CHAPTER 7 #2
More heat rushed to my face, spreading down my neck until I could feel it everywhere. The words gets off replayed in my head, turning my thoughts bright and flustered until I was sure the whole room could see the blush burning through me.
I was such a freak.
His breath was brushing my skin, though, his arm still grazing mine, and every nerve felt alive and traitorous.
It was too much. Too close. Too good.
And the worst part was that I knew he was just being friendly. But to me, it felt like the universe was whispering that I’d never really escape him.
My eyes darted down to my desk. I couldn’t look at him and survive it.
He’s still waiting for me to respond, I realized after a second…when he still hadn’t pulled away. My throat felt tight, though, and it was like my mind had gone blank. I finally managed a weak smile and a small nod, staring at the scratched surface of my desk instead of him.
His voice slipped in quietly, like he was sharing a secret meant only for me. “What’s your name?”
For a heartbeat, my entire body lit up. I’d imagined this moment so many times, him asking, him wanting to know me. My lips parted, breath catching, ready to give him everything.
But then it hit me…yesterday. His voice. The words he’d said. Clingy. Desperate. Pathetic. I could still hear them, feel them, in fact, like they were a piece of me now.
If he knew it was me, the girl who’d been watching, following, memorizing every piece of him…he’d hate me. He already did.
The light inside me flickered and went out.
I swallowed, my throat tight, the words coming out barely louder than a breath. “It doesn’t matter.” They scraped their way out of me, rough and splintered, leaving something raw and bleeding behind.
But he didn’t look away. His head tilted slightly, a crease forming between his brows like he couldn’t quite believe what he’d heard. He leaned in a little closer, voice softer this time, almost disbelieving. “What did you just say?”
My hand trembled against the desk. I pressed it flat, forcing myself to stay still, to hold it together even as every part of me threatened to crack open right there in front of him.
“Mr. Adler.” The professor’s annoyed tone cut through, and the moment broke. Matty straightened, muttering an apology, and the class snickered. I wanted to disappear with so many eyes on me.
But his quiet didn’t last long. He started tapping the pencil I’d given him against the desk, the sound soft but relentless, like a pulse I couldn’t block out. Every few minutes, his voice found me again…low, teasing, impossible to ignore.
“Come on,” he murmured once, close enough that I could feel the warmth of his breath. “You don’t look like a Sarah.”
Another time, “You’re really not gonna tell me? Not even your first initial?”
Then, with a grin I could hear even without looking, “Guess I’ll just call you my hero for now.”
Each word tugged at something inside me, loosening the threads I’d spent the last twenty-four hours trying to tie down. I kept telling myself I wouldn’t answer. That I wouldn’t give him the part of me that still ached to belong to him.
Then he spoke again, softer, more thoughtful this time. “Didn’t know my hero was gonna be the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.”
The world tilted. My heart stopped, my breath right along with it. Beautiful? I hadn’t even brushed my hair. I’d thrown on a sweatshirt, dark circles under my eyes, the remnants of yesterday’s tears probably still smudged on my cheeks.
My mind scrambled to make sense of it. He couldn’t mean it. Not really. Maybe he did know who I was already. Maybe this was his revenge. A sick joke to get back at the stalker who’d been pathetic enough to follow him for months.
My stomach turned cold. I stared straight ahead, not daring to move, not daring to breathe, every part of me caught between wanting to disappear and wanting him to say it again.
By the time class ended, my nerves were shredded.
Every second of that hour had been a slow, exquisite kind of torture…
his arm brushing mine when he shifted, the scrape of his pencil against paper, the sound of his voice when he asked a question.
It was too much stimulation, too much proximity, too much him.
I’d spent months watching him from a distance, building him up into something untouchable, and now he was right there, talking to me, looking at me, saying things that didn’t make sense.
Compliments that short-circuited my brain.
Every rule I’d made for myself was unraveling, and I couldn’t keep up with the pieces falling apart inside me.
I fumbled my things into my bag the second the professor dismissed us, my hands shaking so hard I dropped my notebook twice.
I could barely breathe, let alone think.
I just needed out, needed to get away from the weight of his attention that pressed down on me like it knew every one of my weaknesses.
But, of course, he followed, falling into step beside me like it was the most natural thing in the world.
“Hey,” he said, softer this time. “Thanks again. For the pencil.”
I froze again, my tongue glued to the roof of my mouth, every word I might have said dissolving before it could form. My brain scrambled for something, anything, that wouldn’t sound like I was coming apart inside.
Finally, I managed to breathe, my voice barely steady. “You already said that.”
“Doesn’t mean I don’t mean it.” His grin curved easy, but there was something heavier underneath it. “It was the only thing keeping me from turning in a blank page. That deserves at least a name in return.”
I bit my lip, the corner of my notebook digging into my fingers as I fought the urge to smile, to give in, to let him pull me back under.
“Matty!”
His teammate Garrett’s voice cut through the hallway, casual, teasing, and familiar. And just like that, the air shifted.
The name slammed into me like a punch, dragging yesterday back in brutal clarity—his voice in that hallway, so cruel. Clingy, desperate, freak. Garrett standing next to him.
My stomach twisted. Whatever warmth had been in my chest turned to stone.
I forced a breath, straightened my shoulders, and stepped toward the sunlight spilling through the doors.
The moment I pushed them open, the cold rushed in to meet me, biting at my cheeks and clawing down my throat.
It stole my breath, but maybe that was better.
Maybe the shock of it could freeze everything burning inside me.
“Hey!” His voice followed me out into the cold, carrying too easily across the quad. “Can’t wait to see you again, most beautiful girl in the world!”
My entire body locked. Heads turned. A few students laughed.
Mortification flooded through me, hot and stinging, and I ducked my head, hurrying faster. My pulse thudded in my ears as I turned the nearest corner, out of sight, out of reach, pressing my back against the brick wall like I needed something solid to hold me upright.
I squeezed my eyes shut, whispering the words over and over, a prayer and a punishment all at once. “I’m done. I’m done. I’m done.” I wanted to believe it. I wanted to feel the clean break of something ending. But it didn’t come.
Because I wasn’t done.
The pull was still there, wanting and aching, dragging me toward him no matter how much I fought it.
My body felt hijacked, every muscle keyed up and desperate to move closer.
Before I even realized what I was doing, I was leaning forward, peeking around the corner like my body had stopped taking orders from me.
He was easy to spot. Because of course he was.
Matty was walking beside Garrett and Jace, moving through the crowd like they owned it. Garrett was laughing at something Jace said, and Jace, animated and loud as ever, was talking with his hands, grinning like even he was amused by what he was saying.
My hands were still shaking so badly I had to clasp them together, and my nails were biting into my palms. I told myself to stop, to turn away, to keep walking. Instead, I followed. One step, then another. Slow. Careful. Shame rising higher with every breath.
The crowd of students thickened, swallowing the trio for a moment. But I still tracked him, searching for the dark sweep of his hair, the easy rhythm of his stride, the way his shoulder brushed Jace’s in that familiar way like they’d known each other their whole lives.
A girl appeared that I didn’t recognize from the ones who usually tried to get his attention.
She was pretty, confident, her smile one that had probably worked a thousand times before.
She reached for his arm, leaning in, saying something that made her lips curve wider.
My stomach dropped so fast I thought I might be sick.
I braced myself for the grin I knew so well.
But it didn’t come.
His expression shifted, hardening, his reply short enough that she froze. The smile faltered on her face, and she slipped back into the current of students, disappearing with a few backward, longing glances.
Garrett and Jace both turned to look at him, the same puzzled expressions flickering across their faces.
Garrett raised an eyebrow, and Jace’s grin faltered for half a second, like they were both wondering what the hell that had been about.
But Matty just kept walking, his jaw tight, his eyes fixed straight ahead.
My chest clenched. It wasn’t relief that filled me…
relief would have been mercy. It was something worse.
Because even if he could look at her like that, dismissive and distant, it didn’t matter.
He would never look at me at all if he knew the truth.
Even if this morning hadn’t been just a cruel joke, nothing would still make it mean something.
The ache hollowed me out, leaving behind a silence that hurt to touch.
I stopped walking. My body felt heavy, like the air itself didn’t want to let me move. I wrapped my arms around my middle, pressing hard, trying to keep from coming apart. Finally…I turned around.
Each step away felt like wading through wet sand—slow, impossible, suffocating. I could still hear Jace’s laugh cutting through the noise of the crowd, though, and I walked faster, willing it to fade.
Because I had made a promise. And even if I kept breaking it every time he breathed, I had to keep trying.