Chapter 29
JAKE
Ellie
Thanks for the postcard. Noah LOVED it. I did too.
Jake
That took longer than I thought! But I’m so glad you got it. How are you both?
Ellie
We’re OK. Noah’s getting more and more excited about school, which is a relief.
Jake
That’s great. I know you were worried about that.
Ellie
Anyway, I’m sorry to bother you. I’ll leave you to it. Safe travels wherever you are. xx
Jake
You never bother me. You know that. Tell me you know that.
Ellie
I know, but it’s hard to judge now that you’re hundreds of miles away. I don’t want to intrude.
Jake
Then let me make it clear. There could be a million miles between us and I’ll still want to hear from you. Night or day. No matter what.
Ellie
Jake. You shouldn’t say things like that.
Jake
I’ve never done what I’m supposed to. Why start now?
To Ellie,
I miss you.
What the hell am I doing here when you and Noah are all the way over there?
Why didn’t you ask me to stay?
I’M SUCH AN IDIOT.
I tossed my pen on the table, shoved the rest of the postcards to one side, and knocked back the rest of my Green Tea Old Fashioned.
After an hour venting my frustration in the batting cage at Chelsea Piers, my friend, Christian, had dragged me to a low-lit dive bar to work our way through the drinks menu, although currently I was two drinks behind.
Unheard of.
“This whole mopey vibe you’ve got going on is ruining the mood,” Christian said, stuffing a nacho chip loaded with guacamole into his mouth.
The crunch crunch crunch made me want to punch something.
“Do you have to eat so loud?” I huffed before doing the exact same thing.
“Oh, because you’re so quiet?”
“I’m quieter than you.”
He shook out his long black hair to retie into a slightly less messy bun, and groaned. “I’m starting to reconsider letting you stay if you’re gonna be a moody asshole the whole time you’re here. Just go home.”
“I can’t.”
“There’s nothing stopping you. You have free will. Use it.”
“You don’t understand.”
“Explain it to me then.”
I let out a heavy sigh, staring at the couple playing pool in the corner and glancing away the second they shared a post-score kiss. I didn’t want to see that shit. “Ellie didn’t ask me to stay. What’s the point?”
Christian shook his head slowly, his upper lip curled in disgust. “Men.”
“Oh, here we go.”
“Useless, the lot of you.”
“Are you gonna offer any advice or is being a pain in my ass your life purpose?”
“As if I’d make a man my whole life purpose.”
“You’re gay.”
“Gay, not stupid.”
“Oh my god.”
“I’m just saying I’m qualified to say that.” He tossed back the rest of his drink, an orange concoction called Smokey & The Bandit, before sucking on the slice of orange from the rim. “Did you ever stop to think maybe she wanted to ask you to stay, but felt she couldn’t?”
“What do you mean?”
“Women don’t always say what they want to say. They’ll say one thing but mean something else entirely, but you’re supposed to know what she meant in the first place.”
“That makes no sense.”
“Exactly.”
“I’m sorry, how exactly is this supposed to help me?”
Christian shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Oh my god, I’d forgotten how annoying you are sometimes.”
“Well, now I’m never gonna let you forget it.” He gave me a playful shove, forgetting his own strength, and sent me toppling off my chair.
We both laughed as I struggled to my feet and dusted myself off.
“You know what we should do now?” he said, rifling through his sports bag for his phone. “FaceTime Avery!”
“Do we have to?”
“Don’t tell me you’re still upset with her? It’s been months.”
“I’m not.” I took another sip of my drink, not really feeling the taste anymore. Everything tasted like shit lately. “To be honest, I look back now and wonder why I was so dramatic.”
“That sounds like you.”
“Gee, thanks.”
Christian fiddled with his phone, tapping the FaceTime app, and I propped my elbows on the table as we waited for Avery to answer.
“Hello?”
For a moment there was nothing but the ceiling on the screen, and I had one horrifying, momentary thought she had maybe answered the call while in bed with my brother or something.
Just because I wasn’t bothered anymore, didn’t mean I wanted to see that.
“Hey, Avery! It’s us! Your two favourite ex-roommates!”
Avery’s face finally appeared on screen. Her dark hair was in its usual messy bun on top of her head, and there was a streak of purple paint down the side of one cheek.
She lit up at the sight of me. “Jake! I didn’t expect you to call.”
“He didn’t,” Christian grumbled. “I did.”
Her face dropped. “Oh.”
“It’s fine. I’ve missed seeing you.”
“I’ve missed seeing you too.”
“You worked things out with my brother yet?” I asked her.
“No. Have you?”
“We have a vague kind of understanding. I’m surprised you didn’t know that though.”
Avery’s gaze drifted off for a moment. “I’ve been out of the country.”
“God, you sound as pathetic and mopey as he is,” Christian whined. “Please don’t tell me you’re sitting there writing love notes too.”
“Postcards,” I corrected.
“Semantics.”
“What are you writing postcards for?” Avery asked, curious now. “I didn’t think anyone sent postcards anymore.”
“If no one sends them, why can I still buy them everywhere?”
She laughed. “Touché.”
I offered her a smug grin. “Noah loves the post office and I knew he’d love receiving something addressed to him for the first time. I wish I could’ve seen his little face.” I couldn’t help the cheek-pinching grin as the image of him popped in my mind.
Fuck. I missed him so much.
“Oh my god,” Avery said.
“Right? He’s so cute, guys. Trust me. His excitement for post knows no bounds.”
“No, I mean. You’re totally in love with this woman and her son.”
“What?” I barked, unsettled by the swarm of heat under my skin.
Christian slapped me on the back. “Man, I never thought I’d see the day.”
“Shut up.”
“No, this is a good thing,” Avery said. “Why are you freaking out? Is this why you’re there and not here? Because you’re freaking out?”
“No, I’m here as planned.”
“We’ve changed plans plenty of times before,” Christian said. “If you’d really wanted to stay in the UK, you could have. But you’re using this as an excuse.”
“Not an excuse,” I admitted. “A test.”
There was some movement on screen as Avery changed positions. “What do you mean?”
“So much of my life has been about getting away, always on the move, a different city or country every couple of days, and I thought that’s what my life would be like forever.
I never felt the desire to stay home, and if I did, that feeling never lasted long.
A couple of months at most and then I was off again. ”
“And you think that’s changed?” Christian asked.
“I know it has. I feel like it has. I’m sitting here and all I can think about is what I’m missing at home.”
“Then go home, Jake.”
“No. It’s only been a couple of weeks. Maybe it’ll wear off soon.”
“Your feelings aren’t a hangover or temporary tattoo,” Avery said, sounding part baffled, part frustrated. “They’re not going to fade. Trust me.”
“They might, and if they do, then I made the right choice staying away. For all of us, but especially Ellie and Noah. Hurting them would destroy me.”
“Okay, but what if your feelings don’t fade?” Christian wondered.
“Then I’ll think about that when and if the time comes.”
London sunsets were hard to beat, but New York gave them a run for their money.
Camera poised in the air, I cast a sweeping glance across the Central Park Reservoir, settling on my perspective, then snapped a dozen photographs of the sunset across the Upper West Side. The sky was a mix of purples and pinks, reflecting on the water below.
I usually found peace in a moment like this, when the world reminded you how small you were, how life was fleeting, but I was pretty sure I’d left all my peace back home.
I couldn’t shake the thought of it, and I didn’t think I wanted to anymore.
After watching the world go by for a while, I made my way out of the park to rejoin Fifth Avenue when my phone buzzed with a text.
I blinked three times at the name and message on the screen.
Mum
We’re proud of you.
Jake
Sorry, I think you have the wrong number. Or the wrong child.
Mum
I deserved that.
I saw your photography exhibit. It was wonderful, Jacob.
Jake
What? How?
Mum
I had lunch with Ellie the other week and she took me there afterwards. I’ve not been able to stop thinking about it.
Wait. Wait. Wait.
What?
I halted right in the middle of the street.
Jake
You saw Ellie? Is she okay? How’s Noah?
Mum
I’m sure you could ask her that yourself. But she’s fine. Noah too. They both miss you though.
Jake
They said that?
Mum
They did. But even if they hadn’t, I could see it all over their faces.
Jake
I miss them too. I can’t believe she showed you the gallery.
Mum
She loves you very much. She didn’t say it out loud, but a mother knows, Jacob.
Jake
You can’t know that.
Mum
I can and I do. Come home and claim that girl before someone else does.
I scowled at my phone. The thought of Ellie with another man made me want to spiral in a fit of jealous rage. The acidic burn of it tore at my throat. It was nails-on-a-chalkboard irritating, only the irritation never stopped.
But I couldn’t deny the truth. Ellie was beautiful and kind, and it wouldn’t take long before someone snapped her up.
Jake
Don’t get involved please.
Mum
Someone has to.
Jake
I’m not cut out for that kind of life. It’s better to cut ties now before anyone got hurt. The thought of hurting them kills me inside.
Mum
I think you’re very much cut out for that life, but maybe that’s what scares you.
Jake
You don’t know what you’re talking about.
With no immediate reply, I stuffed my phone into my pocket and resumed the walk down Fifth Avenue.
I popped into the LEGO store and bought a couple of dinosaur sets for Noah, and a 1000-piece brick botanicals puzzle for Ellie, then stopped to take a few photographs of St. Patrick’s Cathedral across the road, drawn by the change in light across the gothic spires.
My phone rang as I was about to cross the street to get some perspectives of the other side, so I shifted out of the walkway and answered without checking the screen. I knew who it was anyway.
“You realise that I’m in the US right?” I said. “Your phone bill won’t thank you.”
“You’re more important right now,” Mum replied. “Where are you now anyway?”
“Still in New York.”
“It’s been over two weeks. That’s unlike you to stay in one place so long.”
“I didn’t feel like moving around much this time.”
“Yes, because you should be here with Ellie and your son.”
My stomach flipped. “He’s not—”
“Don’t lie to me. I saw the way you were with him, how much you love him. I saw the pictures on Ellie’s fridge and the signs of the life you made together. At the end of the day, that’s all that matters.”
“Maybe.”
“There’s no maybe about it. I’m right.”
“Not if Ellie doesn’t feel the same. She’s the most important here. I need her to tell me this, Mum. Otherwise it’s all just meaningless words.”
“Maybe she already has in her own way, and you just haven’t listened. Besides, did you tell her how you felt?”
Fuck. She had me there.
“Well…”
“Exactly.” Mum sighed like she’d reached the point of true exhaustion. “Anyway, when you get home, don’t forget to bring Noah over to visit me.” Her tone told me she hadn’t listened to a word I’d said. “I bought one of those Xbox thingies for him to play when he’s here.”
“You bought him an Xbox? We begged for a game console for years and you refused.”
“I want him to like me.”
“You can’t buy his love, you know.”
“Of course not, but it sure helps.”
Jake
I can’t believe you took my mum to the exhibit.
Ellie
Did I cross a line?
Jake
No, but I’d let you cross whatever line you wanted. I’m just wondering why would you do that?
Ellie
Someone had to.
Jake
But why, Ellie?
Ellie
Because she should know how talented you are. You deserve your family’s support, but they have to know about these things for that to happen.
Maggie used to tell me I hid myself away from the world, and I think part of you did too.
Jake
Fuck. I miss you.
Ellie
We miss you too.
With Christian holed up in his studio preparing for September Fashion Week, I decided to play tourist. I’d lost count of how many times I’d visited over the years, but there was always something new to find, and the familiar, gridded structure of the city made exploring easy.
I spent the day in midtown wasting an obscene amount of time snapping photographs of the Empire State Building in the summer light, and even braced the bustle of Times Square to buy Noah some more postcards, even though I’d likely never send them.
After, I jumped on the subway to Clark Street, plonked down in one of the free seats, and let my gaze go hazy in thought.
“You don’t see that anymore.”
I blinked at the elderly lady seated next to me. “Sorry?”
“Postcards.” She gestured at the stack in my hand.
“Oh. Yeah. My…” I swallowed around the words, the truth of them tearing at my throat, desperate to be heard.
I could say them out loud here, with a stranger sitting next to me, and live in the beauty of the lie for a little while, even if they were the truth of my goddamn heart.
“My little boy loves anything to do with letters and the post office,” I said finally, unsurprised by how right it sounded. My little boy. “I figured he’d love these.”
“Oh, that’s so cute. Is that him?”
The lock screen on my phone must’ve come to life with all the jostling, and I smiled at the image of me, Ellie and Noah on the London Eye.
Propped on my hip, Noah had his arms wrapped around my neck, and we’d cuddled up close to Ellie as she snapped the selfie of the three of us. It had been one of the hottest, sunniest days of the year so far, and our smiles were as bright as the London skyline behind us.
“Yeah, that’s him,” I admitted, the emotion of it as real as the memory of that day.
The best day.
“You have a beautiful family,” the lady said.
“Thank you.” I thumbed at the image on the screen, tracing their smiles and the outline of their faces in the way I desperately wanted, as if they were real and solid before me. “I really do.”