Chapter 8
8
R adiance:
“Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.” I paced the bathroom floor with Ja’Lani in my arms, my heart beating so fast and loud I could hear it, and it felt like it would beat out of my chest. I knew the saying it was a small world, but I didn’t know they meant this damn small. It would be my luck that I’d run into Ja’vari while on a trip across the country when he was supposed to be in another country. I guessed I wasn’t tripping earlier when I heard his voice. I stopped pacing, looking into my beautiful baby girl’s eyes, those eyes that resembled the man I once loved… that I still loved. As if she saw and knew my pain, Ja’Lani smiled her two-teeth smile, while placing her chubby hand on my cheek, before resting her head on my chest. Yeah, she knew her mommy was in a bad space and needed her.
Hearing the door open, I swung around, seeing Santia walk in. “What in thee entire hell?” she damn near shouted, which caused Ja’Lani to lift her head from my chest.
“Did you know he would be here?” I realized how stupid I sounded after I asked the question.
“Of course not, but what are the damn odds?”
I sighed. God, for sure, had a sense of humor with His timing when it came to Ja’vari and me. “Santia, what am I supposed to do?”
“I mean, we’re here now. You can’t run from it nor keep it a secret any longer. We both know Ja’vari. Now that he’s seen you and Ja’Lani, he won’t let it go.”
When Ja’vari didn’t know about Ja’Lani, it was easy to move about, but that look on his face when I confirmed she was mine, I knew then he knew what it was. “I know.” I sighed heavily. Turning to face the mirror, I glared back at my reflection. This was not something I was prepared to deal with. “What am I supposed to do?” I turned back to Santia.
She held up her hands. “Unh unh. I love you, girl—you know that—but I have no more advice on that situation. The only thing I will tell you is you cannot hide out in this bathroom with his daughter forever. You made a choice almost two years ago, and now it’s time for you to face the consequences of that choice.”
At times, I truly hated being an adult, and right now was one of those times. “Was he still at the table when you came in here?”
“No, he’d already left.”
Whew , I thought. “Okay, maybe I can avoid him, at least for tonight, because I need a moment to process even running into him.” What was he doing here? I couldn’t help but have the question continually swarm my mind. Santia only smiled. I looked down to Ja’Lani. She was fighting sleep. “Okay, let’s go,” I said after kissing the top of my baby girl’s head.
“After you,” Santia said in a joking tone after opening the door and gesturing for me to go first.
Seeing Ja’vari push from the wall the second we walked out, my heart sank to my ass. So much for avoiding him for the night , I thought. “Can we talk?” His deep voice sent a shock through my body. Ja’vari looked the same yet so different at the same time. Ja’vari was dressed simply in denim jeans and a black shirt, yet he looked model ready. He was fine without trying. His dark brown skin looked silky; his locs had grown out and were in a messy yet manly bun. He’d grown his full beard out, making his lips appear sexier, and his eyes told a story that even now I seemed to be the only one that could read. He was fine, and he knew it.
“Uh, I’ll take her.” Santia stepped up, not even waiting for me to say yes or no as she took Ja’Lani from my arms. “Excuse me.” She had the nerve to put up the church finger and tiptoe away. She irked me at times.
I watched Ja’vari closely as he kept his eyes on Ja’Lani until she and Santia were no longer in sight. Ja’vari faced me with no words at first, just glaring into my eyes. They held a twinkle, yet I saw something I couldn’t explain. “What’s her name?”
“Ja’Lani.”
Ja’vari’s jaw twitched. “She mine?” he asked, but from the tone of his voice, I knew he already knew the answer.
Drawing my bottom lip between my teeth, I bit down slightly before releasing it. “She is.” For some reason, tears instantly stung the corners of my eyes. That look I couldn’t explain in Ja’vari’s eyes was clear right now. He was hurt, so much so that he turned his back to me.
“How is that something you kept from me?” He sounded so hurt.
When I weighed my options on telling him, I honestly thought not telling him was the best thing to do, but now, I wished I could turn back the hands of time and just call him the day I found out about Ja’Lani. “I’m sorry.” I had no other words.
“You’re sorry?” He kind of scoffed. “You robbed me and our daughter of our relationship, and for what?” He raised his voice.
“We broke up, Ja’vari. You moved. What was I supposed to do?” I knew my question sounded stupid, but I felt boxed in a corner, and it was the first thing that came to mind.
“Fucking tell me you were pregnant and we were having a child together, not keep her from me,” he roared, and it caused me to jump. “What the hell were you going to do had I not ran into you today? Keep her from me forever?” he questioned loudly. Ja’vari was so loud that I was surprised no one in the restaurant came to check on us. I guessed the bathrooms were far enough away from everyone.
Staring at Ja’vari and seeing his anger really did hurt me. I had really messed up. “Ja’vari, I’m sorry,” was all I could say as tears fell while we stared back at each other.
With hurt and anger covering his features, Ja’vari stared at me while I occasionally looked his way but tried my best to ignore his gaze. “You’re selfish as hell. Just like when you broke up with me, you never considered me. I can’t tell you how to move, but the way you navigate through life, I hope to God our daughter can become a better woman than you, because you ain’t shit,” he said before turning, leaving me standing where I stood.
The tears were already there, but hearing his words caused me to ugly cry, so much so I had to go back into the bathroom and into a stall to be alone. Even when Ja’vari and I argued when we were together, he’d never said anything remotely as hurtful as he had tonight. My feelings were hurt, but I couldn’t even be mad. I’d created the problem myself.