Chapter 18 #3
What destroyed me was not the fear—not anymore—nor the anger that had become the only sharp tool left in my arsenal.
It was the grief, the messy, heavy, uncontainable sadness of loss.
The knowledge that I had built something, accrued a sense of belonging molecule by molecule, until the water and the glass and the creatures behind it had felt more like home than anything I remembered from the country and the life I had left behind.
And all of it could be taken. All of it was gone, or would be, as soon as Tobias Kelly decided that he had no further use for me, or that the risk outweighed the reward, or simply that he preferred to feed his own fish.
It was absurd, the way the ache eclipsed everything else.
Even the memory of last night—of the body in the water, the clench and release of violence, the sound of my own panicked breathing—could not compete with the rawness of the loss.
My eyes stung and I blinked hard, cursing the tears even as they threatened to fall.
Not now. Not in front of him. I would not grant him the satisfaction of knowing just how much of myself I had invested in the work he had stolen from me.
I squeezed my jaw tight and forced myself to look away, but when I did, it was straight into the impossible tenderness of the light.
For a moment, I imagined the tanks as they would be at this hour, the gentle ramping up of the LED strips, the slow stirrings of the inhabitants as the world brightened by degrees.
Puff Daddy would be hovering near the surface, watching for the shadow of my approach.
The cuttlefish would have already started its morning color change, bands of brown and pink rippling down its mantle. All of them would be waiting for me.
I wondered who would do the checks. Who would calibrate the feeders, test the salinity, top off the RO reservoirs.
Who would look at the water not as just a thing to be admired, but as a living, shifting balance that required constant vigilance and care.
It would not be Tobias. I doubted it would even be Ben.
No, the systems would run on automation, the tanks would look perfect, and eventually something would go wrong, and someone would call a tech out to fix it, and none of them would know the animals the way I did.
None of them would see the subtle signs of distress, the tiny lacerations that meant a puffer had lost a territory fight, or the faint haze that presaged a bacterial bloom.
The realization hollowed me out, left me standing there in the blue light, my anger bleeding into desperation.
I had to see them. Just once. Had to make sure nothing had already gone wrong, that the damage of last night hadn’t echoed through the system in ways that would only be visible to someone who knew what to look for.
Maybe it was a pathetic plea for dignity, but I could not leave it alone.
I couldn’t let my silence be the end of it.
Tobias was watching me, his attention as acute as ever, but for once there was no calculation in his gaze.
Just a kind of recognition, as if he saw the shape of my grief and, for a moment, wondered what it would be like to feel loss that keen.
Beneath the surface, he was already turning over the variables, running the simulation of what would happen if he granted me this one thing.
He said my name, quiet and unadorned, “Cove?”
I swallowed. “Have the morning checks been done?”
He blinked, and I saw the surprise. Of all the things I could have said—demands, insults, questions about last night—this had not occurred to him. He looked away, maybe searching his memory or maybe wondering if there was an angle he had missed. “Ben handled the basic system review.”
I let out a bitter, involuntary laugh. “Ben doesn’t know how to do a full behavioral check.”
“No,” Tobias admitted. “He does not.”
“And the… the box jellies?” I asked, unable to say it without recalling the awful scene of the body tangled in the water, the way the light had caught on the filaments, Tobias’s face gone hollow. “Were they stressed after… after last night?”
He hesitated, and when he spoke, his tone was studiously neutral. “I had the system monitored overnight,” he said, eyes fixed on the floor. “There were fluctuations, but nothing outside acceptable range.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
He closed his eyes for a moment, as if wishing the conversation away. “I… know.”
I looked back toward the aquarium wing, and the longing was so strong that, for a moment, I thought I would collapse.
I hated myself for it—hated that even now, with my wrists raw and my ankle throbbing, I wanted nothing more than to stand before the tanks and watch the animals react to me, just to reassure myself that their world, at least, was intact.
“I need to see them,” I said, and this time the anger cracked enough for the sadness to show through.
“I know that probably seems stupid to you right now, because you’re busy with the whole keeping-me-captive thing, but they’re my responsibility.
You made them my responsibility. You told me to take control of the collection, and I did, and now I’m just supposed to sit in a concrete room while someone else guesses whether they’re okay? ”
His eyes softened in a way I did not want. “They are not just your responsibility.”
My throat burned with the emotions welling up inside of me. “They kind of are.”
“No. They are yours.”
The words landed strangely.
“What does that even—no. I—You don’t get to say things like that right now.”
“I know.”
“You keep saying that.”
“Because I keep knowing it.”
Despite myself, something almost like a laugh tried to rise in my chest, but it got caught on everything else and came out as a rough breath instead.
Tobias watched me for another moment, and I could practically see him weighing risk against need, escape against distress, the locked room against the one part of this house that might actually calm me without feeling like another form of punishment.
“I can bring you camera feeds,” he tried.
“No. I don’t want to look at them on a screen.”
“Cove—”
“No.” I pulled my shoulders back, even though the movement hurt.
“I want to be in the wing. I want to see them properly. I want to check on Puff Daddy because he was acting weird last night, and—and I want to make sure the cuttlefish has enough enrichment, and I want to know if the morays ate, and I want to—”
My voice broke.
I hated that it broke.
I hated that Tobias saw.
And I hated the way his expression changed, the way something in him seemed to pull toward me without his body actually moving any closer.
“Please,” I finished, quieter and more depressed than angry now.
Tobias looked down the corridor, then back at me.
When he spoke, his voice was low and measured. “If I allow this, you will remain beside me.”
I almost snapped that he was not “allowing” anything, that I was not a dog being granted fucking yard time, but the words dried up before they reached my tongue because the answer beneath his condition was yes.
Not no.
Yes.
My pulse jumped.
“I’m handcuffed to you,” I said instead. “So I mean, I’m kind of stuck beside you.”
“You will not pull away.”
“I won’t.”
He breathed out through his nose, eyes searching my expression to see any cracks.
“Please,” I whispered. “I just want to see them. That’s it. I want… I want to do more than that but I understand that’s not possible right now, so please, Tobias.”
He looked at me for another second, then gave a small nod. “Very well.”
Tobias adjusted his grip so I could lean on him without jostling the cuff between us, and together we moved toward the aquarium wing.
Every step hurt, though I tried not to show it, because showing pain made him look at me like that and I couldn’t handle being looked at like that while still needing his arm to stay upright.
The door opened, and my dream came back so vividly I almost felt water rise around my ankles.
Glass.
Light.
Tobias beside me.
Not outside the tank now.