Chapter Forty
When Reva arrives at her side, Vasu opens her eyes and smiles again.
“You came,” she says, raising her arm to touch Reva’s cheek.
“What have you done to yourself?” Reva says, sitting down next to her and stroking her cheek too.
“But look at you. Still beautiful enough to slap Marilyn Monroe in the face.”
“Marilyn’s dead, Vasu,” Reva says.
Vasu makes a sound like a laugh. “In that case I take it back. Your aie would have scolded us for comparing ourselves to the dead, wouldn’t she?”
“True,” Reva says and starts to cry.
“You learned to cry,” Vasu says.
“Forty years ago. I should have come looking for you. I should have tried harder.”
“You came now, when it matters. Because I wasn’t going to die without seeing you again. These poor people were getting a little tired of caring for me.”
“I owe them everything. But I’m taking you home with me.”
Vasu laughs. “My home just came to me.”
“Oh, Vasu.” Reva leans over, puts her arms around Vasu, gathers her up, and cries like I’ve never seen anyone cry before.
Vasu strokes her hair.
They lie there like that, their bodies entwined, as though there’s no one but them in the room. No one but them in the world.
I step closer to Krish and put an arm around him. He leans into me, wipes my tears, and places a kiss on the top of my head. That’s when I know exactly what he meant when he said he fit. I fit in my skin more than I ever have. I’m filled with pain, but I’m no longer a stranger to my own pain. I’m no longer a stranger to myself.
The next morning, Krish and I wake up early to watch the sun paint the Kanchenjunga golden. It’s the most beautiful sight I’ve ever beheld. The snowcapped peak floats over the clouds and catches the first orange rays of the rising sun and turns to fiery gold.
I shiver in Krish’s sweatshirt, but my heart has never been warmer.
“I’m going to stay,” Krish says. “Is that okay?”
“Of course.” I don’t ask him how long he plans to stay. We both know Vasu doesn’t have much time left. I want to stay, too, but I’ve done what I set out to do, and I have to return to all the things I’ve neglected since the ring came into my life. My real life. “I have to go, though.”
“I know.”
We go back to Vasu’s room. Reva hasn’t left her side except to use the bathroom. Vasu’s been mostly asleep, but Reva has been sitting there, holding her hand and watching her face and talking to her.
When we walk in, Vasu and Reva are laughing about something.
Vasu seems more awake today, like life’s been pumped back into her. Yesterday felt like it belonged to Reva and Vasu, but today I see longing in Krish’s eyes when he looks at her.
Vasu holds out her hand, and Krish goes to her and takes it. He kneels next to her bed.
Reva asks Vasu if she knows who Krish is.
“Yes,” Vasu says. Her voice is stronger today too. She studies him, and her thumb strokes his hand. “Were they good to you?”
“The best,” Krish says. His eyes are shining. “But I still missed you.”
“I know,” she says. “I missed you too.”
“You did?”
“Like a phantom limb. Even when I didn’t understand it.”
There’s so much heartbreak in his expression, I want to go to him again. He pulls her hand to his lips and drops a kiss on it, an act of forgiveness so generous it destroys me. “Thank you for saying that.”
“Will you tell me about them?”
“Of course. I’m not going anywhere.”
Her smile is wet and filled with relief and gratitude, but the thing that catches in my heart is the pride. I feel it, too, a deep pride in the person he is.
Vasu turns to me, and her expression changes to confusion. “You’re leaving? Why?”
“I’m getting married in three months. I need to get back to my family and fiancé.”
She looks with some surprise from Krish to me. “You’re not marrying each other?”
“No,” Krish says.
“Why? Is your family forcing you?” she asks me.
I shake my head. “No one’s forcing me.”
It’s like she can’t believe what she’s hearing, and I imagine her young and baffled at the ways of the world. “Are you sure?” she says. “Sometimes it’s not easy to know when they’re forcing you.”
No one says anything.
“It’s time,” Krish says, but he doesn’t look at me.
“I just wanted to say bye,” I say.
Vasu lets go of Krish’s hand and reaches for me. I go to her. “Thank you for finding me.” The ring is hanging around her neck on a black thread. We returned it to her yesterday, and Reva put it on her.
I nod. My throat feels raw. There’s so much I want to say, but I can’t speak.
“I know,” she says. “It is hard to do the thing you want when you’ve been taught that doing what others want means loving them. But you came here to find me. You do know how to do what you want.” She places her hand over my chest, where my heart hurts. Her hand is cool, but heat gathers beneath my skin under her touch. “When you’re true to yourself, even when something hurts, it feels good. When you’re betraying yourself, even when something is supposed to feel good, it hurts.”
When she pulls away, I feel shredded. And so seen it’s like she just stripped me. It hurts. And of course it feels good.
Reva hugs me tightly. “You will stay in touch?”
I nod. “Will you take care of him?” I whisper.
She opens her mouth to say something, then nods. “Of course.”
“You sure you don’t want me to take you to Bagdogra?” Krish asks as he walks me to the main monastery compound. To the scaffolded arch where Norbu dropped us off two days ago.
“I’ll be fine.” He needs to be here right now. “Will you be okay?”
He digs his hands into his pockets. “You don’t want me to answer that.”
He’s right.
And wrong.
I do want him to answer that. But I shouldn’t.
Norbu is driving me to Bagdogra, but he’s not here yet.
This is the last time I’ll ever see Krish. So I say it. “I do want you to answer that. I have to know that you’ll be okay.”
He steps close to me, but he doesn’t touch me. From the very bottom of my being I want him to. I want to wrap my arms around him. I want him to drop a kiss on my head, where my hair parts and my nerve endings gather. I want to feel that feeling one more time before I die. I want to know what his lips feel like when they smile against mine. I want to be able to cry in his arms, have him cry in mine. “Tell me you’ll be okay, Krish.”
He takes a breath. “If returning to your old life will make you happy, I will be okay. As long as you feel seen and cared for, I’ll be okay. As long as no one makes you feel like you’re lucky to have them, I will be okay. As long as you promise never to put yourself away again, I will be okay.” He presses a hand to his chest, and I wish I didn’t see how much he means every word. “As long as I know you’re happy, I will be okay, Mira.”
I want to tell him to take the words back. But I don’t. I want to tell him I feel the same way. But I can’t. I don’t know how I feel.
Liar . That’s the word that rings in my ears when I hold out my hand. He looks at it, then shakes it.
A handshake, that’s what I leave him with, and a whispered “Thank you.”
When I get in the car and drive away, he stands there watching me go.