Chapter 28 Elijah
Elijah
I feel sick.
Looking at his glossy eyes, I know something’s not right. I can feel it in the base of my spine. Something’s wrong and for some reason, he hasn’t felt like he could tell me.
What hasn’t he told me?
He looks away from me.
I turn his face towards me so he can’t avoid this. He can’t avoid me.
“Talk to me.” I feel a pain surge through my chest. “It’s me. Whatever it is, I’ll be there for you.” I say softly, basically pleading at this point.
“I…I’m so scared how you’re going to take it.” He breathes, his voice shaky and weak.
My heart drops into my stomach. So there is something.
“But yet Gabe knows? What could you tell him that you couldn’t tell me—”
Tobias shakes his head, running his hand through his hair aggressively. “I only told him because he was there.”
Pain and guilt hit me at once. My chest aches when hearing those words.
“Don’t you dare do that.” I clench my jaw. “I wanted to stay, remember?” He looks away, but I move into his line of sight again. “I wanted to stay and you begged me to go. You remember that?”
“It was for the best.” Tobias says softly.
“So why bring it up now? Why are you using that as ammo to shut me out? What’d I do to deserve that, huh?” I curl my hands around his jacket, fisting it so hard, I’m scared I’m going to rip through it.
He swallows deeply, looking like he may cry. Well, fuck. I might too.
“I…” His mouth opens and closes, panic written all over his face. It hurts me to see him like this, but I need to know. I wait silently as he forms the courage to say what he needs to say.
“Say it.” I plead. “Please.” I whisper.
He pinches his eyes shut. “I lied to you. About Derrick,” he says quietly.
I’m completely speechless as I try to piece it together.
“What did you lie about?” My hands shakily let go of his coat.
“I saw him. A few months ago when I told you I didn’t.
I lied.” Tobias sucks in a big breath, as though it’s physically been weighing on his chest. “I was scared. Scared he wouldn’t leave us alone.
Scared he’d hurt you. Hurt us.” He shakes his head like what’s coming next will be too hard to say. “I gave him money. And clothes.”
“Tobias,” I breathe out, because it’s the only thing I can say.
His eyebrows pinch together as he leans his forehead on my chest. “I know. I hated keeping it from you but…I didn’t want to put that on you. I wanted to deal with it on my own. I thought I could handle it—”
“And this is you handling it?” I look down at the water cup.
It’s all making sense. Tobias never fucking drinks.
He fists my shirt, trying to get close again, but I take a step back. “Elijah, I’m trying.” He cries.
“We lied to the cops, T. That’s so fucked up,” I say out loud.
A small murmur escapes Tobias’s lips as he pushes his hair out of his face. “Everything happened so quickly. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to get in trouble.”
“But instead of talking to me about it, you pretended like everything was perfectly fine. You kept me in the dark for what reason?”
Tobias shakes his head, his mouth opening and closing as his bloodshot eyes dart from left to right, struggling to think of an answer.
I blink slowly, taking that as much as an answer as I need. The pain of him seeking comfort in someone else is too much. And as much as I hate to admit it, that's the part that hurts the most.
“You know what? I think you wanted to keep it from me because you knew I’d be there for you.
” I say it before I can stop myself. But now that it’s out, I can’t stop it.
“You push people away because on some level, you like being alone. You enjoy feeling unsafe. It’s like you’re comfortable with it or something. You’re punishing yourself.”
“What? No—”
“I just never thought you’d push me away. I thought…what we have is stronger than all of that.”
Tobias sucks in a breath, quickly reaching out to touch my face. I hold his wrist, not allowing him to touch me. Which hurts me more than I ever thought it would.
“And you trusted Gabe. Out of all fucking people.” I huff out a laugh, even though none of this is funny. Not funny at all.
Tobias’s mouth drops open. “No, E. Trust me—”
“How?” My eyes search his face, desperate for something that makes sense.
“No, seriously—how? Because, I’ve always been open with you.
Yet, you still shut me out.” I shake my head, angry tears burning at the corners of my eyes, held back by sheer force.
“You did it in high school, and you’re doing it now.
You build this little box around yourself, and somehow I’m always the one stuck on the outside. ”
“I never wanted to hurt you,” he says, his voice barely over a whisper.
The sound of his cracked voice breaks my heart. More than it already is.
Tobias’s hand raises to his heart, and I see him grip his necklace. The chain that holds the ring that I gave him. The promise we shared last winter feels so small now.
I grab ahold of the necklace, toying it between my fingers. “You told me you’d never leave me worried or scared, T. You promised me.”
Tobias breathes out heavily, trying to regain himself by bracing his hands on either side of me against the door. “I do. I meant it.”
My eyes squeeze shut, letting the necklace go. “I think I better go.” I need some time to think about all of this. Think about why the hell he didn’t feel comfortable in telling me something as important as this.
His eyes widen in panic. “No, come on. You just got here. Stay with me.” He scrambles for my hands, but I pull away. I can’t think when he touches me—he clouds my mind with kisses and sweet touches, and I’m so oblivious, I let myself be distracted too easily.
Maybe I didn’t want to see.
I feel like a bad fucking boyfriend.
Maybe Katelyn was right about me.
And I’m pissed that he’s made me feel that way.
“I’m going to go.” I push him away gently so I have some space.
“No. No, please.” He fights to come back, clawing at my arms as tears drop on his face. I have to look away or else I’ll cave and start crying too. “Don’t leave.” He drops to his knees but this allows me to get the door open.
“You told me you’d never leave me—” he cries.
It’s the last thing I hear before I close the door behind me.
I see a few people I don’t know in the hallway, averting their eyes.
My eyes connect with Claire who’s standing at the side, obviously saddened by whatever she just overheard even over the music playing downstairs.
I swallow deeply. “Can you…” I point my thumb back at the door and she immediately nods her head, brushing past me and into the room.
I hate walking away.
Running away.
But, he hurt me tonight. I think I deserve to take a beat.
***
I walk downstairs, getting shoved side to side by the party goers.
I feel like my chest has caved in. I hate leaving him up there. He’s so upset.
But damn, don’t I get to be upset too?
I pass a bunch of people in the living room, chatting and dancing. My eyes zone in on Gabe, standing in the corner with a solo cup in his hand and his other stuffed in his pocket.
I hate him. I don’t trust him and I wish Tobias never fucking hired him.
His eyes connect with mine from across the room. He moves as if he wants to say something, but I shake my head, walking the other way. No fucking way do I want to talk to him. I have nothing nice to say.
No, all I care about is Tobias. That’s the only person who fucking matters and I’m so pissed that he fucking lied to me.
I find the back door of the party, and walk out to the deck. Thankfully there’s no one else out here which is a God save.
He talks and talks about loving me, yet he keeps a giant secret like this from me? His dad called him back in August. Meaning, he lied to me for three fucking months.
Blowing out, a cloudy puff of cold air, I bounce from foot to foot. Taking a big breath in, I pray for my anxiety to calm down.
Oh, Tobias. What type of trouble has he got himself into?
I hear the back door slide open. A few people in costumes laugh and chat their way past me, down to the grass.
They have no idea what type of night I’m having.
Why am I even here?
Everything in me is telling me to hop in my car and leave. I look down at my keys, jiggling them in my hand.
Fuck, I hate Derrick. Such a goddamn nuisance. Always just a haunting shadow, making sure we don’t forget about him. My blood boils just thinking about what Tobias has had to go through since he was young. Dealing with this goddamn shit.
Alone.
Fuck. I hate the fact that he’s always alone.
I bury my head in my hands as my brain flickers images of Tobias. A young boy. Alone and scared, in his room. Tortured by that fucking monster.
He didn’t deserve it then. He doesn’t deserve it now.
I stand up straight, fixing myself.
No, he’s not alone. I promised him he’ll never have to go through this alone and I meant it.
Okay, so he didn’t tell me, but maybe it was a defense mechanism. Maybe he told Gabe because…okay, I don’t know why he told Gabe, but I’m choosing to ignore that fact right now.
Right now, Tobias needs me.
I put my own grievances aside and walk back into the house. Making a beeline for the kitchen, I set out on creating a spread.
Quickly warming up a few slices of pepperoni pizza in the microwave, I place some cool ranch chips on a plate, and grab a cup full of water.
Once I sober him up, I’ll get him to talk to me. We’ll make up and everything will be fine. I’ll show him he can trust me. I’ll show him I’ll always be here.
I carefully guide myself through the bodies of people, pushing through until I get back to Claire’s door. I left her in here with him to hopefully soothe him down, so I hope he’s feeling better.
Placing the cup in my mouth, I twist the door handle and make my way inside.
Until I see the one thing that stops me right in my tracks.
I grab the cup from my mouth and take a step back.
At some point, while I was downstairs, I guess Gabe thought it was a smart idea to come upstairs to comfort Tobias.
His grubby little hand rubs his back as Tobias is hunched over, head in his hands.
Gabe’s the first to look up at me, confusion on his face like he has the right to be confused right now.
“Elijah—” Gabe starts.
Tobias whips his head up, his eyes puffy and red. Black eye makeup smears down his cheeks, making my stomach twist. “Elijah?” he exclaims, shifting toward me.
I shake my head, stepping further back.
“Elijah, wait!” Tobias gasps, getting up.
I don’t give him the chance. He can stay with his new comfort zone. I guess I was so fucking stupid to believe it’d be me.
After everything we’ve shared, I guess it wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t good enough.
Just like it was back in high school. He’s always picking someone else over me.
Fuck this. Fuck him. Fuck everything.
“Elijah!” I hear his voice, much more distant now as I squeeze through people, making my way to the front door.
“Elijah! Hey!” Claire jumps in front of me, blocking my path before I can reach the door handle.
“Where were you!?” I hiss.
Her eyes widen. “I…was just coming downstairs to make a plate for him. I told him I’d be right back—”
I push the plate and drink into her arms. “Here you go. You can give that to him and his new guy.”
She looks down, confused. But I don’t have time to care to explain.
I need to get out of here.