19. Kelsey
Kelsey
S pending time with Sam tonight was more than a little bit unnerving.
It had been nice to pretend that I lived a fun, carefree life when I started the day in first class on a flight halfway across the country.
The suite Sam had booked for me was double the size of my apartment, and it reminded me that maybe I was doing Crew a disservice by being stubborn and living on my own.
Would he grow up knowing that we had less than everyone else?
Would I ever be able to finish my nursing degree?
When Sam complimented me, I wanted to be the person he thought I was.
But it was so incredibly lonely. Yes, my boy was my world.
No, I had no regrets about having him. I regretted that I could never provide him with a life free from worry.
I shopped thrift stores for his clothes; I didn’t know how I would be able to pay for his next-level car seat when he outgrew his infant seat.
I might never be able to put him in a sports program, pay for summer camp, or buy him the sneakers the rest of the kids had.
Was I going to be enough for him? I couldn’t see a future where he wasn’t suffering for my lack, and I felt the power of the resentment of a future fourteen-year- old boy.
I never felt more exhausted than I did at that moment. I was not exactly helpless because I would fight for our futures, but I didn’t see a way out or a way forward, not yet. I did a quick check on Crew before I collapsed into bed. My exhaustion quickly overrode my anxiety, and I fell fast asleep.
Sam met us for breakfast in the hotel restaurant, and Crew kept himself busy in his stroller. We ordered our meals and made small talk while waiting for our food. When I needed to take a bathroom break, I started to take Crew with me.
“Leave him with me,” Sam said. “I can handle him for five minutes; I can’t see his stroller fitting in the bathroom stall.”
“Are you sure?” I asked hesitantly. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Sam specifically. I didn’t trust anyone with him.
I used the bathroom quickly and returned to the main restaurant.
As I approached the table, I realized that Sam had taken Crew out of his stroller, held him with his butt on the table, and was talking to him intently, eliciting all sorts of smiles and coos.
I felt my stomach flip, and my heart squeezed painfully at the image of this giant, sexy man enthralled by this tiny baby.
“Hey,” I approached the table slowly. “Did he give you trouble?”
“He was starting to get a little fussy, and I figured I’d take him out and not wait for him to yell.
Huh buddy, did you get mad when your Mommy left?
” Crew answered by leaning forward and latching onto Sam’s nose, sucking hard enough to leave a mark.
Sam laughed it off and passed him over to me. “I think he’s hungry again.”
“He’s always hungry lately,” I said, reaching for a small blanket so I could nurse him. “I think he’s going through a growth spurt.”
“Do you think he could be teething? He kept trying to chew on his fist.”
“Oh, I doubt it. He’ll be four months in a couple of weeks; that would be early. But I guess it’s possible.”
“Did you get your ticket electronically? Monica was supposed to send those to you today.”
“Yeah, I’ve already added it to my wallet.”
“Avery will be sitting with you.”
“Oh, good. I like her.” I immediately felt relieved to have a friendly face nearby.
“I think she’s the only family member who traveled for this series. You never know who will show up, but Avery tries to come to as many games as possible.”
“Does she trust him?” I’d read that major league baseball players had a high incidence of cheating. I would hate for her to have to deal with that.
“Yeah, she’s got nothing to worry about. Carlos is as true as you can get. Not everyone is, though. You might see things on the road, there’s a lot of temptation, and bad decisions are made.”
“So, I may see a player cheating on his wife? They don’t hide it?” My eyes widened, and I immediately felt sympathy for the women who couldn’t trust their husbands.
“Yeah,” Sam sighed. “Avery got herself in trouble by telling Chloe Cole that Jeremy was fucking a different woman in every city. It turns out that Chloe knew, and Jeremy had a pass. If Chloe had unfettered access to the American Express, she didn’t care.”
“She shot the messenger,” I observed.
“She certainly did.”
“I’d want to know. I would never want that type of relationship. There is nothing that someone could ever buy me that would replace trust.”
Sam’s expression was unreadable. “I grew up watching my mother get hurt by my father repeatedly. It’s hard to watch my teammates submit to the stereotype.”
“What about you? Do you ever meet women on the road?” I asked and instantly regretted asking such a personal question. I only wanted to hear the answer if it was no.
“When I first started in the league, I made some mistakes. I don’t date seriously and haven’t had a serious girlfriend since college. Life on the road is not conducive for trust, and I just figured I’d wait until after I retired to meet someone.”
“What’s your mom like?” I asked, wanting to understand as much as possible about him.
“She’s amazing. She was a powerhouse model before she met my father, and while their marriage was terrible, she emerged from it stronger than ever.”
“Do you have any siblings?”
“My sister Josie. She’s also a model, and her husband plays professional football for Dallas. She works extremely hard and is one of my closest friends. I don’t trust many people outside of family.”
“Your entire family is famous.” It was hard to reconcile this down-to-earth man with someone surrounded by models and professional athletes.
“No, not famous, exactly.”
“I guess I meant that they are very public figures. My family is just normal.”
“You seem overwhelmed, I’m sorry.”
“I’ve been overwhelmed since the minute you sat at my bar,” I said honestly .
“I appreciate you not mentioning the Uber ride.”
“I don’t know much about you, but from what I’ve seen since that night, that’s not typical ‘Sam’ behavior.” At some point, I’d made the subconscious decision to judge him by his actions and forgive him for that night in the Uber.
“I think I’ll take that as a compliment.”
Sam looked at his watch and realized that he would be late if he didn’t leave to go to the stadium. I thanked him for breakfast, and Crew and I headed back up to our suite to relax before heading to the game ourselves.