Chapter 45
The absence of Nina’s attay felt like swimming through the ocean at night. It was endless darkness. It was fear and hopelessness.
It was being back in the cell deep below the acllahuasi where she had convinced herself that she was nobody. That her life
meant nothing.
There was no end to it. Nothing to grab on to. As she waded through the brackish waters, she heard snippets of conversation
and saw flashes of images.
Atik’s face above hers, soothing words, and evil eyes.
Sacha, limp and pliant in her arms, words spoken but left unsaid.
Nina tumbled through the darkness, and she wondered and waited. She felt hopelessly afraid and relentlessly vengeful. A fire
burned in her belly and threatened to destroy everything she was, everything she hoped to be.
Her mamay’s voice spoke to her. Be cunning. Be fast. Be strong. Her tayta’s eyes pleaded with her. Lali’s cries could be heard in the distance. Sacha’s hand was in her own. Samaq’s blood
soaked the ground at her feet.
Spare no one, Nina. Kill them all.
Their lifeless eyes stared at the sky and Nina’s hands were slick with their blood. You’ve failed, the gods said, and then they took her attay.
Nina was the Girl from Master Wara’s story. She was Pachamama. She was herself and nobody and everybody who had ever dreamed
and wanted for more. Was she supposed to love or kill? Hope or hate? They filled her equally, warred for space within her,
thrashed against each other until she felt full to the brim, ready to implode.
Nina didn’t know what was said and what was remembered and what was fabricated by the terrors in her mind.
There was no way to tell how much time had passed, but she knew the ground beneath her rocked, that they moved ever forward toward a bloody end.
She saw herself in the reflection, dipped in red.
Voices mocked her for believing she was powerful enough to stop this, to stop them.
The gods laughed at the emperor’s efforts to please them. They spoke to Nina of her purpose. You will change the world, she heard them say, but it was Shayim’s voice, and then it was Chaska’s, and then it was her own.
All the while, Nina poked and prodded. She found the holes in her memory where the light did not shine. She brought them to
the surface and let the hurt of betrayal remind her of who she was.
The betrayal of the gods for using her to suit their needs.
The betrayal of her parents for not preparing her for this power.
The betrayal of Kasik, a man who confused honor with cowardice.
The betrayal of herself, to have ever believed she was no one to anyone.
Because she was someone. The emperor had chosen her. The gods had chosen her, and she had wished for nothing more than for them to forget her.
But they refused, and she would make it so they could never know anything else but her rage, never speak any other name than
hers, never feel any other warmth but her fire.
She would become their greatest enemy, and she would destroy their world to remind them of what they made.