27. tallulah #2
We were at a precipice I couldn’t see the bottom of. I tried to read the titles of books, but I couldn’t understand them any more than I understood the tension in our conversation. It felt like I was inching across a frozen lake. Everywhere I walked, cracks formed.
“Since when?” I whispered.
“Do you really want to know?”
“Yes.”
“Because the fun’ll end here.”
“I want to know.”
Nick took a step closer, setting the books on an empty bookshelf. “Since our classes. Since I first saw you. That’s when I wanted you.”
“Oh.” My heart leaped to my throat as Nick crossed the distance between us. “You…”
“Fridge is my best friend. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t waiting for you two to break up. Hoping for it. Praying to anybody who’d listen.”
“I—I—”
“Do you remember the gala last year? When Fridge wouldn’t dance with you?” Nick put a hand on the bookshelf above my head, his expression torn. “I wanted to ask you to dance so fucking bad. But I knew if I touched you, I couldn’t stop.”
My body curved to his. I was inches away, blood pounding in my ears.
“Why didn’t you talk to me before…?” I asked, breathless. “In class…?”
“You make me nervous, Tallulah.” he whispered.
I made Nick nervous.
Never in my life would I ever have anticipated that. And for…months? Before, with Fridge, I’d been a devoted girlfriend. So many of my firsts would always belong to him. I never gave Nick a second glance.
Nick had known that, recognized that, and still wanted me.
Another sick thrill rushed through me. This was fucked up. But it didn’t change the deep source of pleasure pulsing inside of me.
I slid my arms around Nick’s neck, reaching up to kiss him.
Nick pressed me against the bookshelf, covering my body with his, fisting my hair between his fingers.
I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t care. The kiss was hot, heavy, slowly transforming into something else.
Sweet, soft kisses. His lips molded to mine.
I broke away, stroking his face. “I’m so glad you happened to come to Canada this summer.”
“You are?”
“You’ll never, ever know what it’s like to be invisible,” I whispered. “You just won’t. You’re not that kind of person. But you don’t make me feel invisible. You make me feel important. And you’ll never know what that means to someone who’s used to disappearing.”
“You’ve never been invisible to me, Tallulah,” he said, his voice low.
My heart fluttered, a trapped bird trying to gain flight. And the butterflies—the butterflies that’d been inside of me all summer. I was extra sensitive with him so close. Him and those beautiful eyes of his…
My breath caught in my throat.
Something was different.
It wasn’t an abrupt difference, like an earthquake that shattered everything, leaving destruction in its wake, it was…something that’d been so gradual, I only now noticed its impact.
I was looking at Nick differently.
Oh…no.
The blush deepened, burning across my skin in reaction to something I didn’t understand. Nick was warm and lovely and important to me too—I couldn’t deny it. I couldn’t fight it.
Did I have a thing for Nick?
No, no, no, Nick wasn’t the kind of guy to have serious feelings. He couldn’t reciprocate.
Could he?
Were those just words about wanting to fuck me all semester or was it deeper? Did he have feelings for me too?
The indecision and confusion left me in a chokehold.
I slipped away from his grasp, haphazardly grabbing another book off a shelf for something to hold onto.
The vulnerability was difficult to grapple with, continuously out of reach. I didn’t know if I could put faith into something like that. What if I inched us towards something with more depth and it was like my relationship with Fridge? He couldn’t give me what I wanted, only heartbreak?
What could I do?
I needed to hear Nick say it. Not a love declaration or a sobbing confession, I wasn’t stupid, I just wanted hope.
Or at least for him to squash my hope before it bloomed.
I glanced at him over my shoulder, fighting to keep my tone even. My words were so small. “Even—even though this isn’t, like, anything serious, thank you. For making me feel important.”
For a few seconds, Nick gazed at me, and I gazed at him. He didn’t seem to know what to say. Why not? I needed him to say something. Confirm it, deny it, refute it, contradict it, give me something.
Oh my god. I was petrified.
He straightened up, rolling back his shoulders. A muscle in his jaw tightened. “Tallulah?”
“Y—yes?”
“Move in with me.”
The surprise hit me so hard, I could only gape at him. “Huh?”
“Move in with me,” he insisted, suddenly determined. “You can’t stand the Village.”
“I—I—”
“Your dorm sucks. You have one bathroom on the floor. Everybody hates each other. The fresh paint smell gives you headaches—they stole your paper.”
I had no idea what to say, my mind was in a whirl. “Are—are you joking?”
“No. Move in with me.”
I searched his face for that familiar cocky grin that didn’t take anything seriously. It didn’t materialize. Was this a genuine offer?
I wanted something more serious, I didn’t mean this!
Face burning, I ducked under his arm, returning to the bookshelves.
What Nick was suggesting was absolutely insane, the way I felt about him was absolutely insane, and I still had to find a book for him, which was a problem that existed in reality, something we’d clearly left behind with this conversation.
Moving in with him…meant what? It didn’t say anything specific. He could’ve wanted me to move in for easier access to pussy—I didn’t know! The offer skirted the lines between feelings and no feelings, keeping a careful distance from anything concrete.
Why was I even thinking about this? I couldn’t casually move in with him. This man I quite possibly had one-sided feelings for.
“The—the kissing got to your head,” I managed. “You don’t know what you’re saying—”
“We have six weeks left, Tallulah. It’s almost July. Summer’s going to be finished before we know it. Six weeks is—”
“Is crazy,” I sputtered. “How would that even work? Logistically?”
“I have your cat in my bedroom—”
“Yes, but…” I bit my lip, thinking of all the reasons I couldn’t move in with Nick. “The bathroom at the Village is clogged all the time. The water pressure sucks because they’re still doing construction. And your Wi-Fi is better…”
No, no, no, I was supposed to list reasons not to move in with him. This incredibly sexy hockey player who just confessed to wanting to sleep with me while I dated his best friend. The one who I couldn’t stop leaning towards whenever he came near, the one who made my heart race like nobody else.
The one who could break my heart.
The one who could break me.
If only I didn’t like Nick so much, liked spending time with him, being around him. Every time I walked into the Village now, I found myself wishing for five more minutes together.
If I decided to move in with him, that would be the dumbest decision I’d ever made.
Or…an opportunity to find out if he had feelings for me too?
“No, no.” I shook my head, immediately waving away that thought. “I—I can’t move in with you.”