Chapter Seven
“W ould you rather spend every day of your life having to lick a peach or a kiwi?” Piper asked the moment August answered her call.
August spluttered. “What?”
Piper laughed as she glanced each way down the dark street, lit by city lights. “That was some guy’s opening gambit today. A peach or a kiwi.”
“Was there at least a greeting to go with it?”
“There was not.” Piper waved in thanks at the two drivers who had stopped to allow her to cross the road, attempting to dodge the freezing cold puddles that lingered on the ground.
“Weird.” August hummed. “I suppose it’s better than not sending a message, but what a weird opener.”
“Indeed.”
“Did you answer?”
“No.” She laughed again. “I commented that it was an unusual opening question, and his reply was… well, maybe you don’t want to know what his reply was.”
“Oh, no. I definitely do.”
“Are you sure? Because once you know, you can’t unknow it.”
August laughed lightly. “Oh, I’m sure. I’m certain it’s going to be weird as hell and probably hilarious.”
Piper sighed. “I long for the day when it’s simply hilarious and no longer icky.”
“Ah, so really good then.”
“Ugh. He said he was asking because he enjoys having his ass cheeks licked and my answer was going to be indicative of how… satisfied I’d leave him.”
August was silent for a beat longer than normal conversation dictated. “What?”
“You heard me.” Piper laughed. “And, apparently, so did the group waiting outside that bar. Hey, it’s good to be part of a story.”
“They’re both fuzzy…”
“I know that. But, you have to admit, they are different kinds of fuzz.”
“I… guess so. I mean, it’s not like I usually eat the skin of a kiwi. Especially not the particularly fuzzy ones.”
“I’m guessing he wanted to make it clear that his ass wasn’t… apple-smooth, should we say?”
“Ew. Do you mind? I’ve got a bowl full of apples on my table right now.”
Piper laughed. “Enjoy thinking about that when you eat them.”
“If you keep talking, I’m bringing them all to you and making you eat them.”
“As long as you’re not bringing a bag full of peaches and kiwis, we’re golden.”
“So…” August said, drawing the word out, “do we think he was the peach or the kiwi?”
“Oh, let’s be real, he was the kiwi. A peach, you can compare that to your butt with no issues. If someone shows up and is exposed to your butt and it’s got peach fuzz, nobody bats an eyelid. You wouldn’t bring it up. It’s not worth it. But why would you pick kiwi if you weren’t rocking short, slightly stabby hairs?”
“Yeah, good point.” She paused. “And, actually, either is fine in the grand scheme of things, but that being your opening gambit because you’re immediately asking someone you’ve never met to lick your ass every day? That’s weird regardless of the fruit you pick.”
“I don’t know, if he’d gone with dragon fruit, I might have been intrigued enough to let it slide.”
August laughed. “There are bigger questions if your ass looks like the outside of a dragon fruit.”
“Fair point.” Piper giggled. “So, how’s it going with you?”
“What—dating?”
“Sure. You know, that, life, whatever?”
“Well, in the twelve hours since I last spoke to you,” she said, amused, “I’ve had three more women like my profile, but not one message.”
“Yeah, I learned to get comfortable, really quickly, with making the first move, especially when it was a woman. We’re not exactly taught that’s an okay thing for us to do.”
“I know. I can’t believe not one of them has asked me to lick their ass.”
“Oh, just give it time.”
“Can’t wait.”
She laughed. “Somehow, if you message the women in question, I’m certain they won’t lead with that.”
“Yeah, we can hope. Although, maybe I should make it my opening line. If that doesn’t scare them off, maybe that’s a sign they’re a keeper.”
“I think, if you don’t have the fuzz to follow through with, that might be a waste of a question. They probably just end up disappointed.”
“Ah. Do you think?”
“Mm, a little.”
August laughed. “Cool. So, I’ll try something else then.”
“Probably for the best.” Piper stopped outside the art gallery where she was meeting her friends, ducking under an awning to avoid any further rain that might surprise her. “And how’s Ford doing?”
August sighed. “Eh. He’s okay. Better than yesterday, for sure.”
“That’s good. Though, I’m sure having a caring sister ensure you’re eating regular meals and getting some actual sleep helps loads.”
“I’m doing what I can. It is still just a couch he’s stuck sleeping on. Pull-out or not, a couch is still a couch.”
“Better than a table.”
“You’re not wrong there.”
“Although, to be fair, I don’t think I’ve ever slept on a table, so I guess I can’t vouch for their comfort levels.”
August laughed. “You know, same. I’ve done other things on a table, but never slept there.”
Piper’s eyebrows shot up and she smirked. “Have you indeed?”
“Maybe I’ll tell you about it another time,” she replied, laughing.
“I can’t wait to hear that whole story.”
“I’m sure you can’t.” The roll of her eyes was practically audible.
Piper laughed. “Either way, I’m still betting your couch is better than barely sleeping for a week.”
“Yeah, I can’t argue that. He’s back at work tonight, though, so hopefully he’ll still be okay tomorrow.”
“He’s fed, rested, and, I assume, coming home to your place again. I think he’ll be okay. And I’m sure he’s grateful.”
“Oh, believe me, I know. He’s barely stopped saying it.”
“Hey, he’s a sweetheart. Nothing wrong with that.”
She snorted. “You haven’t even met him. I haven’t told you about how he once pulled Barbie’s head off because I wouldn’t let her marry Ken.”
“Scandalous. Who was she marrying instead?”
August hesitated. “Christie.”
“Cute.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’ve always been a screaming homosexual. It’s fine.”
Piper laughed. “It’s adorable.”
“Thank you. But anyway, Ford is both a sweetheart and a menace, and hopefully, he’s doing better now. Should I let you get to your thing, though? Because I can tell you’ve stopped walking, so I’m guessing you’re there.”
“How very astute of you.”
“That was always how my teachers described me.”
“Was it?”
“No.”
Piper grinned, shook her head, and sighed. “I suppose I should head in before they send out a rescue party for me. But keep me posted on how making the first messaging move goes.”
“Will do. Keep me posted if any more guys ask you about kiwis.”
Piper shuddered. “I will, but I genuinely hope that’s not something I have to worry about tonight.”
They hung up and Piper quickly headed inside, eager to get out of the cold, wet night now that she wasn’t talking to August. Despite the groups milling around and talking, her heels still clicked audibly against the polished gallery floor.
“Hey, you made it,” Shea said as Piper joined the group. “Not a moment too soon. I was about to go make a new friend.”
Piper turned to where she indicated. Across the large entrance hall from them, there was an androgynous person with a faux hawk, an ear full of piercings, and a leather jacket with the sleeves rolled up to reveal two arms full of tattoos. Very much Shea’s type.
“They’ve been making eyes at each other for about twenty minutes now,” Hermes said, shaking his head, his dark curls bobbling with the movement. “I should have been taking bets on who’d give in first and approach the other.”
“Who would your money have been on?” Piper asked.
He shot her a look. “Shea, obviously. The fact that she’s been this patient is a wonder.”
Shea rolled her eyes. “I was waiting for Piper to arrive.”
Piper grinned. “My apologies. Don’t let me hold you back.”
“You’re not even late,” Massima said, sweetly. “We were just really early.”
“Good to know,” Piper said, checking her watch. “I was talking to August on the way over, so—”
“So you could have been late and not even noticed time flying,” Hermes said, shooting her a pointed look.
She frowned, holding her hands up in question. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing,” he said lightly, but there was something in his expression.
Shea nudged her gently as she started across the hall. “He’s just jealous you’ve got a new friend.”
“I’m not jealous .” He rounded on Piper as Shea fled the scene. “I’m just saying you talk about her all the time but none of us have even gotten to meet her yet. Are you sure you’re not dating her and refusing to tell us?”
Piper laughed. “Definitely not dating her. We’re just friends helping each other out with the dating scene.”
“Sure you are,” Hermes said, shaking his head. “Shall we head into the exhibition? I’m assuming Shea will catch up. Or not, depending on how well that whole thing is going.”
The group glanced over to Shea, where things seemed to be going very well if her expressions and body language were anything to go by. And, after ensuring Shea saw which way they were headed, they stepped through an ornate doorway into the first room of the evening.
By the time they’d made it to their third doorway of the night and into a deep red room, Shea still had not caught up with them, but, as the group separated slightly, lingering by paintings that spoke to each of them, Hermes sidled up to Piper’s side.
“You know,” he said, keeping his voice low, “if you are dating August, we’d support that for you.”
Piper shot him a look. “I’m really not. We had a deal to support each other through bad dates, and it turns out we have a lot in common and get along. We’re friends.”
“Massima says you talk to her basically every day.”
“I talk to you basically every day. That’s just how I am with friends.” She paused, her eyes lingering over the soft blue swirls of a sea painted on canvas, before she turned to look directly at Hermes. “I didn’t realize meeting her meant so much to you.”
He waved her off. “It’s not a big deal. I just…”
Piper looped her arm through his and moved them along to the next painting. “Like our group and don’t want it to change.”
“I’m not afraid of change.”
“I know that.”
He sniffed, staring up at the large canvas before them. “I just care about the things happening in your life.”
Piper knew it was more than that. The idea of losing this little group, this family he’d pieced together, terrified Hermes more than he liked to let on. Hermes knew it, Piper knew it, and Hermes knew she did.
She also knew he sometimes needed to not be the one acknowledging that. He was working on it in therapy.
She squeezed his arm a little tighter. “I’m not going anywhere. We’re family. And I think you’ll like August. She’s funny and cool.”
He shot her a look, the quick emotion of her promise fleeing from his eyes before he felt like he’d exposed himself too much. “Can she handle sarcasm?”
Piper laughed quietly. “Yes, she can handle that.”
“Good, because that’s how I show love.”
“Oh, believe me, we know.”
“And I’m excited to meet her at some point.”
“Yeah. Me too, actually. We talk a lot, but we’ve only been in the same room that one time.”
Hermes frowned, looking at her. “Really? I assumed… Well, I guess you know what they say about assuming.”
Piper shot him a grin. “She’s been really busy helping her brother.”
“What’s wrong with him?”
“Hermes!” Piper protested, nudging him. “There’s nothing wrong with him.”
He rolled his eyes. “Not like that. Just, like, why does he need help?”
“Oh.” Piper relaxed, shaking her head, and told Hermes a loose, general overview kind of version of what was going on with Ford. August hadn’t told her to keep it quiet, but she still didn’t want to push her luck.
“Where does he work?” Hermes asked when she was done.
“Arcade Diner.”
“That’s only like fifteen minutes from my place,” he said quietly. “We’d have to meet first and work out all the details and stuff, but, if he needs a new place, I do have a spare room.”
Piper smiled softly at him. That was Hermes all over—snarky on the outside, but sweet and giving on the inside. “You sure you wouldn’t mind someone else in your space?”
“Hm. How hot is he?”
Piper laughed. “I have no idea.”
“I’m just kidding, to be clear.” He shot her a look. “But, yeah, depending on us getting along and it seeming like a good match, he might as well use the room. It’s not like I’m getting much from the space at present.”
She wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “You’re a good one, Hermes.”
“Ugh. Yeah, yeah, don’t go telling everyone. You’ll ruin my reputation.”
“What reputation?”
“My cool reputation,” he said, laughing. “You know, British accent, mysterious, brooding eyes… The whole thing.”
She walked backwards, looking at him as she headed into the next gallery space. “I hate to break it to you, but I think everyone knows you’re a sweetheart inside that tea-drinking exterior.”
“I drink other things,” he protested with a scowl.
“Sure you do. But don’t they, like, revoke your passport if you don’t get your daily recommended allowance of tea?”
“That’s not a thing.”
“I’m pretty sure it is. I think I read it somewhere.”
“Did nobody ever teach you not to believe everything you read on the internet?”
“Oh, my god. What? No. They absolutely did not.”
“Ah, well. Perhaps we should have words with the powers that be.”
“Indeed. I’m woefully unprepared for the modern world.”
“Clearly. Couldn’t even end up on a date with the right woman.”
Piper stopped walking, staring at him, aghast. “Whoa. Big talk, mister.”
He grinned, his eyes crinkling and his whole face brightening. “Is that not what happened?”
“I made it to the right woman in the end.”
“Who turned out to be the wrong woman.”
“Well, yeah, but that’s dating.”
He bobbed his head up and down. “Indeed it is.”
She took his arm again as they were approaching Massima. “And, don’t worry, if I ever do manage to find the right one in this whole dating debacle, you’ll still be stuck with me.”
Something vulnerable flashed across his face. “Yeah?”
“Of course. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.” Her mom and dad wouldn’t stand for it either. They’d adopted Hermes just as hard as she had. Unfortunately, though, he’d experienced too much shit to fully comprehend that they weren’t going to leave him.
“You know what I bet wasn’t easy?” Massima said, catching the very end of Piper’s sentence. “Painting with all this texture.”
Piper looked at the piece she was admiring, twisting her head to the side to see the relief created by what could only have been a palette knife, and felt her heart warm at the happy little expression on Hermes’ face.
“Good point,” he said, joining Massima in leaning closer to the piece. “Quite exquisite work to get this level of detail with that style.”
Piper watched the two of them, her mind slipping back to August. She and August were friends, and Piper’s friends wanted to meet her—and Piper wanted to see her in person again. Plus, she had potentially good news about a room for Ford to share with her. That was the kind of thing best delivered in person.
She slipped out her phone quickly, hoping it wasn’t a condition of their friendship that they only talked via phone, and fired off a quick message asking August if she wanted to get coffee together again.
She wasn’t going to let the next time they saw each other be while August was meeting all of her friends—or while they were facilitating a ‘new potential roommates’ meeting between Ford and Hermes.