28. Ryan
CHAPTER 28
RYAN
M y heart is beating so fast, I’m afraid it’ll puncture a hole in my chest. I try to brace for this reunion, erect thick walls around my heart, but when I see my once beautiful mother, lying in a hospital bed looking like a wraith, I almost lose my shit then and there.
She’s skin and bones, and there’s no sign of her luscious dark hair. The purple beanie—her favorite color—makes her coloring even more washed out. Cory and Mackenzie are standing next to her bed, and a man with gray hair and a thick beard is sitting in the corner.
He looks at me with bloodshot eyes. I saw him once with my mother, right before she took off. That’s Mackenzie’s father. I hated his guts just as much as I hated my mother’s. But now, seeing his sorrowful state, I only pity him.
“Ryan...” Mom croaks. “I can’t believe you came.”
I swallow the lump in my throat and move closer. “Hello, Mom.”
Her face twists into a sorrowful expression. She covers her mouth with her bony hands and lets out a sob. My vision becomes blurry, and it takes me a moment to realize tears are clouding my vision.
“Mom, are you all right?” Cory asks.
“I’m okay. I just can’t believe all my babies are here with me. Come closer, Ryan.”
Caught in my turmoil, I don’t move. I’m heartbroken to see Mom like this, but my anger is still present. “I’m okay here.”
Her expression falls, which earns me Cory’s and Mackenzie’s glares. I don’t know what they expected from me. Mackenzie might not understand, but Cory knows why I’m acting this way.
Mom’s partner stands up. “Let’s give your mother and Ryan some time alone.”
Mackenzie walks out with her father, but Cory lingers to whisper, “Please, don’t say anything to upset her.”
“I’ll try.”
When they’re gone, Mom asks, “Do you still hate me, Ryan?”
“Honestly, I don’t know.”
She licks her dry lips. “I wouldn’t hold it against you if you did.”
Her comment pisses me off. “Gee, thanks?”
“You may not know if you hate me, but you’re still angry with me. Truthfully, I’m angry at myself too.”
I cross my arms. “Why?”
“I shouldn’t have left you and Cory. There’s never been a moment I haven’t regretted my decision.”
“If you regretted your decision, why didn’t you come back for us?”
Her eyes fill with tears again. “I couldn’t do that to Simon. I had already hurt him too much. If I took you from him... I don’t know what he’d have done.”
“He would have most likely killed himself faster instead of going the route of suicide by booze,” I blurt out, regretting my words immediately when Mom winces.
“I could give you all the excuses in the world, but the reality is, I was a selfish woman. I never loved your father. It was wrong of me to marry him only to escape my father’s iron-fist rules.”
“You destroyed him.”
“I know, and I’ll never forgive myself for that. This illness hasn’t been easy, but I welcome all the suffering. It’s what I deserve.”
I lonely tear escapes the corner of my eye. “No one deserves this, Mom.”
“I want you to know that I’ve followed every step of your career. I even attended a few of your games.”
My brows shoot to the heavens. “You did?”
“Yes, and when I heard the news about the plane... it was the worst day of my life. I thought I had lost my chance to say how much I love you.”
I shuffle closer to her bedside, wiping away the tears that are freely rolling down my cheeks. “Why didn’t you ever try to contact me?”
“I didn’t think you’d want to see me. You were so angry when I left.”
“I was a kid . I needed you.”
She takes my hand, and it shocks me how cold hers is. “I’m so sorry, sweetie. I know what I did is hard to forgive, and there’s little time left to try to earn your forgiveness.”
I bite the inside of my cheek, trying to stop my crying from turning ugly. My heart is a fucking mangled mess. “I came to see you once when I moved to LA.”
“You did?”
“I saw you with Mackenzie. I got jealous of you with her, so I left. I could have tried harder, and I didn’t. That’s on me.”
“No, sweetie. Don’t blame yourself. I won’t allow it. I’m the only one at fault here. And please, don’t resent your sister. She’s innocent in all this. If I can’t have your forgiveness before I depart, I’d like you to give her a chance.”
I nod. “I will. I promise.”
“Mom?” Mackenzie walks back in. “You should rest.”
“I’m fine.”
I step back, wiping my face. “It’s okay. I can come back later.”
“You’re not going back to LA?” Mom asks.
“Not right away.”
She smiles softly. “Okay then. I suppose I could take a nap. I’m a bit tired.”
“I’ll see you later.” I walk out of the room and don’t stop to talk to anyone.
“Ryan... where are you going?” June asks.
“I need a minute, Peaches.”
I keep walking without a destination in mind. I don’t look at the signs, but somehow, I end up in the hospital’s chapel. Currently, it’s empty. I’m not a religious person, but I welcome the peacefulness. I take a seat and replay the conversation with Mom. Regret and sadness are making my chest so heavy, I can barely breathe.
I’m not sure how long I remain alone—maybe an hour or longer—but I don’t need to look to know when my solitude is broken. I can feel her.
June sits next to me and takes my hand. She doesn’t say anything, just stays there, lending me her strength with her presence alone.
I’m the one who breaks the silence first. “I want to forgive her, but I’m not sure I can.”
“I believe you can.”
I shake my head. “I can’t get over all the pain from the past. I will always remember how utterly lost I was.”
“Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to forget the past.”
“I know. I’ve hated her for so long, I’m not sure how to cope if I stop.”
“I don’t think you truly hate her.”
I release a loud sigh. “You’re right. I don’t. Even though she hurt me so much, I love her. She’s my mother. She knows she messed up and regrets it. But I can’t help thinking she’s only remorseful because she’s dying.”
“Does it matter? Many people don’t realize the damage they’ve done until the end. At least you gave her the chance to ask for your forgiveness.”
I look at June. “Do you think I should forgive her?”
“Only you know the answer to that. Try to put yourself in her shoes.”
I take a deep breath. “If I had hurt you beyond measure, I’d want your forgiveness before I died.”
June touches my face. “And I would give you that because I love you.”
“Even if what I did made you hate me?”
“Yes.” She smiles. “I could never hate wholeheartedly.”
I take advantage of the emptiness of the chapel and kiss my girl. I need to be near her and taste her love. I’m taking a silent vow to never, ever hurt June the way I’ve been hurt. It would destroy me if she couldn’t forgive me.
And just like that, I have my answer.