12. Jett
12
JETT
“Do you have any cherries?”
I looked up from where I’d been staring blankly at the bar in front of me. “Sorry?”
“Oh my god, you’re hot!” Nick exclaimed from the other side of the bar.
“I am?” I couldn’t stop the corners of my mouth from lifting in a smile. Nick’s brain was as crazy as mine. He just said everything he thought out loud, whereas I’d learned to keep things in my inner monologue.
“Heck yeah! Well, you were always hot. But now you’re leveled up hot.” He leaned closer and peered at me shrewdly. “Is it real?”
“My nose ring?” I wanted to be sure we were talking about the same thing before I answered.
He nodded.
“It’s real. I got it done yesterday before work.”
“How did I not know that? Did I see you yesterday?” Nick looked up, like he was cycling through his memories. “I did, but ”—he grinned triumphantly—“you had on that silver mesh shirt, and it distracted me. You know how sparkles and sexy arms are my weaknesses.”
“You wanted cherries?” I asked, bringing the conversation back to where it started.
“Right!” Nick beamed a big smile at me. “With stems, please.”
“How many do you need?” I went to the fridge where we kept the prepped fruit.
“Four should be good.”
I put four pitted cherries in a small glass and handed it to him. “Dare I ask why you want these?”
He snickered. “Nothing nefarious. I just need to prove to a couple of doubters that I can tie one of these with my mouth quicker than them.”
“You can do that?”
He nodded. “It’s a fun party trick.” He looked at me closer. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, why?” I said, not quite lying but not telling the whole truth.
“You’ve been weird lately.” He put the cup down on the bar. “Distant and a bit spacey. Are you sure everything is okay?”
I started to tell him I was fine but stopped.
“They’re not not okay,” I said with a sigh.
Nick’s expression softened. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Did I?
In order to talk about it, I’d have to tell Nick I was into guys.
I still didn’t know why I was keeping it quiet. I’d fully accepted and even embraced that I was a queer man. I’d let go of all the shame and fear I’d felt for so many years, but for some reason, I still couldn’t tell anyone I cared about the truth.
Lying to everyone, even if it was a lie of omission, sucked. I’d spent my entire life surrounded by hypocrites and liars. People who’d condemn and judge you, then turn around and do all the things that were supposedly forbidden.
Leaving home had taught me that relationships based on lies were essentially a house of cards waiting to come tumbling down. No one from back home had reached out to me, not a single person. Most of the people I thought were my friends, the people I’d grown up with and trusted, had blocked me without even wanting to hear my side of the story.
They were what my Aunt Tabby called fair-weather friends. People who were only your friends when it was easy and convenient for them. People who only cared about you as long as you didn’t rock the boat or dare to step out of line.
The friends I’d made here were different. They cared about me. They’d accepted me into their found family without reservation, and I was repaying them by lying.
The guys at work, as well as Becca and Chanel, had shown me more loyalty and love than my own family and community ever had, and I still couldn’t drop my guard and let them see the real me.
I hadn’t even realized how much keeping such a big thing hidden had been weighing me down. How much of a disconnect it had created with everyone because I was afraid to tell them the truth.
Maybe it was time to break that. And Nick would be the perfect person to practice coming out with.
Nick and I weren’t especially close, but we were friends. And I needed to talk to someone who understood what it meant to be a queer man. Becca and Chanel were awesome, but they looked at everything through the lens of straight women. Nick was bi like me, and he was open-minded. He understood things about queer culture that I’d barely scratched the surface of.
And as flighty and chaotic as Nick was, he was fiercely loyal and protective of the people he cared about. He loved with his whole heart, and I trusted him. He’d keep my secrets if I asked him to.
“I’m having some guy issues.”
Nick opened his mouth, then closed it. “When you say guy trouble,” he started slowly. “Do you mean like the kind that involves a naked guy, or fully clothed guys?”
“Naked guys.” My heart skittered in my chest as I watched his expression go from cautious to shocked to excited.
“Then you’ve come to the right person.” He slid onto the stool next to him and folded his hands demurely. “Okay, barkeep. Tell me your woes.”
I let out a nervous laugh as my fear melted away. I’d made the right call confiding in Nick.
“Well, this is a bit awkward. I need you to promise not to tell anyone what I’m about to say,” I said, hating that I even had to ask this of him.
“Of course. I’d never tell anyone you’re…whatever you are.”
“I’m bi.”
This time, instead of fear, pride warmed my chest.
Saying the words out loud to Nick was freeing in ways I hadn’t even realized it would be.
“But,” I continued. “That’s not the only part I need you to keep quiet.”
“Yeah, of course. I’m a vault.” He grinned. “Heck, I’ve forgotten more secrets than I remember. You might actually have to remind me about this conversation in a few weeks because my brain doesn’t work as well after midnight.”
“Pretty sure you won’t be forgetting this after I tell you.”
“Okay. Now I’m really curious.” He made a ‘tell me’ motion with his hand. “Hit me. You can’t cliffhanger me after all that buildup.”
“Well, I think I went on a date with a couple.”
Nick’s eyes bugged out, and his jaw dropped like it had been unhinged.
“And I kinda hooked up with them a few times before the maybe date.”
He snapped his mouth shut and blinked at me like a shocked cherub.
I let him sit with that for a few seconds.
“Wow.” Nick shook his head like he was clearing it. “Yeah. Definitely won’t be forgetting that in a few weeks. But I am going to need some context if you want advice.” He paused. “Do you want advice? Or just to vent?”
“Advice. Please.”
He nodded and rolled his hand in a ‘go on’ motion.
“I went to a club a while ago, and I ended up hooking up with a couple.”
“And just to be clear, a couple like a guy and a girl, or two guys?”
“Two guys.”
“Okay. That’s what I thought. Continue.”
“I figured it would be the only time I saw them. But I was wrong.”
Nick winced. “Oof, I’m feeling a ton of sympathy pains for you right now because that discovery can only be awkward as fuck.”
“Oh yeah.”
“Did you run into them somewhere?” he asked. “Is that how the date happened?”
“Not exactly. They’re the new guys on the crew.”
He froze. “You mean Quinn’s crew?”
I nodded.
“Holy guacamole.” He slapped his hand over his mouth to cover up a nervous-sounding laugh. “I’m so sorry,” he said around his hand. “I don’t mean to laugh because this is soooo not funny, but my brain just short-circuited picturing that, and that’s what came out.”
“It’s okay.” I shot him a wry grin. “You’re gonna laugh your ass off when you hear about how I had a panic attack when I saw them three days after they spit-roasted me in a hotel room.”
Nick dropped his hand, his face twisted up in sympathy. “I’d never laugh at that. It sounds awful. I’ve had panic attacks, and they’re the worst feeling ever.”
I sighed. “Yeah. It wasn’t my finest moment.”
“What happened next?”
“Not a whole lot. We talked and decided to keep things quiet. I’m not out, and people don’t know about them picking up thirds. I shouldn’t even tell you, but I need to talk to someone about it.”
“I promise I won’t say a word to anyone,” he said seriously. “You can trust me.”
“I know.” I sighed, more of the weight lifting from my shoulders.
“That’s a lot to deal with,” he said softly. “What else happened?”
“Remember when I moved into my new place?”
He nodded.
“They stayed after everyone left, and we hooked up again.”
Nick kept quiet.
“We went back to just being friends, but then things at work changed. Or at least I think they did. It’s hard to explain, but we agreed to be friends, and we are, but sometimes it feels like things aren’t just friendly between us.”
“How do you mean?”
“Like yesterday. I was talking about getting this done.” I pointed to my nose. “And somehow that turned into the three of us going out to dinner and them taking me to my appointment before work.”
“That could be a friends thing,” he said thoughtfully. “What feels different?”
“Just the way they look at me. Or how some of their smiles seem extra familiar. And they paid for my dinner.” I scrubbed one hand through my hair, not caring about messing up the carefully styled strands. My shift was over. It didn’t matter what I looked like. “I’m probably seeing things because I have no idea how normal relationships work, but it feels like they were flirting with me.”
“It’s possible they were, even if you decided to be friends. Some people are just like that. Do they flirt with the other guys? What about Quinn? They’ve known him forever.”
I shook my head. “Not even a little.”
“That kills that theory.” Nick tapped his lips thoughtfully. “How were they at your appointment?”
“Amazing. I was really nervous, and they kept me distracted. Wes held my hands, and Ez talked me through the whole thing. They even texted me a few times last night to make sure I was okay and checked in with me before work today too.”
“That doesn’t really sound like a friend thing, but it’s not not a friend thing.” Nick made a face. “It’s a good thing they’re not air traffic controllers with all the mixed signals they’re tossing at you. These boys are confusing as heck.”
“That they are.”
“What about the last time you hooked up with them? Did you guys talk about it after?”
“Sort of. They didn’t say it was a mistake or anything, but the vibe was off. I thought they regretted it or that it wasn’t as good for them as I thought it was, but then on Monday they were all smiles and silly jokes, and I have no idea what any of it means.”
“That is a conundrum.” He shot me another sympathetic look. “Do you want them to flirt with you?”
“What do you mean?”
“I think the big question is, do you want this to be flirting? If you don’t, then you can just ignore it and wait until they either say something or you settle into whatever your new friendship looks like.”
“And if I want it to be flirting?” I asked, my mouth going dry.
“Then you need to decide if you want to wait things out and see if they make a move or say something. Or you do it first.” He plucked one of the cherries out of the cup and put the fruit in his mouth, tearing it off the stem.
“How am I supposed to talk to them about this?” I leaned against the bar tiredly. “And what if I’m wrong? What if this really is just them being friendly, and I mess things up because I’m stupid enough to think they’d want anything to do with me?”
“Hey now, no being mean to yourself,” Nick said seriously. “This is a confusing situation. I’m guessing the idea of a triad or being a third wasn’t even on your radar until them.”
“Not at all.” I huffed out a laugh. “I didn’t even know what a threesome was until I was seventeen, and that’s only because I discovered porn.”
“You didn’t watch porn until you were seventeen?” Nick blinked at me. “I guess that’s not a bad thing. I was watching it waaaaay too young. But back to your thing. This is a totally new situation for you. Of course it’s confusing and messing with your head. That doesn’t mean you’re stupid.”
“Are you going to tell me to be kind to myself?” I smirked.
“Yup. And you’re gonna listen because I’m your official, unofficial boss. Remember?” He shot me a stern look.
“Yes, sir.”
He grinned and picked up another cherry. “I gotta get everyone to start calling me sir.” Using his teeth, he tore the fruit from the stem and chewed. “What do you want?”
“What do you mean?”
“With them. If you had your choice, what would they be to you? Friends? Hookup buddies? Boyfriends?”
“Boyfriends is off the table.” I dropped my gaze to the bar. “But maybe hookup buddies.”
“Why is boyfriends off the table? You said you thought you went on a date with them. Dates are kinda the opposite of a hookup buddy.”
“They only do this for fun. It’s a way for them to play out their fantasies.” I grabbed a rag from under the bar and wiped the area around me, just for something to do. “They’ve been together since they were in high school. There’s no way two men as deeply in love with each other as they are would want more than just a plaything.”
“Nope.” He wagged his finger at me. “Rephrase that. You’re not a plaything, and I’m sure they don’t think of you that way.”
“A casual third?” I tried.
“Better.” He grabbed another cherry and twirled the stem so the fruit spun in dizzying circles. “But do you want to be their friend, or more? That’s the crux of it.”
“More.” I went to scrub my hand over my face but stopped at the last second. Probably not a good idea to rub bar rag water on my new piercing. “Maybe. I don’t know.”
“It sounds like right now isn’t the time to figure this out,” he said gently.
“It really isn’t. I barely slept last night.” I sighed. “My head was too busy.”
“That happens to me too.” Nick made a face. “I hate it.”
“It’s been like this for weeks.” I put the rag away. “I swear I’m only getting four, maybe five hours of sleep a night. I’m exhausted all the time.”
“That’s not safe. Your job is dangerous if you’re sleepy.”
“Yup. So I’m tired and stressed the fuck out because I’m scared I’m going to hurt someone or mess up and get fired.”
“Quinn’s not gonna fire you unless you do something heinous or super dangerous, so try not to stress out about that. And I’m sure he’d be extra understanding if you told him you had some personal stuff going on so he can be aware that you’re struggling. He’s not just your boss, he’s your friend. Save the stress for workplace safety issues.”
“Yes, sir.”
He grinned. “I like being the boss. It’s fun having people do what I say. But back to your stress problems. Is there something you can do to help you sleep? You’re gonna burn out if you keep going like this.”
“Not really. I’ve tried sleeping pills and stuff, but they don’t really work for me. And the things that do work aren’t things I want to get in the habit of using.”
“Booze?” he asked, understanding crossing his angelic features.
“Yup.” I grabbed a little bottle of hand sanitizer and flipped open the cap.
“Been there.” He shot me a commiserating look. “It sucks that sometimes the only thing that helps our brains are the things that hurt them.”
“Yup.” I squirted some of the sanitizer in my hand and hastily rubbed it in.
“Hey, Jett?” Dean, one of the other bartenders, said as he poked his head into the back of the bar.
“Yeah?”
“Boss said we’re good to go.”
“Thanks.” I turned back to Nick. “I guess that means you’re done too.”
Nick tossed a look over his shoulder just as the back room door banged open and Gray and the twins came spilling out.
“Yuppers.” He looked at me closely. “Is your head any less busy?”
“A little.”
“I’m glad.” He grabbed the last cherry out of the cup. “Looks like I’ll have to show off my skills next week.” He popped it in his mouth and dropped the stem back into the cup with the others. “Text me if you wanna talk things out some more. I mean it. Boss’s orders.”
“Thanks. I will.”
With another beaming smile, he slid off the stool just as Gray came up to us and slung his arm around Nick’s shoulders. “Did you forget you were going to show Dash and the twins up? We thought you got lost.”
“Nope, just distracted.” Nick stole Gray’s backward baseball cap and plunked it on his own head. “You know how my brain goes wonky after midnight.”
Gray smiled affectionately. “I do. Come on. Time to hand you over to your big, scary bodyguard.”
“Psssshhhh.” Nick made a dismissive sound. “Vlado’s a teddy bear. You just have to know how to handle him.” He looked back at me. “All good?”
I nodded.
“See you on Monday.” Gray upnodded me.
“See ya.”
“Bye.” Nick waved. “Text me if you need to,” he added as Gray dragged him away from the bar and toward the front door.
On autopilot, I finished closing down the bar and went to get my bag and sweater so I could head out too.
Like all the bartenders, I wore club clothes at work. The sheer muscle shirt I had on was great for tips, but not so much fun in the chilly night air.
I didn’t feel better, per se, but I felt less burdened. I’d told Nick I’m bi, and nothing bad had happened. Maybe that was a sign that it was time to start telling the other people in my life.
But after I figured out what the hell was going on with Ezra and Wes.
One crisis at a time.