Chapter Seventeen
Typhon
We moved away from the camp. Vali brought two of his warriors with him, both carrying bows and arrows. They were slight but this did not mean they were weak. Strength coiled in their taut muscles, and I could smell the aggression radiating from them. They were not fearful of my brother and I, and for this I had to give them credit. I noticed them glancing towards us, always with suspicion in their eyes. Despite this temporary truce I had to wonder what might happen should Vance learn about the existence of these people. It didn’t escape me that he might be grateful and perhaps would reward us.
I sidled up to Kull and Ambrosia to share this thought. Kull stared at me as though I was speaking in gibberish.
“Typhon, why do you have this need to seek Vance’s approval?” Ambrosia asked in that clinical way of hers. The tone she used was different to the one she used in normal conversation, and I hadn’t yet gotten used to it. I didn’t like the idea that I was being studied or that I was a puzzle she was trying to solve.
“I don’t have such a need,” I growled.
“On the contrary, it seems to be one of your main driving forces. We all have them, you know. They’re present in everyone. For a lot of people, it’s to accrue wealth, others need power, others want love, others want to belong to a large community and feel needed.”
“What’s yours?” I asked in a biting tone. Ambrosia didn’t seem taken aback by the question. In fact, she seemed quite eager to answer.
“It was always to make a difference in the world, to help people. While I was growing up, I noticed so many people who were in pain, undiagnosed pain. As I listened to people’s problems, I realized that they weren’t being helped and I wanted to be the one to help them. It didn’t hurt that I was always interested in getting into people’s heads and learning what made them tick.”
“My mind is not a clock. Perhaps I don’t want to give you a window into my thoughts.”
She looked at me slyly. “I thought we were beyond that Typhon, what with all we’ve shared.”
Kull masked a laugh at this.
“I just don’t feel the need to talk about these things. I am the way I am, and I feel the way I feel. Does it need to be any more complicated than that?”
“No, but if we speak about them, it can help you come to an understanding about what you truly want and why you want these things. Because at the moment this desire to prove yourself to Vance and be rewarded by him is only going to be a cause of anguish. The outcome is not under your control, and you can’t be sure that there’s anything you can do to earn his respect. Surely you can see that by now? If this is the measure for meaning and success in your life, then perhaps you could reframe your definitions of these words; and you would be happier because of it.”
“There’s always a way to earn his respect. I’m sure he would be happy if we returned with the location of an enemy camp, or even prisoners,” I said in a low voice, making sure that our new companions could not overhear my words. Kull rolled his eyes and grunted with dissatisfaction, while Ambrosia tilted her head. She kept her face devoid of emotion, as though she was wearing a mask.
“Typhon, have you ever considered that this need to win his approval may not entirely be a part of you?” she asked.
“What do you mean?” I frowned.
“Well, it’s just that from the way you were born, you were engineered to have certain qualities, like ambition. In you this has presented itself as a desire to become one of the leaders of the pack and to earn the understanding and respect of your peers. But one of the things that separates beings of higher intelligence from animals is the ability to surpass our nature. This feeling you have may not be something to aspire to but rather an obstacle that you need to overcome. You do not have to be a slave to your emotions.”
“I am not a slave to anything,” I bit back, although I regretted the sharpness of my words as she flinched. “I do not mean to take my anger out on you. I have always believed that life is simple. I have walked a straight path.”
“Unfortunately, that is never truly the case. Other people make it more complicated, people like Vance. I think it might do you good to think about how you could be happy if you never received what you wanted from Vance. As life moves around us, we have to continually reframe our expectations in order to adjust to our situation. We can’t always keep the same goals and desires. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that. I think the most successful people in the world are the ones who are able to pivot and find new goals, ones that are achievable. It doesn’t do anyone any good to pursue the impossible and have you even thought to yourself how things would change if you did indeed earn Vance’s respect? Would you even want to be their equal after the way they have treated you? What if they asked you to turn your back on your brother, would you be able to do that?”
I looked towards Kull and felt a strong stirring of emotion within my heart. We had come into this world together and as much as he could drive me crazy at times, I would never have forsaken him. “Of course not,” I said.
“All I’m saying is think about what you truly want from life and how best to achieve it. The last thing you want is to be unhappy because you’ve given the power of your happiness over to someone else. I’ve tried that before and it didn’t work.”
“What happened?” Kull asked, beating me to it. I was intrigued too.
Ambrosia tucked her hair behind her ear. There was a reluctant look in her eyes, almost as though she regretted admitting this to us.
“He was my first boyfriend. This was before I knew any better. I thought I had to be a certain way so that he would be proud of me. I changed the way I dressed, my hair, my friends. I acted differently around him, trying to become the version of me that he wanted me to be, and it was a standard that I could never meet. He had my mind twisted around and at some point, I lost myself completely. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I didn’t recognize who I saw. My grades had slipped, I was moody, and I didn’t trust anyone. And still it wasn’t good enough. There were always things that he wanted me to do differently, always areas in which I could improve, and in the end it became tiresome. Thankfully one of my friends gave me a reality check. They called me out on my behavior, and it made me look at things from an outside perspective. I had turned into someone I never wanted to be, all because I had this skewed idea of how to be happy. I thought that if I could just earn this boy’s love then everything would fall into place, but it never would have happened. I could have stayed with him all my life and he would have always found fault with what I was doing. I wouldn’t be the woman I was today if I had stayed with him. So, I know what I’m talking about. This fixation you have with Vance isn’t healthy and if I’m being honest with you, I don’t think it’s going to bring you any kind of happiness in the long run.”
“I’ll think about your words,” I said. I was a little shaken at the insight she possessed. It was as though she had a window into my mind, able to conjure so many vulnerable thoughts. Nobody had ever spoken to me the way that she did. She may have been an ordinary human, but there was something remarkable about the way she could peel away the layers of my flesh to reveal the soul beneath and to force me to think about things I would rather have ignored. I preferred it when life was simpler, when I knew what I wanted and still believed that it was possible.
*
I remember the first time I knew I wanted to be as respected as Vance. Kull and I were still pups, yet to understand the true cruelty of the world. We were observed by our handlers and kept separate from the rest of the pack, at least for the majority of the time. Back then we hadn’t known anything different, so there wasn’t any anguish in our souls. It was what life was like. But there were moments when we were allowed to roam freely through the pack. We were amazed at the sights and sounds and at the presence of so many wolves who, we presumed, were just like us. Looking back on it now, I can see the way they looked at us. There was a mixture of disdain and pity in their eyes.
But I was too distracted by other things to notice. The main thing being Vance. I saw him striding through the world, looking as tall as a mountain and just as imposing. He commanded attention just by the way he moved, and he radiated a powerful aura. Our handlers explained that he was the Alpha, the most important wolf in the pack, and the one who guided the direction of the pack. I was in awe of him. When I looked at him, I knew that this was the type of wolf I wanted to be when I was older. I wanted to grow in stature until I could stand side by side with him, look him in the eye, and know that I was his equal. After all, our handlers told Kull and I that we had been born for a glorious purpose, that we were supposed to manifest the best of the wolves. It’s why they put us through such rigorous testing. Every element of our being was pushed to their limits, until they realized that we had reached a plateau. I wanted to show Vance that we could be what they hoped we would be, only for him to stop coming to visit us. Eventually we were bundled into our small alcove and given menial tasks. Ever since then I wanted an opportunity to prove myself to him but perhaps Ambrosia was right. How much energy had I expended in order to try and win his approval? Was it all wasted?
There was a sliver of a thought in the back of my mind that told me it could still happen, it just required something astounding and momentous. If I could perform an epic deed, then perhaps Vance would finally see in me what the wolves had hoped to see when Kull and I had been born. We could finally reach our potential, even if it had taken longer than expected.
So, I stared at Vali and his warriors. This alliance was only temporary, and it would only last for as long as they served my purpose. As for Ambrosia and Kull, I knew they would see sense eventually. These were not our people. They never would be. If we were going to avert this war, then it would be because we convinced Vance that there was a better path. When we discovered his secret method of victory, we could return to him; and he might be impressed that we had uncovered his secret. Perhaps the only way to earn Vance’s respect was to show him that we could make him vulnerable.