Chapter 25 #3
“Because it’s scary.” Theo pushed away from Peter, who let him go.
He felt his heart race as he opened his mouth again, not sure what would come out.
“Bernard pretended to care and to… He pretended all sorts of things and…” Theo saw the shock on Peter’s face, but he couldn’t stop now.
“…I couldn’t leave. Before I knew it, I had no money, no friends left, and…
there was so much I didn’t remember.” His voice had gone whisper silent, and his tears were flowing freely.
Standing was too much, and he sagged to his knees.
“When you—if you—if I stop paying attention like I did back then, and I don’t realize it’s happening again, I…
I don’t know I’ll be able to start over again. ”
He couldn’t lift his head to look Peter in the eye.
It was entirely possible that this was it, that they were breaking up what relationship they had today, and Theo would be fine.
He’d known, in some dark part of him, that he was the problem, had always been the problem.
I’m just not made to be with other people.
I never should’ve tried. I should’ve stuck with being Puck. It would’ve made my life easier.
“Theodore,” Peter said, only this time, Theo never wanted him to stop saying his name like that. “How could I ever repeat any part of what he did to you when I love you?”
Theo shook his head. “No. No, don’t say that. I don’t want to hear it.”
“I ask that you do. I love you and have for…oh, almost since the moment we met. Maybe not quite. Very soon after, though.”
“Love doesn’t work like that.”
Peter sighed. “You’re right that it shouldn’t. I assume Frey and Freya conspired to create a mead made of lust and love in equal parts.”
Theo blinked until he could see through the tears and dared a look up. “Who?”
Peter gave him this absolutely scary, glorious smile.
“Just a pair of Viking gods. Although it’s still culturally inaccurate, and grossly so.
” He held out his hand. “I would love you from sunrise to sunset, moonrise to moonset. Please, Theodore, will you allow that? I ask nothing in return, not a thing.”
Theo didn’t take the offered hand, just looked away again. He was feeling miserable. Guilty. Like a liar. Like a house built on unsteady ground, he collapsed in on himself, coiling his shoulders inward to his chest and hugging himself until he was all but a ball on the floor, hoping to vanish.
“Theodore,” Peter said, and after a while, when Theo’s chest had started heaving, he said again, “Theodore.” He went to his knees then, Theo could feel that even if he was pressing his eyes shut. “I ask nothing from you. I will never demand anything from you. May I touch you? May I hold you?”
Theo didn’t want that, but at the same time, it was all he wanted.
He knew he shouldn’t be nodding his head like he was.
It felt as if he was pretending, offering Peter something he couldn’t really give.
It was better when I was Puck. It was easier.
I could think about everything, but I didn't have to think about this. Whatever this is. Love. I hate this.
Peter slowly, slowly wrapped Theo in a loose hug that somehow felt firm and grounding at the same time. He maneuvered Theo from the floor to his lap, and that was even worse somehow, because no one should ever have to hold a grown person in their lap.
But Peter didn’t stop, didn’t let go. He was like a cage with open doors, and Theo didn’t know whether he wanted to escape or not.
In the end, he didn’t. He was maybe too tired or too weak, just as weak as when he’d looked into Bernard’s eyes and believed every single lie that had come out of the vampire’s mouth.
When Theo had finally stopped sobbing, Peter kissed his head again. “To think that I was lucky enough to meet you when I did.”
Theo said nothing back, but it was on the tip of his tongue. You weren’t lucky. I was. Stupid luck. And you’re too nice.
Without looking at him, Theo held up his wrist to approximately where Peter’s mouth was. Peter sighed.
“Theodore.”
“I know you’re hungry. Please. It’s…it’s something I can do.”
“Hunger, beloved, will not kill me. Not so easily. But hurting you might.” He pushed the arm down, even though Theo resisted, but the angle was awkward, and he was tired. “Corvin mentioned that you two went to a bookstore and talked about sexy fae literature.”
“Yeah. I lied to you. I skipped class this Monday, called Corvin, and took him to Celeste’s. That’s how he met Carl, who started calling him Coconut. Then we went to lunch. We took Will. After lunch we went book shopping.”
Another kiss. “It sounds like you had fun. How did you find the pup?”
“Huh? Oh, Will. He was there. With Basil.”
“Sage.”
Theo snorted. “Oh, fuck. I swear I know his name. They were there, and one thing led to another.”
“I see. Why didn’t you tell me you went out with friends?”
Theo moved on Peter’s lap. It was like he was trying to melt against Peter, something his body seemed to be doing of its own accord.
“Because…I had to…talk to someone.” He let out a long, rattling breath. “I just… You’re so nice. And I don’t know how to handle that. The lunch. You make me lunch! And then you hired that cook and… I had to talk to someone.”
Yet another kiss. “Like I said, only female cooks from here on out. And if you prefer a less involved lunch—”
Theo shook his head, which meant he was rubbing up against Peter’s tie. He mused for a moment about how Peter hadn’t taken it off, not even when he’d fastened the sword to his belt and gone out Fae hunting. It struck Theo as unusual, but he didn’t know any other Viking vampires to compare Peter to.
“I don’t care about their sex or gender! It’s just that you do stuff like that, spoil me, throw money at me and…I need to earn my own money. I want to be able to walk away if I have to.”
With a pang, Theo realized he hadn’t meant to say that either, but whatever he’d feared Peter’s reaction would be, it didn’t come. All Peter did was kiss his head again.
“Theodore, you know where I keep the cash, and you have your credit card, but I see your point. I didn't think to help you set up a bank account. We’ll do that first thing tomorrow. And put the credit card in your own name so you can buy whatever you need without having to wonder whether I’ll see or approve.
You’re right, dearest. I should’ve thought of that, and I’m sorry I didn’t. ”
Theo looked up. “That’s not even what I fucking mean.” His voice was hoarse, and he didn’t have the energy to shout. “Why would you want to throw all that money at me?”
Peter shrugged. “You have my heart, Theodore. You might as well have a few material things on top of that. But I’m doing it for your comfort.
So you know that you have leverage, safety.
Every means to walk away if you choose to.
I want you to be free to choose, and I’d be honored if you’d choose me. ”
It hurt to hear that from Peter. It was like something was piercing his chest, even if, on an intellectual level, Theo knew this should make him happy beyond words. He wasn’t ready to trust that happiness.
“Don’t you want me to stay?”
Peter’s eyebrows crept up his forehead. “I never want to let you out of my sight, quite frankly. If I had my way, you’d stay home more often than not. But what good is what I want if you don’t want the same? Theodore, I want you to want to be with me. I’ve always wanted that.”
Theo snorted. “Well, you made me sign your blood contract, remember? And…what you did… I’m grateful. But…” He swallowed, his throat tight.
“The contract was to make it easier for you to stay where you had reason to believe you were safe. And you were safe here—are safe here—of course you are. This is your home. Back then, when you were scared, the contract was a set of rules I laid out for you so that you’d have proof I’d follow them.
I thought you wouldn’t think much of me if I told you I wanted you here because of you.
Telling you I wanted you here for your blood seemed easier, though it was a lie.
I never wanted you for your blood. Will you forgive me for that? ”
Theo’s tear ducts should’ve been running dry by then, but it turned out he still had more tears to shed. Peter held him in a cage that was no cage. One-sided love that scared Theo, just not enough to make him run. He stayed.
He stayed.
It was one of the scariest things he’d ever done.