Chapter 33
Constance
It’s strange how memories could flood you at any time so you almost felt as if you were drowning.
Except Constance knew the past was so long ago now, the worst it could do was taunt her with memories from so far away they might have happened to someone else entirely.
She would not drown in them at this stage in her life.
And yet, they could absorb her, snatching the present moment away so she had to reach out from behind them to catch up.
‘Constance, are you okay?’ Heather was looking at her strangely. ‘You’ve hardly touched your breakfast?’
‘I…’ She looked down at the plate before her.
‘My appetite seems to have vanished these last few days, I’m not sure why that is…
’ She smiled. If she’d been here alone, would she even have noticed?
She wasn’t sure, oh, but what a lovely thing to have someone close by who cared.
‘I’m sure it’s nothing.’ She batted her hand.
‘And anyway, Mr Crow out there won’t be sorry if I pop extra crusts on the bird table. ’
‘I thought you were getting the sun but…’ Ros was looking at her also now.
‘That’s it, of course, who has a big appetite when summer comes? It’s salad weather…’ Constance said. ‘I’m never ravenous in summer time, not like when it’s cold outside and you need food to warm you up.’
‘Do you think she looks a little jaundiced?’ Ros turned to Heather now and there was no missing the concern in their expressions.
‘No, it’s just the sun, probably just the sun,’ Heather said, but for the next few days, Constance felt their gazes upon her in odd moments.
Sometimes, she tried to force an extra forkful of food into her mouth to convince them that she was fine.
And she was fine. Oh, there were niggling pains and aches, of course there were – but she’d made it this far without a replacement joint and with most of her teeth.
A few twinges, backache, stomach ache and nausea were surely par for the course.
It was a few days later that she caught sight of her reflection in the hall mirror.
It stopped her in her tracks. She had lost weight.
A lot of weight. When had that happened?
She’d never been one to think of her figure.
She’d never owned weighing scales, not even in the kitchen.
Her whole life had been measured out in cups and handfuls – never had she thought of anything in ounces, pounds or stones.
When Constance looked out to see the district nurse on her doorstep the following day, the first thought that crossed her mind was that Ros must have asked her to pop by.
A little part of her wanted to be cross but, the truth was, it was far too long since anyone had been close enough to her to care about her and so, instead, she just felt lucky that she had two people in her life who wanted to make sure she was well.
She welcomed the nurse over the threshold as if she was an old friend.
She had nothing to hide. She was perfectly healthy, wasn’t she?
‘No, no, nothing out of the ordinary,’ Avril Duignan said cheerily.
She was new to the job, had taken over only a few months earlier from Sheila Deere, a sourpuss of a woman who thought elastic bandages were the answer to every problem.
This young woman was a breath of fresh air by comparison.
She arrived in smart exercise pants and didn’t come loaded down with a big medical bag.
Instead, she sat and drank tea and chatted as if she had all day to listen to you.
The last time she was here, instead of bandaging Constance wherever she could, she’d given her a head massage and honestly, by the time she’d left, Constance had felt as if a weight had been lifted that she hadn’t realised she’d been carrying.
While on the one hand she couldn’t help liking her, at the same time you never knew with district nurses. There was always that chance that one slip and they’d have you booked into the nearest nursing home so they had one less call on their list.
‘So, how have things been? I must say, the garden looks wonderful.’ Avril stood at the kitchen window looking out while Constance switched on the kettle.
It was another thing Constance liked about this new nurse: Avril didn’t take over.
She waited to have a cup of tea put in front of her.
It didn’t seem to matter if it took a while and she didn’t care if it was strong or weak, hot or lukewarm, she was just happy to sit and listen and sip her tea.
‘I’ve had a friend staying over, so we’re going through some of my mother’s old papers and, of course, Ros comes over regularly. She’s taken on the garden as if she’s got a personal vendetta against the briars and the moss.’
‘It certainly looks a lot less hazardous for walking to the end. I see you’ve still got the bird table going.’
‘Yes, well, the way I see it, they’re used to being fed here. Why on earth would I just stop because the sun is shining?’ Constance replied easily, but the fact was, the birds in the garden had been her only company for too long to just abandon them now.
‘It’s good to have things you enjoy, we all need that.’
‘Yes, well, I do wonder about Ros…’
‘Maybe she just loves gardening. I don’t think there’s much of a patch up around that old cottage that she lives in, is there?’
‘She won’t be there for much longer, I’m afraid.’
‘Oh, no, she’s not leaving the island, is she?
’ It was the big fear; people here held onto each other as tightly as they could.
News of a new baby on the way was greeted with far more enthusiasm than it warranted in other places.
It went back to the 1940s. At that stage, people left the island in droves.
They were dark times, apparently. For a while, the population went down to less than a hundred.
It had taken a lot of work and pestering of the mainland politicians to get schools reopened, a nurse stationed here and even a phone mast erected at the top of Pin Hill Mountain.
‘She’s going to have to take up a job over with the Parks and Wildlife Service on the mainland. I’m afraid she’ll be leaving in a matter of weeks.’
‘That’s a shame, I’m really sorry to hear it. She’s such a part of the place, you know, it’s funny how some people seem as if they’ve been here forever.’
‘I think she feels that way too. She doesn’t really want to go, I mean, she’s putting a brave face on things, but I can tell…’ Constance said sadly.
They chatted for a while about the comings and goings on the island.
The little coffee shop next to the church which had been closed since old Jackie McHale passed away two years ago was getting a facelift.
Rumour had it that Jackie’s granddaughter was coming back to the island to try and make a go of the place all year round.
‘Which will be fantastic,’ said Avril. ‘Really, I mean, it’ll be lovely to be able to drop by and sit for a while. They plan to do lots of fancy coffees and homemade pastries.’
‘That’s good, the island needs it,’ Constance said because every new venture was welcomed as heartily as a new baby.
‘She’ll do a roaring trade with the community centre crowd, Jay told her that there was something on in the big hall every other day of the week, yoga and women’s groups and art classes and all sorts.
‘It’ll be great for bringing people together, even the men, with their men’s shed – whatever they get up to there!
’ Although Jay explained it was organised to get older men out and meeting people, they whittled wood and played cards or draughts and probably gave out about their wives.
‘I think some mysteries are better left unsolved,’ Avril said.
She was lovely company, light and funny, and they chatted away happily for another while and then she looked at Constance and smiled.
‘Listen to me, I’d talk for Ireland. How have you been, apart from having your garden done over so wonderfully? ’
‘I’ve been great, actually…’ Constance really had enjoyed the last few weeks. She told Avril about Heather and Ros and the fact that in spite of losing her best friend from childhood, it felt as if Dotty had sent two more her way to make up for the loss.
‘It can take a bit out of you, all the same though, can’t it?
Losing someone like that, it knocks you sideways whether you know it or not,’ Avril said wisely.
And maybe it was the depth of kindness that seemed to emanate from the woman, or just the fact that it felt like such a long time since Constance actually thought about how she was, or maybe it was that overhanging feeling of guilt that seemed to come up in her more often these days, but Constance began to sob.
Huge big shaking sobs that emptied her of tears and made her feel as if her whole core was falling down to the floor in spite of her.
‘Ah now, there, there…’ Avril said, wrapping her arms around Constance’s shoulders.
‘It’s funny how even the smallest of words can open up the biggest of craters,’ she said softly, ‘but better out than in, isn’t that what they say, no good carrying your worries around the place, then you really will be needing a nurse.
’ She was making a joke and Constance was thankful for it.
‘The truth is…’ Constance began to say. ‘On top of all that, there have been aches and pains and I’ve noticed that…’
‘Aches and pains aren’t always such a bad thing,’ Avril said softly.