Chapter 9
Anna’s heart pounded as her husband stared at her.
She had expected him to be angry with her, and in a sense, she supposed it was deserved. They were supposed to prove that they were proper members of the ton and that they were a united couple, and she had ruined it.
“What happened, Anna?” he repeated, and she steeled herself for the inevitable anger.
“If it is an apology you want, you will not receive one,” she replied firmly.
“When did I ask for one? I asked you what happened.”
He stepped closer to her, his body almost pressing to hers, and in spite of the ordeal, she felt her knees weaken at his presence.
“Your cousin is not a good man,” she confessed. “I understand that we must keep him on side, for now at least, but I cannot stand him. He is awful, Spencer.”
“Be that as it may, you cannot humiliate him like that. What did you do to him and why?”
She took a steady breath to tamp down the chill in her veins. What if he believed her? Would he assault the cousin he believed to be a good man, start a fracas in the midst of society? And what if he did not? What if he cared no more for her words than he had cared for her loneliness?
“I do not wish to say.”
“Anna, I have been patient. I have defended you, and I have not admonished you for your actions. In return, I expect you to give me an explanation.”
“Why? You have secrets of your own, ones that you expect me to defend. If you can have yours, then I may also have mine.”
He groaned, pacing the floor and pressing his hand to his temple.
“How am I meant to fix what you break if you do not give me a reason for why it is broken?”
“I could ask you the same thing.”
He stopped, chuckling darkly, then brushed past her to leave. She tensed at his touch, wishing that he had not made everything as difficult as he had. It could have been so different. She could have crumbled when he touched her, melting into him, but she was left longing instead.
But she had been longing for too long.
And so, as he was leaving, she caught at his coat to stop him, and he turned, catching her by the waist. He was smirking at her, an eyebrow raised, and she did not know whether to put more distance between them or remove it entirely.
“Did you have something to say?” he asked.
“I—no.”
“Good.”
And with that, he closed the gap between them with a kiss. Her breath hitched, and her eyes remained open for a moment in surprise before she closed them, falling helplessly into him.
His hand ran along her waist, lifting up to the top of her corset and brushing the top with his fingertips before pressing his hands flat against her, pulling her even closer.
At last, there it was, the feeling that she had wanted ever since she first picked up one of her books.
The desperation, the longing, the desire, it was all there.
She felt wicked, even though this man was her husband and she had every right to be with him.
It was all that she had wanted from him on their wedding day, and part of her almost felt that the wait had been worth it.
Then he pulled away, and she was breathless, wide-eyed. Her defences were down, and she did not want to build them up again.
“Now,” he continued, “you ought to know that I will find out what I wish to know eventually. I have my ways. I would simply rather that it came from you directly, and I would appreciate it if my wife could do that for me.”
Without thinking, she opened her mouth.
“Your cousin propositioned me,” she said quickly. “He pressed me to… look kindly upon him and hinted that he would take the estate from you if I did not.
She was trembling again, terrified that he would not believe her, but there was no anger in his face. He was listening, truly listening, and a spark of hope lit. Maybe she could convince him.
“When he told me of our difficulty, he told me that all of this could be handled if I… if I were his.”
“And you are certain that he was not simply making you an offer in the event that you hated me?”
“If he was, he would not have– he would not have used force when I refused him.”
She saw the white-hot anger in an instant. Regardless of what he had done, he had a loyalty to her, one that she had never imagined that he could have. She wanted to trust him, to let him in, but she had to pull back again.
He could leave again whenever he liked, and she was completely at his mercy.
“And you are certain that you have never wanted to be his?” he asked. “Because, given our circumstances, I understand if you wish to seek an annulment.”
She shook her head firmly.
“I do not like him at all. Even if I could not stand you, I would rather die than be his wife.”
“Then I shall do what I must,” he said firmly. “It will be settled, Anna. Do not worry about it any further.”
She nodded, thanking him quietly. He turned to leave, but she realized in that moment that there was something else that she wished to know.
“I have told you my secret,” she said. “Now, can I know yours?”
He paused, lowering his head for a moment before lifting it again. He did not turn back to look at her, only keeping his line of sight straight ahead.
“It is not my secret to share.”
“Then where were you? Where have you been all of this time?”
“Anna, I cannot tell you. You know that I cannot, for if I could, I would have by now. I need you to trust me.”
“And how can I? How am I supposed to take you at your word when you have given me no reason to?”
“Very well, then. Do not believe a word that I say, if you must. I am responsible for your safety, not for ensuring that you are happy with every decision I make.”
He left with that, and the room felt colder. Despite the way her lips still tingled, she only felt empty.
The housekeeper entered, acting as though she had not heard a thing, but Anna knew that she had. That was why she was there; she wanted to allow her to talk about it.
“I do not know what I was expecting,” she sighed. “I thought that, when he returned, he might have changed his mind and wanted to be a better husband.”
“I was hoping the same. I do not know where he goes, but I hoped that when he came home this time, he might have changed.”
“Become a man,” she nodded. “In any case, I do not know what to do. I shall have to wait for all of this to be solved, and then we can discuss from there. That is, if he does not run the moment the matter is settled.”
“Is that what you think of him?”
Anna considered that for a moment, and she decided that it was. He had made it known to her that he would disappear again and that he was only with her out of obligation. Once his title was secured, he would leave, and if she was surprised or upset by that, then she only had herself to blame.
“It is what everyone thinks of him. I am beginning to think that is how he wishes to be perceived.”
It had been a long night, and she wished to sleep, but it was fitful.
Ever since Spencer’s return, she had been unable to rest, for she knew the one person she had never expected to see again was sleeping soundly nearby.
He was her husband! How could he be so unaffected by her pain when she had made it so clear to him?
Slipping out of her bed, she made her way down to the kitchens in her nightgown. It was only a thin dress, and the household was cold, so she wanted something warm. She settled on milk, but as she lit the fire to heat it, she heard footsteps approaching.
She bristled, turning to see her husband in the doorway, wearing only his shirt and trousers. His top button was undone, revealing a small amount of his pectoral muscles, just enough for her mind to go elsewhere.
“I could not sleep,” she explained.
“Nor could I,” he replied, taking the matches from her and lighting the fire.
Anna was surprised at the admission, and when he looked at her, he seemed to see it.
“Were you not sleeping?” she asked.
“Wearing this? No, I was in my study. I am trying to make sense of everything, but it has been a while since I had to look at the documents.”
“You need not do so. I have taken care of it all since my arrival.”
He paused.
“Does that mean you have been in my study?”
“That is where everything was, so yes. Should I not have?”
“You– no, no, you are right. I left all of this to you, and so it is only fair that you use the room for it. I did not expect you to undertake the task; that is all.”
“What did you want me to do? It was not as though I could ask you for help, and– I do not wish to discuss this again.”
“Very well,” he agreed. He poured milk into a pan, positioning it to simmer over the fire.
She could not take her eyes off of him, admiring his muscles as he cleared things away for their staff. The subtle ripple of his shoulders as he bent to the fire made her breath catch, and her fingers twitched with the urge to brush away his disheveled black hair.
All while she sat in her flimsy nightgown, which he seemed to enjoy looking at, too. It left enough to the imagination, and he was clearly indulging in his.
“What might you wish to discuss, then?” he asked. “I suppose you have a lot to tell me, given how long it has been.”
“I do not think that we have ever properly spoken,” she sighed. “You left before I had the opportunity.”
“Well, I am here now. Tell me about yourself.”
He handed her mug, fingertips lingering at the height of her chest. She thought of her books, where he would go on to tempt and tease her with those same fingers, but only for a moment. She did not want him to realize what she was thinking of.
“What is there to say?” she asked. “I like to read, as you know, and I enjoy spending time outdoors. I believe I would like to travel, though I have not, and I paint more often than most, I believe.”
“I enjoy painting. It may not be what is expected of a gentleman, but I am greatly entertained by it.”
“Are any of your works in the gallery? I have spent a lot of time in there.”
“They are, yes.”
He had said it proudly, but Anna noticed his cheeks turn pink.
He was flushed at the thought, as though he was not confident in his skills.
Anna had been to the gallery many times, but she had never seen anything with his name on it.
She wondered if he was lying, but then what could he have stood to gain?
“And what else do you enjoy?” she asked.
“Do you promise not to laugh?”
“I will try not to, yes.”
“I like listening to gossip.”
She almost laughed, in spite of her promise, but she held her tongue. For once, her husband was opening up to her, and she could not risk him changing his mind.
“I like to learn about people,” he continued. “I would never speak ill of someone, for that is not who I am, but I find enjoyment in listening to stories about others. I think, in a way, it reminds me that everyone has their faults. We are not alone in our difficulties.”
“You do understand that is not the purpose of gossip, do you not?”
“Of course, but I do not need to do something a certain way just because I am told it is so.”
“Is that why gossip does not affect you when it is about us?”
He finished his drink, rinsing the cup before putting it away.
“It is something like that, yes.”
With him having finished his, Anna expected him to leave her there. Instead, he leaned back against a countertop, his shirtsleeves resting against his arms.
“Do you know what I think?” she asked, finishing her drink.
She went to rinse her mug, but he took it from her and did it himself.
“I think,” she continued, “that you like the distraction.”
“Oh? What do you mean by that?”
“I mean that, in focusing on the people around you, you do not have to confront what is in front of you. It is easier for you to think about something that has nothing to do with you.”
He was quiet for a moment, putting her mug away, and then he turned to face her. He walked toward her until he had her pressed against the wall, his knee between her thighs. Her breathing deepened, and he grinned playfully at her, enjoying the effect he had.
“If that was the case, why would I be doing this?”
“I– I do not know. I would very much like to, though.”
“I am sure that you would,” he chuckled, placing a hand on the wall by her face.
Had he been anyone else, she would have been terrified. He towered over her and was able to do anything that he wanted, and yet he seemed to hold himself back just enough so that she was riled. If his grin was anything to go by, he was getting what he wanted with that alone.
“Come,” he said. “I am to confer with my cousin in the morning, and I do not wish to be unrested.”
Anna followed behind him, and he walked her to her door.
“I meant what I said,” he said gently as she opened her door. “He will not treat you that way and go unpunished.”
“But the estate–”
“I do not care. I would rather lose my lands than have anyone risk your safety in the way that he did. I will not allow it, Anna. You are my wife, and therefore my responsibility.”
As she reentered her room, she realized at last that she was exhausted, and her body succumbed to slumber the moment she rested her head on her pillow.
The following morning, Spencer was gone.
She felt a twinge of fear every time he left the house, for it was possible that he would not return again, but this time she managed to soothe herself.
He was going to see his cousin, and he was going to straighten everything out.
Everything would be mended, just as he promised. And then…
What then? Would she be alone once again?