Chapter 19
Panic, Pizza, and Pep Talks
Alyssa
This was not what Alyssa expected to happen when she drove over to Evelyn’s. Actually, she surprised herself by going there in the first place. Who seeks out someone else after a date? A successful date at that!
Josh was a lovely guy. He brought flowers after volunteering to drive over to Alyssa’s place to pick her up, which would have definitely been out of the way for him.
The restaurant was pleasant, and Josh was a proper gentleman.
Not in the mansplaining, patronising way.
He didn’t order for her or anything. He was charming, but not slimy.
Attentive, but not over the top. He listened and took an interest.
So why had Alyssa wanted to see Evelyn? Why hadn’t she invited Josh back to her place? That was her usual behaviour. A one-night stand, or a casual hook-up arrangement. Something that Josh seemed okay with. Alyssa made sure he knew from the beginning that she didn’t do serious.
Yet here she was. Sitting on Evelyn’s expensive couch being kissed into oblivion. This was a head-swimming, stomach-flipping, world-tilting kiss. The heat between them built rapidly, and Alyssa knew she was dangerously close to taking Evelyn right here on the couch.
But that wasn’t how this was supposed to happen.
Alyssa had fantasised about sleeping with Evelyn—she wasn’t a nun, and Evelyn was completely gorgeous.
But in all those fantasies, they’d take their time.
They’d do exquisite things together in a bed.
For hours. Having a frantic quickie on the couch with Bug snoring three feet away was not the way their first time should go.
Reluctantly, and with an impressive amount of willpower she didn’t know she possessed, Alyssa pulled back. They were both breathing hard, lips swollen, a testament to how close they’d been to ripping each other’s clothes off.
“Wow,” Alyssa gasped. It wasn’t the most eloquent response, but her brain had turned to mush.
“Yeah,” Evelyn breathed, her voice rough.
Alyssa grinned at the dazed, goofy smile on Evelyn’s face. God, she was beautiful. “As much as I would love to continue this, I think I should go.”
“Oh.” Evelyn’s face fell, and Alyssa’s heart clenched.
She grabbed Evelyn’s hand, threading their fingers together. “I want to go on that date with you, Evie. I want to do this properly. You deserve that.”
Understanding dawned in Evelyn’s eyes, and her smile returned, softer this time. “I want that, too.”
“So I’m going to go. For now.” Alyssa stood, pulling Evelyn up with her. “But how about I come by in the morning for breakfast?”
Was that too forward? She had a mountain of things to do tomorrow, but the thought of waiting more than a few hours to see Evelyn again felt impossible.
“That would be perfect,” Evelyn said, her smile widening. “I’ll send you the door code. Just let yourself in.”
With that, Alyssa made a hasty exit. Her willpower was crumbling with every second she spent in Evelyn’s presence.
The little devil that sat on her shoulder admonished her for passing up the opportunity to know Evelyn in a carnal way.
But she wouldn’t give into lust, not when this—whatever this was—felt monumental.
She was falling for Evelyn Crawford. Properly, terrifyingly falling. And that changed everything.
The other part of her also knew she needed to think about Josh. Nothing had happened between them physically. Well, a kiss on the cheek as they parted ways, but that was enough to set Alyssa’s stomach rolling with guilt. Leading people on was not her thing—she detested it.
When Josh had finally bucked up the courage to ask her out, Alyssa had been on the verge of declining. Her feelings for Evelyn were already surpassing anything she’d felt before, consuming her thoughts in a way that should have thrilled her.
Instead, it terrified her.
So she’d said yes to Josh. Not because she wanted to, but because panic had seized her by the throat and wouldn’t let go.
What if she let herself fall completely for Evelyn and lost herself in the process?
What if she got so enamoured that Four Paws—her life’s work, her purpose—fell by the wayside?
She’d built the sanctuary from nothing, had poured every ounce of herself into it.
What if loving Evelyn meant neglecting the dogs who depended on her?
And what if Evelyn didn’t want anything substantial anyway?
They were both busy women. Evelyn was constantly stressed, constantly tired, constantly carrying the weight of Crawford’s on her shoulders.
Wouldn’t a relationship with Alyssa just add to that burden?
What if Evelyn realized Alyssa was too much—too intense, too needy, too inexperienced at this whole “real feelings” thing?
Then there was Lil. Her best friend, her business partner, the person who’d been by her side through everything.
What would Lil think if Alyssa suddenly started devoting time away from the shelter?
Would she feel abandoned? Betrayed? Would their friendship survive Alyssa choosing someone else for once?
Basically, her mind had gone on a grand tour of Catastrophizing Central, population: one panicking pansexual.
And in that spiral of terror and self-sabotage, she’d ended up sitting across from Josh in a restaurant, feeling absolutely nothing except the crushing certainty that she’d made a terrible mistake.
Because the only person she wanted to be having dinner with was Evelyn.
The shrill noise of Alyssa’s phone filled her car as she travelled home.
“Hey, Lil.”
“Where you at? Did you go home with Josh?”
“No, I didn’t,” Alyssa tutted. It’s not like she just fell into bed with everyone. Well, mostly not. Okay, occasionally she did. Rolling her eyes, she returned her concentration to the road.
“Where are you then? Because I’m outside your house and you ain’t in it!”
“I’ll be five minutes, okay? Let yourself in and pop the kettle on. I could do with a chat.”
“Oh, sounds juicy. I’ll stick a pizza in, too.”
“I already ate.”
“Good for you. I haven’t.”
Laughing, Alyssa signed off the call. Maybe talking her dilemma out with Lil was the best thing. Her brain certainly wasn’t capable of sorting itself out, that’s for sure.
“Cuppa’s on the side,” Lil called from the bathroom.
Alyssa dumped her bag on the floor, kicked off her shoes, and slunk to the kitchen to retrieve her much needed tea.
“Hey there, lady.” Lil parked herself on the chair next to Alyssa, appraising her look.
“Hey to you, too.”
“Oh, that’s not the voice of someone who just had a date with a hot guy.” Lil’s tone was pointed, and Alyssa caught the edge of disapproval in it.
Alyssa pressed the palms of her hands to her eyeballs. “I had a great time with Josh…”
“Did you, though?” Lil asked, her voice flat. “Because I still don’t understand why you agreed to go out with him in the first place.”
“Lil—”
“No, seriously, Alyssa. You’ve been spending every spare moment with Evelyn. You light up when you talk about her. You bake dog treats together, for God’s sake. And then Josh asks you out and you just…say yes? What was that about?”
Alyssa groaned. “I panicked, okay?”
“You panicked,” Lil repeated, her expression softening slightly. “So you went on a date with a perfectly nice guy you have zero interest in because you’re terrified of your feelings for Evelyn?”
“When you say it like that, it sounds ridiculous.”
“That’s because it is ridiculous.” Lil shook her head.
“I know you, Lyss. I’ve watched you keep everyone at arm’s length for years.
But Evelyn? She’s different. And you know it.
You’re also freaking out because you’re not used to being in this situation.
Evelyn isn’t a fling or a casual hook-up. You want her to be your girlfriend.”
Alyssa wanted to bop Lil on the nose because her mocking tone was unnecessary. Alyssa wouldn’t have been surprised if Lil broke out in a chorus of Alyssa and Evelyn sitting in a tree, K.I.S.S.I.N.G.
“You’re a child,” Alyssa scoffed, rolling her eyes.
“Yes, but I’m right, aren’t I?” There was that bloody smug grin again.
“Fine, yes, you’re right.”
“C’mon, tell aunty Lil all about it.”
“Ew, don’t speak like that. It’s weird.”
“Alyssa, spill.”
So Alyssa did the mature thing and stuck out her tongue, blowing a raspberry. They both laughed.
But then the laughter faded, and Alyssa felt the weight of it all settle back on her shoulders. She picked at a loose thread on her jeans, not meeting Lil’s eyes.
“It’s stupid,” she started. “I’m not someone who gets scared about commitment. I just…I’ve never wanted it before. It’s never been for me.”
“Because of Four Paws?”
“Yeah. Partly.” Alyssa took a breath. “I’ve been happy with my life, Lil. I enjoy meeting people and having a bit of fun. The centre is my number one priority, and that’s always been enough. More than enough.”
Lil nodded, her expression patient. “But?”
“But Evelyn makes me want things I’ve never wanted before.
” The words came out in a rush. “And that terrifies me. What if I get so caught up in her that I lose focus on the sanctuary? What if I start prioritising her over the dogs, over everything I’ve built?
Four Paws is my life’s work. It’s who I am.
What if falling for someone means I stop being that person? ”
“Lyss—”
“And what if it doesn’t work out?” Alyssa continued, the floodgates open now.
“What if I let myself fall completely and she realizes I’m too much?
Or not enough? I’ve never done this before—the real relationship thing.
I don’t know how to need someone like that.
What if I’m terrible at it? What if I mess it up and lose her, and then I’m left with nothing but regret and this gaping hole where she used to be? ”
She finally looked up at Lil, and her voice dropped to almost a whisper. “I’ve spent my entire adult life being independent. Not needing anyone. And now suddenly I need her, and I don’t know what to do with that. It feels like standing on the edge of a cliff, and I’m terrified of jumping.”
Lil reached over and squeezed her hand. “So you went out with Josh.”
“Yeah.” Alyssa laughed, but it was hollow. “Because he’s safe. He’s a really nice guy, and I told him as soon as he asked me out I was only looking for casual, and that suited him fine. No expectations. No risk. No falling.”
“No Evelyn,” Lil added gently.
“No Evelyn,” Alyssa agreed, her throat tight. “But the whole time I was sitting there with him, all I could think about was her. About how much I wanted to be with her instead. About how I’d rather be terrified with Evelyn than safe with anyone else.”
“Does Evelyn know that’s what you want with her?”
“I…” Why hadn’t they ever discussed relationships? Hell, they’d talked about everything else, but thinking back, Alyssa couldn’t remember a time when they’d spoken of their love lives in depth. What did that mean?
“Let’s clear a few things up. I want you to have a life, Alyssa. You are the one that puts pressure on yourself to be the wonder woman of Four Paws. We have built a fantastic team, one we both trust. Nothing at all is going to go wrong if you take a tiny step back and focus on something else.”
“But…”
“No buts. It’s a fact. I want you to explore a relationship, Al. You’ve got so much to give, and I’ve seen the way Evelyn looks at you. She’s just as smitten as you.”
“Smitten? Really?”
“If the goo-goo eyes fit! Yes, smitten. I don’t know her like you do, but that much is clear. If you gave it a chance, I think you could have something with that woman. Something great.”
“I’m going round for breakfast in the morning.”
“Okay. How did that come about?”
“I feel like an arsehole. Josh was the perfect date, but I just couldn’t stop thinking about Evelyn. I remembered her face when I told her I had a date. She was upset, even though she tried to play it off. And to be honest, I felt horrible telling her I was going out with someone else.”
“Okay, continue.”
“Josh was funny, charming, all the things I look for, but with Evelyn…I feel a connection, something deeper. After I said good night to Josh, my entire body was craving to see Evelyn.”
“Wow,” Lil puffed. “That’s new.”
“Yeah, tell me about it. We’ve been getting close for some time. After I told her about my date, she asked me out to dinner. I thought she wanted a friendly working lunch, but she clarified she wanted it to be a proper date. I couldn’t get her off my mind after that. So I drove over to her place.”
“And how did that go?”
“Well, she gave me the best damn kiss of my life, Lil. I’m talking spine tingling, toe curling, clit throbbing good.”
“Jesus. Why has it taken us this long to get to the juicy part of your night? Bloody hell, Alyssa.”
Alyssa laughed. “You asked me to explain,” she mock whined.
“So why are you here and not doing unspeakable things to that lovely lady?”
“Because I want to do it right.”
“And how does that look to you? What’s your way of doing it, right?”
“Dating. Exclusively.” The clarity that washed over Alyssa was astounding. Why the bloody hell had she been so worried? Alyssa wanted Evelyn. Not just for a night or a few weeks.
“So go for it. Look, I’m not gonna get all psychoanalyse-y on you, but I think this should help. You’re not scared of commitment, you just think you don’t know how to do it right?”
Alyssa nodded in agreement. It’s true she’d never been in a relationship.
“But here’s the thing. You do know. You have loads of relationships!”
“With who?”
“The dogs.”
Alyssa blinked slowly at Lil. Was she high?
“Don’t look at me like I’m nuts. Just listen. With your parents moving you about so much, you didn’t learn how to connect with people. Is that fair?”
“I suppose.”
“But you learned how to connect with your pets. The thing is, Alyssa, forming a bond and a relationship is the same, whether it’s an animal or human. Giving love, learning their traits and behaviours. Being compassionate, caring, and all that other gumpf.”
Squinting in concentration, Alyssa tried to see where Lil was coming from. “Alright, I think I get what you’re on about.”
“You know how to maintain a healthy relationship, Alyssa. So far it’s just been for your animals, but that can transfer to humans too. Hell, we’re in a committed friendship, right?”
“Of course.”
“So there you go. It will be the same with Evelyn except for all the hot sex.”
Alyssa barked out a laugh. “Okay, I think that’s enough from you. I get what you’re saying though.”
“Good. Go have breakfast and just see where it goes. Don’t put a limit on it and don’t, for the love of beans, worry about me, the team, or the dogs.”