Chapter 47 Tobias
Tobias
Two Weeks Later
“I can’t help but feel…like I killed him.” I run my finger over my thumb nail, paying close attention to the ridges. The way it feels beneath the pad of my finger is soothing.
“Can you name a few of those feelings?” Mrs. Baker asks, her voice slow and calm.
I blow out a big breath. How could I even put it into words? “It’s a mixture of things, it’s hard to pinpoint one, I guess.” I shrug.
“Why don’t you start with one.”
My eyebrows pinch as I rake my brain. “I guess I feel…relieved,” I answer, truthfully. “But…I also feel really horrible. Ashamed. Proud.” I shake my head, running my hand through my hair. “I don’t know.”
I hear Mrs. Baker take a breath in, closing the notebook sitting on her lap and setting it down with her pen on the side table beside her.
“Tobias, it’s natural to have conflicting feelings about Derrick’s death.
While he was a dark figure in your life, he also was a big part of it.
He made an impact on you whether that be negative or positive. ”
I curl my hands into a fist on my lap. I hate the fact that he made an impact on me at all.
Mrs. Baker continues, “I need you to understand, Tobias,” she says, leaning in. “You did not kill your father. He put himself on that ice. Every consequence was a result of his own doings.”
I nod my head, trying to soak in her words. “No, I know that. It’s just…” I motion to my head.
She nods, quickly understanding. “Those voices you hear in your head are the rhetoric that he planted there. He spent twenty years throwing phrases at you, it was inevitable that some of them would stick.”
I pinch my eyes shut. “It sucks…” I mutter. “It sounds like he’s right there beside me sometimes, telling me everything is my fault or that I’ve amounted to nothing. Even now…”
“And maybe you’ll hear those voices for a while.
Truthfully, it’s going to take some work to rewire what he’s done.
But, it’s not impossible. And you’re doing the right thing coming back in to see me.
” She gives me a soft smile, making me feel hopeful.
“We can work on it. Together. Does that sound good?”
Warmth spreads through my chest. I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear that.
A smile creeps on my face as I nod. “Yeah, that sounds good.”
Just then, I get a buzzing from my pocket. Right away, I take out my phone and peer at the message.
It’s a photo from Elijah, sitting in my truck out in the parking lot. He’s making a cross eyed face, with his tongue sticking out like a fool with a message on the bottom telling me he misses my face.
It makes me chuckle softly before I shut my phone screen. In a few minutes, I’ll get to run out there and see him again.
“How’s Elijah?” Mrs. Baker smiles, giving me that look she gives whenever she asks. Like she’s just dying to see us married with kids or something. She wouldn’t be the only one.
“Elijah’s perfect. He’s really been there for me through everything.” I run my hand over my mouth to try and mask my embarrassingly huge smile that appears whenever I think of him. It’s no use. “He’s really good for me.” I nod, a happy laugh breaking through my lips.
Mrs. Baker smiles. “I think you’re good for each other.” She adds. “Where are you spending the holidays?”
I shove my phone back in my pocket. “At the lake house…er—the boat house.” I correct.
Her eyebrows shoot up. “Oh? I thought it was in rough shape.”
I look down, playing with a loose thread on my jeans. “The fire was quick, but it was caught before it did much damage. Bastard had no idea our next-door neighbor is a fire chief.” I smirk. “Sorry for swearing.”
She waves me off with a chuckle. “It’s warranted. Go on.”
I smirk, continuing. “We’re going to spend the holidays in the boathouse. It’s what we would’ve done anyway.” I shrug.
She takes off her glasses, giving me a soft, warm grin. “It really does sound magical out there.”
“It is,” I say, nodding shyly.
We wrap up the session with a few more catch-up questions, and at the end, Mrs. Baker sends me on my way with some homework over the holidays.
I make my way down the steps of the therapy office, feeling accomplished.
It’s not like I’ll be healed in a day. Hell, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be healed from what Derrick has done to me.
But, working on being a better man for myself and for Elijah, that’s all I can really do.
I’ve just got to focus on each day as it comes.
I see the truck waiting in the empty parking lot. The setting sun reflects off the white snow on the ground, making everything sparkle. Thankfully, the truck is already warm as a restless Elijah sits in the passenger seat, beating his hands on his legs to the music he’s playing inside.
I tap on the glass, laughing as he startles, clutching his chest like I just scared the life out of him.
“You’ve got to stop doing that!” He laughs as I open the driver’s door and hop in. He’s playing one of my favorite songs by The Wallows which only makes me smile more. He’s always listening to the playlist I made him. It’s so cute.
“But it was so easy.” I chuckle, leaning over the console to give him a kiss.
Elijah hums against my lips, kissing me back. “Mmm, I’ll show you easy.”
“Thank you for being here…like always.” I rub my finger along his jawline, cupping him gently and keeping him close.
“Forever, baby.” He smiles, softly biting my lower lip before diving back in for more. I think kissing him may be my most favorite thing ever. I seriously can’t stop.
We sit there for a little while, just touching and kissing before we finally come up for air. I always feel like my emotions are all over the place after therapy. But, today is a little different.
I’m not sure what tomorrow will look like or if I’ll be feeling the same way a few days from now…but right here, right now, I feel okay.
“Let’s get this show on the road.” I squeeze Elijah’s thigh in one hand while I start reversing with the other.
Elijah bounces in the seat next to me, tapping the dashboard like a drum. “I’m excited. I’ve got a surprise for you—”
All of a sudden, a dark blue classic Chevy whips out from nowhere, blocking my way to reverse out of the parking spot.
“What the…” I mutter, trying and failing at seeing who it is in the rearview mirror.
“The fuck?” Elijah bites, already throwing his door open and jumping out.
I let out a long sigh. Elijah, my impulsive lover. Ah, well. If I’ve got to jump into a road rage argument to protect him, I’ll do it.
I get out, immediately shocked by what I see.
Standing at the back of my truck, It’s not a random angry driver at all.
Instead, it’s an out of breath Gabe with beat red eyes, and messy hair.
“What are you doing here?” Elijah’s voice is laced with anger. I can hear it and it makes my stomach turn. “I called you a million times and you never answered.”
Gabe’s eyes are glistening as he looks down, obviously ashamed. “I know. I’m…fuck, I’ve been sort of fucked up.” He runs his hand down his face. “I should’ve answered you—”
“You should’ve.” Elijah shakes his head. “Come on, T. Let’s go.” He turns around, walking back to the truck.
“Wait.” Gabe reaches out.
Elijah stops in his tracks, whipping back around to face him. “How’d you even find us here?”
He cringes his lips, clearly not wanting to answer that. “Claire told me you two would be here.” He scratches the back of his head. “Please, don’t be upset with her. You don’t even want to know what I had to promise her in order to get her to talk.”
“Why?” I finally ask.
Gabe’s eyes flicker over to mine and I feel a pang of guilt hit my chest. He doesn’t look like his happy go lucky self. He looks like he’s lost all his charm that I’ve come to know. With bags under his eyes and greasy hair, it looks like he hasn’t been doing well. Was this my fault?
“Shit…” he mutters under his breath. “I had a whole speech prepared but now that I’m here…” He coughs to clear his throat, awkwardly looking over at Elijah and back to me. Taking a step over in my direction, he fidgets with the sleeves of his black long sweater.
Where’s his coat? He must be cold.
“Tobias,” he sucks in a big breath. “I crossed a line when you trusted me. There’s no excuse for it. I’ve hated myself for it ever since that night.” His face is twisted like he’s mortified in himself. “I just need you…you both to know how sorry I am.” He looks to Elijah and then back at me.
I shift awkwardly on my feet. I know Elijah probably sees it differently than I do.
But I can’t help this nagging feeling that Gabe was only trying to help.
The fact is, I was having a really bad night.
I was spiraling, panicked, and maybe it wasn’t the “right” way to calm me down…
but I mean…it worked. When he kissed me, I came to.
I was confused, yeah, but at least I wasn’t hurting myself anymore.
It wasn’t perfect, and it might not have been textbook, but I don’t think his intentions were cruel.
I’ve felt what it feels like when someone…takes something from you that you didn’t freely give. It feels wrong and sick and…this didn’t feel like that.
I look down at the ground as he focuses his attention on Elijah.
“Elijah, I know you don’t know me very well and that was an incredibly bad impression…
but, Tobias turned into a really good friend of mine…
and it’s something I really value. I know you may never forgive me for doing what I did…
and you don’t have to.” He swallows deeply. “I just…I owed you an apology.”
I glance at Elijah—his jaw is clenched so tight it could cut glass, arms folded across his chest, boot tapping impatiently against the snow.
I’ve had that look thrown at me before and I can’t say I miss it at all.
“I’m not sure if I can forgive you. He’s the love of my life…” Elijah grits out.
Gabe nods before hanging his head. “I know. I know and I am so sorry.”
I lick my lips, feeling uncomfortable. I need to speak up because I hate the fact Gabe’s beating himself. It’s not right.
“Gabe, I don’t think what you did was out of malice.” I shake my head.
Elijah looks at me, and I hope with everything inside of me that he understands what I’m about to say.
“I don’t make true friends that easily…and you’ve really been there for me.
A lot.” I bury my hands in my pockets. “Should you have kissed me? Definitely not.” I chuckle lightly.
“But…from what I can remember, I was freaking out pretty badly and you were just trying to calm me down.” I shrug.
“I’m not upset with you for trying to be there for me. ”
Gabe’s shoulders slacken as his lips part.
Biting my lip, I look back over at Elijah who’s looking at Gabe warily.
“That being said, Elijah is valid for feeling the way he does and his forgiveness will be completely up to him.”
Gabe nods his head looking over at him. “I completely understand.”
Elijah squints. “It’s going to take me some time to trust you. I mean…I don’t even know you and from what I do know, I don’t like.”
I cringe at that comment but I see Gabe nodding.
“I’m willing to do anything to earn your trust.”
The air feels strange after that — not heavy, just raw. Like we’ve all said something we needed to.
This peaks Elijah’s interest. I can see him arch an eyebrow as he thinks that over.
“Wait.. you’d do anything?”
“Honestly, anything.” Gabe huffs out a laugh. “I want to be in your lives. I like being your friend.” His eyes float back over to mine and I give him a sympathetic smile.
“Fine.” Elijah bites out. “We’re going to need help rebuilding the lake house this summer—”
“Done. I’ll be there.” Gabe excitedly bounces on his feet.
Elijah’s eyebrows shoot up. “I haven’t even explained what we’ll need you to do.”
Gabe shakes his head, he walks forward. “Doesn’t matter. Count me in.”
Elijah narrows his eyes. “It’s going to be a lot of work. I’m talking like every day.”
Gabe keeps nodding enthusiastically. “I’ve got a lot of contracting experience.” Suddenly, he stops mid-step, eyes widening as an idea hits him. “Wait—can I…bring a friend?”
I press my lips together in a straight line, knowing exactly who he just thought of.
“That depends. Is he going try and tongue-fuck my boyfriend?” Elijah tilts his head.
I smack my forehead with my palm as heat climbs my neck. This guy.
Gabe takes a moment, standing there, stunned. “Um…absolutely not.” He lifts out his hand.
Elijah looks down at his hand, taking a moment to judge this decision. But after a few seconds pass, he grips his hand, and they give each other a firm shake.
Hm, this will be interesting.
That familiar, gleeful smile returns to Gabe’s face. “Thank you. Thank you so much, both of you.” He walks backward toward his truck.
I give a wave as Elijah steps beside me.
“Don’t let me down, Gabe.” Elijah shouts out.
Gabe nods his head, and starts to drive off.
Elijah lays his head on my shoulder as we watch Gabe drive off into the distance.
Wrapping my arm around his back, I hug him close.
“That wasn’t a dumb decision, right? This isn’t just a plan to take you away from me?” Elijah sighs.
“Not in this lifetime, babe.” I smile before laying a soft kiss at his temple.
Elijah laughs, slapping my chest lightly. “In every lifetime.”
I take his hand, lifting it to my lips. “In every lifetime.” I repeat, laying a slow kiss on his palm as we lock eyes. “Now come on. We’ve got a Christmas to celebrate.”