Chapter 34
THIRTY-FOUR
I don't know how long I sleep for, but as I open my eyes, I'm happy to see that it's not dark out yet. I'm still on Ze's back as he walks through the dense forest.
The sound of birds chirping from the branches of the trees startles me back to reality, and I blink the sleep away as I take in our surroundings.
Though there is still rich foliage all around, the environment is slightly different.
Leaves and twigs crackle under Ze's weight as the ground is a mix of dirt, moss, and stone. The trees are larger than before—so much so that I can barely see traces of the blue sky. For the first time, it dawns on me that despite being a foreign world, with a toxic atmosphere for outsiders, it's so very similar to my own world. The vivid green of the leaves, the earthly brown of the tree branches and the muddy ground, the clear blue of the water and its refreshing taste, the textures of the plants and rocks; they are all so similar. I may not be too knowledgeable in science, but I wonder if perhaps this is not a universal requisite to produce and maintain forms of life. Maybe they are similar yet different enough to ensure a parallel evolution—from cells to complex systems.
Where my world is mostly devoid of supernatural dangers that could promote the evolution of certain abilities, other worlds are not. Maybe it's just my simplistic and ignorant way of thinking of things, but I still can't help but marvel at the things around me—at everything I'm experiencing that I would have never thought real before. There's so much more out there than I could have ever imagined. Yes, there's danger, terror, and evil. But there's also beauty. It's in the nature that seems ubiquitously serene and peaceful. But it's also in the attempts to build civilization, to create a language, a culture—something to live on. There's so much commonality that for the first time I don't feel as foreign. Not to this world, and not to my new friends.
"You are awake?" Ze inquires as he half turns his head to me.
"Yes. Thank you for letting me sleep."
"You have been holding out well, human," he acknowledges in a soft voice. "I sometimes forget how small and frail you are."
"Hey." I pinch him. "I'm not that frail."
"Compared to me, you are," he continues. "You forget that I could crush you with one hand."
"Don't worry, Sir Sparkles, I haven't forgotten about your strength ," I mutter drily.
"I am not saying this to antagonize you."
My eyes widen in surprise at his words.
"I am merely reminding myself that we are different, and I should not expect you to keep up with me, or with Cerenios or Erithea for that matter."
"Wow, Ze..." I whisper. "You just scored yourself another point," I joke. Did I wake up in yet another world where Ze is not arrogant, rude, and overbearing? Maybe I should pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming.
"I have been reflecting," he states, his tone serious—almost as if he was about to tell me he had the most important epiphany.
"Oh, and what did you reflect on?" I ask curiously.
"You are weak. I am strong. It is a perfect match."
"I don't?—"
"Because you are so weak," he continues, cutting me off, "you can never be alone with another male." He pauses. "Or female."
"What are you talking about?" I ask, thoroughly confused by his so-called reflection.
"I, of course, shall always be by your side to ensure your safety and I will vanquish anyone who means you harm."
I blink.
"I appreciate that, but?—"
"I acknowledge it is not your fault you are so weak," he interrupts me again. "You were simply unfortunate to be born as a human. Do not worry, I will not hold it against you. In fact, it might be for the better."
"Ze, I have no idea what you're talking about," I mutter, confused.
"Alas, that is another one of your shortcomings. But I will not hold that against you either. You have plenty of good qualities, too," he speaks, his voice booming with self-assuredness.
"Oh, really? And what are those?" I ask ironically. I'm curious what he'll come up with after insulting me not once, not twice, but three times! I guess I should start taking off points, too.
"You are small."
"You just said I was weak." I raise a brow.
"I like small." He nods to himself with a smile.
That's not exactly a quality, though.
"What else?" I ask, even though I know I'll probably regret wanting to know.
"You are nice," he says, his voice dropping an octave. "To me."
I blink.
"I am not...good with people. And I admit I may have, at times, offended you."
I resist the urge to roll my eyes since I doubt even he knows when he's offensive and when he isn't.
"But you have not held my idiosyncrasies against me. You are a good person, Luce." He smiles, turning his face toward me.
My lashes flutter as I find myself suddenly too close to him, his warm breath fanning my face, his purple eyes fixed on mine.
"Uhm, thank you?" I whisper, heat traveling up my cheeks.
"You are very welcome," he replies in that dignified tone of his. "From now on, I would rather you were not as nice to others, though. I suppose I could make an exception for Erithea, and maybe even Cerenios since he knows his place. But any other individual is out of the question."
Now I'm confused... Is he telling me not to be nice to other contestants?
"Is this because it might be dangerous?"
I experienced firsthand what happened with the fox when I only tried to be nice and compliment her tail. Maybe he has a point with this. Despite my instinct to be cordial and kind to people, it's not the place to do so. We're all enemies here.
"Yes. It is"—he nods before adding under his breath—" for them ."
"You're right," I eventually agree. "Sometimes I just can't help it." I sigh. "But I realize it might not be in my best interest."
"Do not worry. I will ensure I am the only object of your attentions," he declares.
"Well, I guess that gets you an extra point." I laugh. "Thank you for always having my back." I pat him lightly on the shoulder.
He preens quietly at hearing about the extra point.
Ze might be downright offensive sometimes, but he's lucky that another one of my g ood qualities is that I don't take his poorly phrased words to heart, nor am I quick to anger.
We walk for a while longer before I anxiously tap his chest.
"Do you see that?" I point at the spot between the trees. "Those colors..."
White petals with a black dot inside are attached to a light green stem that's a contrast to the deep green of the grass.
"It seems we have arrived at our destination," he nods.
I ask him to put me down and the moment my feet touch the ground, I run forward. Once I pass the last of the trees, my eyes widen in wonder as I take in the beauty of the landscape.
"It's an entire field, Ze! Oh my," I exclaim in excitement as I hurry forward.
The flowers are quite tall, reaching my waist. And as I run around, the silky texture of the petals brushes against my hands.
Turning to Ze, I continue to walk backward as I beckon him forward.
"Come on!"
Ze smiles as he watches me.
"Should we take it out with the root?" I ask as I gaze at one particular plant.
"Yes," he replies, handing me our bag before getting to his knees and digging his hands in the ground. He pushes his fingers in the damp soil, moving around until he has a good grasp on the root. Carefully, he starts taking it out. To help him, I get down next to him, brushing away the dirt so he can perform a smooth removal.
"There. One," he says, giving it to me. But instead of stopping, he moves to the next.
"Isn't one enough?" I frown.
"You should always aim for a backup plan," he mutters as he repeats the process with the other plant.
"I see." I nod.
We get a total of three plants, carefully placing them inside our bags.
A foolish smile pulls at my lips, my insides trembling with mirth and happiness and optimism.
"We made it, Ze! We found it. I'm so happy." I jump up and down as I twirl around.
He just stands there, an inscrutable expression on his face as he stares at me.
"That we did," he speaks slowly.
I raise a brow at him, but he simply shakes his head.
"Happiness looks good on you, Luce," he murmurs, walking toward me in that dignified manner of his, spine straight, hands behind his back.
"I bet it would look good on you, too. Come!" I grab his hand and pull him along with me, running around in the field until we reach a portion where the plants are not as tall. Without saying a word, I throw myself on my back, cushioned by the softness of the grass.
I wave my arms and legs back and forth, creating the shape of an angel and feeling the light caress of the grass against my skin. The ground is damp and cool, but I barely register the discomfort. At the moment, the only thing that matters is that we did it. We found the plant!
Ze tilts his head, a frown marring his features.
"What are you doing?"
"Having fun, Ze. You should try it!"
He looks at me, then at the grass, then back at me, the frown on his face deepening.
"Just come," I urge him.
He ponders it for a few moments before he stiffly lies down on the grass next to me. He's on his back, his hands glued to his sides as he stares up at the sky.
I glance at him, noticing he doesn't move a muscle as he lies there as if he were made of stone.
"How do you feel?" I ask as I turn onto my side, propping my head on my arm to look at him.
"It is wet," he replies drily. "And cold."
I roll my eyes.
"I didn't ask how the ground feels. I am very much aware that it's not comfortable. But how do you feel?" I inquire anxiously, hoping to spark at least some joy in his barren heart. The more I learn about him and his life, the more I feel sorry for him and the prison he's locked himself in—all in order to excel at his job. I admire him for wanting to do his duty and protect people from demons, but that doesn't mean he cannot take time to himself, relax, and simply enjoy life.
He's over seven thousand years old, for God's sake, and he's never read a book for enjoyment.
If that's not a crime, then I don't know what is.
He seems confused by my question.
"I... I do not know," he blinks.
"What do you mean you don't know?"
He's silent for what seems like forever, his body tensing until the high definition of his muscles becomes visible through his loose clothing. Still gazing at the sky, he swallows hard, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down as he releases a deep, agonizing breath.
A sliver of anxiety courses through me as I shuffle closer to him, my hand midair as I reach for him. But just before I can touch him, he speaks.
"I do not have a frame of reference for feelings. I may rationally understand them, but I do not know what feelings feel like."
My lids flutter rapidly.
"Are you serious? You're joking, right?" My voice ebbs as uncertainty grips me. It seems like a joke, but his countenance indicates it's not one.
He turns his head toward me, the purple of his eyes intensifying.
"Why would I joke?" he asks with a straight face.
"But... I don't understand. How can you not know what feelings feel like? You just have to feel ..." Maybe he has a hard time putting his emotions into words. We've already established he's not the greatest communicator.
"I cannot. Or at least..." he trails off, his lips flattening as a scowl mars his features. "I thought I could not. I am not sure." He blinks, emotions warring on his face. They're out there in the open, fighting for supremacy despite his proclamation that he cannot feel.
"Can you explain what you mean?" I ask softly. I can see he's struggling with this, and I hate the uncertainty mirrored in his expression.
His features tighten, his brows knit together as he muses quietly.
"I have been this way for as long as I remember. I can logically understand joy, sorrow, love, hate, envy and so on. I understand them, but I do not experience them. Or, at least, I could not experience them before."
"Before?"
He sighs.
"I was gravely injured in a battle and after I recovered, everything was...strange."
"Strange?" I probe further. He has a lost expression on his face, which tells me he doesn't understand what's happening to him.
"My compulsions have become...unnatural."
I frown. "Unnatural how?"
"They are...illogical. Irrational. Instinctual, " he rasps in a rough voice. "As if there is another me inside of me that dictates my actions. An absurd me."
"And you think your injury caused this?"
He nods.
"I am who I am because of my immutability. I do what I do because I do not waver. But now... I fear I am not unshakable anymore."
My heart clenches at his admission. It's rare to see Ze being so open and vulnerable, admitting to his own weaknesses. But as this information sinks in, more things start making sense—his lack of awareness, his rudeness, his outbursts. Just like I had initially intuited, he doesn't do it with malice. He does it because he doesn't know any better.
I place my hand on top of his, patting him lightly.
"I'm sorry," I whisper.
"You are forbidden from telling this to anyone, human," he suddenly declares in a booming voice, turning his hand palm up and threading his fingers through mine, the action belying the severity of his words. "You are the only one who knows about it."
"Thank you. I'm flattered you'd trust me." I smile.
He stares at me awkwardly, seemingly at a loss for words.
What is it about him that hurts my heart so? It's almost as if his pain and confusion echo in the air, sending an arrow straight to my chest and making me feel his struggle. From the beginning, I could sense there was more behind his seemingly haughty facade, but I would have never guessed it would be something so monumental—or that he'd be so lonely and scared in the face of the unknown.
"I could help you navigate it," I offer with a smile. "If you want to talk to someone about it, that is."
"You would do that for me?" His voice is tinged with surprise.
"Of course," I assure him. "We can start with what you experienced after you awoke. What was different than before?"
He's pensive for a moment.
"Before, I would not react to anything. I would do my duty on the battlefield. I would sleep and feed because my body demanded it. I would interact with others only when duty required it," he starts. "I did not care about anything or anyone. People... They do not like me, and they are not afraid to make their dislike known, even to my face. I would be insulted, but I did not mind it, nor did I punish them unless it was a sanctioned action."
Oh, God. The more he speaks, the bleaker a picture he paints. How is that a life? How can anyone live like that?
"After I recovered, everything changed. I became annoyed at every little thing. I am prone to anger unlike ever before. I can feel... hurt , even when there is no discernible wound on my body. It is entirely too strange," he marvels in a low voice.
"Oh, Ze," I whisper. "You must be so confused at everything. I can't imagine what you're going through," I say as I squeeze his hand. In hindsight, his past behavior makes sense. He wasn't rude—that was his default mode. If anything, his newfound feelings must have made him question everything he thought he knew about himself and the world.
I can't possibly imagine what it would be like to go through something like that—to have everything you thought you knew stripped away from you. Yet, still, he's handled everything much better than I think I would. For someone who's practically experiencing the world for the first time, he's shown an impressive amount of self-control—especially considering his destructive abilities.
"I do not want your pity, human," he rasps, his eyes flashing at me.
"I'm not pitying you." I shake my head. "It's called compassion. It means my heart hurts for your pain."
His frown deepens.
"I do not understand. How can you hurt for someone else's pain?" he asks, entirely confused.
"When you care about someone, their pain becomes your own. You want to see them happy all the time, and when they're not, their lack of happiness influences your own, too."
He nods to himself as he mulls over my words.
"You care for me?" he speaks slowly, hesitantly.
"Of course." I smile. "You're a good man, Ze. I don't care what others say or think of you. So what if people don't like you? They just don't know you because they never tried to know you. And that's their loss," I state with all the conviction I can muster.
He stills, staring at me with an odd glint in his eyes. The color of his irises, too, becomes a deeper purple that swirls into an infinity pool, specks of silver flashing brightly.
Shifting onto his side, he comes closer to me, his gaze a mix of confusion and curiosity. But there's something more, too. Something strange and exciting. I can barely blink because I cannot tear my eyes from his, afraid that the spell would be broken any moment.
A low tremor goes down my spine as he takes my hand and lays it against his chest.
"I," he starts, licking his lips as he searches for the right words. "I think mine hurts for you too."
A wide smile stretches across my face, just as a hopeful look crosses his.
"This is called friendship, Ze," I tell him gently. "We care about each other because we're friends."
His expression falls, a scowl pulling at his features as he tightens his grip over my hand. Taken aback by the sudden change in his countenance, I pull my hand from his. It takes me a few tries to dislodge it from his iron grasp.
"Right, uhm... What else happened after you recovered?" I ask in an attempt to redirect his attention to the previous topic. I'm not sure what I said that triggered him, but judging by the tension in his muscles, he's not very happy with where our conversation was going.
He narrows his eyes at me.
"I am overwhelmed by these new...urges," he states, watching me intently. "And I do not know how to quench them."
Seconds trickle by as he awaits my response, but I find myself at a loss for words.
"What...urges?" I ask hesitantly.
He stares at me, the answer clear without him having to verbalize it.
Right. Awkward. Why did I have to offer to help him navigate his newfound feelings?
"Uhm..." Is this really the time to give him the sex ed talk? Given his disinterest in females and his prudishness, I am sure he's never done anything of that nature.
Damn... Why does it have to be me?
I may be married, but I've always been shy about these things. Nikki used to laugh about it all the time when my cheeks would turn red at the mere mention of the word sex. But then, he'd tease me about my blushes and one thing would lead to another and we'd end up in bed, where somehow I'd forget all about my shyness.
But that was Nikki, my husband and only lover. Even with him, it took me a long time to come to terms with the abuse I witnessed at the hacienda. Our courtship lasted over a year, and in that time, we only kissed a handful of times. It was only on our wedding night that we became intimate, and although I'll always cherish that memory, I must admit that it was a disaster. We fumbled awkwardly together, and the entire thing was a painful ordeal. It took us months of practice to become comfortable with it and enjoy each other.
I can already feel heat travel up my neck as I imagine stumbling my way through an uncomfortable explanation. I should just give him a romance novel and let him figure things out on his own.
"I'm sure you'll find a way to...erm...quench them," I say nervously. No matter how much I want to help him, this isn't something I feel comfortable talking about, nor do I think it would be a proper topic to discuss with a male friend. It's better if we just focus on the emotional aspect.
His mouth curls around the corners.
"I am sure I will," he drawls, his eyes boring into mine.
I swallow uncomfortably.
"We should make our way back," I suggest, getting up and dusting my clothes.
He rises, his posture straight and imposing.
"Let us depart," he states in an icy tone, barely sparing me a glance.
He walks ahead, not bothering to wait for me.
What the hell is his deal?
I hurry after him, gazing up at his lofty profile. His expression gives nothing away, a neutrality resembling the one from when I first met him encasing his features. Almost like a switch, he went from the vulnerable man he let me glimpse just a few seconds ago back to the ice block that thinks himself better than everyone else.
Perhaps he's regretting opening up to me? Ze strikes me as a man accustomed to showing no weakness, and he just admitted a huge one to me. At the same time, I'm also torn because the thought of being his only confidante warms me. But his current attitude makes me wonder why he said anything in the first place. His words implied that he cares for me, his previous actions too. His current ones, however? Not so much.
I sigh and hunch my shoulders. Since he's new to this feelings business, I'll cut him some slack. But that doesn't erase the fact that my feelings are slightly bruised.
We walk in silence for roughly two hours.
Every time I try to initiate a conversation, he mumbles a few brief words and then ignores me. Sometimes, he just stares intently at me, almost as if he's trying to decipher something.
When my stomach growls with hunger, we take a short break at the edge of a forest, right by a rocky cliff that feeds into a canyon. From a green and rich environment, we're now in the middle of a dry and arid one—a polar opposite. It's quite hard to imagine that these two landscapes would coexist in such proximity, but at this point, I don't think I should question the logic of the universe anymore. Anything is possible.
I take a seat on a boulder at the peak of the cliff, unpacking some of our remaining snacks in front of me. Ze's a few meters away, standing tall and mighty and doing his best not to glance my way as I munch on a nut bar. His attention is focused on the forest, and I assume he's trying to be alert in case of an attack.
Clearing my throat, I call out to him.
"Ze? You should come and eat something."
He turns sharply to me, his lips compressed into a thin line.
Does this man ever get hungry? I can count on one hand the times I've seen him eat, and we've been by each other's side for days in a row.
"I am not hungry," he replies in a dry tone before turning his back to me.
"You've barely eaten anything. You must be hungry."
"I am not hungry, human," he grits out.
"Come eat something." I put on a hesitant smile as I beckon him closer, waving the bar in my hand at him.
He half turns, his brow raised as he looks from me to the nut bar.
"Pretty please? I'll give you an extra point."
He blinks, his ears suddenly perking up.
"An extra point?" he repeats, already walking toward me. Without saying another word, he takes the bar from my hand, peels the wrapper, and bites into it.
"Tell me you're not mad at me," I say as I lean into him, rubbing my shoulder against him playfully.
He frowns.
"What are you on about with this nonsense again, human? Why would I be mad at you?"
"I don't know." I shrug. "You've been ignoring me for the last few hours. If I did something wrong, please tell me so I can fix it," I add hesitantly.
"I was not ignoring you," he states, and I detect no falsehood. "I was just ruminating."
"Oh." I gulp. "About what?"
"About our conversation. About our friendship ." His face screws up in disgust as he utters the word.
"And?" I ask anxiously. I can't help but think that I did or said something wrong.
He's about to answer when something else grabs his attention. Eyes flashing with determination, he grabs my hand, pulling me into his arms right as a static noise permeates the air.
"Quiet," he whispers in my hair, keeping me close as he glances at the bottom of the canyon. I follow his gaze to a bluish swirling mass of air in the shape of a sphere. The color becomes increasingly more pronounced, and as a loud thud echoes through the valley, a mangled foot steps out of it. Soon after, the owner of that foot makes its appearance—a monstrous demon like the one we encountered at the theatre. And he's not alone.
He steps out of the portal, leaving way for another demon to come after him. And another.
Four demons enter the realm, and just when I think that's it, someone else comes out. Yet this person doesn't have the typical demonic appearance. Dressed in a dark blue suit tinged with red, he appears to be humanoid.
The moment his feet touch the ground, the portal behind him closes.
I sneak a glance at Ze and note the tightening of his jaw.
"What's going on?" I whisper. "Who's that?"
"A son of Tenebreis—an archdemon."
"But what are they doing here? Didn't you say they can't move around in corporeal form?"
"They should not be able to," he answers tersely.
The archdemon is talking to the four demons, seemingly giving them some orders before they flash themselves out of sight. Alone, the archdemon removes something from his pocket. From this distance, I can't see what it is, but as he holds it in his hand, a red light emanates from his palm, surrounding the object. His lips move, too, and I assume he's chanting something just as the light intensifies.
Ze's arms tighten around me, his breathing harsh against my flesh.
When the archdemon has finished chanting, he throws the object onto the ground, the light infiltrating through every crack and crevice, melting onto the very fabric of the earth.
Then he disappears as well.
"What the hell was that, Ze?" I whisper, still staring at the canyon.
"Something that should not have happened," he says with a twitch of his cheek.
"I don't understand..."
"This is bad," he mutters to himself. "This is bad," he repeats, almost like a robot. He takes a step back, his shrewd eyes taking in his surroundings, his body taut and primed for war. "I need to send a message to my generals. Stay here," he orders, but his attention is not on me.
"But... What if they come back?" I blink.
"They are no longer around," he replies absentmindedly, moving away from me without sparing me a glance.
"I'll come with you," I quickly say, hurrying after him.
He doesn't acknowledge my words, and before I can blink, he's gone from my sight.
"Ze?" I call out, my eyes widening with fear. I run toward the spot he disappeared from, anxiously calling out his name. "Don't leave me alone..." My lips tremble as a sliver of fear washes through me. Maybe it's because we've been inseparable until now, but the thought of being alone in this world terrifies me.
Foolish thoughts and scenarios inundate my mind as I dash after him, still calling his name. It's as if between me and doom there's only him—only Ze. He's my buffer... my rock.
So focused am I on finding him that I no longer mind my surroundings or watch my steps.
A sharp pain erupts in my knees and palms as I trip and fall to the ground. But in my desperation, I barely register the fall. I get up, ready to continue my search for him.
But as I turn around, I note the sudden shift of the landscape as well as the dimming colors—as if darkness has suddenly consumed the entire sky.
"Ze..." I call out once more, my chest aflame with a spark of terror. Yet just as the word is out of my mouth, I frown, slowly forgetting my initial purpose. A cracking noise reverberates from my side, and as I turn to search for its source, my eyes are blinded by a sudden light. White tendrils slither forward and grip my body, pulling me into that light.