CHAPTER 17
EDGE
The door slammed, followed by Jamie’s broken sob.
I dropped onto the bed, stared up at the ceiling.
I’d fucked it all up.
I’d seen it on Cav’s face the instant I mentioned I’d purposely not brought condoms. He’d been ready to take this to the next level. Like I’d told them, that hadn’t been my plan.
It had seemed rational when I’d come up with it before leaving my apartment tonight. I’d gone so far as to grab several condoms, only to put them back with a frustrated sigh.
It was my only way of ensuring nothing happened that I wasn’t ready for.
“Jamie?” I called out.
Her sobs intensified from the other room.
With a heavy sigh, I got to my feet, found my pants. As I pulled them on, I walked into the other room. She was curled up on the sofa, her head on her knees, arms banded around her legs as though she was holding herself together.
“I’m sorry,” I admitted, although I wasn’t quite sure what for.
For not bringing condoms or for letting her down.
Her head lifted from between her hands. “You’re sorry?”
Perhaps that wasn’t the right thing to say.
She got to her feet, her anger renewed. “Why, Edge? Why are you sorry?”
I didn’t respond. It was rhetorical. Wasn’t it?
Jamie moved toward me, slowly, carefully. “What did you plan for tonight, huh? What exactly were your intentions when you brought us here? You booked the room, right?”
“I did, yes.”
“For what reason? So you didn’t have to drive home?
” She held up her hand before I could respond.
“So all this was for nothing? You wanted to get me up here, to what, Edge? Help me understand your intentions. We’ve been doing this for weeks now.
Every time I think we’re getting closer to …
you know … you put up a wall, change the plan. ”
“I haven’t changed anything,” I clarified. “It’s never been the plan.”
The shock on her face was instant, as though I’d slapped her.
“Your plan,” she shouted. “It’s never been your plan to…”
“You can’t even say it.” I kept my tone low and even, my anger building up to meet hers. “Call it what it is, Jamie.”
“Fine!” She threw up her hands. “Every time I think you’re going to fuck me… Better? Every time you change it up. Tease me, torment me, play with me, but you can’t”—she inhaled, exhaled, glared daggers—“fuck me.”
I swallowed hard. “Is that all you want from me, Jamie? To fuck?”
Confusion replaced the angry expression as she stood before me. “What? Why would you ask me that?”
“It seems fitting.” I waved toward the bedroom. “It was the first thing you asked for.”
“Oh, my God!” She took a step back, sat on the arm of the sofa. “Seriously? You were … you were making me crazy, Edge. You’ve been doing it since the first night at the club. Of course I want that.”
“From the first Dom you spend time with?”
Her eyes widened, and I knew instantly that I’d fucked up. Seriously fucked up.
“I’m sorry, Jamie. I didn’t—”
She launched off the sofa arm and stormed into the bedroom. I could tell she was crying, and it damn near broke me.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” I told her, needing her to listen for a minute.
“You said it, not me.” She grabbed her dress from the floor, her back to me. “That’s what this is to you. Domination and submission. All a game.”
Knowing this was unraveling fast, I took her shoulders, turned her to face me. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“But you did,” she ground out. “That’s all this is to you. I’m supposed to … I don’t know … transform into your ideal submissive, to be the pet you’ve imagined you’d one day have.”
I spun her around to face me. “That’s not true.”
“But it is,” she insisted, reaching for the collar around her neck. She yanked it off, the chain snapping. “This. It’s a symbol, right? For others to know that I belong to you.”
She swallowed hard, and tears glistened in her eyes.
“Your words,” she added, her dark eyes filling with tears as she peered up at me. “That’s what you want, right? When you agreed to train me … that’s been your plan all along. To make me into the ideal submissive. I’m not even a woman to you, am I?”
Feeling that spark of anger ignite, I placed my hands on her shoulders, ensuring she didn’t turn away. “Jamie, I don’t know what the fuck to think of you.”
“What are you talking about?”
I breathed through the pain, the shards of broken, shattered pieces that bounced around in my chest. This wasn’t supposed to be happening.
“Tell me,” she insisted.
“From that first fucking night, you waylaid me, Jamie. Threw me completely off course. I’ve changed everything for you.” I released her, thrust my hand in my hair as I stared up at the ceiling, growled low in my throat, hoping to relieve some of the frustration.
“I didn’t ask you to change anything.”
“Didn’t you?” I snapped.
“No. I didn’t.” Her lips were pursed, her eyes narrowed.
I huffed. “Everything.” Pacing to the window, I stared out, trying to compose myself. “I want you with a passion I don’t recognize. Enough that I’ve lost sight of who I am, what I’ve wanted all along.”
“Which is what, Edge? A submissive?”
I turned to face her. “Yes! One who understands the lifestyle, knows what I need.”
She watched me but didn’t say a word.
“Instead, I get this woman who unhinges me. I’ve modified my entire training class because of you, damn it. Changed everything to ensure you get what you need.”
“See, that’s what I don’t understand,” she said softly.
“The labels. Dominants, submissives. Why not just a man and a woman, Edge? Why does it have to be black or white, and nothing in between?” She wrapped her arms around her middle.
“The only thing I’ve wanted since the night at the club with you and Cav …
the only thing I wanted was the two of you. ”
“You’re a virgin, Jamie.”
Temper flashed in her eyes. “So fucking what? I’m also a woman with needs, a woman who thought she’d found the men she wanted to…”
“To what?”
“I feel something for you and Cav. Have since the beginning. And it grows stronger every day. It hurts to know you don’t feel the same.”
I opened my mouth to say something, closed it.
“Maybe I’m not a submissive in the technical sense.
I don’t know all the positions, haven’t had someone shove toys in my orifices, and command me to do erotic things.
That doesn’t mean I’m not submissive to you.
I don’t need your stupid training class to tell me that, Edge.
” She pressed her fist to her heart. “I know what I feel. And the thought of being your submissive … Cav’s …
I thought it meant something.” She flung her hand toward the bed.
“This is just part of it. I thought we were getting closer. Isn’t that why people… ?”
“Why they what?”
“Have sex. Make love. Fuck. Whatever you want to call it. I thought that was part of it. I thought you wanted me, too. I didn’t realize you were holding it against me.”
“I’m not.”
She looked sad, the anger diminishing. “But you are. Tell me this, Edge. If I wasn’t a virgin, would we be three weeks into this without having sex?”
No, we wouldn’t. I knew that, but I couldn’t say it aloud.
“That’s what I thought.” She reached for her dress again.
“Why do you want me?” I blurted, hating myself for speaking my mind.
She dropped the dress again, turned to face me. I moved toward her.
“Why wouldn’t I want you?” she asked sadly. “You’re handsome, smart, funny, and sexy as hell. You’re rock-steady. Two jobs, friends who can depend on you.”
“I’m twelve years older than you are.”
Jamie rolled her eyes, turned to her dress again. “I just can’t win with you. If it’s not the fact I don’t have a certificate of submission or my virginity, it’s my age.”
I wasn’t sure why, but I reached for her then, pulling her against me, wrapping my arms around her. I pressed my lips to the top of her head and held on tight. Emotion slammed into me, hard, brutal in its intensity. The thought of this woman walking out, of never seeing her again…
I couldn’t even think it.
When Jamie finally put her arms around me, I felt tears sting my eyes, but I fought them back. I wasn’t a man who cried.
“I don’t know who I am anymore,” I admitted. “Everything’s changing. This thing with you. With Cav. The club. Chatter. I don’t know which way is up. I need consistency, Jamie. Otherwise, it’s just chaos.”
As the words spewed from my mouth, I realized I’d been walking around in this state of chaos, unsure which way to go.
There was too much going on. I wanted too much, others wanted too much.
What happened to the simple life I’d been leading before?
I had my roles, others had theirs. It was uncomplicated. This wasn’t.
“Who said it was supposed to be simple?” Jamie asked.
I hadn’t realized I’d been thinking aloud, but clearly, I was losing my mind to top it all off.
I took a step back, stared down at her. “I’m falling for you, Jamie. It’s a first for me.” I rolled my eyes, huffed. “That’s a lie. I’ve already fallen for Cav. Didn’t even realize it. Now I don’t know how to juggle it all, to please everyone and myself at the same time.”
“Have you ever pleased yourself?” she asked.
I tried to understand the question.
“It’s written all over you,” she continued. “Your need to take care of everything. To ensure there’s a plan in place and to follow it. You can’t even enjoy life because you’re standing in your own way.”
Jamie’s hand curled over my cheek, and I leaned into it, closing my eyes.
“I have to. Without a plan, you’ve got chaos. If you deviate … shit happens. Bad shit, Jamie. The plan’s necessary.”
“No, life’s necessary. Living it. Enjoying it. One day at a time.”
I opened my eyes. “I don’t know how to do this, Jamie. How to make everyone happy.”
“You don’t have to. That’s not your job,” she said softly seconds before her lips pressed against mine.
When she didn’t pull back, I slid my tongue into her mouth, licking, tasting, exploring.