25. Kelsey
Kelsey
M y head spun with everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours.
From the clothing Monica had delivered to the red bottom shoes that I would never have dreamed of wearing and suspected would cover next month’s rent, the dinner, and the kiss.
That kiss had curled my toes and left me panting for more, and had Avery not called?
It would have been so much more. This increased my guilt at not being there for Crew when he needed his mom.
It was the first time I had put myself first since he was born, and I’d failed him.
Sam said and did all the right things, but did he understand everything that getting involved with me would entail?
It wasn’t about playing house with a cute baby.
But his words, his actions, everything was screaming that he was safe, but was that only because it was what I wanted to see?
Was my exhaustion from being so goddamned alone throughout pregnancy, birth, and the last four months driving me to seek out the first person who offered me help?
My attraction to Sam was far more intense than I’d ever experienced. I couldn’t begin to comprehend his wealth or status. But none of that drew me to him. That was all about him, who he was at his essence. Sam anticipated my needs and Crew’s needs and helped without being asked.
My family would be of no help. I sensed that my father was so enamored with the idea that I was spending time with an athlete he idolized that he couldn’t separate that and give me an honest assessment.
Kylie didn’t understand that I couldn’t seek pure fun when it involved Crew.
My mom wasn’t much help either; she had always taught her kids to make their own decisions.
Kendra lost the right to any opinion by continuing to make hurtful comments about how I ended up in this situation.
I had allowed her judgment to affect me once, and I had grown strong enough that I didn’t need her input into my life.
All of this passed through my mind as I stared at Sam as he declared that I had the power to wreck him.
At the same time, I was relieved that he would be on the flight back with me.
This alone should have set off alarm bells.
I couldn’t afford to get comfortable with help if he only planned to disappear in a few months.
I couldn’t allow myself to need someone else. If I did, I’d only end up hurt.
“Kels, what are you thinking?” Sam’s concern etched across his face.
“I’m scared.” Two words summed up all the jumbled thoughts that kept repeating in my brain.
“So am I. I don’t know how to change a diaper; my schedule is hectic, and I haven’t ever had a serious, adult relationship. I understand that this is all or nothing; for me, it’s already too late to choose nothing.”
“Sam, I don’t understand what I’ve done for you to be so ready to jump into this with me. I’m a walking red flag for a guy like you. I’m a broke, uneducated, single mother.”
Sam swallowed audibly, “I have never seen someone as strong and competent as you. What you have done with these barriers around you is amazing. I want to see what you can do if I help you remove some of those barriers.”
My brain was starting to feel like it was going to explode, my anxiety was beginning to ramp up, and I needed an outlet. My heart started to pound, my palms were sweating, and I would be in full panic if I couldn’t get this under control.
“Sam, I’m minutes away from having a panic attack,” I said as I worked to slow my breathing. “I need to think but also work off the excess energy. I usually run, but I don’t have my jogging stroller.”
“Go, I can handle him.” He answered without hesitation.
There wasn’t much of an option. Before my pregnancy, I had been on anti-anxiety meds, and I didn’t want to take anything while breastfeeding.
The rhythmic breathing and meditation that a run afforded would hopefully be what I needed to get this in check.
I closed my eyes briefly, took a deep breath, and tried again to reign it in.
“Okay, I gotta go.”
I rifled through my packed clothes, changed into running shorts, a sports bra, and a tank top, and laced up my sneakers.
I kissed Crew goodbye and promised that I wouldn’t be long.
Forty-five minutes later, I was back at the suite and felt like a completely different person.
My breathing had leveled, the tension in my body had released, and my thoughts were less frantic.
Sam and Crew were on the floor playing; they had every toy I’d brought with us strewn out on the playmat, and Crew ripped out a belly laugh.
“I see he’s showing you his new tricks.” Sam studied me as I re-entered the suite. I might have been dripping with sweat, but I sensed his relief when he saw how I’d recovered.
“Feeling better? ”
“Much better. I was able to think. It’s hard to explain, but without a physical outlet, it just gets too loud.”
“Do you see someone for your anxiety?”
“I do. But while I’m breastfeeding, I’m trying not to medicate.
When I get quiet or withdraw, it’s because my brain is on overdrive, and I’m trying to make sense of what it’s trying to say.
It’s tough to make a good decision when I can so very clearly see all the worst-case scenarios and devastating consequences of making the wrong decision. ”
“My sister, Josie, has anxiety; I should have recognized it. I’m sorry I pushed you.”
“No, I don’t want people to walk on eggshells.
I need to take ownership of my own mental health.
I didn’t want you to think I was running away from you.
But while I was running, I could think about what you said.
I can’t say that I believe in fate, but I think there is a reason you ended up in my Uber and then again at my bar.
I can’t explain the rest of it at all. But yeah, let’s see where this goes. ”
“Yeah?” he asked.
I nodded, and a huge grin broke out across his face.