Chapter Thirteen #2
“Because I don’t like change. I hate it.
Fear it. Run from it as best I can. I refused to see that my marriage was dead a long time ago because it was safe and my wife was good to me.
It also means I’m stubborn, and very uncomfortable with ambiguity.
” He searched my face. A gesture that normally gave me butterflies.
“Maybe it’s a good thing I can’t have kids.
I’d be just as shit as my parents, but in the other direction. ”
“Alec…”
He was having a breakdown, and I had no i-fucking-dea what to do. Alec was a good man, but a better salesperson. Whatever he was talking about had to be from the darkest pieces of himself. I kept fighting the urge to get up and walk away. I wouldn’t, and didn’t want to, but it was there.
“I don’t know what would make a good dad or a bad one. Mine was alright. I love him. He’s funny and a solid guy. But I’ve spent my entire life trying to be as different from him as possible. If it were up to me, I’d say you’d make an amazing dad.”
“Thanks for the glowing endorsement, Mason.”
He wouldn’t look at me, but I kept staring at him. My stomach boiled, and the need to flee grew. I had to make him feel better. Everything I said so far only made it worse.
“Look, things are upside down right now. They’ll get better. I’m sure of it. And until then, I got you. You’re here, safe and sound. But what you need is adventure, man. You settled too quick and found out it was wrong. But it’s not too late. Run, jump, fly. It’ll be okay.”
He evaluated me as his face changed, eyes landing on every part of my face. “Yeah, you got me.”
After a moment, he leaned in for a kiss. Not a peck, but our lips stayed closed. It felt out of nowhere, and made my unease worse, not better.
I sat back. “I do, man,” I grabbed his hand again, “for as long as you need. You just made the wrong choice, but that’s okay. You’re still young,”—I smirked—“older than me, but young. And hot enough to get this young piece of ass. You’ll be okay. What happened to the year of Alec?”
“I moved in with my Jr. Rep. at his urging and have been fucking my way through it.” He chuckled.
I laughed. “See! That’s a good thing, isn’t it? This wouldn't have happened if you were too scared of moving on. And we both would’ve missed out on some of the best sex of our lives.”
“Yeah, Mason. It is a good thing. You’re a good thing.”
“Thanks,” I said.
“But roots are a good thing, too. Feeling a sense of belonging is good. Knowing where you are, who you are, and what you’re meant to do are good things. And I have none of that right now.”
“You don’t need that shit!” I said with a laugh. “Not right now, if ever.” I shivered. “Sounds suffocating.”
“It’s not suffocating. It’s called being a grown-up.”
“No, it’s not. That’s picking a life and sticking to it, no matter if it’s right or wrong. You need options—and now you have them!”
“What options do I have?”
“Where to go, what to do, who to fuck—the world is your oyster, man.”
“I hate shellfish,” he said stone-faced, but the slight curl of his lips betrayed him.
I laughed. “No, you don’t!” I laughed again as his face cracked more.
“You need to move. To move on. And this,” I couldn’t read his face as I tapped the envelope, “is the best way to move forward. Sign it, then call your lawyer while I make lunch. Later we can watch a movie, and you can fuck me any way you want.”
“That’s not… I don’t need to sign it.” He looked away and smiled. “My lawyer needs to review it, then we’ll counter. All that. Signing it only happens on TV.”
“Oh. Well, go ahead and call him and let him know you have it.”
“Her. My lawyer’s a woman.”
“Ok!” I threw my arms up. “Then call her. Whatever.”
“It’s Sunday. She’s not in the office.”
We both laughed.
“Fine. Whatever,” I said, still laughing as his smile faded.
“Yeah. Whatever.” He didn’t look at me.
Alec looked at the envelope again, the hurt and fear reemerging.
For a second, I thought I had fixed him, and he was happy, sexy Alec again.
But of course not. The depth of his pain was as foreign to me as wanting to get married in the first place.
My stupidity made me dizzy sometimes. That moment notwithstanding.
I rubbed his back again. “I’m being an asshole, and I’m sorry. This is hard for you, and I don’t know what to say. I’ve never been married, so I can’t fathom what it’s like to get divorced. But I’m here. My ass is on this couch until you need it elsewhere.”
“Thanks. Maybe I do need to shake things up. Though, having consistently amazing sex with a man is a pretty huge shake up from my former life.”
“Exactly, man! That’s what I’m saying!”
He stared at the envelope for a second before asking, “Do you really think being in a stable, long-term relationship is suffocating?”
“What? No. I never said that.”
He stared at me, the sorrow fading. “You just said putting down roots sounds suffocating.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“What did you mean, then?”
“Just that, I need options. I didn’t necessarily mean a relationship, more like… I don’t know. I guess relationships can be suffocating, but that’s not what I was thinking about.”
“What were you thinking about?”
“More like never leaving the place you were born. Living, doing, being the same thing from birth till death.”
He snorted. “You’ve traveled the world. We both have.”
“Yeah, but, I mean, like…” I laughed, “My grandpa was still going at twenty-six.”
“Then he met someone he loved and settled down. There’s nothing wrong with that. You’re alive because he did.”
“That’s not what I meant. Obviously, that’s great. But I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.”
“Don’t know if you’ll ever be able to, what? Love someone enough to settle down?”
“No. I just mean, like…”
“What do you mean, Mason?”
“How? Why? Like, how would someone even know? Why would they want that?”
“I want that. And I know.”
“What do you know?”
“I know I love you.”
A sharp buzzing filled my skull. I didn’t know how to respond.
“Do you love me too?” he asked.
“Yes.” It came out without consent. Once it was, there was no going back.
Alec’s face both melted and lit up. Relief and joy wrapped into one. I didn’t want to take it back, and I couldn’t even if I did. Not with him looking at me like that. Regardless, it made my skin crawl, my heart beat faster, and the urge to run a mile in any direction worse.
He kissed me, and I kissed him back. It made me dizzy in both the best and worst ways. I couldn’t keep myself upright and fell into him. Alec held me, and we kissed again, his sense of giddiness rising.
Alec laid me back on the couch. Our lips never parted as he chased me down. He groped me to an erection while his tongue scoured my mouth. I lifted my arms at his prompting and shed my shirt, only for him to latch onto my nipple.
I loved it when he ravished me. Kissing, licking, and biting his way down the trunk of my body until he’d unleash my cock and suck it down.
The perfect way to get me in the mood for a good hard fucking.
But that’s not what I was feeling. My body was.
Including my already leaking cock—it was always ready for Alec—but my head was giving me problems.
I told myself to shut up and enjoy the sexy, horny man on top of me. And that everything else meant little. Maybe I did love him. Maybe I loved what he did to and for me. It didn’t matter. Not when he was making me moan.
Alec released my nipple, but instead of continuing southward, he moved up. I licked my lips, expecting his kiss. He stared at me instead.
“I want to go to HR and make this official,” he said before devouring my mouth.
My lips didn’t move with his, my tongue stayed flaccid in my mouth, and my fingers released his back. It took me several long seconds to react. I didn’t even push him off me.
“What did you say?” I said, my voice muffled by his mouth’s assault.
He moved to my neck, speaking between licks and nips. “I don’t want to hide this anymore. It’s getting old. Now we both know we love each other, we can move forward. The first step is to inform HR, and allow them to reassign you if needed.”
“What the fuck?” I breathed.
Misinterpreting my meaning, he switched to the other side of my neck and said, “Don’t worry. They won’t reassign you. We land too many accounts and work too well together.”
“Alec…” he continued slurping at my neck skin, “Alec… ALEC, stop!”
I had to push him off me. He was so confused, miles away from understanding.
“What? Did I bite too hard?” he asked.
I pulled my body out from under him. “No. That’s not… I don’t… we can’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Go to HR. Tell the whole damn company. Make this… a thing.”
“What? Why not? You just said you loved me. I love you, too. It’s the logical next step.”
“Alec, what the actual fuck, man?” My heart thudded, and my breath was shallow. “Were you not listening to anything I just said?”
“I’m not proposing to you, Mason. Calm down.
” He laughed inappropriately. “We’ll still travel, see the world, all that.
We won’t be little people living little lives.
” He laughed again. “But we can do it together. And not worry about getting fired if we slip up anymore.” Another laugh, making my vision blur.
“Hoooooly fuck. What? What even? No, man. No. That’s not…” I stood up and grabbed my shirt. “What in the fuck makes you think I’d be okay with that?” I almost tore my shirt as I put it on.
“Be okay with what?” Alec said with a sneer, his mood finally catching up to mine.
“You just got divorced!” I grabbed my neck. “We can’t… you’re not even divorced yet!”
He searched my face. It made me ill. “Yeah. I did. But this is better. You were just saying move on. My marriage was dead a long time ago. She’s dating. There’s no reason I can’t.”
“Dating? Alec, we’re not dating. We’re fucking.” That wasn’t true, and we both knew it.
“What? We live together…” His voice rose. “We sleep in the same bed. Fuck all the time. Share most of our meals. For fuck’s sake, we were just cuddling on the couch. What the hell is that other than dating?” He stood up, too. “If we’re not dating, then we’re fucking boyfriends.”
My breath came in rapid shards. “Alec, that’s not… we’re not… I’m not ready for anything like that.”
“Ready for what?” Alec was getting more spirited. “Something stable and real? Something long-lasting? Something that grounds you? C’mon, man. Grow up,” He said with a snort.
“No, it’s… it’s not about that…” I couldn’t look at him, and my hands felt shaky.
“Then what the fuck is it about?” Alec was just short of shouting, but his voice boomed around my apartment, and in my head.
I winced. “You’re really freaking me out right now, man.”
“Freaking you out? What the fuck? We just said we loved each other for the first time, and I want to be your boyfriend—I already fucking AM!” He threw his hands above his head. “For fuck’s sake, Mason. Why are you acting like this?”
I was close to hyperventilating. “You’re making me feel trapped.” I moved my shoulder blades against each other in a half-assed self-massage. “Like I can’t breathe.”
“I’m making you feel trapped?” Alec said, both wounded and shocked. “Talking about a real relationship with me—a relationship, not marriage or buying a fucking house—makes you feel trapped?”
“Not you. I just… holy shit… I feel… like… cornered right now.”
His voice rose to a shout. “Does even the idea of something serious with me fucking terrify you?”
He took a step toward me, and I took one back. I saw the offense I was causing all over his face. His red, glossy eyes made my stomach churn.
My body buzzed, and I felt dizzy. “I…” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “I need to get out of here.”
“Get out of where?” Alec said as I walked into the bedroom. “Where are you going?” He followed me. “What are you doing?” I ignored him. “Mason!”
I’d packed so many times in my life I could do it on autopilot. Ten minutes for a work trip; it took me less than three. I always kept my travel toiletry bag pre-packed. Underwear, shirts, pants, and some shoes. My phone changer almost broke when I ripped it out of the wall.
“Mason, what are you doing? What the fuck, man?! Why are you ignoring me?” Alec said as I shoved things in my bag without looking at him.
His tone slipped from angry and offended to scared. “Talk to me, man. Please. If you don’t want to tell HR, then we won’t.”
I couldn’t look at him as I slung my bag over my shoulder and walked out of my room.
“Mason… I…” He followed me out of the bedroom, but I didn’t look back until I was at the front door. “I’m sorry.”
I turned around to see his heart break. Then left.