Chapter 19 #2
I turned away from him and stared out at the roiling sea. I shouldn’t be here. I should be walking away. If Viktor could see me now, speaking to an Avari—to Kage Tanaka, of all people—he’d kill me. Kill us both. But I didn’t walk away. I stayed.
Kage was quiet for a minute. Then, “I’m not pretending. I’m not gloating.”
“Then, you’re lying.” The wind tugged at my hair again. I’d had enough. I reached my hands up, pulling out the pins that held my braid and letting it fall behind my back. “Or worse—you’re pitying me.”
“Would that be worse? To know someone cared enough to have pity?”
“I’m not worth your pity.” The words were out before I could stop them.
He shook his head slowly, jaw tightening. “You’re being hurt by someone older, stronger, and far more powerful than you. No one’s stopping him. No one’s even trying, not even your family. Do they know, Regan? Have you told your father?”
I took a gulping breath, trying to hold back the sobs that threatened.
I lifted my chin. “Of course not. There’d be no point.
Father arranged the match, and it’s a fine one.
” I paused. “Besides, my little brother … Persis is being held somewhere as leverage against my family. He’s only eight.
He’s basically a captive.” I swallowed, thinking of what had happened to Blake’s little sister, Aenia.
She’d always been … different. But she’d been family.
I’d watched her grow. She and Persis had played together; they’d been friends.
I’d thought one day they’d attend Bloodwing together. Only now … Aenia was gone.
That wasn’t happening to Persis. Not to my brother.
“Why would Viktor take Persis when you’d already agreed to be his consort?”
I laughed. “Compliance. To ensure the honor of the Drakharrow house. Because he can do whatever he likes, Kage. He told my father this was once a highblood custom.”
“It was. But the children weren’t hostages, they were exchanged to forge bonds between families,” Kage said shortly.
“A scholar of history, are we?” I could hear the teasing tone in my voice. What was happening here?
He shrugged. “I like to read.”
“Anyhow, Amina—Professor Hassan, I mean—knew about Persis. She tried to help me. And you can see how that turned out.”
Kage stared. “Professor Hassan? Why would she do that?”
“She was my tutor when I was a child. She lived with my family for years. She was there when Persis was born. Even when she became a faculty member at Bloodwing, Amina would come back for visits. I made a mistake, told her what happened. She must have talked to Viktor, believed bringing him the new dragon rider would persuade him to let Persis go.” Why am I telling Kage this?
“Then, it’s Viktor’s fault she’s dead, isn’t it? She gave up Florence Shen in a futile attempt to placate him. But he doesn’t have to be doing any of this, Regan.” Kage sounded disgusted. “Viktor isn’t a leader. He’s a monster. And what he’s doing to you? It should matter to someone.”
I looked at him, not with thanks but with rage and shame. “You don’t understand anything,” I said, my voice cracking. “I let him do it. Don’t you understand that? I stand there. I don’t run. I don’t fight. I never do.”
Kage’s gaze didn’t waver.
“I let him break me.” Each word cracked my heart open like a stone. Telling him this, standing in the shadow of his judgment. “I go back each day, and I smile, and I play my part. I make it easy for him.”
“I’m sorry.” The words were gentle. Tender. Real. They gutted me.
“What?” I whispered. I stepped back from the edge to flee, and my foot slid on the icy ground. My balance was lost in an instant. I pitched sideways, already starting to fall to the rocks below.
In half a breath, Kage was there. His hands gripped my upper arms, strong and unyielding, his cloak swirling around us as he moved faster than I’d ever thought possible.
I was back on the cliff as if it had never happened.
I crashed against his chest, breathless, fingers curling into the front of his shirt, his heartbeat steady and strong under my palm.
Everything went very still. I could feel every point of contact between us.
My shoulder digging into his ribs. His gloved hands clasping me, holding me in place.
It was the second time he’d touched me—the first when we’d made a vow, mingled blood.
Something had changed in me that day. But had it changed from the moment his hand touched mine or from the moment I first saw him as the wolf?
An ache formed in my chest as I looked up and saw the concern etched into his face. It couldn’t be real. None of this was. I broke free, stepping back, carefully moving away from the cliff.
“So that’s what this is about,” I said bitterly. “You shouldn’t have done that.”
“Done what? Stopped you from falling?”
“Touched me,” I hissed.
His hands fell to his sides. “Forgive me.”
I was being ridiculous and unfair, but I didn’t care. “The Blood Vow. Is that it? You think I’ll break my word? That you have to earn my trust?”
Kage looked amused. “The Vow is unbreakable. I have no fears in that regard. If that were the case, I could have let you fall to your death just now.”
I flushed.
“No, that isn’t what this is about.”
“Then, what is this about?”
“For a girl who’s always seemed so confident, you seem to have a shocking disregard for your own selfworth lately.”
I took another step back, everything in me fighting to just lean into his warmth again.
“Why would you be sorry for me? Why?”
“Let’s call it a responsibility towards you.
” His voice was tight, as if he were finding it difficult to get the words out.
“One I feel more and more strongly by the day.” The words were dutiful and should have landed coldly.
Yet to me they were full of meaning. They were the words I’d been waiting for someone—anyone—to say.
My pulse stuttered. “That makes no sense. We’ve hardly spoken.” I gave a mirthless laugh. “Half the time, you’ve been a wolf.”
He didn’t laugh with me. Didn’t let me use humor as my shield. Instead, he took a step closer, closing the space between us I’d tried to create.
“I’ve done awful things,” I whispered, trying not to look into his eyes. “You shouldn’t even be talking to me. You know what I’ve done. I’ve hurt people. I’ve manipulated—”
“Stop,” Kage’s voice commanded. “It’s pointless.
None of that will work on me. I see you, Regan.
Not just what you show the world. I see it all.
What you hide. The strength it takes just to stand here, to survive the day.
You think I don’t see it? You think that’s a weakness? ” He shook his head. “You’re at war.”
I swallowed, unsure of where to look.
“You’ve done what you had to do to survive,” Kage said, his voice low and rough. “You know he’d kill you if you tried to stop him. That doesn’t make you weak. It makes you strong. Sometimes simply surviving is a rebellion.”
My breath caught. “I serve him. I do what he tells me to do. That’s not rebelling. The responsibility is mine. You say you know me? Then, look into my heart. It’s icy, empty. I’m just as cruel as he is.”
Kage’s eyes darkened. “No.”
“No?”
“He holds the blade. You’re the one who’s bleeding.”
I shook my head. “You can’t shield me. You can’t absolve me.”
“Maybe not.” The amusement was back in his eyes—but also something harder. Flintier. “But I won’t let him break you.”
Hope cracked my heart open, painful and terrifying. “I’m not a good person,” I whispered. “You don’t understand.”
For a long moment, he said nothing. Then, “You deserve to be protected. You deserve to be safe. If you were so terrible, you wouldn’t be standing out here in the cold, hating yourself for what you’ve become, hating everything about the life you lead.”
I looked up at him, heart thudding.
“You matter. More than he ever will. More than you think.”
The more he spoke, the more I was at risk of believing him.
Then the moment was broken. Something flickered across his face. “I’ll walk you back to the castle.”
Before I could respond, he’d stepped forward and taken my arm, his fingers closing around my elbow without asking. “It’s slippery,” he remarked, as if this were mere courtesy. As if his touch wasn’t burning through to my skin like a brand.
I could have pulled away, but I didn’t. We walked on in silence for a few paces, the sound of the waves slowly receding behind us.
“Well, Avari,” I said lightly, breaking the silence, “when can we expect the announcement of your own triad? I suppose your grandmother is shoving a line of pretty debutantes your way.” It was the worst possible choice of topic.
And yet something in me wanted to pull at the wound, rip it open, and pour in salt.
Wanted to try to hurt him before he could hurt me.
Still, I’d expected him to laugh, but he didn’t. Not even a twitch.
Instead, he shocked me by saying. “So you’ve heard, then.”
“Heard what?” He suddenly wouldn’t meet my eyes. My body clenched. “It’s Medra, isn’t it.”
“Medra?” His eyebrows shot up. “Medra Pendragon is a friend, an ally. Nothing more.” He shook his head. “No, I meant heard about the ball.”
I blinked in confusion. “The ball? What ball?”
He hesitated. I felt his fingers tighten. “A ball to announce my betrothal.” The words scraped out of him.
I froze, shock coiling in the pit of my stomach. “You’re … betrothed?”
“It was arranged only very recently.” He paused. “I’m sorry. I should have told you before.”
I latched onto that word. Arranged, not chosen.
I forced a laugh. “Why would you apologize? You don’t owe me a thing. So who is the lucky highblood?” I said, making my voice bright. “Anyone I know?”
He hesitated, then met my gaze—his eyes pleading with me to understand. “Florence Shen.”
I kept my face steady. “The new dragon rider. She’s bonded to Nyxaris. Of course, what an excellent match. Your grandmother must have selected her for you.”
He nodded slightly, the motion wooden. “She did.”
“Lady Avari is nothing if not pragmatic,” I said, trying to keep the bitterness from my voice. “What a lovely couple you’ll make.”
“Florence needs my protection.” His voice cracked on the last word, as if it hurt him to say.
I froze.
“The protection of my house,” Kage added, a moment too late.
“Of course she does,” I said coldly. “And I’m sure you take your responsibility towards her very seriously.
How sweet of you to provide your protection.
” I gave a hollow laugh—making sure to fill it with a hint of cruelty.
“And how wonderful for you, House Leader, to gain a dragon for your family’s honor.
Why, it seems you’re just as much a pawn as the rest of us. ”
Something in me was tearing apart like wet parchment, yet I bared my teeth in a smile anyway.
I couldn’t stop imagining it. Scenes flashing in my head.
Florence Shen in his arms. Her name on his lips.
His hands upon her naked body as she lay in his bed.
Would it be her first time when he entered her?
Would she cry out his name, grateful and adoring?
I closed my eyes, hating the visions, hating myself for caring at all. Then I yanked my arm free from his grasp, turning aside, needing to flee before the pain in my chest turned into something that showed on my face.
Kage’s hand shot out, catching my arm—more roughly this time. “Regan.”
I tried to wrench free, but he wouldn’t let go.
His fingers curled around my arm, not hard enough to hurt but enough that I was reminded of his strength.
Slowly, I looked up. What I saw there stole the air from my lungs.
Guilt, longing, and something close to panic mixed in his eyes.
The mask of composure was gone, and what was left was raw and helpless and inevitable all at once.
“Tell me you feel it, too,” he demanded. “This pull between us.”
The wind howled around us. I refused to answer.
Kage’s eyes narrowed, sharpening with pain. “When a wolf finds his true mate, he knows.”
It was the most unfair thing he could have said.
Every word was a knife twist—for the Bloodmaiden knew how desperately I wanted to believe it.
How much I wanted his certainty to cover me like a shield.
How much I wanted to accept his strength, his heat, his absolution.
But he wasn’t offering any of those things, was he?
Not truly. He was Florence Shen’s shield now.
And I was still standing in the dark, cold and alone.
I tore myself free of his grasp, the absence of his touch more bitter than any winter wind, hope shattering like smashed ice. Then I held his eyes for the span of one long breath before saying, in a voice flat and cutting, “It’s a good thing I’m no wolf, then.”
I turned on my heel and walked away—back to the castle, to the prison of my own creation.