Chapter 25
Truth never hides
ADITYA
“They are here,” I shout. Sahil's updates on their route stopped about an hour ago.
He did not answer my call either, so I rang Jimmy.
The guys went radio silent. At first, the ghosting seemed like a prank, but the nerves got the better of me, running worst-case scenarios.
Did they run out of petrol? Did they have an accident?
I did not have so many nails to chew, so I woke the house up.
Kiron grumbled as they dialled Sahil's number.
Thank God, Sahil picked up. What a welcome relief it was to find they were safe and on their way.
Hurrying down the steps, I crash into Jimmy and hold him tight, sniffing him to fill my lungs to wipe away the hour of anxious waiting. “I missed you.” But his hands do not match the tightness of mine. I look up. “What's wrong?”
Jimmy's eyes are lost in a painful daze.
“Guys, did something happen on the way?” I turn to Sahil and Kenny.
Sahil studies his shoes while Kenny's eyes mirror Jimmy's pain. Taking a few steps with dread and a pounding heart, I reach out to Jimmy, but he snaps his hand out of my reach.
“Will any one of you speak? You are scaring the hell out of me.” I study the three of them.
Still, no response. Jimmy shakes his head in disgust. Kenny stands by Sahil, joining him in examining the gravel path.
“Kiron, Brian, Sudhanshu, something is wrong.” My voice breaks as I call the rest of them. The net door creaks, followed by the crunch of shoes on the wooden steps, announcing their arrival.
“Why do you look as if someone died?” Kiron shares my apprehension. They come and stand beside me.
Jimmy hands me his phone. I read the email, scrolling down. Blood drains away from my body. I stumble, but Kiron catches me. “Aditya, what’s wrong? Why do you seem to have seen a ghost?” I hand them the phone and look at Jimmy. The tears in his eyes shatter my world.
“Jimmy, I can—”
“No! I don't want to hear anything.” Jimmy holds his hand up, stopping me in my tracks. He turns to Kenny. “Why did you bring me here? Take me to my place.”
I grab Jimmy's arm. “Please, hear me out. Give me a chance.” My pleas fall on deaf ears. He shrugs himself away and slams the door to the car. Kenny and Sahil get in and drive away.
I turn with dread to find gloom around me. Even the forests are mourning. Sudhanshu is busy swiping on Jimmy's phone, his lips tight in a frown. Brian shakes his head before he turns and walks inside.
Kiron has their arms clutching their chest. They utter only one word: “Why?”
The single word lands a solid punch to my gut.
But despite knowing this day would arrive, the hurt and disdain on the guys’ faces twist the knife deeper.
I did not accept the bomb going off in my face, catching me unawares — at least not before January, when I planned to reveal the truth, first to Jimmy and later to the rest of the group.
“Please forgive me. This is not what you think. Give me a chance.” I reach out to Kiron, but they step back.
“How do we know what you want to tell us will not be another lie?” The sharpness of Sudhanshu's distrust cuts through my heart more than the question.
I collapse to the ground, the gravel digging into my knees. Where do I begin?
“The signs were present early on. A sweating Bruce Willis in a bloodied white vest in Die Hard had me watching the movie on repeat.
The time I spent staring at the rippling muscles of competitors in the men's gymnastics routine at the 1996 Olympics.
I had no reference points to recognise them.
I lived in ignorant bliss. In high school, I found out how society viewed my attraction to other boys.
The reality came up in a casual conversation with a classmate.
I admired one of my seniors walking past us. Roshan gave me weird looks.
‘Are you gay?’ He asked. In my naivety, I said yes.
He looked at me in disgust before mocking me.
Confused, I asked, ‘what is gay?’ I only knew the literal meaning of the word gay.
He told other classmates, and I became the butt of jokes.
I went home and searched. The horror unleashed by my class made me shiver and bury all those emotions.
Unaware and na?ve, I built a closet around myself and locked the doors from the inside.
I worked to demonstrate every social stereotype of not being gay. ” I finger-quote the last three words.
“Dated a girl. Kissed her in public. Even got into a few fights with the other boys to make myself acceptable again.” I rub the cut above my right eyebrow.
“Created a sham around me. Throughout those years, I devoted my entire energy to avoiding those attractions. Watching my back every time I second-glanced at a man or showed any fondness when I found someone attractive for fear of being labelled —or beaten up.” I pause and close my eyes for a bit.
The pain in my heart is pounding against its fragile walls.
“Until the exhaustion became too much, and I needed to find a way out. I had run out of time and excuses. How do I undo ten years of marriage? How do I unravel the knots I had tightened for the past twenty years? Shalini only wanted one thing in the divorce – another two years of my silence. She needed me to keep pretending to find her self-respect and life back. After what our fake marriage had dumped on her, I did not dare to say no.”
I wipe the free-falling tears. “The book deal gives me the financial freedom to redo my life. Start a new one at a new place with new friends.” And a family one day, but my foolishness has jeopardised everything.
“Priya and I were already discussing how to deal with my problem before I met Jimmy. I did not intend to involve him, but the publication dates moved up. In my desperation, I mentioned Jimmy to Priya. If nothing worked out, we could approach him. I hoped the opportunity would jump-start his career and help me keep my promise to Shalini.”
“Does Priya know you are involved with Jimmy?” Sudhanshu asks.
“Yes,” I whisper my response.
A bag drops on the path. Brian clears his throat to gather our attention.
“Guess you need to sort this whole mess.” He picks up the bags and walks to his Jeep.
He puts them on the rear seat and turns to me.
“I don't see how Jimmy will ever forgive you, but until he does, don't get in touch with Kenny or me.” Brian nods to Kiron and Sudhanshu and drives away.
They both look at me and walk inside before I can open my mouth. I sit on my haunches, alone in my pain. My punishment has only begun. Everyone leaves.
A house filled with chatter, banter, and laughter only an hour ago now sits silent and morose. My shaking fingers hover over Jatin's number. What will I say to him? Jatin has been hounding me since the Delhi Pride to reveal the truth. I am not in the mood to listen to his sighs of ‘I told you so.’
I haven't stopped sobbing since Kiron and Sudhanshu left. One sniffle over the phone, and Jatin will be standing at my door. I can't face him. Another relationship failure is stamped on my forehead.
Frustrated with myself, I want to lash out at someone. A particular person comes to mind. The moment she answers the phone; I plough into her. “Priya, why did you do this to me? Why did you have to destroy my life?”
“Aditya, what happened? Why are you upset?” Priya's surprised voice crackles over the speaker.
“Jimmy found out.” A sob escapes despite my best efforts to hold my voice. “He hates me. Jimmy hates me, and all my friends here are gone because of your email.”
“What email?”
“The email you sent this morning.” My voice breaks between sniffles.
“Aditya, one minute, let me find a private place.” A door slams shut before Priya comes on the line again. “Something is wrong. Why would I do such a thing?”
“But the emails were from your ID. All the conversations we have had. Even copies of our publishing agreement.”
She stays silent.
“Priya, are you there?”
“Aditya, I did not send those emails.”
“Who else had access to your desktop? What about someone from your office?” This is so confusing. What game is she playing?
“Umm, not sure.” Priya takes a deep breath. “Aditya, someone broke into our office last night. The police are here.”
“What? When?” The news increases my worry.
“Today, at around three in the morning. I got a call from the street guard. He found the office door open. I rushed here to find the office ransacked. But the funny thing is, no valuable item is missing.”
Who broke into Priya's office? What were they searching for? An uneasiness settles in my stomach. I pace in the kitchen. “Your office has CCTV?” I ask Priya.
“Yes, but the ones inside were tampered with. The police officer checked.” Priya douses my hope.
“What about the one on the stairs leading up to the bank opposite your office?”
“Hmm, let me speak to the bank manager. But she will be here only by ten.”
“What do we do till then? How do we find out who forwarded those emails? The break-in may not be related.” I express my concerns to Priya.
“Aditya, do you want me to speak to Jimmy?”
Priya or anyone else will not help. This is a grave I have dug, so I must work my way out of it. “No. Give me a few days.”
“Okay. Let me know if I can be of any help. Meanwhile, I will keep you informed of the developments here.” Priya consoles me one more time before hanging up.
Bile rises in my chest, spreading a bitter taste of guilt in my mouth.
The punching bag I had hoped to tear apart is taken away from me.
On whom now do I vent my frustration? If not Priya, who is behind this?
A fear plants itself in my mind. Have they found out?
But how? This time, I don't stop myself and dial Jatin, narrating every event since morning, including the break-in at Priya's office.
“Do you think Rahul broke into Priya’s office and forwarded those emails?”
“Hmm, the timing suggests the two incidents are not a coincidence, but Addy, will your ex-in-laws go so far?”
“Hate, anger, and revenge drive most conflicts, even lead to war between nations. Shalini's family is out for my blood. They will do everything to ruin me. I am not worried about myself, but my actions have hurt Jimmy.”
“Addy, go to him. Jimmy is upset. Go plead, grovel, do everything you can to speak to him. If he must know the truth, you should be the one to tell him.”
“What if he does not listen?”
“Find a way, Addy.”
Jatin is right. But will Jimmy even meet me? After agreeing to Jatin's plan to keep tabs on Shalini's father and brother, I disconnect the call. Time to put on my adult pants and face the music.
***
“Who the hell let you inside? I have no place for liars.” Jimmy slurs as he screams at me from the bed.
I had to beg Sahil for one chance to speak to Jimmy. The sight of a dishevelled, broken Jimmy cuts through my soul.
“You are no different from Jatinder. For a petty amount of money, people like you will speak any number of lies, even if your mouths destroy someone's life.”
I soak in his verbal punch, which he lands on my face by placing me in the same bucket as his cousin, who had outed him to his parents.
“Jimmy, you are drunk.” I reach out to steady him as he stands from the bed. He shrugs my hand away.
“Don't you dare touch me! You hide behind the curtains of your fake straight-passing relationship while we do the dirty lifting of being beaten up, tortured, and abandoned.” Jimmy's finger jabs into my chest, pushing me back.
Every word is a fireball. The rasp of each breath singes, burning me and my world to ashes. The forest fire I had so dreaded engulfs me in its throes.
“You could do so much more.” Jimmy seethes in rage. “Instead, you chose to hide, like a coward. What use are your degrees, your stature, your wealth?”
Another piercing jibe. Another step back.
“You had the privilege to speak to the hundreds of kids and people like me who are hanging by a thread with no hope. Imagine an eighteen-year-old boy tied by a rope in a mud hut in a remote village corner, denied food for days. Consider the darkness of abandonment when his mother stood by the side while her relatives dragged her son by his hair and beat him every morning and evening because he refused to marry a girl.” Jimmy's eyes are moist. I reach out to touch his face. But again, he pushes my hand away.
“If the boy read in a newspaper about a history professor in a prestigious Delhi college, a successful author who is gay, someone like him, he would have hope. He would keep a fire burning in his heart. A flame to help the boy go on while he struggled to find his next meal. When he slept on the roadside without a roof over his head...” Jimmy sobs, covers his face with his hands, and stumbles onto the bed.
“What part of you should I believe? What part of us should I trust?”
“Jimmy, please, give me one chance to explain.” I fall to my knees and tap his thigh, hoping he will face me.
But he moves his legs away and shakes his head. “You want one chance. Why? I gave you everything: my life, my friends.” He thumps his chest with his fist. “I have nothing more to give. This is empty. You tore away what was in here and crushed me. You destroyed me, Aditya. You destroyed us.”