43. Kelsey
Kelsey
O h, my heart. When I finished cleaning up after earth-shattering sex with Sam, I came out of the bathroom and found him shirtless as he snuggled my boy.
It was nearly impossible to distinguish between my love for my son and the growing emotions, dare I say love?
– for this man. What is the catch? Sam was almost too nice, as he anticipated what Crew and I needed before we did.
“Ready for Mommy?” he asked, and Crew cooed back in response.
I crossed the room, wrapped my arms around them, kissed Sam on the lips, and then pressed my mouth to Crew’s head, inhaling his baby scent.
“Can we go up and sit outside?”
“Sure. Why don’t you two go ahead while I get some water?”
I made my way up to the top floor of Sam’s house, and I peeked into the spare bedroom and bathroom.
Based on the other homes in the area, I guessed it was built in the early 1800s.
There were three floors; the first had a kitchen, a dining area, and a small library.
On the second level was the master suite with a nursery and a second bedroom.
The third floor had two more bedrooms. I loved it, but it was a lot for a single man.
I found a shaded seat on the patio and settled Crew at my breast. As hard as breastfeeding had been at the start, I was so thankful for these moments.
I was forced to stop racing around, sit, and be present with my boy.
Sam quickly joined us on the couch, setting the water down where I could reach it without disturbing Crew.
“I wanted to explain more about what I meant earlier when I thanked you. Words don’t always come out exactly right sometimes. My anxious brain jumbles things.” I took a sip of water, pausing to work through it again before I spoke.
“Since Crew was born, I’ve been in fight mode.
Every day was a chore, just waking up and battling with the world for survival.
I never felt like I could stop, breathe, and enjoy a single moment.
Yes, he and I had some moments of peace mixed in, but there was always this sense that the other shoe would drop.
I was working to live, and there wasn’t much else.
“I enjoyed my runs, but there was a practical purpose. Running was my medication. You’ve made me feel alive again, like I’m more than Crew’s mother.
And while I love that feeling, my anxiety reminds me that this can all disappear as quickly as it appeared.
” Sam looked out at the city skyline and took a moment to absorb what I’d said.
“Kels, before you, I had been in a multi-year-long casual friends-with-benefits situation with someone emotionally unavailable. My therapist would point out that this was common in adult children of alcoholic parents. We either avoid emotions and conflict or become people pleasers. I don’t trust many people, likely because my dad, someone I should have been able to trust, proved that I couldn’t control him time and time again.
But there was something about you that made me want to try.
And with Crew? I like to say you’re a package deal, but he’s got a hold of me too. ”
With that, it all clicked into place. Sam was attentive because he had been conditioned to prioritize other people’s needs.
He didn’t even realize he was doing it, but it was in everything he did.
Even the $500 Uber tip was left as an apology when his mistakes may have impacted someone else.
At that moment, I wanted to protect that scared little boy who only wanted his dad to recognize his accomplishments because while Sam was a grown man, that boy was still there looking for validation. And yes, love.
“I am responsible for protecting both Crew’s and my hearts, and while I should be more cautious, I feel in my gut that what you need more than anything is our vulnerability. I guess what I’m saying, Sam, they’re yours. My heart, his. Please go easy.”
By then, Crew had finished eating and leaned towards Sam, trying to get his attention. Sam took him from me and laid him on his lap the long way, eliciting giggles. He wiped a stray tear from his eye, pulled me towards his side, and kissed my head.
“I will.”