Chapter Twenty-Five
Ezra
“Danny! Wait!” My yells were pointless as he slipped through my fingers and made for the front door with a burst of speed I’d previously only seen on the pitch.
My blood pounded in my ears, my mind spinning as it tried to catch up with everything that was happening. Should I go after him? Yeah, shit, I should do that. But I didn’t have my keys; they were in my office along with the rest of my stuff. I’d need to get them first.
And find somewhere to put down the cup of coffee I was still holding.
I had no idea what the fuck I was meant to say to Danny, but I’d have to think of something. Maybe I’d start with an apology for putting him in that situation, and then we could go from there. But the cat was out of the bag now, and I didn’t think there was any way to put it back.
Unless West decided not to tell anyone…
The poor guy was still stood there, completely bewildered, as he looked between me and the door. “I’m sorry,” he said, running his hand through his damp hair. “I didn’t mean to do that.”
“It’s fine,” I said, although I wasn’t sure I meant it. I knew I couldn’t blame West for this situation, Danny freaking out had nothing to do with him personally, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t angry. Frustration swelled in my chest, anger crackling through my bones, ready to be unleashed.
I hated that anyone had ever made Danny feel lesser, hated that people had made him doubt, hated that his father had made him afraid of being who he was. Nobody should ever be made to feel that way. Being gay didn’t make Danny less of a man or less of a person or less of a rugby player.
He was fucking perfect, to me anyway, and if anyone said different, then I couldn’t be held responsible for my actions.
“It’s not,” West said. He looked sad, like there was a heavy weight suddenly resting on his shoulders.
I didn’t know anything about him beyond our brief interactions and what Clive had told me, but there was a sorrowful air of understanding to his expression and slumped figure, and I wondered if West’s experience was more like Danny’s than he knew.
He turned and looked at me, studying me for a second. “He’s afraid, isn’t he? Not just about us finding out but all of this.”
I nodded. It seemed obvious to me, but I understood why West might want clarity. “Yes. He thinks he might be one too many.” The words made my stomach turn as it recoiled at the idea of talking about Danny behind his back. But West needed to know.
“Why would he think that?”
“I don’t know. You’d have to ask him.”
He nodded, still looking at me appraisingly.
It felt like I was being sized up by a large dog who hadn’t decided whether they were going to growl at me or not.
“I’m going to find him,” West said firmly, his cold blue eyes boring into my soul.
“If he means anything to you, I’d suggest you get your stuff and meet me at his flat. ”
“How do you know he’ll be there?”
West’s enormous shoulders gave a half shrug. “I just do. At least, I think I do.”
“Okay,” I said. I didn’t know if I could trust him, but something in his gaze and the way he held himself suggested I had no other option.
And if I was right about his experiences, maybe he was the person Danny needed to hear from. After all, if he was worried the team wouldn’t accept him, then who better to talk to him? It wasn’t like I had anything to add.
“What are you going to say?” I added.
West smiled. “I’m going to tell him the truth. That queer or not, he’s still our winger and we’ll still love him. Bad haircut, terrible moustache, bratty mouth, and all. Nothing’s gonna change.”
“Thank you.”
“No worries,” he said. “It’s what I’d have wanted someone to tell me.”
I nodded slowly, hating that my suspicions had been confirmed. “I’ll catch up,” I added, gesturing at the stairs.
“Sounds good,” West said as he pulled a set of keys out of his pocket and headed towards the door.
Anxiety pooled in my stomach, my feet almost frozen to the floor as indecision pulled at me. I knew what I had to do, and in principle it was simple: get my keys, dump my shitty coffee, get in my car, and go and find my man. But would that really be the best thing for Danny?
He was young and beautiful and full of joy—he deserved so much more than I could give him. Yes, it would hurt if I pulled away but maybe that would be for the best. He’d be able to come out and find someone better, a man who had more to offer than sarcasm, sex, and scathing opinions on vodka.
It would hurt watching him fall in love with another man, but what was one more hurt? I could bear the pain. After all, it couldn’t be any worse than anything else I’d endured.
I shook my head and bent down to pick up Danny’s bag, which he’d left sitting on the floor, then turned and trudged up the stairs, glad nobody else was around to see me spiralling.
When I reached my office, I realised I’d left my phone on my desk, and when I tapped the screen, I saw a message from Shane. Something about him being bored at work and searching for new cabinets.
I put Danny’s bag on the floor, set my coffee on the desk, and unlocked the screen, meaning to dismiss the message. But instead, I opened it and hit the call button at the top, the last cry of a desperate part of my brain that was willing me not to give up.
“Hey,” Shane said as soon as I’d registered what I’d done. Fuck, I couldn’t hang up now because that would cause alarm. I’d have to make an excuse instead. “E? Are you there?”
“I fucked up, Shane. I fucked up massively and I don’t know what to do,” I said, flopping into my desk chair and spinning slowly.
So much for making excuses and ending the call.
But fuck it, if there was anyone who could help me, it was Shane.
He’d already picked up the pieces of my life once before, and he knew me better than I knew myself.
He was one of the only people I trusted.
But I couldn’t ask the other person because he was the one I needed advice about.
“It’s okay. Whatever happened, we can fix it, I’m sure. Unless you went back to Reed, then I’m not helping you. Shit, babe, please don’t tell me that’s what happened.”
“It’s not. It’s, er, fuck.” I sighed and ran my hand through my hair, bouncing my feet on the floor as I tried to get my words together.
“Take your time, but remember I can’t help you unless you tell me the problem.”
“I met someone. A player,” I said, waiting for Shane’s hiss of excitement or delighted cry of I knew it, but all I got was a hum for me to continue.
“It started a couple of months ago, just before preseason. That weekend you and Eric came down to see me, actually. He, er, he wanted someone to explore with and I, fuck, I gave in. I tried not to, but fuck, he’s gorgeous.
Funny too. And bratty. He shines, Shane.
It’s fucking electric. And we’ve been hooking up, spending some time together, all that shit, but he’s not out.
And his teammate just found out, so he’s freaking out and I’m…
I know I should go and talk to him, but I…
fuck, I’m terrified. I’m getting all these feelings for him, and I shouldn’t.
He’s twenty-four, Shane! He doesn’t need someone like me! ”
“Like what? Why doesn’t he need you?” Shane asked, his voice cool and unimpressed.
“Because I’m not good for him! I’m too old and too fucked up. I don’t have anything to give him, and Danny… he deserves more than that. He deserves the fucking world.”
“Okay, and what about what he wants?”
“He doesn’t know.”
“Doesn’t he? Because if he’s old enough to have a professional rugby career, and old enough to make the choice to fuck you, multiple times, then he knows what he wants. And you don’t get to make that decision for him.”
“But—”
“No, no buts,” Shane said. “I’m sorry, babe, and I love you, but I am fresh out of fucks for your woe is me attitude! If this man is the reason you’ve been happier recently—which he must be because nothing else makes sense—then I’m not letting you ruin this by being a stubborn twat.”
I stared at the wall, not sure how to respond.
I’d been hoping he’d do something, but I hadn’t been expecting this.
Although, given how much I’d relied on Shane in the past, was it any wonder he was out of fucks?
Especially when it seemed like I was determined to deliberately fuck up the one thing in my life that had been going well. “I… I mean…”
“I swear, E, the next words out of your mouth better not be an excuse.”
“What if I hurt him, Shane? What if I’m not enough?
” I asked. “I told myself this was going to be casual, blow off some steam, show him what good sex was, and now… fuck, I have fucking butterflies! Whenever I’m around him, it’s like I can’t fucking breathe!
I didn’t want this. I told myself I wasn’t doing this again.
But apparently, I don’t get a say in how I feel. ”
Like it or not, my heart had made a decision about Danny without running it past the rest of me. Although I was pretty sure my dick had sponsored the decision, given how my libido had been behaving.
That was another thing I could add to my list of failures along with my marriage and my complete inability to keep Danny at arm’s length. If I’d listened to myself in the first place, turned Danny down, and not given in to my dick, I wouldn’t be in this mess.
I’d just be alone.
And miserable.
And Danny would have found someone else… which was a thought that made me angrier than it should have.
Not just because I couldn’t bear the thought of Danny being with another man, but because I knew nobody could look after him the way I could. No one else could give him what he needed, or see how fucking brightly he shone, or appreciate that adorable-as-fuck head tilt and puppy eyes.
It could only be me.
“It doesn’t work that way,” Shane said softly. “It might have started out casually, and I mean, I can see why you got involved because he sounds exactly like your weakness. But the mullet, seriously? He looks good in shorts, though. And he’s got a sweet face, very puppy-like.”
“Are you stalking him?”
“Oh please, there’s only one Danny on the Knights. He wasn’t hard to find.”
“I should never have told you.”
“Maybe, but nobody else is going to tell you the truth.”
“And what’s that?”
“That you like him, and that you’re terrified it’s going to end badly like things did with Reed, so you’ve decided to make the decision for Danny.
That way you can both be miserable but at least you might save yourself from even more pain in the future.
You’re cutting off your nose to spite your face because you think it’s best, not because it actually is.
And you’re letting your dickhead of an ex-husband live rent free in your head instead of throwing him out like the cockroach he is.
Don’t let him dictate the rest of your life, babe. You’re better than that.”
“I know,” I said. Shane’s words weren’t anything I hadn’t already thought, but it felt different hearing them from him rather than my own mind. And somewhere deep in my chest, a flame of stubbornness caught light.
“Look, I know you’re scared, and you have every reason to be, but you’re only thirty-eight, babe.
You can’t spend the rest of your life being lonely and miserable because you might get hurt again.
Life hurts, but that doesn’t mean you should stop living it.
And maybe things won’t work out between you, but you won’t know unless you fucking try!
So try, E. Because you deserve to be happy.
And if you’ve found someone that makes life worth living again, then it’s worth putting yourself out there. ”
There was an earnestness to his words, and a painful truth too.
Shane was right. I owed it to Danny to let him make his own decision about us and I owed it to myself to live the life I wanted. My relationship with Reed would always be a part of my past, but it didn’t have to define my future.
My heart might be broken and chipped and missing bits, but that didn’t mean I didn’t deserve to be loved.
If Danny wanted me, then I’d give him everything I had and more.
Because he was the one who’d pieced me back together again.