Chapter 29
“What did you say to her?” Spencer demanded from his sister almost immediately after their return.
“I could ask you the same question,” she fired back. “You told me that there was no love between the two of you.”
“There– there is not.”
“Then why was she surprised to hear that? You are fortunate that I had already agreed to stay with you both, for had I not, I would be in a carriage returning north by now. You are a liar, Spencer, no better than your father.”
“Our father,” he reminded her, which he knew was a mistake. “I am not that man. I have taken you in and done everything that I could to help you, and one might expect you to show more gratitude for that when– did you say you have agreed to stay?”
“What can I say?” she grimaced, throwing her weight onto the chaise longue in her room. “She was convincing enough, and she told me what I needed to hear. Unlike you, I truly believe that she wishes to help me.”
“Why do you not think the same of me? I am the one who has given everything to help you.”
“And why is that? Because you do what is expected of you. You married Anna because you needed a distraction, and you helped me because you wanted to prove that you are not your father. A brother has a duty to his sister, does he not?”
“He does, of course, but that is not– I am not having this conversation with you again, Sophia. If you do not wish to believe that I care for you, then do not. I have more to do with my time than convince you of it.”
“Like be a good husband?” she sneered. “Do you know how awful it felt for Anna to speak so highly of you, to know that she trusts you completely, when all along you have not cared for her at all? I cannot even look at you.”
“Then do not. I will never understand what you want from me. I have done everything to help you, and yet all you seem to do is pick apart my flaws, and yet I am the one who is like our father.”
“Your father.”
“Our father,” he insisted, leaving the room.
He was furious with Sophia, and more confused than he had ever been, but the worst in it all was the fact that he knew he had made a terrible mistake. His lies had come back to haunt him, and there was nothing that he could do to stop it.
And yet, he still went to find Anna. He wanted to speak with her, even if he was not the person she wished to see. There was so much that he had to tell her, to confess, but he did not know where to start.
But as he searched the household for her, he could not find her.
It was as though she had vanished completely, there one moment and then gone the next.
He wanted to ignore the way his heart raced at her disappearance, but there was no denying it.
It did not matter how much he refused to accept it; he needed her, and the thought of her not being in their home was killing him.
“Have you seen my wife?” he asked his housekeeper, who seemed rather taken aback by his tone.
“She left for the village,” she explained. “Shortly after they returned from their outing. She told me she wished to be alone.”
“You should have told me,” he grumbled, though he knew that she could not possibly have realized what had happened.
“Have the two of you quarreled? She seemed perfectly happy for Miss Sophia to be here with us.”
“She is. It has nothing to do with my sister. It is my own fault, and I do not know what to do about it.”
“Well then, you ought to find a solution. If you ask me, all that tends to be necessary is an apology.”
Spencer nodded, but he did not agree. A simple apology would not be nearly enough for the damage he had caused.
He did not know just what could be enough.
He considered going after her, finding her, and bringing her home, but he did not want to disturb her.
She clearly did not want to be found, and with how little he had respected her, he knew he had to start somewhere.
And so he sat in his study alone, waiting for her to return. It was a lonely end to his afternoon, but one that he could only blame himself for. When time for dinner came, he wondered if she would be there at all, and he was pleased to see her sitting there when he arrived.
“Did you enjoy your outing?” he asked.
“I did. It gave me rather a lot of clarity.”
“That is… that is good.”
When Sophia joined them, and they began to eat, Anna remained quiet, but Spencer could see that she was thinking. He did not know what; he never seemed to know what, but it was quite focused.
“I had an idea,” she said at last, when they had almost finished their soup. “I would like for us all to visit my friend Maria tomorrow. She lives nearby, and she has a son of a similar age to Gilbert. It might be good for him to know another boy his age, if you are to stay close by.”
Spencer waited for his sister to refuse, but she did not. Instead, she nodded and thanked her gratefully, brightening for the first time since her arrival.
“That sounds lovely. Does she know about who I am?”
“Not as yet, but she will understand. She adopted a boy, you see, and so she is familiar with families that are different from others.”
“How generous of her!” Sophia sighed wistfully as the plates were collected. “You know, I considered giving my son away, but only briefly. Once I had him, I realized that I could not do it. I already loved him so much, and I could not bear the thought of him being anywhere but with me.”
“You are a brilliant mother,” Anna said warmly. “You treat him like the most precious thing you have, rather than simply doing what is necessary as his mother.”
Spencer thought back on the times Sophia left her son with him so that she could rest, or when she complained about having to care for the boy rather than enjoying herself, and almost said so, but he held his tongue.
The two ladies had bonded, and neither of them would want to hear a word of what he had to say.
What confused him more than anything was how Anna had convinced her to do the one thing that he had been pleading with her to do, and how she had done it in one single conversation.
Sophia resented him for even suggesting it, but she adored Anna for the same thing.
It did not seem fair, but again, he knew better than to say as much.
“I have done what I can,” Sophia confessed, “but I know that I can be better. Tomorrow sounds wonderful. I shall wear my best dress, for I assume she has married well if she keeps the company of a duchess.”
“She is a duchess herself, but you must not worry. She keeps company with people that she truly likes, not ones that dress the part.”
The ladies were satisfied, Spencer knew that he would not enjoy the following day as much as they would. They would be discussing love and children and how terrible most men were, and all the while, he would be painfully aware that he was one of those awful men.
When Sophia left the table, he looked at Anna and was surprised to see her looking back at him.
“Thank you,” he said quietly. “It is a good idea, though you need not worry yourself so. She is my sister, and therefore my responsibility.”
“And yet, as Duchess, I have a duty to those in need, do I not?”
There was a certain venom in the way she had spoken of duty, but before he could ask her what she meant by that, she was gone.
That night, Spencer could not sleep. His own bed, terribly large, was freezing in spite of all of the covers, and he wanted to be with Anna instead.
He wanted to share the warmth of her spirit as well as her body, to savor the sparks she struck with her conversation.
However, she refused to speak with him, and he knew better than to grovel simply because he wanted to go to bed with her.
He awoke as exhausted as he had been when he went to sleep, and tried to prepare himself for the day ahead. He waited downstairs for them and was surprised to see Sophia arrive in one of Anna’s gowns.
“She is truly remarkable,” she sighed. “I expect you to do something to fix this.”
“You can expect all you wish. The gown is lovely.”
Anna arrived shortly after, wearing red satin with a matching ribbon in her hair, and they left for Winterleigh Manor.
It was only a short ride, but there was an icy stillness in the air that Spencer could not quite shake.
He felt like the most hated man in London, which he supposed that he deserved.
Their hostess, of course, did not mention such a thing if she noticed it. She welcomed them warmly, even greeting the little boy personally, and took them to the drawing room.
“I shall send for a tea,” she explained. “This is such a pleasant surprise!”
“I would have written to you,” Anna explained, “but it was a rather last-minute decision.”
“You do not need to warn me,” Maria laughed brightly. “This is as much your home as it is mine, you know that.”
The Duke of Winterleigh was also present, which Spencer was rather pleased about.
Damien was the sort of man who preferred to keep to himself, but he was pleasant enough and so clearly adored his wife, and that was precisely the sort of company that he wished to keep in that moment; someone who would simply sit with him and not ask too many questions.
When Maria returned, she took her seat across from Sophia, her eyes not leaving Gilbert.
“Yes, he is illegitimate,” Sophia grimaced. “No, I do not have a husband.”
“That is quite all right,” Maria smiled. “I am not the sort of person to care for such a thing. Is the boy loved?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Then that is what matters,” she said simply. “How are you enjoying your time here?”
“It has exceeded my expectations, although I must admit they were rather low. I know that the ton thinks highly of themselves, but in the north, we do not look upon you all too kindly.”
It was not the best first impression that Sophia could have made, but then these were not typical duchesses. Anna and Maria laughed warmly at her and nodded in agreement.
“We know that,” Maria explained. “Not everyone does, but we do. Anna, she is perfect for our group. You must bring her along!”
Sophia looked to Spencer, and all that he could do was grin. This was precisely what he had hoped for, as his sister would be best off with a group of ladies whose ideals she shared.
“The next meeting is in our home, so I planned for you all to meet then,” Anna explained. “But I wanted her to know that she is not alone. I also know that we can be rather intimidating to meet all at once, though I am certain she would have been perfectly fine.”
“Just how many of you are there?” Sophia asked.
“Four,” Maria continued. “I agree with Anna, for we can be quite relentless, but I know you will fare well with us. What sort of things do you like to read? Right now, we are on an article that our friend Theodora selected, but we usually read books instead.”
With them all settled into their conversation, Spencer prepared to leave with Damien for a while, but at that moment, he appeared with his son. The little boy came bursting into the room in a fit of laughter and went to his mother, hugging her legs.
Maria took him in her arms and placed him on her lap instinctively, and for a brief moment, Spencer wondered just how that instinct felt.
He had always felt an urge to care for Gilbert, but he knew there was no comparing it.
He was only his uncle, and it was different compared to how he imagined he would feel about his own children.
He wondered how Anna felt about it all, too, but as he looked over to her, he could tell that something was wrong. She was not engaging with it all as she did before, instead looking on with an empty expression.
“If you will excuse me,” she said suddenly. “I need a moment.”
“Would you like me to come with you?” Maria asked, but Anna shook her head and left in haste.
“Is she alright?” Sophia asked.
“It has been a difficult time,” Maria explained. “She likely feels quite overwhelmed and needs a moment, that is all.”
Spencer knew that a good husband would follow his wife and ensure that nothing was wrong, but he knew his wife.
And he knew that he was no good husband.
“So, Miss Sophia,” Maria continued. “Do you plan to stay?”
“Yes, your friend has managed to convince me, though I cannot quite say that I think it is a good idea. Should those in London know who I am, they shall both be ruined, and the fault will be mine.”
“Yes, well, you are better off accepting that my friend is not one to say no to a challenge. Besides, you have two duchesses with you, and two powerful dukes too. You will be fine, I will make certain of it.”
Spencer was grateful that his wife had chosen such good friends, and he wished that he had a larger group himself rather than a gentleman here and there.
Sophia was in the best hands, and had he not been so stubborn, that could have been the case long before, but he had at last done the right thing, and his sister was safe.
But his wife was hurting, and he was to blame for it, and he could not find it in him to forgive himself for that.