Chapter 9
I wake up in the late afternoon and pour myself a cup of coffee before settling into the couch with a throw blanket. Elliott left me a note on the fridge that he went to the gym and for that, I am so thankful. The last thing I need right now is to restart last night’s conversation. After we came inside, I crawled straight into bed and by the time he was out of the shower; I was busy pretending to be asleep. It wasn’t long before his breathing steadied and I was safe from having to continue our conversation. I laid in bed awake, replaying our conversation in my head repeatedly until I finally fell asleep sometime around three this morning. Per usual, all the late night thinking and worrying did nothing for me. I’m still just as sad and angry as I was last night when I got out of his car and I highly doubt I’ll be over it soon.
What I need is an honest sounding board that will tell me the truth, even if I don’t want to hear it. I grab my phone and fire off a text to Avery.
Tyler: Hey. Is this a good time to call?
Avery: Sure! I just got Juliet down for a morning nap.
I immediately hit the call command and Avery answers on the first ring.
“Hey. What’s going on over there?” She asks. “It must be some type of emergency if you want to talk on the phone.”
I nod, as if she can see me. She’s right. She knows me all too well. I hate talking on the phone. Mostly, I blame it on the fact that I’ve been traumatized by working in customer service for years. You can only get screamed at over the phone so many times, for things that you have no control over, before you just start avoiding phone calls all together. This is part of the reason I do customer service via chat and email now.
“I need life coaching.” I sigh.
“Well, I’m covered in spit up. My hair is in a rat’s nest and I slept for a grand total of 27 minutes last night, so I think you have come to the right place.” She replies, in an attempt to sound as reassuring as possible.
“Perfect.” I laugh, trying to lighten my mood. I spend the next several minutes recounting my experience from yesterday morning. Afterwards, I finish with a deep breath and stare at the wall above the television while I brace myself for Avery to respond.
“That sounds horrific.” She finally agrees.
“That’s just the tip.” I admit, working up the nerve to fill her in on Elliott’s startling confession from last night.
“That’s what she said.” She mutters in a low voice.
As much as I want to giggle at her stupid joke, I can’t. I don’t have even a bit of humor left inside of me anymore.
“Nothing?” She asks, sounding playfully annoyed. “I get nothing for that? That was a classic.”
I moan, still unsure that I want to hash this out right now. “I don’t know how to lead into this, so I’m just going to say it. Last night Elliott told me he has no desire for children or marriage. Not now, not ever.” As the word ever leaves my lips, I feel a tear gently rolling down my cheek. I quickly wipe it away as though I am attempting to hide it from someone.
“Wait, what?” She pauses for a second. “I thought you guys were on the same page about this stuff?”
I sigh. “I don’t know. I guess he changed his mind, or maybe I just assumed that I knew what he wanted. Regardless, he doesn’t now.”
“What about you? Has your mind changed?”
“No.” I answer quickly. “I still want nothing more than to have a baby of my own and a husband. Not a live-in boyfriend until I die. What does he expect? For us to be sixty years old, introducing each other at the golf club as each other’s girlfriend and boyfriend?” I sigh, sinking deeper into the couch.
“And he decided now was the time to spring this on you because….” She drags on. “Because you weren’t already hurt enough after losing your grandma, so he decided to make it worse?”
Ouch. She’s not wrong, though. His timing was less than stellar, but I admit I brought it on myself.
“Well.” I wince at the looming confession. “I started it. My mom got inside my head this weekend. She called and was asking me when we were going to finally get married. I decided she was right and that I needed to talk to him. But, I was afraid to ask, until last night. There was a proposal at the restaurant we were eating at.”
“Oof.” Avery breathes out.
“Girl, you have no idea.” I moan, remembering the night before. “The server accidentally gave me the dessert plate with the proposal written on it. I thought it was for me. Elliott went white as a ghost and almost died in front of me before telling the server he was at the wrong table. I was so hurt I ran to the bathroom stall crying.”
Avery’s breath hitches. “Oh, Ty…”
“Yep.” I continue. “And as you can probably imagine, it just kind of imploded from there. I asked why he hasn’t proposed to me and he told me exactly why.” I sigh. “Now I kind of wish I could go back to being ignorant about the whole thing, to be honest.”
“That’s understandable.” Avery agrees. “And it was also fair for you to ask him. It sucks that this whole situation had to happen in order for you to do it, but you deserve to know where you stand.”
“I guess so.” I sigh. “But now I just feel like I’ve been punched in the gut.”
“Well, what are you going to do now?” She asks, gently.
I reposition myself on the sofa. “Well, I was actually hoping you would make that decision for me.” I mutter.
Avery laughs. “Not a chance, sister. But I will give you my unfiltered opinion if that’s what you would like.”
“Please.”
“All your life, you have dreamed of being a mom. You’re amazing with kids. You have the patience of a saint. You know what it’s like to have a crappy relationship with your own mom, so you know exactly the type of parent you want to be. If you stay with Elliott, then you have to accept the fact that you will never have that. Is that another dream you are willing to just throw away? You’ve already given up on your bookstore. Are you willing to give up on having a family, too?”
I sigh, quietly, but don’t respond.
She continues. “In my opinion, Elliott is fine, but he is not the love of your life. If you stay with him, then you are doing nothing more than settling. I think if you settle, you are going to look back on your life in 5 years and regret it.”
I frown and wipe the tears from my eyes. She’s right. I hate it, but she’s right.
“I’m just saying,” Avery continues. “I think there is a guy out there that will move mountains for you and that will love you the way you deserve to be loved. A man that would die to wife you up and have babies with you. Please don’t settle for good enough.”
I wipe my eyes again. The tears are flowing quickly now. “What if you’re wrong? What if this is as good as it gets?” I sigh.
“Tyler, you need to be honest with yourself. What you have now isn’t even good. That man will never give you the life you want.” Avery pauses for a beat. “There is better out there, but you will never see that if you don’t make a move. There’s only one way to find it.”
“Avery, I don’t even know where to go from here…. literally. I don’t have anywhere else to live. It’s going to take months to find a decent apartment to move into.” I reason. I can’t stomach the idea of living with him as a roommate for months while I try to find somewhere else to go.
“Come home.” She pleads, sounding hopeful. “You work remotely so you can work from anywhere. You could stay with your parents until you find a place to rent. Hell, you could even sleep on my couch.”
I groan. “Avery, I don’t want to move back home. I’ve worked so hard to distance myself from that town and from my parents. I can’t move back now.”
“Then think of it as a long visit.” She pleads. “Come stay during the summer while you find a new place to live in OKC or wherever it is you want to live.”
“I don’t know….” I say, trying to weigh my options.
“Come on. We’ve never had a summer together as adults. We can take Juliet to the lake and go out on weekends when she’s with her dad. Please?”
The sound of slamming doors in our driveway interrupts my thought process. I rush to the window and peer through the blinds to find Elliott making his way towards the front door. “Avery, I gotta go. Let me think about all of this, and I’ll let you know what I figure out.”
“Good luck.” She says, still sounding hopeful as I disconnect the call and put the phone in the pocket of my sweats.
I don’t think even luck can save me now.
Elliott breezes past me into the kitchen to retrieve a bottle of water. When he returns, I’m sitting on the sofa with my arms wrapped around my knees, holding them close to my body. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop the tears from flowing. I know what must be done. I’m terrified to speak.
Elliott takes notice of my stance and sits next to me on the sofa before reaching out and stroking my knee. “Tyler, are you okay?” He prods, softly.
I shake my head. The words are on the tip of my tongue, but for some reason, sitting here with him, I can’t will them to come out of my mouth.
Elliott reaches out to take my hand, and briefly I allow it. He uses his thumb to trace circles on the top of my hand. “Are you still mad about last night?” He asks.
I pull my hand back and place it in my lap. “Elliott, I’m not mad. But I am upset and hurt, and it’s not just about last night, it’s about a lot of things.” When he doesn’t respond, I continue. “Elliott, I love you and honestly, until last night, I thought that you and I agreed about a lot of things.”
He scoffs, “So, we’re back to this again?”
I bite my tongue and attempt to remain composed. “Yes, we’re back at this again. THIS isn’t some slight disagreement, Elliott. THIS is the state of our relationship, and the state of my life. It’s the fact that last night you basically told me you had made the decision that we are never getting married or having children, and I have no say in the matter.”
Elliott’s posture goes rigid. He straights his back and a look of annoyance comes over his face. “Tyler, I can’t help how I feel. There’s nothing wrong with living together and not having kids. Think of all the traveling we could do. Think of all the spare time and sleep we could get. I wish you could see how great life is going to be.”
I sigh. “Elliott. That may be the life that you want, but that isn’t the life for me. And it’s not fair for you to make that decision without even as much as hearing my side in the matter.”
He shakes his head. “Ty, I don’t know what there is to say that hasn’t already been said.”
I press my palms against my forehead and take in a deep breath. “That’s okay, because I do.” I turn to face him. “Elliott, this isn’t going to work. We have got to end this before we waste any more of each other’s time.” My eyes search his for any sign of what he is thinking.
“Tyler. We’ve been together for three years.” He says, shaking his head. “We have built a good life together and you just want to throw that all away?”
I take a deep breath and stand from the sofa. “Elliott, the only one of us that is enjoying this life is you. I have waited patiently for years for my life to begin and for the things that I’ve always dreamed of, but you have only been focused on making yourself happy.”
“That’s not fair.” He says sternly.
“No.” I interrupt him. “What’s not fair is for you to completely disregard what I want and how I feel.”
“You are what I want.” He says, standing from the sofa and reaching out to grab my hands.
I pull my hands back. “No, what you want is a roommate that will pay half of the bills and have sex with you.” I shake my head. “That’s not me. I’m a whole person with feelings and dreams and I deserve someone that will love me as much as I love them. And that someone isn’t you.”
He rolls his eyes. “Tyler, where are you even going to go? It’s not like you can just move into a new place this weekend.”
I shrug. “I don’t know, but I’m going to go back home until I figure it out.”
He laughs. “To Fawn Creek? You can’t be serious. There’s nothing there. Do they even have Wi-Fi yet?” He jokes. “Why don’t you just stay here and sleep in the guest bedroom until you can find a new place?”
I shake my head. “No, Elliott. My mind is made up and the sooner I leave, the better off we both are going to be. I will not stay here and risk changing my mind. It’ll only delay the inevitable.” I pause and look over at him once more. “Either you can help me pack, or you can get out of my way.”
And with that, Elliott storms out the front door, once again leaving me to handle everything on my own.
In just under two hours, I have all of my belongings packed, mostly in trash bags, and loaded into the back of my crappy Honda. Slowly, I move through the house that I’ve called home for the past two and a half years. All this time, I was sure that if I ever moved again, it would be because Elliott and I were purchasing a bigger house to raise our growing family. I never imagined that the only one growing here would be me.
As I leave the key on the counter, I pull my phone from my pocket and call Avery once again.
“Hey, you okay?” She answers quickly.
“Does your offer still stand for me to sleep on your couch tonight?” I ask, as I walk through the front door of my Oklahoma City home for the last time.