Chapter Twenty-Three
Ezra
I shifted the Pyrex dish in my hands and adjusted the bag strap on my shoulder so I could ring Danny’s doorbell without dropping anything, hoping I’d made the right choice by bringing dinner round.
We hadn’t had much time to hang out over the past couple of weeks beyond the odd fuck we’d snuck in after he’d finished training and I’d finished work. Sometimes we’d watch some shit TV together afterwards, maybe have some food if he hadn’t already eaten, but neither of us ever stayed the night.
I told myself it was because it would be too much fuss the next morning to get our shit together for work.
But in reality, I was desperately trying to keep some sort of barrier erected between us that stopped our hookups from bleeding into something else.
Tonight was different, though. Tonight didn’t count. Because I missed him and I fucking needed to see him.
“Hey,” Danny said as he pulled open the door, his face lighting up when he realised it was me. “I didn’t know you were coming round.”
“Sorry, is this a bad time?”
“Nah, course not. Come in.” He stepped back and waved me inside, inhaling deeply as I walked past him. “Something smells good.”
“I made dinner,” I said as I slipped off my shoes. “Unless you’ve already eaten?”
“I can eat twice. What is it?”
“Pasta shells stuffed with spinach and ricotta, with tomato and basil sauce. I’ve got some mozzarella to go on the top too. It needs about twenty minutes in the oven.”
“Fuck me, that sounds good,” Danny said, casually pinching the dish out of my hands and striding off towards the kitchen. “I’ll put the oven on.”
I chuckled and shook my head affectionately at him, the warm, soft spot inside my chest that Danny had wormed himself into glowing slightly. It was adorable how happy he was about me bringing him food. He didn’t even know if it was any good. I could have been a shit cook for all he knew.
I wasn’t, but that was beside the point.
“Don’t you want to know what else I’ve got?
” I asked, readjusting my bag as I followed him through.
The TV was paused, and I realised Danny had been watching another of his beloved reality shows.
He’d been trying to introduce me to them, and despite my resistance I had gone back and binged both seasons of America’s Sweethearts and was halfway through the first season of Love is Blind.
“There’s more? Is it just vodka?”
“No, actually. I’m trying to drink less.”
“What is it then?”
“Cheesecake.”
“Fuck yes! I am totally sucking your dick later,” he said, shooting me a wink as I stepped into his spotless kitchen.
The first time I’d been here, I’d wondered if Danny had cleaned just for me, but now I knew it was always like this.
Deep cleaning was apparently one of Danny’s preferred ways to relax.
Although it seemed like his new-found love for sucking cock might replace that very soon.
“You know, you don’t have to give me a blow job just because I brought you food,” I said as I slid my arms around his waist and kissed the side of his neck.
“Yeah, I know. But what if I want to do it anyway?”
“Then you’re very welcome to.” I kissed his neck again and smirked as Danny moaned quietly. He was so sensitive and there was nothing hotter than seeing how quickly he reacted to my touch. “Or we can watch one of your terrible shows and you can warm my cock while we watch?”
“Is that, like, me having your cock in my mouth while we watch but not trying to get you off?”
“Basically, yes. Would you like to try that? I know how much you like having something in your mouth.”
“Yeah.” Danny nodded, groaning as he leant back against me, his head resting on my shoulder. “I wanna try that. Was thinking about coming into your office to do that whenever I’m stressed.”
“That would be very hot,” I said, trailing more kisses up his neck. “We’ll try it tonight and see if you like it. Then maybe we can try it in my office one day when everyone else has left for the day.”
“Fuck yes.”
I smiled and kissed the side of his face, just beside his ear. “You’ve had a haircut,” I said, noticing the side and front of his mullet had been trimmed and tidied. “It looks good.”
“Thanks. I was thinking about getting rid of the mullet, but I don’t know if I’m ready yet. I still kinda like it.”
“Keep the mullet for as long as you want. It suits you. You’re the only person I’ve ever met who can make a mullet and moustache look sexy.”
He grinned as he turned his face to look at me. “I’m so keeping it then. Everyone always says it looks shit and that I’ll never get laid with it, but now I have proof it’s not true.”
“Definitely not true. You’ve been getting fucked a lot.”
“Mmm, well, I can’t help it. Your dick is just too good. And I’ve never had a proper slut era, so I’m going to have one now. Only with your dick, though, ’cos I don’t fancy going to find another. Besides, someone else might be shit at sex and that would suck.”
“And someone else might not put up with your brattiness either,” I said with a low chuckle before kissing him, trying to ignore the storm of butterflies taking flight in my chest. They were getting worse, more of them appearing every time I was with Danny…
or messaged Danny… or thought about Danny…
Fuck, they seemed to double in number every day no matter what I did.
I didn’t want these feelings, not because I didn’t like Danny but because I wasn’t ready for them. And every time I’d experienced them, I always got hurt.
Danny wasn’t anything like Reed—at least, he didn’t seem to be. But the emotions and the butterflies were the same I’d felt during the early days with Reed, and now all I could think about was how that had ended.
The logical part of my brain told me there was no way to know if things would end the same. That there were millions of different paths this thing with Danny could take, and we both had choices in how it played out. Nothing was fixed. Nothing was certain.
But that still didn’t stop fear from creeping in around the edges and whispering that no matter what happened, I was always going to be alone. That I was too selfish and self-absorbed to find someone who’d put up with me.
“You okay?” Danny asked, standing up slightly and turning in my arms to face me, wrapping his arms around my waist.
“Yeah, sorry. Just thinking.”
“Wanna talk about it?”
“It’s only shit with Reed. No matter what I do, he’s always stuck in my head.”
I was surprised I’d said that, and that must have shown on my face because Danny frowned and made a sympathetic sound I’d never heard before. “I’m sorry, that’s bollocks.”
“Yeah, it is.”
“You two were together for a long time, though, right?” he asked as the oven beeped, and he stepped away to finish getting our dinner ready to go in, rummaging in the bag I’d brought to pull out the mozzarella to shred over the top in huge chunks.
“Ten years.”
“That’s shitty, but I dunno, maybe not surprising?
Like, even if you wanted to snap your fingers and erase those memories, you’d probably end up losing huge chunks of your life too.
I think, when you’re with someone for that long, you end up being a big part of each other and that’s not something you can easily forget.
That’s traumatic shit! And it probably makes it worse because you thought it was forever, and then he cheated, so all those nice memories you had of him, that whole part of your life, gets tainted.
Like, it’s all poisoned now, and the shit part is you either have to make peace with it in some way or let it fester and get worse. ”
He said it so casually, as if he hadn’t managed to completely nail down my feelings in less than two minutes. He hadn’t even been looking at me either. It had been an offhanded train of thought made while putting our dinner on.
It threw me for a second, and I stared into space as I tried to process everything he’d said.
I couldn’t find any words; everything was all too jumbled. But as Danny stood up and closed the oven door, I put my arms out and pulled him into a crushing hug, burying my face in his neck and taking a deep breath. “Thank you.”
“It’s okay,” he said as he squeezed me tightly. “This shit sucks, but I’m always around if you wanna talk about it.”
“You shouldn’t have to listen to my shit, though.”
“Why not? Do you have anyone else to listen to you?”
“I have Shane and Eric,” I said, still talking into his shoulder.
“And they’ve listened to me a lot. They’re probably fucking sick of me at this point.
Also, Shane hates Reed—justifiably, since he was the one I called when everything went down—so sometimes I think he might be too close to it.
I don’t know. It’s a shitshow at this point. ”
I stood up and sighed, running my hand through my hair. Danny was looking at me with that cute, inquisitive puppy face, the same one he wore when he wanted to ask questions but was trying not to. “You can ask.”
“I dunno if I’ve actually got anything to ask,” he said.
“But my offer still stands. You can vent to me. And then we can have sex afterwards. That’ll make you feel better.
” I snorted and Danny’s expression transformed into that beautiful, bratty incredulity.
“What? It’s a great plan! Sex with me makes everything better. ”
“You know, for someone who actively tried to throw yourself under the bus by telling me how shit you were in bed so I’d pity fuck you, your confidence is astounding.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“No,” I said, lifting my head so I could meet his gaze. “No, it’s really not. I’m proud of you. And I love that you’re feeling good and enjoying yourself.”
“Mmm, with you, it’s difficult not to.” He ran his hand over my chest and tugged the front of my shirt, pulling me in for a hungry kiss.
“You get me so hard, Ezra. Every time I think about you I’m instantly horny.
Do you know how difficult that is to deal with?
Like in the middle of training I suddenly think about you and boom, instant boner! It’s like I’m sixteen all over again.”
“Poor puppy,” I said, nipping his lip before kissing him. “Are you suffering?”
“Yes!”
“We could get you a cock cage? Help you control yourself.”
“Absolutely the fuck not. You can fuck off with that idea.”
“I suppose you have a better one?”
“Yeah, you fuck me every single day. Toys, your mouth, your dick, your fingers—I’m not picky! I just want you to make me come.”
“I’ll think about it,” I said, my mind already whirring with ideas of how Danny could get himself off for me every morning. And we could make his fantasy of being filmed come true too.
He kissed me again, his touch heated and full of desire. “Have you decided yet?” he asked as he pulled away.
“No.”
“Aw, what? You’ve had loads of time.”
“And I’ll take longer if you keep asking,” I said, tapping his nose teasingly. “Behave, puppy.”
“Woof,” he said with a grin as he dragged me in for another kiss. “Also, er, you should know, I, er, kind of came out to Charlie. Not like fully or like told him about you, but yeah, I kinda said I was doing some exploring, that I thought I might be gay.”
“What did he say?” I asked, holding my breath and wondering if I was going to have to pick up the pieces of his heart like he’d done mine. “Is everything okay between you?
“Yeah, it was a couple of weeks ago actually. When I went for that really awkward dinner at his. He, er, said he was proud of me. That he wants me to be happy, that he’ll love me no matter what. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.”
“You don’t need to apologise. That’s good though, that he reacted so well. How do you feel about it?” I wasn’t upset he hadn’t mentioned it. This was Danny’s journey, and it was completely up to him who he told and when. I was just happy to be a part of it.
“Not sure. Relieved, maybe? But also, like, not totally convinced I didn’t make it up. And telling Charlie is different from telling the team.”
“It’s still a good step, and I’m proud of you too.” I kissed his nose and watched as he wrinkled his face in confusion. “You don’t have to tell anyone you don’t want, okay? And there’s no rush to label anything. I’m not going to force you to say anything. You can still have your slut era with me.”
“Every day?”
“If you’re good.”
He grinned. “See, I’m already wearing you down. You’re gonna say yes to me. I told you I’d get what I wanted.”
“At this rate, all you’re going to get is a smacked butt.”
“Not sure that’s a punishment, though,” he said, stealing a kiss before turning away to start getting bowls out.
My heart ached as I watched him, the butterflies in my chest swirling faster than ever. I was so proud of him and so in awe of the man he was starting to become in front of me.
He was bratty and handsome and radiated joy in a way I’d never seen before. How could I not be charmed by that?
Danny had bounced into my heart and made himself at home without me even realising, and I wanted to give him everything because how could I not?
But I was a broken man with a shattered heart that was barely beginning to heal. What could I give him beyond praise and good sex? That was all I had to offer.
And I doubted that was enough.
Nothing ever would be.
Because, in my experience, nothing ever was.