Chapter 6
SORROW
I’ll be honest. Nothing terrified me more than when I learnt two gifts lurked within.
Balance is a brutal knife-edge. My mentor, Evella, bless her soul, discovered another Deviant to aid me.
Without them, my gifts would warp and decay.
An incendiary amidst a tempest. I fear the failure to locate proficient mentors may be the reason Deviants are so rare.
— MRS GLESNI GRACE’S ADVICE FOR MENTORS: THIRD EDITION
Bronzehold was home to a library containing a smattering of books, whose sparseness had been the bane of my existence growing up, but desperation turned my wretched footsteps towards it.
The Thornes of the past were content to lock knowledge away in their library, far, far from the keep.
I still hoped I’d discover a book with an all-elusive chapter about balancing Evella’s gifts.
I thought after I’d successfully called the violet threads on Glesni, on every corpse littering my husband’s beach, that balance was mine.
That I, the mighty wolf queen, had mastered the evasive balance without the direction of a mentor.
My eyes closed against the sting. My damned arrogance had convinced me I’d be more than I was.
That I’d achieve the impossible. But what was I?
A Deviant at the mercy of her blessing? A queen without a crown? A wife without her…
My gifts, as stubborn as the wolf at my side, still mastered me.
It was imperative we sort out this pile of shit we’d landed in.
But my heart and soul were cracked from having to leave the man I loved behind.
Without Matthias, my spirit seeped from me in an endless trickle.
He alone possessed the ability to staunch the flow.
I wasn’t sure I’d ever be enough to control my twin blessings.
Shivers prickled down my spine as I recalled the beach, the purple threads slithering into Glesni, wearing her skin like a satin gown.
Had the old woman somehow aided me when I needed her the most?
Had the fractured remains of her essence clung to her bloodied form long enough to end Romero?
Was my fleeting success down to someone else?
I’d staved off the effects of the blight. I’d survived so much longer than anyone could have ever imagined. Perhaps I could find instructions on balancing the threads in the library? I may not need a mentor at all. I tugged Pablo’s fur and turned on my heel, ignoring his snort of frustration.
The harsh light was splintered by the large leaded windows.
The majority of tomes lay within the main library, another reason why I’d been so keen to leave the keep.
I ran my fingers through the thick dust on the rickety shelves, past the huge gaps where The Chronicles of the forgotten Gods had once rested.
After the last faith war, The Alliance argued that we should only pray to Evella and fear Vyrus, so they’d removed The Chronicles of those Gods Vyrus created and cast them into the flames.
I suspected the Sisters and Brotherhood had played a significant role in ensuring their Gods were favoured.
Pablo settled on the ground, a sign we were safe from any who wished me harm, and I peered at the weathered spines.
As a child, I’d read some of these books over and over, desperate for knowledge.
Romero had beaten me when I’d sneaked into his offices and devoured his personal collection of Drufaeran histories, but still I’d hungered for more.
I knew the books my fingers skimmed were itineraries of royal visits to foreign lands, those on the bottom shelf detailed infrastructure of major towns.
A pulse flickered through my numb form as I reached the section on Anomalies, quickly ebbing as I realised there’d been few additions in the eight years since I’d left.
My heart sank as I peered at a pamphlet warning emerging Anomalies which symptoms to expect and another outdated tome written by a disgraced mentor.
Newer books were always sent to the great library, but there was no opportunity to travel there at the moment.
Part of me had hoped some clerk had obtained Glesni’s book– a book I’d still not read – and I cursed at the five pathetically out of date books sitting on the shelf.
‘Fuck.’ Pablo whined as I slammed my forehead against the shelf. Bitter tears stung the back of my eyes. I didn’t know if I had the strength to fight them back any more.
I picked up a book I already knew contained no information about balance. The words in the index swam as I traced them, desperate to find the ones that may lead to my salvation. Deviant had a solitary entry. I tore to the page, cursing at the short description of what I already knew:
Deviants are said to be doubly blessed. An Anomaly with two gifts, sometimes complementary, sometimes conflicting; it’s imperative they learn to balance. Very few mentors possess the experience, knowledge and skills to assist effectively.
I blew out a long breath, dropping the book to the floor as I gripped another.
Pages tore as I searched for knowledge and the book fell with a thud as I discarded it.
My heart hammered as I took the next, almost immediately throwing it down when I spied the word ‘witches’ and realised the book was over two hundred years out of date, written before Anomalies had proven how useful we were in battle.
I grabbed another book. Then another. I swiped hot tears as I picked up the last one, barely able to read, but already knowing Deviants were so rare, we didn’t even warrant a mention.
I barely registered flinging the book across the room, a scream tearing through my raw throat, my knees buckling. I slunk to the floor. The wolf’s snout nuzzled into the crook of my neck as finally, the pain and fear won. I collapsed into him, his fur soaking with the weight of my tears.
‘Oh, Sorrow.’
I started as arms enveloped me. Breaking away from the wolf, I found Skye and Enfys laying their heads against me, holding me. I gripped them, pulled them closer.
They didn’t let go. They simply held me until I was spent. I pulled myself away, wiping the tears and blowing out a tattered breath. Pablo lay his head on my shoulder and I reached back, threading my fingers through his fur.
‘How did you know where I was?’ I winced against the rawness in my voice.
Skye narrowed those eyes that were so like her brother’s, I could barely meet them.
‘It’s the library, Sorrow. Where else would you be?’
I hiccupped a half-laugh as Enfys took my hand.
‘And we knew it was bad when we saw how you were treating those books,’ my sister added. She picked up one, flipping through it before she gripped my hand once more. ‘I… I’ve reached out to one of my old mentors, to see if we can find someone. There has to be another Deviant out there somewhere.’
I swiped the tears from my cheeks. ‘I heard the empress has one. Perhaps we should just wait till she invades?’
Skye stretched out her long legs as she ruffled the wolf’s head, ignoring the growl rumbling through him. ‘She won’t be invading. Not when we have a Deviant wolf queen.’
A weight settled in my chest. Without balance, I was nothing but a liability. A backfiring weapon destroying everything I loved.
Enfys rubbed my wrist. ‘Why did you lie, Sorrow? Why did you hide your gifts? Was it… was it because of…?’
I closed my eyes as Skye stiffened next to me.
Since the moment Glesni’s flames had torn through her father and then nearly spiralled out of control, I could see this question coming.
Enfys had once been the victim of those eldritch threads.
She’d known what lurked within and an unspoken agreement had struck between us; that we’d never speak of that day so long ago.
Of how Mama had lacerated her beloved daughter.
I’d taken the beatings for what Romero had thought I’d done to Enfys.
The king and his advisors had barred me from attending Mama’s funeral, believing it was the ultimate punishment, unaware how relief rushed through me.
I gripped the wolf tighter. ‘You know why. I imagine you still wake screaming.’
Skye narrowed her gaze, stared between we sisters and our secret.
‘What happened…’ Enfys inhaled a breath sharper than the claws that had torn into her. ‘That day. With Mama?’
Skye covered her mouth and I turned from her, my cheeks burning as she discovered my shame.
‘I never blamed you, Sorrow. Not once.’ The tears that had taken me so long to smother prickled at the edges of my eyes once more.
She continued, ‘I thought… I thought I’d deserved it.
That Mama had always loved you more and wanted to punish me for all I’d done to you.
For all those times I smiled as Papa beat you, knowing I was his favourite. ’
She dropped her head as my breath froze. How could she ever think Mama would do that to her? I always wondered how she had the heart to face me after that day.
‘It’s one of the reasons why I’m so determined to become a Sister. So I can make amends for—’
‘Amends?’ I raised her chin. Tears swam in her blue eyes.
Gods, all this time. All those letters. Her desperation to get me out of that Tower.
She’d been seeking amends, living with the belief Mama had punished her.
‘That… that thing that attacked you wasn’t Mama, Enfys.
Mama adored you. She adored us both. When…
’ Oh Gods, my breath hitched. We’d hidden from this for too long.
‘When my vile gift escaped and grasped Mama, it was in control. Not Mama. Not me.’
A sob broke through her lips as Skye grasped our hands.
‘The memories. The images,’ I said. ‘They stayed with me, burned through me. I thought you knew?’
Enfys shook her head, so like Mama, and the grief I’d never faced slammed into me.