Chapter 20 #2
“I can’t take fatherly advice from you when you’ve never been a father.
” I took a step back and exhaled. “Look, man, I’m not a disrespectful ass nigga.
I swear I’m not. I just… Something about you brings out the worst in me,” I admitted.
“That’s why I don’t answer your calls, never write nor visit.
Being around you makes me feel like I gotta push shit to the limit and I hate it,” I confessed.
“Stone—”
“You left when I needed you the most without a plan, a job, or a fucking clue with four mouths to feed and more enemies than fucking money.”
I realized my voice was shaking and I wasn’t sure how the fuck my pops always got my emotions to flare but this wasn’t new.
I either hated him or felt like I was down to do whatever to get his acceptance.
Sometimes I thought he was the best thing because I had a good amount of memories of us hanging out and enjoying time together but then I remembered we were hanging out because we were moving drugs.
As an adult it was hard to find compassion for someone who’d been fucking every woman he could without protection. He got partial credit for not trying to force anyone to get an abortion but he hadn’t even raised his kids and ruined several women in the process and for what?
He was a bullshit ass drug dealer trying to figure out his life and had been selfish enough to just keep bringing lives into the world that he didn’t raise or spend time with. Nah. He’d left that job to me and Elijah who’d given us everything he could, including his freedom.
I liked to think about where we would all be if we’d had a better father, if Elijah and I hadn’t turned to moving drugs to take care of our siblings.
Shit. Would I have gone to college? I wasn’t stupid and I didn’t hate any of the subjects.
I just knew college cost money and jumping straight into working somewhere brought it in.
“I didn’t abandon you and your brothers because I wanted to, Stone,” he said after a while. “And despite what any of you may think, I love y’all.”
“Why’d you keep having kids after Elijah?” I asked.
“I was living fast and I’m not saying it’s right or that I was a great father or that I planned all of y’all or no shit like that, but I love y’all,” he reiterated.
“I wasn’t the best father, but I mean, you and Elijah turned out alright.
” He took a hard puff of his cigarette. “Stone, how long are you going to hate me?”
“I met a woman I’m in love with, who I’d take a charge for and come sit in this bitch for twenty-five to life right beside you, and when she asked about us spending the rest of our lives together and having kids, I told her I didn’t know if I could give her that because I feel like I’ve already raised some…
That wasn’t a choice I got to make, honestly.
I mean, people can say I chose to fight to keep us together and they’d be right, but what was the other choice?
Let them go to the state?” I scoffed and shook my head.
“I loved my brothers, and if I had to go back in time, I’d take care of them again but…
I resent you a lil bit. I’m not gon’ lie. ”
“That’s valid.” My father took another puff of his cigarette.
“You’re more of a man at your age than I am at mine, Stone.
You and Elijah did the best you could with what you were given and I know shit wasn’t fair but life ain’t fair.
And as hard as life was and as heavy as your choices were, when you were figuring shit out, you made it to the other side.
Whether you walk away today and never talk to me again or decide I’m worth having a relationship with, I want you to know that and I want you to take care of yourself.
“Your brothers are older now and you mentioned a girlfriend and a boyfriend. I don’t know what that means but I know you’d never make the same mistakes I made, so I’m happy for you.
You deserve to be selfish, Stone, and ay, you did shit I couldn’t even imagine, raising those boys.
Give yourself credit for that. They’re fed and taken care of and they’ve never had to sell drugs.
You did that. You cultivated a space where your brothers can do shit you never got a chance to, and look at Morocco, raising his kid and already being a better father than me.
” He nodded and sniffed and I realized he was fighting tears.
I looked away immediately, picking a spot on the ground and focusing on it.
“I don’t hate you,” I said quietly. “We had good times together when I was younger. You provided for us and in your own way, you care about us. I know that. I just…” I exhaled. “I don’t hate you.”
“I did what I could with what I knew at the time, Stone, and that’s not an excuse. That’s just reality.” He took another puff of the cigarette then put it out. “I’m proud of you, kid.”
“Everything that’s happened to me is why I am the man I am, the man Kiano and Jiselle think is worthy of them and who got my brothers where they are.
And honestly, that’s enough. I said everything I wanted to say and we can’t go back in time, so that’s it.
I’m done with this shit. I’m faithful and I don’t sell drugs.
If I ever have kids of my own, I’ll never make them figure life out on their own.
I know that for sure. I have two people in my life who love and want to take care of me and I, uh…
that shit’s been hard for me after taking care of anybody else but I’m trying and I’m happy.
” I felt my own tears bubbling to the surface, sniffed and let my head fall forward.
“It’s hard to navigate relationships when you have to be a father without ever getting to really be a son.
” I wiped my eyes and cleared my throat.
“But I don’t hate you,” I repeated. “I hope you have peace, man, and I hope one day, when you get out of here and get a second chance at life, you make it everything you want it to be.” I pushed myself up and hit him on the back.
“If you call, I’ll tell Drake to talk to you at least once. ”
“And if I call you when you get out of here, will you answer?”
“I’ll think about it.” I wiped my hands on my pants. “But, uh, I don’t really know what else there is for us to talk about right now.”
“Alright.” He nodded.
“Alright.” I repeated. I headed toward the entrance to be escorted to my cell and paused a few feet away. When I turned around, he was still staring at me.
I swallowed and cleared my throat. I shifted on my feet and nodded while words failed me for a brief second.
“I’ll answer.”