14. tallulah
TALLULAH
NO SAFE WORD
I had a one on one scheduled with Andrew, a writing block to finish my overview of the library’s activities in eighteen-ninety, and a group meeting where we discussed updates on our papers.
All of which I was desperate to wrap up.
As soon as I could, I hurried to the bus. I was breathing so hard it was audible.
It’d taken every ounce of my courage to tell Nick that I wanted sex.
And I couldn’t believe I did it.
I did it! Me!
Internally, I struggled with the emotional aspect of it.
Not just having sex with no strings attached, but sex with an infamous playboy, and Fridge’s friend.
It went against…me. Or, at least, everything I thought about myself.
Regardless, I refused to let that hold me back anymore.
Fuck it. I wanted a summer worth remembering.
I forced myself into action. I sprinted to Nick’s house, knocked on his door, and refused to bolt back to the bus stop. No more being scared.
There was a scuffle behind the door. Feet pounded down the stairs, and the door whisked open.
Nick gazed down at me, hair tousled, grinning. “Hey—”
“Hi—”
“I was going to call you—”
“I want to clarify, I can’t have sex with you.” My face flamed. “I mean, yet!” I dropped my voice, very aware of the TV blaring in the living room. “Not because I don’t want to, but—”
“Because you’re an anxious person,” Nick finished for me.
I blinked. “Who told you?”
Silence lapsed between us. “Uh…”
I glanced down at myself, me gripping the purse with pale knuckles, my foot nervously tapping against the ground. Oh. Duh. I was a walking advertisement for Lexapro.
“Right.” I held up my notebook in my left hand, embarrassed. “I have a list of non-negotiables for our—um—friends with benefits arrangement?”
“Benefits arrangement.” Nick chuckled. His eyes dropped to the box in my hand. “What’s that?”
“Leash and harness.” The blush darkened. “To walk the cat.”
Nick stepped aside. “Do you want to come inside or solicit at the door?”
“Definitely come inside.” I closed the door behind me. “Of the—uh—house, I mean.”
Nick’s grin widened. While I slipped off my shoes, I could feel him watching me. His teammates were teasing us from the living room, and Nick called them off, touching my back as he led me upstairs.
Oh my god.
Every touch sent a thrill through me. His fingers curled along my hip, caressing me. Nick really earned that playboy title. He was stroking me like the strings of an instrument.
Rat was happy to see me but less than enthusiastic when it came to the leash and harness. It took me a minute to fit it properly. She meowed like I was committing a serious betrayal against her, scrambling to get away.
“Why are you harnessing our cat?” Nick complained.
I glanced up. “Our cat?”
“Your cat,” he corrected himself. “The cat.”
“You said ‘our cat.’”
“I say a lot of things that don’t make sense—don’t look at me like that.” Nick huffed. “Whatever. That cat’s on my shit list. She almost killed me.”
“How did she do that?”
“I woke up and she was laying on my mouth—I thought I was suffocating to death.”
“She sleeps with you?”
“What? No. I mean—well—” Nick followed me out of the bedroom, gesturing to my notebook. “Are we going to talk about the rules or did you write them for decoration?”
I made my way downstairs. Not only did I not want to be within earshot of his teammates, I wanted Rat to get a little physical exercise. I waited until we were in the front yard and set Rat down on the grass, in her adorable, bright purple harness.
She wasn’t pleased.
Rat’s golden eyes flickered to Nick. “Meow.”
“I didn’t put you in it.” Nick threw his hands up. “Don’t look at me.”
For this incredibly important conversation, I wanted peace, quiet, and privacy. I tugged Rat along on her leash, carefully scanning the street for anyone outside.
“Rat’s not walking,” Nick commented. “You’re just dragging her.”
“That’s normal for a cat’s first time with a harness, I researched it,” I told him, craning my neck for spying neighbors. “A lot of cats do this.”
“Why are you harnessing her? This is sad.”
“I want Rat to spend time outdoors.”
“Then let her outside.”
I shook my head. “She’d kill every bird.”
“Mrowww,” Rat moaned, dragging on the concrete. “Mrowww.”
“I can’t watch this,” Nick muttered, scooping up Rat by the harness, bringing her to the nearest tree. The kitten latched on like velcro. As soon as Rat felt the bark of the tree, her claws sank in. She rushed to the first branch, laying down, paws draped over, leash dangling down.
Nick pointed to my notebook. “Rules, Tallulah. Focus.”
I scanned the list like I hadn’t read it over and over on the bus.
Anxiety flickered inside and I chose to ignore it.
“Um, this arrangement will be over at the end of the summer. Nobody from Marrs will find out about this.” I peeked over my paper.
“I’m upset with Fridge, but I don’t want to hurt him. ”
Nick gazed at me for a moment, eyebrows furrowed. Like he wanted to say something but didn’t know how. “We can’t…at Marrs?”
“It wouldn’t be a good idea.”
He pressed his lips together, silent. Slowly, he nodded, looking away. “Alright.”
“I don’t want oral sex involved.”
“I’ve been trying to figure it out—what does that mean? No blowjobs?”
“No, those are fine—” I blushed. “I mean no—erm—cunnilingus—”
“No eating pussy?” he demanded, appalled.
“Oh my god, lower your voice!” I whispered, stealing a look at the empty street.
“Why is that a rule?”
“I—I can’t finish from it,” I confessed. “Guys end up irritated, and it gets so uncomfortable, and when I’m frustrated, I cry. It’s not fun for anyone—”
Nick blew out a long breath. “Is that it? Rules wise?”
“No. I don’t like cutesy nicknames.”
“These are a lot of rules, Tallulah.”
“Cutesy nicknames make sex so awkward! ‘Daddy’ or ‘pookie’ or ‘baby’—oh my god, ‘baby’ is so—” I stuck out my tongue, grossed out. “I think it’s because my dad calls my mom ‘sugar puss.’ It’s gross.”
“I’m noticing a theme,” Nick remarked, a cryptic tone to his words.
“What theme?”
“I’ll tell you when you’re finished. How many more rules?”
My eyes dropped to the list, stomach clenching. “Just one more.”
“Okay, because—”
“No safe word.”
“What?!”
I knew that’d be his reaction. The blush seared across my skin. I tried to be casual, walking a tight circle around the tree to avoid the shock on his face, but I forgot about the leash. Rat made a sharp meow—I almost ripped her off the branch.
“What are you talking about?” Nick grabbed me by the shoulder, bringing me back. “Tallulah!”
“I don’t want one!”
“How could you say no safe word?”
“Why are you so loud?” I begged.
“I’m not the one who said—” He pointed at the list. “Fuck, Tallulah. That’s the wrong playbook—”
“These are non-negotiables!”
“No.” Nick pinched the bridge of his nose. “Tallulah, we have to talk as adults. I won’t be condescending, I promise. We need to have a conversation about this.”
“I don’t want a safe word—”
Nick draped his arm on the branch above me, pinning me against the trunk.
He took a long, deep breath, seeming to consider his words.
“There’s logic and then there’s sex logic.
When you’re turned on, it’s different. Things that seem embarrassing as fuck in the real world can become really hot or really needed in the moment. ”
I was flustered from how close he was. It was hard to argue. “I—I don’t—”
“You don’t understand?”
“That sounds silly, doesn’t it? Sex logic?”
“That’s because you’re underfucked, Tallulah.”
My heart pounded against my rib cage. “I—I—”
“Sex. Is. Different. You see someone staring at you for two minutes out in the real world, that’s fucking weird. I haven’t stopped staring at you. How does this feel?”
How did it feel? Well, I couldn’t breathe, that’s how it felt. “Um—”
“Yeah, I know. I can see you blushing from a mile away.”
I ducked my head, flustered, and Nick touched my chin, bringing me back to focus on him.
“Why don’t you like safe words?” he asked, his voice velvet.
It was like gazing into the eyes of the prettiest snake. I couldn’t possibly look away. It was hypnotism.
“Safe words ruin the mood, and I don’t like how they make me feel,” I admitted, my voice small.
“How they make you feel?”
“When I had sex with…” I trailed off, holding back saying Fridge’s name.
He’d left me two apologetic voicemails, and it felt weird bringing him up to his best friend.
“He always asked for consent, always wanted me to repeat the safe word…and he’d ask for the safe word so many times, it made me anxious, like he didn’t want sex. It—it was humiliating.”
Nick’s face softened. He touched me, fingers sliding across my skin, palming my cheek. “Maybe he was just trying to make sure you were okay.”
“I was okay,” I whispered.
“Maybe he was overcompensating. He wanted you to know that he’s a good guy.”
“I—I didn’t like it.” I moved instinctively to draw away but Nick pulled me closer, cupping my face. The blush left me lightheaded. He left me lightheaded. “I—I tried to talk to him about it, but it never changed—”
“Tallulah, you haven’t had a good experience with safe words,” Nick said gently. “That doesn’t mean they’re not important.”
“They ruin sex—”
“How are you supposed to tell me if you don’t like something?”
“I’ll tell you after—”
“After?” Nick repeated, his fingers moving down to stroke my neck.
I shivered, captivated, as his words deepened.
“I have you tied to the bed, ass up, your panties stuffed in your mouth. I’m fucking you from behind and I’m half an inch from where you want me to be.
You’re miserable and so turned-on, you could scream.
Then I finish and what? I’m having the best night of my life, and you tell me you didn’t like it? ”
I swallowed. “Oh.”
“How is that fair to me? How is that fair to you?”
“I—I didn’t think about it like that.”
“That’s because you’re underfucked,” Nick said simply, brushing his thumb over my bottom lip. My heart raced as he touched me so nonchalantly, discussing something as explicit as safe words. “You’re like a bunny in heat, horny and miserable, and you don’t know what to do about it.”
I crossed my ankles, pressing my thighs together.
“You have a lot of these rules because you haven’t fucked enough,” he said. “You don’t want nicknames because you don’t know what it does to people. You say no to safe words because you haven’t been pushed to your limits yet.”
“I want that,” slipped out of me in a whimper.
“I know you do,” he murmured, comforting.
“Like—like—” I struggled to explain. “I want fun and I don’t want to think and panic anymore and—and I want all of it—”
Nick dipped down, his mouth at my ear, his breath bringing goosebumps across my skin. “I’m going to show you what your limits are. Then we’ll have some real fun.”
My eyelashes fluttered and I touched his chest, curling my fingers over the fabric of his shirt. I wanted him so badly.
“When do you get your test results back?” he whispered.
“Oh—um—I need to schedule the appointment—”
Nick jerked back. “What?”
“What?”
“You haven’t gotten tested yet?” he demanded.
“I—no?” I couldn’t understand why he was so upset until I considered… “Wait, did you?”
“Right after practice!”
“You did?”
“Yeah, Tallulah! I walked out of the arena, got in the car, drove four minutes, gave blood, and pissed in a cup. You haven’t…?”
“Um, no?”
Muttering under his breath, Nick reached up to grab Rat by her harness, her paws scrambling in the air. With his other hand, he grabbed me by the arm, directing me inside.
“This is your rule. Why am I being the responsible one? I’m never the responsible one!”
I tried to get Nick to see reason. The Village sponsored free testing on Tuesdays and Thursdays, we only had to wait, but he rolled his eyes. I was so surprised, and…it was flattering. He wanted this as badly as I did.
We found an open clinic and two seats together in the waiting room. Nick tossed the clipboard in my lap, hands over his stomach, eyes on the ceiling. “Not even my rule, oh my god.”
“I didn’t think you’d get tested so quickly,” I admitted, jotting down my information.
“Oh, yeah. I could get laid, but why not do my taxes? Learn how to crochet?”
“You were celibate, what was I supposed to think?”
“Finish the damn paperwork, Tallulah.”
Because I was an international citizen, there were more papers than I expected, and the longer I wrote, the more I realized exactly who was sitting next to me. The realization was just beginning to sink in. I was going to have sex with Nick.
His words echoed in my skull, a whisper in my ear. “You’re like a bunny in heat, horny and miserable, and you don’t know what to do about it.”
I glanced up at Nick. He held my gaze for a moment and arched an eyebrow, waiting for me to speak.
“Can I ask you something?” I whispered.
“Yeah?”
“Something private? It’s—um—personal.”
He leaned forward, instantly serious. “Of course, Tallulah. You can ask me anything. Always.”
I cupped a hand over his ear, keeping my voice quiet. “Can—can I…?”
“Yes?”
“Can I see a picture of your dick?” I whispered.
“Tallulah.” Nick threw me an incredulous look, pushing the clipboard to my chest. “Goddammit. Finish the paperwork.”
I burned with the blush, finishing the last of the papers. At the final initial, I moved to stand up, but Nick wrapped a hand around my forearm, bringing me down to him.
“When do I see you again?” he asked, his voice low.
I’d never been casually grabbed like that before. I bit back the giddy smile. “Um…it’ll take a couple of days for the results—”
“What about lunch?”
“Lunch?”
“You know, the thing that people eat around noon? But, specifically, tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow…” I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, surprise coursing through me. “I have a volunteer event at the library I’m covering. I don’t know when it’ll end—they run long.”
“We’ll grab food after.”
“I don’t know when—”
“Doesn’t matter. I’ll be there after practice.”
A nurse called my name and Nick released me, nudging me towards the door. I snuck a glance over my shoulder. The same realization washed over me again and again. I was going to have sex with Nick Kurosawa.
I didn’t care what Fridge was up to, I didn’t care about the anxiety clawing underneath my skin.
My summer was going to be fun. And that’d start with the cocky six-foot hockey player in the clinic’s waiting room.