Chapter Twenty-Five
The next afternoon, Caroline went to Kane House with her head up and her tongue firmly in place, ready to deliver any sharp retort that was needed.
But she was surprised, as she so often was these days.
When the butler announced her to Lady Rockford, Caroline saw a fully different side of the woman. This Lady Rockford wore gray velvet and pearls, a sedate combination that was at once unassuming and almost apologetic.
Though she looked every inch a countess, the haughtiness had been scrubbed from her demeanor, and she even offered Caroline her hand.
“My dear Miss Devereux. Please sit down.”
Caroline shook hands and sat, wondering if she were about to fall victim to a plot. Perhaps the tea had been poisoned, or a cake concealed a mousetrap. She did not drink from the cup she was offered, but set it aside to be extra cautious.
“Is Gabriel all right?” Caroline asked. Fear for the man she loved took hold. “Please, is it serious?”
“My son is quite well. Or at least, he will be. He came down with a fever the day after the bullet was removed and the wound bandaged.” Lady Rockford gestured for Caroline to sit when she rose to her feet, ready to run up the stairs if she had to in order to find him. “Please, my dear. The doctor assures me he’s in no danger. If he were, I’d have written sooner.”
That at least explained why Gabriel himself hadn’t written.
Caroline sat down but remained planted on the edge of the cushion. She could not relax. Not until she had clarity. “Why did you want to see me, Lady Rockford?”
“To offer my apology.” The dowager spoke the words with perfect sincerity.
Caroline was shocked; she could not detect any hint of a ploy at work here. Apparently, a countess as formidable as Lady Rockford could speak as plainly as anyone else.
“That’s generous of you,” Caroline said. She remained slightly on her guard. After all, one never knew what to expect in this society.
The dowager couldn’t help laughing quietly. “Interesting. Most other young ladies would assure me there was no need for me to apologize.”
“But you have a reason. You attempted to ruin my life in London. You might even have succeeded; only time will tell.” Caroline couldn’t keep the vehemence from her voice, nor did she want to. She didn’t believe in covering up gross wounds to spare someone else’s blushes.
“I believe you shall be fine, Miss Devereux. My own standing, on the other hand, is rather in jeopardy at the moment.” That came as a shock. The countess gave a wan, bitter smile. “All those years of maintaining the dignity of the earldom, of the Rockford estate; all those years spent keeping up appearances for the ton while my husband tried to drag us all into ruination. All those years of preserving our good name, and now I am the one who’s squandered it all. Is there a word for such folly?”
“Irony, I believe.” Caroline gave a thin, bitter smile.
“Yes. Gabriel said you’d a talent for words.”
At mention of Gabriel’s name, all Caroline’s feelings of smug satisfaction evaporated. Both he and this woman had been victims of the late Earl of Rockford’s cruelty. It didn’t make what Lady Rockford had done right, but it also made her sympathetic.
“I am sorry for you, you know.” Caroline meant it. “I think the old earl was a dreadful man. It can’t have been easy keeping it together over the years.”
“It was not. Nevertheless, I attempted to ruin you in public, and it seems I’ve ruined myself. The Duchess of Ashworth sent me a rather terse letter, saying that, as a woman, I should have more sympathy for the perils of gossip against an unmarried female. Where the duchess goes, society follows. I have not had two of my calls returned these past few days, and hardly any visitors.” Lady Rockford’s voice wavered for only an instant, but it was a slip as revealing as any falling mask. Caroline heard fear and vulnerability, and while she could feel sorry for it, she also felt a flash of rage. That fear and loneliness could have been Caroline’s future, one the dowager had been happy to create when it suited her own goals.
“Perhaps you now understand how frightening it is to have everyone turn against you,” Caroline said hotly.
“I do. But what I did, I did to save my son from being forced to marry to pay a family debt.” The dowager cleared her throat. “I am familiar with such practices, you see. I was forced to marry Gabriel’s father against my own feelings on the matter. It’s a fate I would not wish on anyone.”
Caroline’s anger ebbed a bit; she could scarcely imagine a worse fate. If Lady Rockford had wished to spare her son such misery, Caroline could not hold it against her. “I wish Gabriel had told you that we were in love.”
“He tried. Looking back, I simply didn’t believe it. I thought he was being brave, forcing himself to go through with it.”
Caroline shook her head. Honestly, it was laughable how misguided some people could be. How poorly parents could understand their children. “Do you know your own son so little, my lady? If Gabriel had truly wished to be rid of me, he would have been. He had my own younger brother discover the blackmail letter for him, and when he’d his freedom in hand, he bade Simon put it back in its place.”
The countess looked stunned. “He told me you returned the letter to him!”
“I did. Evidently neither of us is good at holding on to such things.” Caroline sighed. “I wanted him to choose freely.”
“And he did choose.” Lady Rockford regarded Caroline with something like affectionate sadness. “I used to think my son had no head for anything practical. I think now I realize what a fine choice he made in you.”
To have such an estimable lady say such things about her, for Caroline to be perceived as a fine choice for any man, let alone one as impressive as Rockford, was such a change from the usual order of things that she felt almost dizzy. She was not a failure; more than that, she was a triumph. Caroline smiled, feeling more secure in herself than she had in a long time.
“When Gabriel recovers, we’ll marry and all will be well. I admit, I’m not the most talented housekeeper on the planet, but I daresay that with Your Ladyship to help instruct me, I’ll find my way through.” Caroline laughed. But the dowager countess did not even smile.
“Miss Devereux, I asked you to see me for two reasons. The first, to beg your forgiveness for spreading gossip against you and triggering this whole catastrophe.” The dowager lowered her head in shame. “The second, to beg you to have nothing more to do with my son, for your sake as well as his.”
Now Caroline was more than shocked; she was furious.
“My lady, you’ve said yourself that I am right for your son. I assure you, he is right for me. He’s the only man for me, in fact.”
“I do believe it.” Caroline read sincerity in the woman’s voice, which only made her words hurt worse.
“Then why would you ask me to do something that would crush us both?”
“Because then you would both be infamous throughout London, and the infamy would never cease. If you leave my son alone now, in time he’ll be able to regain his standing. People can forget something when there’s advantage in it for them. Gabriel is still the Earl of Rockford, still wealthy and titled. In time, this embarrassment will be a mild amusement to be spoken about over a game of cards, a harmless eccentricity.”
True. Gabriel would be able to do far more harm and suffer less of it than she could. Anger knotted in the pit of her stomach.
“Men’s reputations are far more elastic than women’s,” Caroline said shortly.
“It’s not fair, but it’s true. It’s my husband’s fault, and my fault, that the Rockford reputation is so firmly in jeopardy. I’m sorry, but if you marry my son, the speculation will never cease. The ton will wonder forever what the truth of the matter was, who was innocent and who guilty. You will both be objects of curiosity, nothing more. Gabriel would never be able to repair the damage his parents have done to the legacy.” The woman regarded Caroline with wide, hopeful eyes. She was begging for help, desperate and against a wall, struggling to save her family in a way that Caroline understood only too well.
Caroline felt chilled as she recalled Gabriel’s words regarding a promise made to his brother. If she married him, Gabriel would not be able to keep it. And she knew that no matter how long he lived and no matter how happily married they were, part of him would always mourn the final loss of reputation. The final breach in a promise made to his brother.
She knew that Gabriel would want to marry her still. The man had faced disgrace and even death for her; he would not give her up for something like this.
Not now, when there was still time to change course.
Caroline and her family would gain more in this marriage than they would lose. Money and security were worth a great deal more than a spotless reputation, many might argue.
But Caroline truly understood love now, and love was more than heated words, sinful caresses, and painful desire. Granted, those were all wonderful parts of it, but true love was caring for someone else more than yourself. More than for anyone else in the world.
If I marry Gabriel, I’ll be taking away the thing he wants most.
Caroline fought against tears; it would do no good to cry now.
“Why couldn’t you have just left well enough alone?” she asked.
“For what it’s worth, I am truly sorry.” The dowager seemed to recognize Caroline’s decision and looked even more miserable. “I see now you would have made a formidable Countess of Rockford.”
“Losing the title’s not what irritates me.” Caroline dashed a single angry tear from her cheek. “May I see him before I go?”
“All right. He’s a bit grumpy when he’s lain up, I warn you.”
Caroline couldn’t help smiling. “I think that’s the way I like him best.”
She followed Lady Rockford up the stairs and along a hallway until they arrived outside of Gabriel’s door. Caroline could have simply found her own way—she’d been here before, after all. That night, that wild and incredible night, came back to her on an incoming tide of memory.
Then Caroline entered the chamber and the door was shut behind her.
“Mother? What is it?” Gabriel should have been in bed, but he was seated in an armchair.
He was both a comical sight and a godly one; his bandaged foot was elevated upon a stool, and there was a bleary, unfocused light in his green eyes that suggested he’d taken a narcotic for the pain. But the unbuttoned shirt revealed a generous slice of his chest, and his sleeves were rolled to display the chiseled marvel of his forearms.
A lock of black hair curled before his eyes. He looked sensual, something fully of the earth. She wanted to sink into him, press her body to his and never part from him.
For years, she’d felt like she was only a brain. He’d shown her how glorious it was to have a body.
“Caro?” He sat up, his body electric with hope.
She couldn’t help herself. Caroline went to him, letting him encircle her waist with his arms, letting him drag her onto his good knee. His soft, thick hair was sliding through her fingers, and then he was kissing her. She kissed him until she forgot how to breathe, reveling in the heat of his body and his clean, manly scent.
When she was here with him, like this, there was no danger.
“I’m glad to know you’re real.” His words were a powerful rumble in his chest, and she shivered as he kissed the side of her neck and his teeth lightly grazed her earlobe. “I wrote to you, but the doctor said I should wait ’til I had my senses all back. The med’cine,” he muttered, his tongue slipping on the word. Caroline giggled. “It made me spell evr’ything wrong.”
“Like your father?” She kissed his cheek. “That’s the only way you’ve ever resembled him.”
“He’s the one who got me into all this trouble.” Gabriel kissed her lips gently, kissed the corner of her mouth with the softest care. “But then again, he brought you into my life. At least, his letter did.”
“I have been the very definition of trouble.”
“Don’t say that,” he growled.
Even in his lightly drugged state, the way he wanted her was clear. His breath was hot against her throat. Gabriel kissed her there, kissed her several times, and Caroline couldn’t be strong enough to pull away. To think this was everything she was losing.
I will never write a story of heartbreak ever again , she thought bitterly. How could she have written so many tales of love gone wrong? It was cruelty itself to the characters.
“I need to tell you something.” Caroline must break with him now, or she would never find the courage. “I’m sorry. We can’t be married.”
“What?” Gabriel was clearly taken aback. “Of course we can. Let me get this blasted foot healed, and we’ll have the banns read.”
“It’s not that I don’t love you. But I can’t see a way forward for either of us, not together.” Caroline moved quickly, slid off his lap and back onto her own two feet. Lord, she was so tired of standing on her own. “Gabriel, please understand.”
“Is this you speaking? Or is this the medicine?” He put his feet to the ground, ready to stand, and then winced and cursed. He bent over, muttering about his blasted foot.
“It’s me, and I’m sorry.” Caroline was going to burst into tears if she didn’t leave now. She backed away toward the door. “But if we marry, the gossip will never die down. You’ll never be able to restore your family name. I’ve endangered you over and over again—”
“What are you saying?” Gabriel barked. He now understood that she was serious, and he looked so raw and almost feral with pain that it broke her.
“I’m saying that something good can’t come out of a tale that’s so badly begun.” She was crying now, but she wouldn’t yield. He needed her to be strong. “Think of it. I blackmailed you, then we fought endlessly, then there was a scandal, and then you were shot! It’s proof that we’re a disaster together.”
“You are the only thing in my life that hasn’t been a disaster.” Despite the obvious pain, Gabriel forced himself to his feet. His jaw clenched, but he found his way toward her. “Don’t you dare walk out that door. Caroline! For God’s sake, I need you!”
Indeed, he needed her as she needed him. He was essential to her. But Caroline had muddled through without many essentials for much of her life.
“Everything will be all right soon. You’ll see.”
With that, she rushed out the door and slammed it behind her. Caroline was on the street in no time, hastening homeward with nary a glance back. Her heart was pounding and shattering, but she pressed on. She couldn’t be seen weeping openly in the middle of the street, especially not leaving Kane House.
She knew that, as soon as possible, Gabriel would come after her. So she must ensure she was nowhere to be found.
…
Damn the doctors and damn the pain. He hadn’t been able to go after Caroline when she left. He’d been so delirious he’d fallen down the last several steps and had to be helped back upstairs. Gabriel had yelled for doctors, still feverish, cajoled and threatened them until they’d told him how to get back on his feet as quickly as possible. It had taken a full night’s rest before he could see straight enough to be any use. The instant he was able to stand unaided, he was ready.
Gabriel swallowed the pills they’d given him, forced his injured foot into a boot, and all but flung himself into his carriage.
He’d shaved, he’d combed his hair, he’d put on a jacket, and now he arrived outside Devereux House. Gabriel ignored the stares and murmurs as he stumped up to the door and knocked hard.
“Hello, my lord.” The butler opened and made Gabriel a diminutive bow. “Miss Devereux cannot see you, I’m afraid.”
“She can’t hide upstairs all day. Tell her to come down at once.”
“Please, milord, she is not home.”
“When will she be back?”
“We don’t know, sir. We don’t know where she’s gone, either.” The older man appeared rather dejected. “She left early this morning, before the sun had risen. Lord Devereux accompanied her; His Lordship told us that he would return in a few days, but Miss Devereux would not.”
Gabriel braced his hands on the doorframe and thought. Had she gone north? West? To France? To America? To a convent, to a circus, it didn’t matter. She had left him behind.
She was trying to protect him, and he didn’t want that protection. Gabriel knew it made him wretched, but he no longer cared about that promise to Phillip. He wanted Caroline. She was all he knew now, and all he wished to know.
“Who knows where she went?” he growled.
“Only the baron, sir. Miss Devereux left instructions it should remain so. I’m sorry, sir. That’s all I’m at liberty to say.”
Gabriel wheeled about and returned to his carriage. Every step on his injured foot was like another gunshot in his brain, yet he did not care.
He traveled home, his mind turning faster than the carriage wheels. Caroline could be anywhere in the world.
Well, Gabriel had seen much of the world. He knew where to look.