Chapter Nine
CHAPTER NINE
‘S ienna, come away from the window.’ Sienna ignored Amelia’s demand and stayed exactly where she was, almost with her nose pressed against the glass. ‘Sienna, I am serious. Standing watching for someone to arrive is unseemly.’
‘He won’t see me from this angle.’ Even though she protested, Sienna moved back into the room and Amelia heaved a sigh of relief. She didn’t want Ash to think either she or Sienna was desperately awaiting his arrival, especially as she wasn’t. After much deliberation and two sleepless nights and vaguely talking it over with Helena, Amelia had made the offer to help him with his finances. She had turned the matter over and over but in the end, it came down to family pride. Her father had got the Ashworth family into their current situation and therefore, she owed it to them, at the very least, to offer to help find their way out of it.
It couldn’t matter, she had argued with herself, about her own feelings. She may not want anything to do with Ash but she knew her father would want her to try to make amends for the harm he had unwittingly done. So armed with that knowledge, she had braved a visit to Ash. She should have taken a chaperone but because she knew that neither she nor Ash would want anyone else to know about their financial circumstances, she hadn’t.
She had half expected Ash to refuse to see her. She would have been able to return home with her conscience clear knowing that she had tried to make things right. But he had invited her in and had let her talk. She’d known Ash was very different from her late husband, had known that from the start, but their discussion had been further proof of it.
Mortram had not wanted her to have an idea that wasn’t related to anything outside of what he had considered the female area of expertise. If she had tried to engage him in conversation about the household finances, he would pat her on the head and tell her not to concern herself with anything she couldn’t possibly understand. She hadn’t been allowed to talk about money, politics or even sport because they were all gentlemanly pursuits and were not something Mortram had believed she could wrap her mind around.
Ash had listened to everything she’d had to say with an intensity that couldn’t be faked. He had not dismissed her advice or questioned whether or not she understood what she was talking about.
Admitting to him that her father had made mistakes had been painful, but she knew Ash would not tell other people. Ash had held her father in high esteem and would not want people to know that her father had lost his mind in the later part of his life.
Besides, she trusted Ash with her secrets, if not her heart. At any point, he could also have done a lot worse to Amelia than tell the world that her father had been responsible for the Ashworths’ loss of money. One whisper from him about what had passed between them all those years ago and Amelia would be ruined forever. But she was sure he hadn’t. Aside from the fact that she believed that wasn’t the sort of person he was, if he had done it, she would have been subjected to salacious comments or snide glances or snubbed altogether, and that had not happened. No matter how let down she had felt by him in the past, she knew him not to be a gossip.
It had surprised her when he had invited her into his study. The room had smelled of leather-bound books and the faint whiff of his scent. It had been filled with the things he enjoyed: large maps of the world, a model ship and old carvings he’d done as a child. It had been a little like stepping into his mind and finding a familiar, comfortable place.
She’d said her piece and left him to think it over. Now that she’d had a few days distance from him, she had convinced herself he was not going to take her up on the offer. Men did not like to be told what to do by women, and he would probably find it galling to take financial advice from her, not least because of their past. And that was a relief, despite the pang around her heart whenever she thought about it. She would be able to sleep at night knowing that she had done the right thing and could continue the rest of the season with her plan to enjoy herself. It would be disappointing not to have someone investing in her name, but she was a very wealthy woman already and would not miss the added wealth.
Sienna was standing in the middle of the room now, bouncing on the tips of toes, giving every impression that Ash’s arrival was the pinnacle of her season. Her sister had given no indication that she was interested in Ash as a potential suitor, but it hadn’t escaped Amelia’s attention that a lot of the debutantes were interested in him this season. Although Amelia was very busy enjoying herself and not glancing at Ash whenever his back was turned, it was hard to miss the blushing glances sent in his direction by the women of the ton. ‘I thought you said Ash was too old for you.’
Sienna made a snort of disgust. ‘I’ve told you before I am not interested in Ash for myself but I am very intrigued to meet him after all this time.’
‘You have met him many times before.’ Amelia did not like where this conversation was going. Sienna’s excitement could only mean one thing; she was looking forward to his arrival because of reasons to do with Amelia.
‘Yes, but now I have received a letter from Rose and I have a lot of questions.’
‘Rose barely knows him!’ It was true that Ash and Amelia were closest in age and had grown up together, indulging rather than inviting confidences with their younger siblings.
‘Rose remembers you when you and Ash were—’ Sienna cocked her head to one side, clearly pondering what to say next ‘—more friendly than you are now. She says you were more carefree and I want to get to know the man who made you that way.’
Amelia’s heart turned over uncomfortably. She’d thought she hadn’t changed, at least outwardly, when Ash had gone and then later, when she’d known she was going to have to marry Mortram. She’d done her best to put on a happy front whenever she was around her younger siblings; she had not wanted them to know how difficult her marriage had been for her. She’d wanted at least the three of them to be happy, otherwise, what had been the point? ‘Of course I was more carefree in the days when our families were closer. I was a young woman whose parents were still alive. The most I had to worry about was whether or not my dress matched my hair colour.’
Sienna studied her intently. ‘What do you have to worry about now if it’s not your appearance?’
‘Nothing! I am incredibly at ease with life.’
‘Then why are you always in a snit with me?’
Amelia reeled backwards as if she had been slapped across the cheek.
‘Oh, there is no need to look like that,’ Sienna continued. ‘You are the very best of sisters. I know how lucky I am to have you by my side this season but… I worry.’
‘ You worry.’ Amelia knew she was getting wound up at the very moment she should have been trying to relax herself. She did not want Ash to arrive and find her screaming like a fishwife but she did not appear to be able to stop. Sienna had no right to worry, that was Amelia’s job, and she did it enough for her whole family. ‘You do not understand the meaning of the word. Try having three siblings who depend on you and then come back to me to discuss the concept of worry.’
Sienna’s eyes flashed but her voice remained calm. Perhaps she was maturing after all but Amelia was too cross to acknowledge it. ‘Yes, I worry. I hear you saying how much you are going to enjoy yourself this season but I do not see it happening. If anything, you are becoming increasingly unhappy. You are brittle and anxious and snappy. When we are out in society you smile and laugh but it is not with your true warmth and humour. I fear Marcus destroyed your ability to enjoy yourself, so I will not apologise for being excited at the prospect of meeting a man who used to make you laugh so hard you could barely walk. Now, if you will excuse me.’ Sienna puffed herself up to her full height. ‘I should like to change my outfit. I caught a glance of myself in the polished vase and I do not think I suit this colour as well as I thought.’
Sienna held her head high and stalked from the room leaving Amelia staring after her, her mouth slightly agape. She closed it, remembering all too well Marcus’s comments on the way leaving her lips apart made her look like a halfwit. He did not like it if she appeared to be anything less than a calm, well-mannered lady. He certainly would not have enjoyed the past few minutes of shouting between her and her sister, and would have treated Amelia with cold disdain for at least a week until she had been as obsequious as possible for the amount of time he deemed appropriate. It wasn’t that he had been a cruel man as such. Amelia had heard terrible tales of men beating their wives but that had not been Marcus’ sway. He preferred to let his discontent be known by slowly wearing down Amelia’s spirit with a well-placed lowering comment or even the slight downturn of the lips when he caught sight of her in a dress of which he did not approve.
Amelia reminded herself, as she always did when her thoughts turned to her late husband, that Marcus had saved her family; without him they would have been thrown out of their home and left to make their own way in the world. She would have suffered far worse than stern disapproval if that had been the case. At that stage, she’d had no knowledge of how the world worked and would have been an easy target for anyone wanting to take advantage of an innocent young woman.
She stood and slowly made her way over to the window, hanging back a little from the pane of glass. The street below was quiet; a gentle breeze rippled through the large trees in the park opposite. She watched a family of sparrows flit in and out of the bare branches, disappearing one moment before bravely darting out to find some food on the ground. In the cold, dark days of her marriage, scenes like the one before her would ground her. She would watch and know that no matter what was happening within the four walls of their townhouse, the world was going on as it should. And when things were really bad, she could remind herself that at least she was not like the little birds she saw; she did not have to scrabble around in the dirt to find food.
She touched the necklace she wore around her neck, running her fingers along the chain that held a beautiful stone in place. When she’d come out of mourning, she’d bought it for herself, a gift to remind her to enjoy life and all that it had to offer now that she had the freedom and the money to do so. This season was not turning out how she had wanted it to. Sienna was right that she was forcing herself to smile and laugh with her friends. She had wanted to relax and truly indulge herself with food and dancing and a little light flirtation, and yet she was bordering on miserable and she wasn’t quite sure why. She’d told Ash that she missed investing and it was true. It was such an exhilarating pastime that having to stop because she had no male name to hide behind was making the season flat. But the melancholic air that touched her whenever she was attending events that should be nothing but fun couldn’t only be down to that.
And then there was Ash. Wherever she went she was acutely aware of him. Oh, she could pretend to herself that she wasn’t, but perhaps it would be kinder to herself to acknowledge the truth. When they were in the same room, she always knew where he was. If someone mentioned his name, it caused a physical ache to sweep through her, an echo of the pain she’d experienced when she’d realised he was never going to write back to her and that their love was over.
Sienna was right. Amelia wasn’t happy and she was taking it out on the only sibling she had left at home. She needed to find peace with Ash. Only when she was fully recovered from the hurt he had caused her could she move on and find true happiness this season.
Amelia heard the sound of hooves on the cobbled road before she saw him. She should move away; she’d told Sienna not to watch for his arrival so obviously, but she reasoned she was far enough back that Ash would not spot her looking out at him.
His dark hair was ruffled by the wind and he was smiling as he brought his phaeton to a stop in front of her house. He spoke to his groom before jumping down. One of her stable hands rushed out to ask him about the horses. Amelia watched as Ash spoke to the young lad, smiling and gesturing to the man remaining in the open carriage. Amelia couldn’t see the stable hand’s face but his head was turned attentively towards Ash and he nodded several times. By the time Ash was striding up the steps to her front door the lad was laughing as he rubbed the nose of one of Ash’s horses. Amelia was reminded forcibly of the ease with which Ash spoke to people no matter their status in society. Ash was never the loudest in a group but he was always the one someone turned to if they were feeling unsure or needed a kind word.
His thoughtfulness was one of the reasons the two of them had become such close friends. She’d been very shy as a young girl. When their families had joined together she had hidden in the library, not because she loved books that much but because the room was quiet and mostly empty. He had sought her out, gently coaxing words from her until she was laughing with him and forgetting all about her anxiety at large gatherings. He had broken through her self-imposed walls and she had adored him for it, following him around like a devoted puppy.
There was no doubt that he had revelled in her devotion when they were still children. Their friendship at that time had not been completely equal. She’d loved him with an intensity that probably hadn’t been healthy. She’d wanted to be the perfect person for him, so that he would still want to be around her. She knew their families joked about the two of them marrying at some point. It was what she had wanted above all things, although she had never told him as much and he had never joined in the good-natured teasing.
It hadn’t been until after he’d returned from university the first time that their relationship had changed dramatically, and that had ultimately ended in heartbreak. Amelia was so lost in her thoughts of the past that she jumped at the knock on her sitting room door. She scurried from the window, as Daniels, her lovely butler, stepped into the room announcing Ash’s arrival with him following close on Daniels’s heels. She got the same punch to the stomach she always did when she caught sight of Ash; sadness, yes, but also longing, a physical ache to touch and to be touched.
‘Would you like to partake of some tea before you leave?’ Daniels asked her.
‘No, thank you. We shall be leaving shortly. If you could send word to Sienna that we are ready to depart, I would be grateful.’ Daniels bowed respectfully before taking his leave.
Her sitting room, which until this moment had seemed the perfect size, suddenly seemed too small; either that or Ash was too big. His presence seemed to take up most of the space; his maleness was ever more apparent in the very feminine room.
‘Would you like to take a seat?’ she said when their slightly awkward greeting was over. ‘Sienna went to change her outfit, which could take anything between five and fifteen minutes.’
Ash lowered himself onto the seat opposite the one she took. The spindly chair groaned as he settled his weight onto it and he pulled a face. She snorted and he shot her a grin. ‘I’m not sure this is such a good idea.’
‘Nonsense. That is a Burbridger original. They are a very reputable company and build their furniture to last for generations. Besides…’
He shifted on the chair, which protested vigorously. ‘Besides?’
She pressed her hand over her lips; she did not want him to see how much she was enjoying herself. Then she remembered her vow to let go of her bitterness towards him and dropped her hands to her lap, so Ash could see her true smile. ‘Besides, if it does break it might not be the worst thing.’
He raised an eyebrow. ‘Because I will be dumped unceremoniously to the floor?’
She laughed and his eyes sparkled in response. ‘I did not say that.’
‘But that is clearly what you thought.’
‘It might be perfect revenge for the great event of 1797 known within my family as the Destruction of the Table.’
He pressed a hand to his chest, playing along with her teasing, and for the first time in a long time, her heart was lighter. ‘I cannot believe you would throw that accusation at me after all these years. I believe I proved my innocence at the time. I was nowhere near the table when it collapsed sending the contents crashing onto the priceless rug below.’
She narrowed her eyes. ‘That is only because you ran away, very quickly may I add, after the initial damage was done. Were you not cowering in the flowerbeds by the time the snapped-off leg was discovered in the most devastating of ways?’
His eyes widened with fake dismay. ‘First, I would never cower. Even at the tender age of eight, I would face my crimes like a man. And second, I know that it was you who rolled into the table thereby weakening the integral structure of the table leg, which unfortunately could not bear the weight of anything heavier than a sheet of paper henceforth.’
‘It was you who rolled me into the table.’
‘Aha, so you admit that it was you who caused the damage. If only there was a witness who could finally clear my name.’ Ash glanced about the room as if seeking out a person to make a record of her confession. She laughed again and a grin spread across his face, his dimples popping. She realised as he did so that it was the first time she’d seen him look like this since he’d returned from the war. At every event she saw him, he was always smiling but only now was she seeing his proper smile, the way it lit up his eyes, the darkness receding.
They were still grinning at each other when Sienna made her presence known by lightly coughing.
‘Ah, there you are, my dear,’ said Amelia, scrambling to her feet, her face burning as she caught sight of Sienna’s poorly disguised smirk. ‘We should depart. It is such a perfect day for a walk in the park and Ash has brought his phaeton, so we shall have a lovely ride in order to get there.’ She was babbling and she knew it. Unfortunately, Ash and Sienna knew her well enough to know it, too.
‘I’m ready,’ said Sienna when Amelia mercifully trailed off.
‘Excellent. Let us depart.’ Ash was still smiling as they left the sitting room, and something strange and fluttery took flight within Amelia’s rib cage.