’t fancy exploring my emotions or all the shit that was lurking behind them.
I wanted to pretend they didn’t exist and push them down until they crawled out of their grave like emotional zombies and ate my brain. And by that point, I wouldn’t have to worry about them. Brain zombies for the win.
“No, you don’t. But you can have that drink you wanted.”
“Deal,” I said, pushing myself to my feet and holding out a hand to pull Ezra up. His palm was soft against mine, his grip warm and firm.
All I could think about was the way his hand had felt against the side of my neck.
And how much I wanted to feel it there again.