Chapter 53 Xavier #2
I blinked my tear-blurred eyes, just now realizing how exposed I was.
The sun beat down on the massive main courtyard.
Shadows curved around the marble columns, and celestials and mortals strode along the side passages.
I hadn’t made it as far as I’d thought. My chest heaved and tears spilled as I wrapped my arms around my knees.
“Xavier.” She gripped my shoulder, trying to ground me. “What’s wrong?”
“Everything,” I managed to gasp out, my entire body shaking.
Jaycee tilted her head toward the courtyard of training celestials and grabbed my arm, helping me to my feet. She led me through the maze of hallways, past winding staircases, to her room.
The furs on her bed lay half off, and the plush chair in the corner of the room was draped in leathers and books.
She sighed and led me to the bed, pushing at my chest until I sat on the edge.
She ensured I was steady before moving toward a cutout section of her room.
My head swam, and emotions too complicated to name beat like drums in my ears.
Betrayal felt too juvenile for what I felt.
Birds sang as they flew past her large window, half the world hidden behind her curtains. Life went on, no matter what tragedy any of us faced. Nature was none the wiser to our pain, and that was the true tragedy.
Jaycee returned, holding out a steaming cup of fragrant tea. “Here. It calms my nerves.”
I forced a smile and shook my head. I didn’t think I could keep it down with how my gut was churning. Cameron had lied to me yet again, and this one twisted and shredded my already bruised heart.
She placed the cup on the nightstand and sat next to me. “This is the part where I ask if you want to talk about it, and you decline, then I remind you it’s healthy.”
My chest tightened with an all-too-familiar pain. He had lied about so much that I wasn’t even sure what bits were the source of the poison eating away at my heart. How did I talk about something I couldn’t even define?
“I don’t know if I can.”
Her hand splayed on my shoulder. “Hey, last I checked, I thought we were somewhat friends. Both of us need friends, and I have told you things that would get me in more than a little bit of trouble.”
I sighed. It was true she had. She had also helped me navigate this new world I had found myself in, getting me out of several uncomfortable situations. The truth was, there was no one else. All of my family was lost to me, maybe more so than I had ever realized.
“It’s about Cameron,” I said, and I could hear the grief in my voice when I said his name.
“Oh,” she said, her eyes widening a fraction.
She knew all about The Hand. Who didn’t?
But we had been talking a few days after I arrived, and she had quickly caught on to how my tone changed and my expression shifted when I mentioned him.
Her hand fell from my shoulder as she pivoted, sitting with one leg bent on the bed so she could face me.
“Were you guys in love? Is that why you won’t give Blayne the time of day? ”
I couldn’t help the heartbroken grimace that twisted my face, nor could I miss the sympathy in hers.
“Oh, it’s worse than that. You two never were.”
“We were friends,” I started. “Or so I thought. Blayne showed me today how that was a lie from day one.”
“How would he know?” she asked, her brows drawing.
I stared at my hands where they rested in my lap, running my thumb across my knuckles.
“Because Cameron worked under Athos. On the day my sister died, Cameron’s unit was instructed to take the mission that resulted in her death.
Only they didn’t. We did. I know Cameron.
I know he can get out of any situation if he wishes.
He lied, claiming some injury when really he was hungover and just wanted to sleep in. They showed me the documentation.”
Jaycee’s eyes flattened. “How would they have documentation if it was a secret he kept?”
“Athos manufactured the medical files for an injury that didn’t exist, and when the slaughter happened that killed most of our unit, she buried it and kept Cameron’s lie.
” The words fell from my lips on a weak cry, and my eyes blurred tenfold.
“I lost everything because he was lazy, selfish, and irresponsible.”
“Oh,” she said, compassion filling her eyes.
“That’s not all.”
Jaycee nodded. “Tell me everything.”
“Cameron and I were friends for years, and maybe it was my own fault that I felt more, wanted more, but I did. It seemed he did not, so I didn’t pursue it.
I actually met someone else who was kind, sweet, and loved me.
Someone who wanted me, even if my heart was never truly with him.
Accepting his love for me was wrong when I knew I couldn’t match it.
I was using it as a substitute for what I could not have.
Sometimes, I would let myself pretend I loved him back, but feelings cannot be forced.
The heart cannot lie. It refuses. No matter what I did, my heart always belonged to Cameron. ”
“Did you ever tell him or try to?”
I shook my head. “He was always enamored with someone else. Most were nothing serious, always fleeting trysts throughout the years, all except for one.”
“Who was it?”
I took a shuddering deep breath before exhaling in a huff.
“Elianna. One of the councilors from The Order. I don’t think he knew she worked for Nismera, but I can’t say for sure after all that has happened.
When I found he was sleeping with her, I asked her about it.
I don’t know why I didn’t ask him, but I just couldn’t.
She confirmed their relationship and that it had been going on for a while behind everyone’s back.
Another lie and another deception. He kept secrets from us all.
She threw all kinds of threats at me if I dared to speak of it to anyone.
” I waved my hand dismissively. “Empty threats that meant nothing, and they were unnecessary because the final, fragile hope that I had left broke that day. I hadn’t made up my mind on whether I would try to talk to him about it, and in the end, it was a moot point.
I was already engaged, and when Cameron found out, he erupted at me.
At the time, it was everything I wanted to hear.
Looking back, it was just more proof of his deception, keeping his true feelings a secret from me for so long.
I was angry and confused, but also … happy.
I left to speak to Presley, and in the middle of me calling everything off, Kaden showed up.
He killed Presley in front of me, and then made me into … Well, you saw.”
“Gods, Xavier.” She shook her head. “I’m so sorry.”
“In the beginning of being taken over, I could kind of hear sounds, but it was dark. I think it takes some time for the spell to hollow us out, preparing us to be the perfect soldiers. By the time I could finally see out of my own eyes, even if I could not use my body, I was already in Nismera’s legion, and I never saw Cameron again. Not until today when …”
“Blayne showed you everything?”
I nodded. “He has been with Kaden the whole time, even made a commander under her reign, while I suffered.”
Jaycee rested her hand on mine and squeezed it, seeking to comfort me.
“It seems Samkiel is also working with him,” I said.
“I don’t know what’s going on, and I want to trust them, but …
I can’t forgive Kaden for what he did and what he took.
I don’t understand how they can even stand to be anywhere near them without trying to kill them.
Have they forgotten about me? I thought they loved me. They are my family.”
Jaycee pulled down her collar, revealing a pale scar that ran over her collarbone and disappeared beneath her black athletic shirt. “Sometimes friends, and even family, are not what they are promised to be.”
“I guess they aren’t,” I said, sorrow shredding my heart like a dull blade.