Bonus The Christmas Party #2
“Everything really came together.” I hold up my hand, getting a high-five in return by Claire. Seriously, the place looks incredible. I’ve been here for Christmas before but this time, it seems like we’ve gone over and beyond.
“Oh yeah! We couldn’t have done it without you.” She takes a sip of her drink. “Honestly, you’ve really become a part of the family.” She smiles kindly, squeezing my shoulder.
My heart warms at that sentiment. I’m not sure if she knows how much it means to me to hear that. Not that she could ever assume I never had a real family.
But this…this is exactly what I’d imagine it’d be like. People who enjoy spending time together. Being around each other and supporting them when they need it.
My eyes flicker over to the closed office door. So cold and distant. It almost feels like no one is in there, which I know isn’t the case.
I hate to feel like he’s missing out on this. After all, this party is sort of for him and Elijah, isn’t it?
“You think he’s going to stay in there all night?” I tilt my head towards the office.
Claire follows my gaze and frowns. “Elijah’s not coming so…yeah, probably.” She sighs, heavily.
I shake my head. What a shame.
Tobias never told me what was going on between Elijah and him but I’d assume it had to be bad since he’s been so off lately.
When I first started, Tobias was so full of light. It seemed like he had everything figured out.
The past few months, it’s felt like that same light has been draining out slowly.
Whatever’s happening, it doesn’t seem good.
But maybe I could help. I want to help.
“I’ve got an idea.” I hop around the bar, and pick up a tall bottle of vodka. Picking up two glasses with one hand, and the bottle in the other, I raise my eyebrows to Claire.
She huffs out a laugh. “You can try but I’ll doubt it’ll work. Tobias is more of the ‘suffering alone’ type.”
“Suffering alone is for wimps,” I say striding over to his office. “And Tobias is no wimp." I wink, before opening the door.
As I step inside, I realize that he only has the desk lamp on. Typing away at his computer, his eyes only flicker over to me, as though I don’t matter at all.
“Hey,” I smile, kicking the door shut behind me. It’s eerily quiet in here, knowing what’s happening on the other side of the door. “You’re missing the party.”
“I’m busy.” He mutters, clicking away. “Need to finish the schedule.”
I sit down at the chair on the opposite side of his desk and set down the glasses.
“Thought maybe you could use a drink.” I smirk, opening up the bottle and pouring a couple glasses.
His eyes glance over at the clear liquid pouring out. Sitting back, looking exhausted as ever, he rubs his hands down his face, watching me finish.
“Thanks,” he mutters, stretching out his arm and grabbing his.
“Of course.” I smile, grabbing mine. “Sorry, I should’ve grabbed mix—”
Before I could finish my sentence, he downs his glass in one go. His eyes pinch as it undoubtedly burns down his throat. My eyes widen as he reaches back out, gesturing to me to pour another.
“Oh shit,” I cough out a laugh. “Slow down there, big guy. We’ve got all night.”
He flashes me a look before taking another long gulp. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and sits back in his seat, closing his eyes.
“Maybe I should’ve brought in some food.” I laugh nervously.
“Nah, I’m not hungry.” He waves me off.
I don’t know his food eating habits, but I realize now I haven’t seen Tobias eat…like, anything. Ever.
Since starting here, he’s dropped a considerable amount of weight, which hurts to see. He’s still got plenty of muscle, but his shirts hang off him more than they used to.
“Tobias…” I swallow down my nerves. “You okay, buddy?”
He chuckles softly, lifting his head back up. Suddenly, I see a sadness wash over his face. As though, he’s really thinking about that answer…and it’s not a good one. “I don’t fucking know anymore…” he says softly.
“Does this have to do with Elijah? I know he left in a hurry at the Halloween party…”
A low grunt leaves Tobias’s mouth as he slams his head down on the desk. Clasping his hands over his head like he can’t get away from the thoughts.
“Okay, I shouldn’t have brought him up. I’m sorry—”
“If I told you what was really going on, you wouldn’t believe me.” Tobias rushes out, pointing at me. “You’d think I was insane. Or recalling a movie or something. This couldn’t possibly be my fucking life.” He slams his hand on the desk, rattling everything around us.
“Shit. Okay.” I hold up my hands. “So, you’re stressed.”
His mouth drops open before another manic laugh comes out. “Stressed.” He runs his hands through his hair, pulling at the base. “I wish I was just fucking stressed.” He mutters.
My eyebrows pinch together. “Don’t take this the wrong way but…are you talking to a professional?”
He looks up at me, his chest rising and falling fast.
“I only ask because it seems like you’ve got a lot going on. And you’re only what? Twenty years old? You shouldn’t be feeling this way.” I shake my head.
This makes Tobias only laugh even harder, as he pushes himself away from the desk. “What does my age have to do with absolutely fucking anything? Life just fucks you anyway. Doesn’t matter if you’re ten, fifteen, or ninety-fucking-seven. It just fucks you.”
I suck in a breath. He never talks like this. It’s like he’s not even here right now.
He walks over to me, snatching the vodka bottle from the desk. I try to reach for it, but he’s too fast.
“Oh, you shouldn’t—”
Tobias twists off the cap and takes a big chug. “It’s funny, really. I wish I could say this was some sort of bad patch but seriously, mine hasn’t ended since the day I was born.” He sniffles.
I see now that the tears are coming.
Maybe he needs this. He needs to let it out and he needs someone to listen to him. We all do sometimes. I sit there in silence as he continues.
“Mom. Took her own life because one with me was clearly too horrible to live with. Dad—fucking demented. Abused me in every way all in the name of ‘making me more of a man’. Fucking insane. And Jude…Jude, almost hurts the most.” He lets out a bitter laugh.
“Life’s got a twisted sense of humor, huh?
Gives me one parent who actually gave a fuck about me—who would’ve done anything for me…
” His eyes glaze, looking past me at something I can’t see.
“Fucking cancer.” He sways slightly, swallowing hard.
“Because it doesn’t matter how amazing of a person you are either… life just fucks you.”
My heart burns. I swallow deeply, looking away. I didn’t know that.
“Tobias—” I breathe.
“And Elijah.” He points to me, cutting me off. He lets out a sharp laugh, before taking another swig of the alcohol.
“Okay, I think that’s enough of that.” I get up from the chair, trying to go for the bottle again but once again, he curves me. I stumble.
“Elijah. The person who said he loves me unconditionally…” He pouts, shaking his finger. “No conditions. Only love.” He points the nozzle in my face. “Left me. Fucking, left.” He huffs a laugh, ironic and hollow.
"You're so strong, Tobias. You're so resilient—" he mocks, twisting everyone's words. "Yeah, well, I never had a choice!" He yells out. "I never…" He stares down at the bottle in his hand, gripping it tight. "I never…had a choice," he repeats, barely over a whisper.
Tipping his head back, he downs another huge swig of the alcohol.
“Oh shit!” I scramble to grab it, but before I do, a loud crash echoes through the office. I cover my ears a little too late as the sound pierces my eardrums. I gasp. Opening my eyes, I realize by the wetness all over the floor that he threw the bottle against the wall.
A wicked smile spreads on his face as he stares down at the mess. “Don’t you see? Nothing matters. None of it matters, because life fucks it up anyway.” He runs over to the desk, throwing anything and everything on the ground.
“Tobias. Stop!” I grab at his hands, but he’s still too strong for me.
Where’s Wyatt when I need him?
“Why? None of this matters.” He cries out, knocking everything off the walls. Ripping the books off the bookshelf. Basically, destroying this office.
I lunge at him as best as I can, knocking him into the wall. “Get the hell off of me!” He bats at my back, but I withstand the pain.
“Stop!” I shout.
At some point, his sad cries of “it doesn’t matter” start morphing into “I don’t matter” and I quickly realize that he’s not fighting a war with life, he’s fighting a war within himself. As I try to grab at his arms, he tries to knee me in the side, but I step into him, blocking his ability to.
“You fucking matter. You hear me!?” I call out. As I pin him there, I’m shocked to see how much he resembles a young Wyatt. Those big blue eyes pierces my heart and I struggle to keep down my own tears.
“No!” He cries, pushing off of me.
Shit, he slips through my hold.
At the last second, I pin him against the wall, grabbing at the collar of his sweater.
“I’m really fucking sorry that happened to you.” I rush out. “I…I should know. Life fucked me too.”
Tobias closes his eyes, tears staining his cheeks.
“But...things can get better. You’ve got to believe it’ll get better.” I stress. “What about Elijah? He’s a good thing, isn’t he?”
This doesn’t seem to help. Tobias shudders, his breaths coming in short, ragged sobs.
“I’m alone. I’m all fucking alone.” He cries, knocking his head back into the wall.
I swallow deeply, as the words he’s saying makes me forget who I’m subduing. He no longer looks like Tobias Voss, but more like a different blonde boy that I used to know. One that also doesn’t think he’s good enough. When there’s no one better.
“Stupid. So fucking stupid.” Tobias cries. Suddenly, he starts hitting his head with his hand.
“Everything’s too loud.” Oh no. He keeps going. These aren’t light slaps. They’re hard, desperate punches.
I need him to stop before he seriously hurts himself.
I think fast to what always helped us when we were younger. My little Scaredy Cat.
Pinning him tightly, I push my lips against his.