Chapter 16
Do we not all need mercy?
The question softly chimed in Jacob’s head in time with the rocking of the wagon. Lying on a bed of blankets and trying not to breathe too deeply, it continued to dog him three days out of Fort Kearney.
How? How did she have it in her to wish for mercy for that good-for-nothing piece of horse dung?
Do we not all need mercy?
Kate had taken care of him these past days, feeding him, changing the poultice on his ribs and binding them back up again, and all with a broken hand.
He’d tried to stop her, but she had said she needed to stay occupied to keep from thinking about what happened.
So he let her fuss over him like a mother hen with one of her chicks.
But she jumped at the slightest sound, and she was all forced smiles and haunted eyes.
She put on such a brave face. Her brothers guarded her every step, and the sorrow and pain filling Edith’s eyes every time she looked at her daughter matched the intensity of protective anger in Aaron’s green-eyed gaze.
Bile rose in Jacob’s throat every time he saw the bruises Kate tried to hide under the kerchief around her neck.
The wagon lurched to a stop. Jacob struggled to sit up, determined not to look like a complete invalid. At least his headache had receded to a dull, steady throb.
Kate poked her head in the back of the wagon. “How are you feelin’?”
“Like a useless sack of potatoes,” he grumbled.
“Nonsense, a sack of potatoes is actually quite useful,” she said, a little too brightly, clearing her throat to cover the slight rasp that lingered in her voice. She settled beside him, poultice in hand. “All right, you know the drill. Shirt off.”
“I’m beginnin’ to think you like me without my shirt on, Miss McGrath,” he said teasingly, starting on his buttons. The corner of her mouth twitched. He smiled.
Kate deftly unwound the binding from his chest and tenderly wiped away the old poultice, her hands sure and skilled despite her injured knuckles.
Jacob twisted to inspect his bruises and hissed.
What he could see was a fantastic mix of purple and yellow and green spreading from his cracked ribs down to where he knew it was pooling below his belt in his hip.
He cleared his throat. No need to show the lady that. “Pretty great colorin’, eh?”
“Looks like a map of the world,” Kate mused as she fussed with the bandages.
“Really?” He tried to see again but groaned in pain. “Show me?”
She looked at him with a frown. “How?”
“Trace it?”
She tilted her head to the left, squinting at him sideways.
She placed soft fingers on his ribs. “Well, here’s Europe.
Great Britain. Africa is over here.” She moved around to his back, her touch leaving a trail of tingling warmth.
His heart started beating fast. “Then India. Asia.” Her hand paused just under his shoulder blade. “Australia.”
“Where are we?” Jacob asked softly.
Following a line down his back Kate said, “South America. North America. And somewhere in the middle of the wilderness, we are here.” Her fingers brushed lightly across his side.
She looked up at him, her face inches from his.
He could see the flecks of gold in her eyes.
Her lips parted ever so slightly. Time slowed.
Jacob could feel the thud of each heartbeat as he stared into the depths of her dark eyes.
She ducked her head, hurriedly wound the bandage around his ribs, and left without a word, leaving cold emptiness in her place.
Jacob scrubbed a hand through his dark hair, trying not to think of how close he had come to kissing her.
“He must be cutting teeth again,” Maria said, bouncing a wailing Davie on her hip. There were dark circles under her eyes and a sheen of sweat on her brow. “Nothing I do seems to calm him down.”
“Let me help, Maria. I can clean up and you two can go straight to bed. You look exhausted, you both do.” Kate began gathering plates.
Maria pushed Davie into James’s weary arms. “Kate, you don’t have to do this.
” Kate just plucked the pot of boiling water off the fire and went over to the wash bucket.
Maria grabbed her good hand before she could plunge them both into the water.
“Kate, stop!” She turned Kate gently until they were facing each other.
“I was the one who wanted to take care of you. After what you went through—”
A memory of rough hands flashed through Kate’s mind.
Fear constricted her throat. She closed her eyes and took a calming breath.
Lord, give me strength. Then she looked into her friend’s compassionate eyes and put on a smile.
“Helpin’ others is good for me, Maria. It keeps me busy, gives me somethin’ to focus my mind on.
If it’s just me and my thoughts …” Kate trailed off.
“Of course,” Maria said, giving her hand a gentle squeeze.
After Kate had cleaned up and bundled Maria and Davie into bed, James walked her back to her camp and delivered her into her brothers’ care.
Ian and Danny had made it their mission to stay by her side at all times, or to recruit others to do the same when that wasn’t possible.
Andrew had fallen off the face of the earth, it seemed.
She hadn’t seen him since Fort Kearney. But Ian sat with her as they drove the wagon, Danny accompanied her to the creek to fetch water, and they entrusted her into Jacob’s care when she was supposed to be caring for him.
A lot of good he would do in his condition.
The next morning as the sun was graying the horizon, Proctor called out in his gruff voice to move out.
Kate checked the tug chains a final time, her hand awkward and aching in its bandages, then hitched up her skirts and climbed the spokes of the wheel into the high wagon seat.
She gathered the lines and was about to call the team forward when Jacob’s voice floated up to her from the other side of the wagon.
“Hang on there a minute, Kate!” Jacob’s head popped up over the edge of the wagon bed, his hat knocked askew and sweat on his forehead as he struggled up the side one-handed, the other arm clenched to his side.
“I know I ain’t as sprightly as you in my present condition, but there’s no need to run me over for my tardiness.
” He grunted, and with a final heave, hauled himself up onto the seat and gingerly settled beside her.
“I thought yesterday tired you out too much to come sit up here again,” Kate said with a smile.
“I might not be a whole man right now, but I ain’t an invalid,” he said, carefully readjusting his hat.
“Could’ve fooled me, the way you griped,” she teased.
He scowled. “I weren’t gripin’.”
“Sure you weren’t,” Kate said with a smirk. She flicked the lines and called the mules forward. The wagon jerked into motion and the right front wheel dropped into a deep rut, lurching Kate directly into Jacob’s solid shoulder. He hissed and clenched his side.
“Sorry!” she said quickly, flustered by his nearness.
“Ah, it’s nothin’,” he said with a wince.
“You sure?”
Jacob eyed her, a smile tugging at his lips. “’Course. And I ain’t gonna gripe no matter how much you saw on those lines.”
Kate huffed and looked ahead. “It’s those infernal prairie dogs and their holes. There’s so many, a body can’t help but hit them sometimes.”
He chuckled. “No need to get all worked up, I was just teasin’.”
Kate cut her eyes over at him. His blue eyes sparkled with mirth in the half-light of dawn.
Kate couldn’t help the shy smile that tugged on her lips.
Then Joe gave an annoyed bray, and she snapped her gaze forward again.
She’d better concentrate, or she’d have a mule mutiny. She flexed her injured hand.
They rode in pleasant silence while they jostled into their place in the line of wagons and the sun slowly colored the horizon behind them.
Kate watched in delight as the prairie around them began to glow in the lavender and rose and tangerine of an early summer sunrise.
It was like the Lord was telling her everything was going to be all right, that there would always be beauty in this world even if it was full of hurt and pain.
The sun broke over the edge of the earth and threw their shadows against the golden hills before them.
“Beautiful,” Kate breathed.
Jacob looked over at her. “Sure enough is,” he said softly.
Kate flushed slightly and gazed out at the countryside. “I hope that wherever we end up, our place has sunrises just like this.”
“The further west you go, the more the sky changes.”
“Really?” Kate asked wonderingly. “Could you tell me about it?”
Jacob rubbed a hand over his neatly trimmed beard.
“Well, we’ll be comin’ into the bluff country soon.
The sky there feels … sharp. Almost like it’s been cut out of glass, all pale and clear.
The colors are washed out and the clouds look like someone drew them onto the sky.
Then you get to the mountains and it’s just”—his eyes got a far-off, dreamy look that made Kate smile—“wild, you know? You look away for a moment and suddenly it’s different.
The sky could be clear, and next thing you know, it’s all dark clouds and lightnin’.
But just wait another five minutes and it’ll be clear and blue all over again.
” He laughed. “It’s like one of those mountain mustangs. Good luck tryin’ to tame it.”
“I can’t wait to get there and see it for myself,” Kate said softly.
Jacob sighed contentedly. “It’s somethin’ else.”
“What’s your favorite spot? On the trail, I mean.”
“Oh, I don’t know. It’s hard to pick really, everywhere’s so different. But there’s something about them mountains. I can’t seem to get enough.”
Kate sighed dreamily. “I have a feelin’ me and the mountains will get along just fine.”
Jacob smiled at her. “I figure you just might.” He gazed out over the swaying bluestem and buffalo grass. “Where do you think y’all will end up?”
“Ma says the first place we find,” Kate said ruefully. “But as long as there’s space enough to roam, I’ll be happy.” She cocked her head to the side, looking at him curiously. “What about you?”
“What about me?”
“Where are you gonna end up?”
He shrugged his thick shoulders. “Don’t rightly know yet. Been doin’ this for years. Not sure I’d know what to do with myself.”
“Hmm,” Kate said, squinting at him sideways. “Somewhere in the mountains I think, or near enough to them.”
His mouth tilted. “You think so, do ya?”
“They make you happy. That’s reason enough to settle there.”
“That’s true enough, I reckon.” He propped his boot up on the running board and leaned his broad frame forward, elbows on his knees. “Though space enough to roam sounds pretty good too.”
Kate smiled. “The foothills then. You’re good with the stock. You could get some land, build a ranch. But always with the mountains close by.”
“That sounds just about right.”
“Just about?”
He looked back at her with an unreadable expression. “There might be a missing piece or two.”
“And what might that be?”
His mouth tipped in a mysterious half smile, and he looked back out over the backs of the mules. “I ’spect I’ll know it when I see it.”
They fell softly into silence. It wasn’t awkward or strained, as she was so used to with people outside her family, but comfortable and warm, like basking in a ray of sunshine slanting through a window on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
The ease with which she could talk to him surprised her.
She felt safe with him, Kate realized. Like she did with her brothers.
Like she could be completely herself. And there was that moment a few days ago.
Had he really been about to kiss her? But no, that was impossible.
Just her romantic daydreaming getting in the way of reality yet again.
She shivered, trying not to think of that terrible night at the fort.
Goodness knows it had landed her in enough trouble already.
But she couldn’t seem to help it, with his solidness taking up the space beside her, his knee brushing against hers as the wagon jostled over the ruts of the trail.
Unwittingly, her mind conjured the image of him sitting in the back of the wagon, shirtless, his broad, muscled back riddled with bruises, his tanned skin warm under her hands.
She hurriedly looked away before he could see her blush.
Now that was definitely not rooted in sisterly affection!
Besides, it’s not like he would ever think of her in that way—not her, a too-tall, awkward girl who liked animals more than most people.
No, she wasn’t anything special, not to him.
She stamped down hard on her daydreaming, heedless of the self-inflicted pain, vowing that it wouldn’t get the better of her again.
“Hey, where’d you go?”
Kate glanced at Jacob. His brows were pressed together as he studied her.
“What do you mean?” she asked cautiously.
“Just now. It’s like your mind went to a different place.”
Kate stared at the rumps of the mules, her aching hand flexing and clenching. “I, ah, I just get lost in my thoughts sometimes.”
She could feel his eyes still on her, and she forced down the agitating memories before they showed on her face. Would he press her for more? She swallowed.
Jacob gazed at her for another long moment and then looked down at his boots. “You know, Kate, I gotta thank you. For takin’ care of me this past while.”
“Of course,” Kate said in a small voice. “It was nothin’.”
“It weren’t nothin’. After what happened to you … I just wish it could’ve been different.”
Kate just nodded, blinking hard.
After a moment, Jacob cleared his throat. “I’m gonna try ridin’ tomorrow. Seb’s been callin’ me all sorts of names for lazin' about while he does all the work.”
“I bet you’re itchin’ to get back to your scoutin’,” Kate said a little too brightly. “You’ve probably been bored silly sittin’ in this old wagon all day.”
“It was never borin’,” he said quietly, squinting out into the morning sunshine.
Quiet descended again. Just two people sitting beside each other and staring out over the prairie.
Kate knew she should be happy with Jacob healing so well.
But she’d come to depend on his nearness.
On that awful night in Fort Kearney, her heart had been tied together with his, wrapped in twine and inextricably linked.
And now he was leaving. They would go back to how things were before, yet her world was so much different now.
How far could that invisible twine stretch before it snapped and he drifted away?
She yearned for him to stay, to sit beside her and talk with her and make her laugh and forget her mistakes.
But she could never tell him that. Not in a million years.