Chapter 9 #2
“It took almost nine months for interviews and background checks before I was hired. He was living in Montreal at the time, so I flew up there to tell him in person. He took me out to celebrate that night. He called it my last night being a free man. At the time I laughed at his antics but he wasn’t wrong.
It was also the last we spoke of it. From then on he stuck to my cover; I worked in textiles and traveled a lot.
Never told a soul, not even our parents after I died.
He kept my secret; he always kept my secrets. Then I fucked him over.”
I wouldn’t call what Theo did fucking his brother over. But I did understand the crushing remorse that went along with faking your death.
“You didn’t—”
“Trust me, I did. My actions fucked him over. He could’ve been…
” Theo paused, shook his head, and changed gears.
“I lied to him. Hell, I lied to everyone. I think when I came home, my mother was so relieved she couldn’t allow herself to be angry at me.
But one day that relief will wear off and the pain of my lies will overtake any joy my rebirth has brought her.
My stepdad is a great man—gentle, kind, forgiving.
He heard me out and understands why I did what I did and respects my decision to keep the specifics from my mother.
She knows what she needs to know but she never needs to know the extent of my life when I was dead.
And that’s what I was—I was a walking, talking, breathing dead man who had disconnected fully from the man I was before I died. ”
“Did your brother hear you out?”
That got me a jaw clench.
“No. He took one look at me and wanted nothing to do with me. I tried talking to him and he got in his car and drove away. I call, he hangs up. I text, he doesn’t return the messages. I get it.”
“Maybe—”
“No! He gets to feel what he feels. Forgiveness is his to give, not mine to take. I don’t get to force my story on him to make myself feel better.
I tried. I’ve done all I can do. I’ve missed my brother for over a decade now.
I earned that pain. And if I go to my grave never speaking to him again, I earned that, too. I’m the one who is in the wrong here.”
I didn’t want to believe that.
I wanted to argue because I was in the same position and if the day came and I could come back to life and see Brit again I wanted to believe I had a chance at earning her forgiveness and friendship back.
“That’s why you said you should’ve stayed dead.”
“You heard that?”
Yep, I’d been right. I hadn’t imagined his admission as I was drifting off to sleep.
He’d said it and that got me wondering.
“Did you mean it? Do you wish you would’ve stayed dead?”
Theo checked the rearview mirror before answering.
“Yes and no.”
Well, that was clear as mud.
“Explain the ‘no’ part,” I asked.
I figured I understood yes.
“If I’d stayed dead, I wouldn’t’ve been at Kira’s wedding.
If I hadn’t come back with my team I would’ve missed Layla finding Kevin and falling in love with him.
I would’ve missed out on Easton, Cash, Smith, and Jonas reconnecting with Garrett and healing a bond that never should’ve been broken.
I can’t imagine my life without my team.
For ten years we had a mission, we were dedicated to each other and to the cause.
I wasn’t willing to give them up. Which says something, don’t you think?
How easily I left behind my flesh and blood brother but I couldn’t give up my new brothers. ”
Ah.
There it was.
That was why he thought he deserved his brother’s eternal wrath.
“I don’t believe faking your death was an easy decision.”
“You’re wrong. It was a no brainer. It was the only way to keep my family safe.”
I wasn’t going to point out the obvious—the sacrifice he’d made.
Instead I thought about what he’d said about his team.
I didn’t share the same bond with the team I’d worked with as he shared with his.
We were all friendly, we had a good time working together, we’d gotten into some pretty heated debates about the functionality of the Sparrow but they never turned into ugly fights.
My team .
“If this Kathy Cobbs woman is behind my attack and she’s trying to ascertain if there’s more evidence of her involvement with that man’s death wouldn’t she go after Phil, Mike, and Sarah?”
“Fuck,” he bit out and reached for his phone.
All the good feelings I was having about Theo opening up and sharing about his life went up in a puff of smoke.
Or more like a fireball of doom.
* * *
I was doing my best to ignore the worry that had taken root in my belly by studying the contents of the pantry.
The last of the drive was spent with Theo making and receiving phone calls. He’d updated me between calls; however those updates gave me nothing beyond Garrett’s looking into it .
Well, Garrett needed to work faster because my stomach was doing somersaults and I was starting to get queasy.
That wasn’t fair. I had no doubt Garrett was working as fast as he could. He had found the root of my problem in less than half a day and the half of the day he figured it out it was the middle of the night to the wee hours of the morning. The man had to sleep sometime.
I closed the door to the pantry, getting a sense of déjà vu.
For some reason every time I was moved to a new safe house the first thing I did was check the kitchen.
Specifically, I’d check what food was stocked in the house.
I had no idea why I did it, and as soon as we’d walked into this safe house I beelined to the kitchen.
Fully stocked.
It was weird.
If someone didn’t know this was a safe house and they looked in the cabinets and fridge they’d think it was a normal family home.
Though it was far from normal. It was a hideout. A place Z Corps could stash people like me.
For the last year my life had been in a constant state of upheaval. One hit after another had kept me off balance. It had been so long I’d forgotten what normal felt like. And if the last week was anything to go by, any hope of normal in the future might never happen.
All because I took a job at Raven.
A job I was excited to get.
My dream job.
I wondered if working for the CIA had been Theo’s dream, too.
Fuck dreams .
If this was how they ended I never wanted to dream another dream. I never wanted to hope for something special ever again. What was the point of working for something so hard then have it end in disaster?
I should’ve stayed where I was at, flying drones checking powerlines. I liked it okay but was bored to tears. I thought Raven was my ticket to something exciting, something I could be proud of.
Turns out it was the worst decision of my life.
My biggest regret.
A regret that just might kill me .