12. Ryan
CHAPTER 12
RYAN
I spend almost two hours at the vet, and even though I volunteered so June could spend quality time with Jake and Lachy, I’m a little annoyed. We’re busy during hockey season, and now I want to spend every single minute of my days off with June. When I’m not with her, the darkness returns to my chest. I remember about my fucked-up life and the decision I have to make.
My brother expects me to put the past behind me andgosee Mom. Deep down, I know he’s right. I’ll regretit forthe rest of my life if I don’t make peace with her. But it’s easier said than done. Every time I think about her, all the pain from the past comes back with a vengeance. I see Dad heartbroken, cradling a bottle of whiskey as he sobs over the loss of his marriage. Seeing him in so much painis whatmade me vow to never fall in love.
Then I witnessed Lachy go through the same bullshit when Lorena betrayed him, which served to reinforce my commitment to stay single forever. But I didn’t expect to fall in love with June.She came into our lives like a soft summer breeze, and my vowwent upin flames.
My phone rings, and the call connects with my car’s audio system. It’s my brother. My jaw locks tight. It’s like I summoned him with my thoughts by thinking about our parents.Idebatefor a couple seconds not answering him, but that won’t do me any good.The doubt and the guilt will keep festering in my chest.
“Hello?”
“Ryan, I just heard about what happened. Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. I wasn’t on the plane.”
“I know that. Unlike you, I keep tabs on my family. You got hurt in the last game.”
“I keep tabs on you, too,”I retort. “I just have less time.”
“I’m a surgeon resident,” he grits out. “I can’t remember the last time I slept for more than three hours straight.”
I knew my excuse was weak and wouldn’t hold. My brother works way more hours than I do for a fraction of what I make.“That’s why God invented coffee.”
“God didn’t invent coffee. The Ethiopians did.”
I shake my head and laugh. “You’re such a nerd. And who created the Ethiopians?”
“I’m not going to discuss philosophy with you. Have youmade a decision aboutMom?”
My chest feels heavy and about to cave in.I’ve done everything I could to not think about her. First, I got stupid drunk, and then came the crisis with the Titans’ plane. “No.”
“Ryan... She has stage four?—”
“I know! You don’t need to fucking remind me. I got the picture the first time you told me.” I rub my face, already regretting my outburst. “I’m sorry.”
“I know you are, Ryan. Anyway... my leave of absence was approved by the hospital. I’m flying to San Diego in a couple of days.”
“How long are you staying?”
“I’m not sure. It depends on how long... you know.”
“Yeah,” I reply through the choke in my throat.
“I was hoping you’d come.”
I clench my jaw so tight, my teeth hurt. I’m still benched, but I’m hoping to be cleared to play this week. I could find the time to meet my brother in San Diego, though. It might be easier to deal with my feelings if I’m not alone. But I rebel against the idea. I locked Mom and everything she did in a dungeon and threw away the key.
“How can you afford to take time off work?” I ask.
“I’ll manage.”
“Cory... At least let me send you some money.”
“I don’t want your damn money! I want you to stop thinking about yourself for a second and go see Mom. She’s not the only one suffering. Mackenzie is a mess.”
I swallow the lump in my throat as guilt digs its claws deeper inside of me. Not too long ago, I would have said I didn’t give a damn about that girl, but now... shit. I do feel bad that I pushed her away. It’s not her fault our mother was a selfish woman. Mom had checked out of her marriage to my father long before she got knocked up with Mackenzie.
“Stop being so fucking stubborn. Do you think it’s easy to see you struggling financially when I have plenty of money to spare? And now this?”
“You’re calling me stubborn?” He laughs in derision.
“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll come to San Diego if you accept my help.”
Cory doesn’t answer for a couple beats. He’s not only stubborn, he’s also a proud man. He wants to make it on his own, which drives me mad. He shares a shitty apartment in Montreal with four other residents and always looks like he isn’t eating enough. I’m sure ramen noodles is on the menu way too many times per week.
“Fine. I’ll take your money. But you have to be nice to Mackenzie, or the deal is off.” He doesn’t ask me to be nice to Mom, which shows how smart he is.
I sigh heavily. “As long as she’s not a brat.”
“She isn’t, although, she hates your guts right now.”
“I’m used to women hating me.”
“I bet you are. I have to go. I’ll send you my flight details.”
“All right, Cory. I’ll see you in a couple days.”
I’m still reeling minutes after the call ended. I can’t believe I agreed to go to San Diego to visit my mother. We’ve been living hours away for almost a decade, and I made the mistake of seeking her out only once. I drove to her house in a moment of weakness soon after I signed with the Titans. But I never got out of the car. I saw her with Mackenzie, being all motherly and shit, and it did my head in. I couldn’t cope, and my resentment of her grew.
I’m feeling wretched again when I get home, and dying for a burst of sunshine that only June can give me. I don’t bother knocking, and I find the front door of Mrs. Carpenter’s apartment unlocked.
“Hello?” I call when I don’t see anyone around.
Winston barks from inside his crate, and Admiral repeats my greeting. But other than that, it’s dead quiet. I set Eros in his crate on floor and keep him inside, per the vet’s instruction. Then I call June.
“Hey,” she answers on the third ring.
“Hey, where is everyone?”
“Jake went back to your apartment to take a shower. Lachy and I are at the grocery store. I forgot to buy vanilla ice cream for the pie.”
“Oh. I’m back from the vet. I found the door unlocked and got worried.”
“Really? Lachy, you said you locked the door.”
“Oops,” Lachy replies in the background.
Typical Lachy. He always has his head in the clouds. The only time he fully concentrates is when he’s in the crease.
“Word of advice don’t trust Lachy with that kind of stuff. When will you be home?” I try to keep the wistfulness from my voice, but I don’t know if I succeeded.
“Soon. Is everything okay?”
My spine goes taut. “Yeah. Everything is fine. Why?”
“Don’t know. You sound sad.”
I run my fingers through my hair. I might be sad and acting like a baby, but I don’t want her to know that.
“Yeah, Peaches. Everything is fine. Just hurry back.”