Chapter 15
FIFTEEN
Grey
“Oli, stop! I can’t take any more. I have four kids, and this is the third job I’ve lost. I keep landing on five and owing you money.
Please let this one go. Give me a fucking break.
I have loans out the ass!” Andre slides his chair closer to him.
“What do I got to do, huh?” His brows wiggle. “I’ll make it worth your while.”
“You owe me twenty grand. Pay me.” Andre throws his cards onto the game board then hands his fiancé twenty grand.
“Don’t be mad at me because my wife and our two kids are thriving.
I’m a fucking doctor. You should have wrapped it.
” I look at the two male pegs in Andre’s yellow car.
Somehow, he’s ended up with six kids and has an extra car to hold them all.
“Got some omega thing going on over there.”
I’m childless, which is the only way I ever want to play life. Real life and this game. I love my niece, don’t get me wrong, but the anxiety I feel for her safety is debilitating some days. I don’t think my heart could take any more children in my life.
We’re almost done playing. I’m almost at retirement. I glance up now, and Felix is doing the dishes. I offered to let him play but he declined, choosing to watch us instead for a bit, then he prepared some meals for the week.
After that incredible orgasm he gave me, I ordered groceries. I had him pick some things he wanted too. It’s taking him a bit to get comfortable asking me to buy things, but he lives here too. I want him to feel at home.
It’s been so long since I’ve had someone here.
It’s nice. Nicer than I expected. But I have to remind myself to slow down.
Felix is just getting out of something serious and traumatic.
He’s dealing with a lot. I know this. Still, my heart can’t help but plow straight ahead into the things I feel.
It’s hard because when I really like someone, I’m eager. Maybe a bit too much.
“Yes! Hello, night school.” Atlas draws a new career card. I don’t really get the point since he’s nearly done as well. “Sweet! Photographer. I’m so getting laid now.”
“Oh yes, because being a hockey player has put you in a real drought.”
“Fuck you, Oli. Women love me.” Atlas pouts. I know I’ve put off telling him, and Oli’s given me his own version of the look a few times tonight.
“You guys want another beer?” Felix stands next to me, and I have the urge to pull him closer. There’s this heat that keeps building under my skin. These last few days have really stirred up a storm inside me.
“Please.” I smile up at him.
He takes my empties, and okay, maybe I check out his ass as he walks to the counter. “Grey?”
“Huh?” I look at Andre.
“You okay there, buddy?” Andre sips his drink with a shit-eating grin. Atlas is still nursing his third pina colada. “Looking a little pink there.” He pops the P sound. Jackass. “Too many beers?”
I fight the urge to flip him off, knowing full well Oli would probably break my finger.
No one talks shit to Andre and gets away with it.
Not even his best friends. Funny, since shit talking is these two idiots’ love language.
“Fuck off.” Oli’s eyes narrow on me. “I liked it better when you two hated each other.”
“Oli never hated me. He loved me so hard he thought it was hatred.”
“Ah . . . No, baby, I fucking hated you.” Andre glares at him. “And look how wrong I was. Love you.”
“Asshole.”
Felix sets a drink in front of me. “Thank you.” I smile at him, and a soft blush creeps across the bridge of his nose.
He goes back to the dishes, and my eyes sneak a glimpse again of his ass in those jeans he’s wearing.
He’s paired them with a black henley that hugs his slim body. Damn he’s got a cute butt.
“You’re in a great mood today.” Andre smirks.
My head lolls back toward him with a glare I hope he can feel in his fucking bones.
“I feel good today. Really good.” I take a sip of my drink, heat rushing to my face.
I roll, ignoring these assholes, and make my way to retirement.
I must have about five million sitting here with my salary and all the cards I have to cash in.
“No, Andre’s right. You do look different.” Oli squints at me, tilting his head. “Holy shit!” he blurts out. “You got laid!”
“Shut up, Oli.”
“Who’s the lucky man?” Andre bats his lashes, putting his elbows on the table, hands under his chin. He looks like Lianna does when it’s tea time.
“Can we get back to the game, please?” I really don’t want to talk about this.
Atlas blinks between us all. “Wait. Did you really?” he frowns, confused. “How is that even possible?”
“My knee is injured. Everything else works just fine, thank you!” I chug the rest of my beer.
“So you did get laid.” Andre grins. “Spill. Who broke into your fortress of solitude and fondled you?”
“You’re a dick.” I swig my drink, ignoring Oli’s murderous glare. “Don’t look at me! Tell your man to knock it off!” See, this is what I can’t stand. Then my eyes flick to Felix who’s aggressively drying plates, the tips of his ears bright red. Oli follows my gaze. Stop looking at Felix!
A slow grin spreads on Oli’s stupid face. “Wait—”
“Oli!” I warn.
“No fucking way.”
Felix turns to us, alarm in his eyes. It’s like he’s caught in headlights. And while I have no problem getting teased, I don’t want him to be uncomfortable.
“Stop. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Oli looks at Felix, who’s basically squirming where he stands. Andre grins. “Caretaking that ass,” he whispers into his drink.
“I’m going to kick you all out if you don’t stop,” I warn.
My serious turn makes them stop. I will not have Felix feeling embarrassed.
Besides, it’s not like that. Right? In all this chaos my normally mouthy best friend is quiet.
“What’s wrong?” I ask Atlas. He blinks at me, his blue eyes glazed a bit. The drinks must be getting to him.
“Nothing,” he says softly. “Drinks are making my stomach hurt. I need water.” He gets up, but Felix rushes to the cupboard to get him a glass.
Atlas watches him as he fills up the cup, almost glaring.
He must be drunker than I thought. I need to tell him.
He takes the glass, not thanking Felix, and drops back into his seat.
Oli is watching him too, then his eyes flick to me.
While I don’t want to tell him now, it’ll take the heat off Felix.
I guess now is the time. “I need to tell you something.” I know Atlas will be pissed that everyone else here knows before him.
The thing is, my friend doesn’t like to feel left out.
I’ve put this off long enough. I just know he’ll be upset.
We’ve been best friends since he got signed.
We’ve shared hotel rooms and plane rides.
Once a year we even go on a friend vacation, just the two of us.
He’s my best friend, and missing out on being on the road with him hurts. “What’s up?” Atlas hedges.
I look at him, and something’s off. Maybe he isn’t feeling well after all.
“Look, I want to apologize about how I’ve been.
It’s not fair on you, but I promise I’m getting better.
” He looks at me now, and I take his hand in mine, giving it a squeeze.
“You know I love you, and the way I’ve treated you is horrible.
I’m so sorry.” He blinks but nods. “The reason why I’ve been so upset is . . . I haven’t been honest with you.”
“What do you mean?”
“After the surgery, my doctor told me that if I play again, and if I get injured, I could risk permanent damage. I’ve had so many surgeries they advised me that I should retire.” I take another sip. “So that’s what I’m going to do.”
He tugs his hand out of mine. “Are you fucking joking?”
“Atlas—”
“No, that’s bullshit! You just need to rehab.” He shakes his head and I can already see him shutting down.
“Atlas, listen to me—”
“You’ll be fine. You look better already. I mean, you just need to take it easy.”
I grab his shoulders, forcing him to look at me. “This is why I didn’t tell you!” Once I yell the words, I want to take them back. Atlas blinks at me. There’s a thing about Atlas Oli doesn’t know.
Actually, there are many things.
He doesn’t know the squalor Atlas grew up in.
He doesn’t know the story behind the Penelope tattoo on his chest. He doesn’t know that Atlas suffers from severe PTSD and childhood trauma that he has never truly dealt with.
He doesn’t know that our friend is a functioning alcoholic and drinks way more than he lets us know, and no matter how hard I try and get him help he never goes through with it.
I do what I can. I’m there for him. I’m there through his binges and when the darkness in his mind gets too much to handle.
And looking at him now, I know he’s about to cry. His face sprinkles with red. He’s blinking really fast. “They knew?” He looks at Oli and Andre. “Wait . . .” He looks at Felix. “Did he fucking know?!”
“He’s my caregiver,” I say softly, feeling shame for yelling.
“Caregiver,” he snorts, shrugging my hands off him. “Sure.”
“Atlas.”
“This is bullshit.” He turns his eyes on Oli.
“First you hide the fact that you’re dating someone—not just someone, our fucking goalie!
” He looks back at me, and while his words are angry, I know him well enough to understand he’s really hurt.
“This is huge. You didn’t tell me? Why? You let me think you were coming back.
I’ve been waiting for it. I—” He throws his cards down. “Some fucking friends!”
He gets up, storming out of the house. I get up, wincing with the movement, but I need to catch him. I won’t let him leave like this. Not after how much he drank. I limp to the door, opening it and finding him pacing. “I forgot my fucking keys!”
“Get over here right now!” I snap. Without our audience I can relax. “Come here. Now.”
He glares at me a moment before giving in and walking into me. I take him in my arms for a moment and just hug him. I don’t like it when he’s upset. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”
I pull back, clutching the back of his neck and forcing his gaze onto me. “I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d be upset. Maybe I was looking for some hope. It’s not coming. This is my new reality and it’s time I accept it.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He swipes his eyes.
“Because I knew telling you would be the hardest, and I’m a coward.” That earns me the tiniest twitch of his lips. “I’m upset too. Spending these last couple of years traveling with you has been amazing. You’re my travel buddy, and I’m going to miss the hell out of doing that with you.”
I watch his bottom lip tremble. “Maybe if you find other doctors—”
“No.” I look at him. “I’m not. It’s time I accept it.” Maybe for the first time in my life it’s my turn to relax. Hockey was my life, but more and more I wonder if I was missing out. I think about Felix, and the feeling I had waking up this morning.
That’s what I want.
Maybe not with him, we just met. With someone, though. Waking up with the person I love every morning. Not having to rush off to a schedule. Just lazily enjoying my person’s company and the heat of them against me. That sounds like a pretty good life too.
All his fire burns out. He acts like a brat when he’s mad, but I know how to handle him. “It’s going to be okay.”
“How can you just say that? Who else is going to be around? Oli has Andre. The only other close friend I have is Ryker, and he never wears clothes to bed! That’s not a cuddle situation I want to find myself in.”
I laugh. “Most of the United States and Canada has seen Ryker naked. You’re not special.” He stares at me flatly.
“I don’t have any other close friends on the team. Not ones who know me like you do.”
I know he has dependency issues, but this is a bit extreme even for him. “You’ll be okay. Maybe if you tell Oli about some things . . .”
“I don’t want to,” he says softly.
I squeeze his shoulder. “He doesn’t even know about Penn.” His blue eyes harden. “That’s a pretty big thing not to tell him.” Even as I suggest it, I know he won’t. He never talks about her.
“I don’t want to talk about her.”
I let it go for now. He’s crashing fast. “Well, you’re not driving tonight either. Stay here with me or go home with Oli and Andre.
“I wasn’t going to drive.” He glares. “I was going to pout in my car.”
I laugh.
“I want to stay with you tonight.” I don’t know why, but my mind goes to Felix. I realize now that I was going to ask him to sleep in bed with me again, but my friend needs me.
“Yeah, of course. I’m overdue for a cuddle anyway.” That makes him smile. I hug him and he latches onto me the way I knew he would. “I promise I’ll get better . . . better is just going to look different. No matter what, I’m always here for you.”
He pulls back, wiping under his eyes. “Oli said you’re going to come to a game soon?” He smiles.
He watches me for a moment, and finally, I nod. Unsure. I promised my friends, and I need to do this for me too. “There’s just one problem.”
“What’s that?”
“Am I wearing yours, Oli’s, or Andre’s jersey?”
“You’re wearing my jersey, you dick.” I smile, pulling him in for one more hug. His arms snake around my body, hugging me tight, and I kiss the side of his head, just happy he’s calmed down some. “I love you. You got it? Nothing is changing.”
He pulls back, shaking his head. “Only everything.