CHAPTER 18
EDGE
After leaving Cav’s on Monday, I went back to my apartment. Knowing Cav and Jamie needed time, I decided to give it to them. So, I showered, ran through my emails, had coffee, ate lunch. I did everything I could think of to keep myself busy until it became impossible to sit still.
Coward.
Yes, I was. Not for the first time in my life, I was running from a problem rather than working to fix it.
Ever since that fateful day so long ago, I’d never allowed a situation to escalate without soothing away the nerves, the tempers.
It had cost me then, and I couldn’t risk it costing me now.
However, I knew time would be essential in this case, and if this was going to work the way I wanted, I had to come up with a plan.
Not on the fly, not merely to soothe but to resolve.
My brain was working overtime, my need to fix everything overwhelming me.
That was in my nature, something my past had bred into me.
I was a fixer, hence the reason I felt everything needed to be black and white, never straddling the gray line.
If rules were followed, plans were made, there was less room for mishap.
Yeah? How’d that work for your father? His world dissolved despite his desperate attempt to keep order.
I ignored the voice, refusing to think about my parents, the problems they’d had. Problems they’d hidden from me for most of my life. He had loved my mother, and, in the end, she’d used that love against him.
I did not want to end up there, sitting in a stark white room while the world went on outside the walls, my brain the only interaction I had. The way she had.
Rather than dwell on the issues—past and present—knowing obsessing over it wasn’t going to fix anything, I had headed to the club, where I spent the majority of the next couple of days, thinking, planning, organizing.
I wasn’t sure what spurred me to do it—merely restless energy or something else entirely—but it helped to clear my mind.
By the time Tuesday evening rolled around, I felt as though I’d boxed myself in, wanting something spontaneous while giving in to routine.
Whose fault is that? Oh, right. Yours.
Closing my eyes, I pressed my fingers against the pressure.
I had a class to instruct, which meant I didn’t have time for my own problems. But I did have something to look forward to.
Seeing Cav and Jamie would go a long way toward easing some of the strain.
Since I hadn’t heard from either of them, I was beginning to think that wasn’t going to happen.
The closer the hands on the clock inched toward eight, the more I thought for sure that was going to be the case.
Imagine my surprise when I walked into the training room at three minutes till to find Cav and Jamie at the front of the room while others began filing in.
My gaze swung to them repeatedly while the others settled.
When Talon finally graced us with his presence at exactly eight, I shook off my personal issues and addressed the class.
I had intended to cover the topic of communication between a Dom and their submissive, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Not when I was a failure in that department. So I decided to improvise.
“Although we spent a lot of time in the classroom last week, that won’t be the case going forward,” I announced.
“There’s only so much you can learn through me standing up here.
Most of what you need to know involves your interactions with the trainers.
We’ll start this week by addressing limits.
I’d like the Masters to identify a soft limit and explore it with their submissive.
Whether it be in the dungeon, observing a scene, or in a theme room, experiencing it.
Master’s choice. Tomorrow, we’ll reconvene, discuss the experience, so pay attention.
Not only to your feelings, but also to your reactions to various situations.
Most importantly, be sure to discuss openly with your trainers.
” I forced a smile. “When they give you permission, of course.”
A couple of chuckles sounded, followed by the rustling of chairs, a few commands issued by trainers as they led their charges out of the room. Jane cut a quick look my way, shot a grin before closing the door behind her.
When everyone had left except for Cav and Jamie, I joined them on the far side of the room. Perching on the edge of the table, I glanced between the two of them. Cav was leaning casually against the wall, Jamie kneeling on the floor.
“I’m sure I can restructure the—”
“Shut up,” Cav snapped, pushing off the wall.
Ouch. Looks like he’s taking the reins.
Anger flared hot and bright, setting my defenses in place. I swallowed my own damn pride, then got to my feet. “I know our personal issues have no business here.”
“What are you talkin’ about?” Cav shot out, moving closer. “No business here? As in that’s completely separate?”
“Yes.”
“How do you figure? I thought you were a Dom outside these walls, too? A man who’s aligned his life to mirror this lifestyle? Isn’t that what all this is about in the first place?”
I squared off with him.
When Jamie had left my bed early Monday morning, her exit hadn’t gone unnoticed.
I’d been awake and not that far behind as she slipped into the hall as silently as possible.
Although I had wanted to go after her, to make her face the issue, I’d done the opposite, running from it myself.
My half-ass apology to Cav seemed to have disappeared right along with everything else that had transpired in the past week.
“I’m not playing a game,” I assured him.
Oh, but you are. You just won’t accept it.
“Could’ve fooled me.”
“Look,” I bit out with a hefty sigh. “I know I fucked up. I apologized. I won’t blame the two of you if—”
Cav cut me off, stepping into my personal space. “Shut up while you’re ahead, Edge.”
I glared at him, unable to come up with a rebuttal.
“Is that how this works?” Cav asked, waving around the room as he paced away. “You stand up here, tell the submissives what they should and shouldn’t do, what a Dom should and shouldn’t do, but you don’t heed your own advice?”
“I—”
Cav spun around and pointed at me. “I said shut up.”
I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen him this pissed off before.
You bring out the best in people.
“We’re here tonight because we want to be here.” He shot a look at Jamie, who was still kneeling, her head down. “Not because we’re obligated.” His gaze cut to mine. “You, on the other hand…”
“I’m not obligated to do anything,” I countered.
Unless it’s in the plan. Then it must be followed. Right?
“You’re the teacher, Edge. The professor. Tell me you don’t have an obligation to this class.”
“Sure, I do, but—”
“You’re always spoutin’ shit about how communication is key,” he continued, speaking over me.
“Yet you’re the fucking worst at communication.
” He paused, swallowed. “The other night, you decided to control the situation, to mold it the way you expected it to play out. Without bothering to find out what we wanted.”
I didn’t argue. That much was true.
Because it’s always true.
“And now you’re gonna realign the class, to push us away because what? It’s the easy way out?”
“Fuck you,” I hissed. “I don’t take the easy way out.”
He barked a laugh, his eyes hard. “You’ve always taken the easy way out, Edge.
You’ve got this idea of what perfection looks like.
The perfect submissive, perfect Dom. Hell, the perfect relationship.
And if it doesn’t conform, if it’s not simple, you avoid it.
Not just in your personal relationships, either. ”
“Bullshit.”
He cocked his head. “Have you given Parker an answer on becoming partner?”
“That has nothing to do with this.”
He snarled. “It has everything to do with this. If it’s too much of a complication, you nix the idea.
If there’s the possibility of confrontation, you avoid it.
If it’s not easy, you go the opposite direction.
Hell, if I had to guess, you’re considering quittin’ either the club or Chatter because it’s too much for you. ”
Damn, he’s got your number.
I focused on breathing. In, out.
“Well, I don’t much care for easy,” he said, his tone softening somewhat.
“What I do care about is you and Jamie. That’s why I’m here.
Not because of your stupid fucking training.
I know what I need to know. And to be honest, Jamie doesn’t need formal training.
This lifestyle you’ve focused on … it’s not who you are, but somewhere along the way, you lost sight of that.
” He walked over to Jamie. “Stand, cupcake.”
Jamie took his hand, allowed him to help her to her feet.
“Tonight, we’re gonna take a page out of your book, Edge. We’re gonna show her what it means to tackle the hard things, to step out of your comfort zone.” He placed a hand on the small of her back and urged her toward the door. “And I hope like fucking hell you learn something.”
When he walked out, I remained where I was for a moment.
Don’t you dare let them walk away. You’re a fucking fool if you do.
Cav was right. I did take the easy way out.
I ran the other direction in order to avoid it if I thought there was too much work to be done.
It was the very reason I’d avoided Justin for so long.
My job had been cushy, easy. Why change?
Then he had beaten me down, and to avoid confrontation, I’d caved.
Now I had a job that paid me significantly more than my last, and I was considering bailing on them.
Because it wasn’t fucking easy.
Take a page from your own book.
Yeah.
Cav was right. It was high time I did.
Jamie
I didn’t know what to expect when I came to the club tonight, but that … Cav’s blowup certainly hadn’t been it.